It’s A Breakup, Not A Breakdown

The Benefits of Breaking Up

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on November 1, 2010 - 7:00 am
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You know the story about the single girl who never dated, never had a relationship until one day she met the man of her dreams, got married, had children, and lived happily ever after?

Neither do I.

The truth is, dating is a numbers game and you’ve gotta be in it to win it. Which means that along the way, you’re going to experience a breakup or two. So the next time you’re out there in the dating trenches and experience a breakup, remember that in addition to the disappointment, there are plenty of benefits to breaking up.

Benefit #1: Practice Makes Perfect

Once upon a time, breakups were considered a taboo topic. But in 2009, they’re like badges of honor that every savvy single must endure. After all, how are you going to know what you really want in life and love without experiencing a little bit of what you DON’T want? After each breakup, you get the opportunity to evaluate your last relationship for its good and bad qualities and decide how that’s going to shape the type of partner you pursue moving forward. Without the breakup, you’d never get these opportunities.

Benefit #2: The Value Of ME Time

Another benefit of breaking up? The opportunity to put the focus of your life back on you – your wants, your needs, your desires. While relationships can be amazing and love can feed your soul, there’s also something incredibly freeing and fabulous about being on your own. By really knowing who you are as an individual, you have the opportunity to create and live an authentic life. In doing so, you’re that much more likely to attract your perfect partner. And along the way, you’re free to celebrate your fabulous self!

Benefit #3: Celebrating Friendship

Over the course of your single and fabulous life, romantic relationships will come and go. But friendships? They stand the test of time. And there’s no better time to celebrate your friendships than between breakups. It’s your friends who help you heal. Your friends who remind you why your ex wasn’t good for you, and why they’re definitely not worth pining over now. While you should never let friendships slide when you’re in a relationship, after a breakup is the perfect time to reconnect, renew, and rejoice in your friends.

Benefit #4: Discovering Your Own Resilience

Oftentimes, in the throes of a bad breakup, you question your ability to survive. Occasionally, you even mistakenly think that your innate fabulousness is somehow tied to our ex and without them, you are nothing. The beauty of going through a breakup or two (or ten) is in discovering your ability to not only survive but thrive on your own two feet. In awakening to your own resilience, you discover how fabulous you really are. And that’s worth a little heartache, don’t you think?

For help getting over your breakup, pick up a copy of It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good!

Beyond the breakup and looking for tips on how to move on and meet Mr. Right? Pick up a copy of If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right.

REALLY ready to meet Mr. Right? Unlock my 5 essential secrets for How to Meet Your Husband NOW!

Breaking Up Your Finances: How to Untangle Your Lives After Heartbreak

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 21, 2010 - 7:00 am
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Breakups aren’t just about the end of a romantic pairing. There are numerous financial, legal, and business decisions that may need to be addressed. If you and your ex share bank accounts or other assets, you’ll need to come to an agreement about how to divide the money/other assets and then contact the relevant banking/other institution(s) to find out how to legally proceed. Again, it’s important to keep a level head about these things and not act out of anger, spite, or bitterness. These are financial decisions. Respect yourself as well as your ex, and be fair throughout the process (no matter how much you want to punch him in the face!).

You may also need to identify others ways your lives became intertwined. Car insurance, health insurance, retirement plans, credit cards, personal loans, household bills, etc. These are all potential accounts and/or policies that you and your ex may currently share. When you breakup, it’s essential that you remove the other person from each and every one of these items. If you don’t, one or more of the following scenarios could come back to haunt you in the future:

- You get turned down for a home or car loan because your ex, still attached to an account you shared while you were together, negatively affected your credit.

- Because you never removed your name (or your ex’s) from an account, a collection agency comes after you for a debt your ex never paid.

- By not taking your ex off your health insurance policy, you become financially responsible (and ultimately financially drained) for a medical emergency they encounter weeks, months, years down the road.

- If you die in an accident and haven’t changed the beneficiary on your assets (your home, retirement plan, savings account), your ex can possibly claim those assets, leaving a rightful heir with nothing.

As uncomfortable as conversations about money, property, and other assets can be when going through a breakup, you must have these difficult discussions if they apply to you and your ex’s situation. Do your best to broach the subject with fairness and compassion, and insist that your ex does the same. Obviously, the situation becomes stickier if and when one of you uses the unresolved issues as a way to seek revenge, hold on to the other person, or prolong the separation process. If you feel that things are getting out of control, you may need to involve a mediator. Trust your gut about the situation and proceed with the necessary caution.

Need help navigating the tricky terrain of breakups and money? Pick up copies of my books

It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.

And leave a comment about how you’re handling the splitting of assets with your ex.

How do I get my ex back?

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 16, 2010 - 7:00 am
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Be honest. Are you still holding out hope that your ex may one day come back, sweep you off your feet, give you everything you ever wanted, and radically change everything about himself that didn’t work in your relationship? From getting his act together financially to learning how to be emotionally available 24/7 to loudly and proudly proclaiming his love for you to everyone he knows, are you putting your future on hold, praying for a miracle? Have you put in a good effort in your post-breakup recovery, even going so far as to create a cute online dating profile, go out on a few first dates, but deep down, you’re waiting for the phone to ring or your ex to show up on your front door step with flowers and a marriage proposal?

Remember, I said be honest.

The good news is you wouldn’t be the first woman in history to put her fabulous future on hold in hopes that with a little time, distance, and perspective, her ex would magically discover the error of his ways, come running back, and together, they live happily ever after.

The bad news is that while you’re fantasizing about your happily ever after reunion with your ex, he’s moving on without you. He’s dating other women. Even if he’s still calling you.

And yes, even if he’s still sleeping with you.

One of the reasons I wrote my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him is because once upon a time, I was hung up on my ex. I kept sleeping with him — for a year after our final breakup! And guess what? I was miserable. I also scared away from really great guys during that year because I was so emotionally hung up on my ex.

While I have since rewritten my happily ever after story with my husband, I have made it my mission to help single women break free of their death grip on the past and step fearlessly into their unknown futures.

While it’s debatable whether or not men and women are actually from different planets, as John Gray would have us believe, the painful truth is this: Men and women handle breakups differently. Yes, we both mourn in our own way. Yes, we both feel grief, loss, disappointment in our own way. But men can stay connected to their ex throughout their recovery and still move on while women cannot.

And while some couples do part ways, recognize the error of their ways, and reunite to create a brand new healthy, happy future, the more realistic reality is that while you’re snuggling in your ex’s arms after yet another night of late night passion (also known as the post-breakup booty call), he’s still moving on with his life. He’s still making other plans. He’s still dating other people. And while he likes the comfort of falling back into bed with you, he still believes you’re broken up for good because, well, you are.

If any of the above rings true, don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re the exception to the rule. If you’re reading this book, you’re looking for answers. And I’m going to give them to you whether you really want to hear them or not.

If the bestselling book and blockbuster movie He’s Just Not That Into You taught us anything, it’s that you’re not the exception. You’re the rule.

Let me clarify that. If you’re still in constant communication with your ex, calling, emailing, texting, enjoying the occasional or frequent reunion between the sheets, stop. This is not a sign you’re getting back together. It’s not even a sign he’s still in love with you. While you may still be madly in love with him, he’s moving on without you. You’re his emotional airbag, providing support and security as he slowly but surely re-enters the dating world. It doesn’t work in reverse. He’s not your airbag. He’s the accident waiting to happen that will destroy you (which is exactly how you’ll feel when you discover he’s dating someone else). The really infuriating part? He’s not even leading you on! You’re leading yourself on.

How? By silently agreeing to stay connected. By giving him your body, thinking he’s giving you his heart. By taking his calls, thinking that means you’re the only woman he’s talking to these days. And even if you are right this minute, who’s to say he won’t meet someone tomorrow, continue to see both of you until things get serious with the other woman, and then one day he’ll show up on your doorstep, hand you a box of things you left at his place, and tell you he’s madly in love with the new lady in his life and they’re engaged. Ouch!

I know disconnecting from your ex isn’t easy. I know it’s scary to let go and walk away from your past when your future hasn’t quite shown up yet.

Here’s the truth. Your future can’t show up if you’re hung up on your past. Plain and simple, give yourself permission to let go of your ex and start moving on, starting today.

For help, pick up my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.

And share your story with me by leaving a comment on the blog. Good luck and happy healing!

Suddenly Single: How to Reinvent Yourself After Heartbreak

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 5, 2010 - 6:00 am
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Whether you just got out of a relationship, or have been struggling to heal your broken heart for some time now, figuring out how to move on can be confusing, fear-inducing, and downright uncomfortable. Not only do you have to let go of your past, but you’ve got to be willing to embrace the unknown future.

If the task sounds daunting, don’t worry. By unlocking the following seven secrets from my 21 day workbook It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him, you’ll unleash your personal reinvention and go from “I’ll never be the same” to “What was his name?” in no time!

Secret #1: Become a “glass is half full” kind of person
Maybe your last relationship wasn’t so good. Maybe your entire relationship history makes you feel frustrated, confused, and/or disappointed. Instead of embracing bitterness or defeat, why not take a step back and look at your life from a different perspective? Start by asking yourself what you learned from your last relationship and all those previous relationships. By embracing the idea that there’s a reason for everything and/or a life lesson to be learned, how can you shift from being a “glass is half empty” kind of person to seeing the glass as half full? It may be as simple as shifting focus to the blessings in your life, rather than obsessing about what’s missing. Starting today, practice gratitude for your home, your health, your job, your friends, your pets, and/or your family. By celebrating the many blessings already in your life, you’re better able to feel good about your future, and ultimately attract healthy, happy, whole individuals who are also “glass is half full” kind of people.

Secret #2: Play up your strengths
It’s all too easy to focus on our flaws. But what if instead you played up your strengths? For example, instead of obsessing about the fact that your butt’s bigger than you’d like, or your childhood was kind of screwed up, or that you got passed over for that promotion at work, celebrate the many ways you’re magnificent. For example, rather than feel bad about your bodacious booty, show off your sexy calves by wearing sassy heels and skirts. Or, let go of your dysfunctional childhood and instead celebrate the amazing friends you have in your life right now. Or, infuse your work with renewed passion and enthusiasm, getting your boss’ attention in the process and possibly earning yourself a promotion in the months to come.

Secret #3: Fall in love with yourself
We all have those days when we don’t feel pretty, think we’ve missed out on our chance at love, and/or in general feel frustrated about the state of our lives. When you start to feel this way, remind yourself of your own innate fabulousness. You ARE a catch! You have a fantastic life full of possibility! You’re an amazing human being, flaws and all. By celebrating who you are at your very core, and learning to accept yourself warts and all, you’re better able to love and accept yourself in the moment. In the process, others will take notice. Before you know it, you’ll be attracting like-minded individuals who love themselves, warts and all.

Secret #4: Don’t take life too seriously
Sometimes it’s hard to get outside your comfort zone, take risks, and go for what you really want. But guess what? Now’s the perfect time to take life less seriously and increase your level of every day enjoyment. The radical results? You’ll free yourself from self-inflicted judgment, and create a space where doing things that once scared you now feels not only possible but easy. Maybe you’ll start writing that book, take that trip abroad, approach a cute stranger and just say hi, or splurge on your first home (a feat that once felt impossible). Whatever it is that used to seem out of reach, give yourself permission to go for it, starting today. By not taking yourself or your life too seriously, you begin to enjoy your everyday experiences so much more and start attracting amazing individuals.

Secret #5: Make time for things you enjoy
It’s all too easy to get bogged down by obligation. But what if in 2009, you regularly took time away from your “have to” schedule for that equally important “want to” list? At least once a week, make a date with yourself and have some fun. From signing up for salsa dance class to attending a creative workshop that speaks to you to having game night with friends, play time is just as important (if not more) as work time. By creating space to feed your spirit, you awaken your best self. The results? A more satisfying life, plus the possibility of meeting like-minded potential partners.

Secret #6: Meet new people
Now that you’re single again, it’s time to get out of your comfort zone and find like-minded individuals. Volunteer for a cause near and dear to you. Join a new club or take up a new activity. Get involved in your community. In the process, you’ll meet inspired individuals with similar interests. Seek them out on a regular basis and enjoy time with new friends. You never know how these new connections will enhance your life. From finding love to embarking on new adventures to experiencing amazing new opportunities, now’s your chance to expand your social circle.

Secret #7: Invest in your personal development
With your heart on the mend, why not do something to inspire personal growth? It’s a great way to celebrate yourself and encourage continued expansion. Invest in a self help book that appeals to you. Spend time with a mentor or guru you admire. Hire a life coach and create and action plan for the next six months. By investing in yourself and your personal development, you’ll be well-equipped to celebrate the amazing individual that you are and continue to become. Love that!

Learning to celebrate yourself is the key to rocking your breakup recovery. By unlocking the seven secrets above in the coming months, you’re sure to go from Boohoo! to Woohoo! in no time.

Share your challenges and successes here or on my Facebook Fan page.

And be sure to get your very own copies of my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.

Don’t make THESE mistakes! (I did)

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 29, 2010 - 8:00 am
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Lisa Steadman's It's A Breakup Not A Breakdown Workbook

I get a ton of email from amazing women who are in the throes of their Big Breakup. And they all want to know one thing…

What mistakes did I make during my Big Breakup that they can avoid as they try to pick up the pieces and move on?

My initial thought is, How much time have you got?

Truthfully, I committed many cardinal breakup sins along my journey towards Happily Ever After. Specifically…

• I stayed connected to my ex, falling in and out of bed with him for ONE YEAR after our second breakup, hoping, praying, and wishing our obvious incompatibilities could be conquered by simply LOVING EACH OTHER (which we weren’t very good at to begin with!)

• While I dated other guys during that year, my heart was so connected to my ex that I pushed them all away (and lost out on some really great guys!)

• I believed I WAS THE PROBLEM, I was a failure at love, and with nothing to look forward to in my future, why not stay stuck in the past?

• I stopped believing in myself, in my value, in my beauty, in my worth (this was the worst thing that happened!)

Sound familiar? Are you making these mistakes in your own heartbreak recovery?

If so, how long are you going to punish yourself?

How long will you tell yourself that where you are is acceptable, that you deserve the pain you’re in, and that happily ever after only exists for other people?

How long are you willing to stay stuck in the pain of the past, with no hope of ever stepping into your magnificent future?

What if you stopped beating yourself up today?

What would happen if you let go of your ex, stopped taking his calls, emails, and texts, and actually went cold turkey?

What MIGHT happen if you believed that there was someone else out there for you, someone BETTER SUITED for you, and that he was doing all his emotional work to get to you in record time? Wouldn’t you do the work necessary to reach him in record time?

Wouldn’t you start loving yourself more, treating yourself with kindness and compassion, and ask for the help you DESERVE?

I know you would. I know because I’ve been there, done the work, had the faith, and moved on to MY blissful future.

I’ve also seen it time and time again with the women I work with in my 8 Week Heal Your Heart Teleclasses.

Today, I invite you to stop making those mistakes that are killing your spirit. I want you to stop robbing yourself of your happiness. By doing this one thing differently, i.e. disconnecting from your ex, you will accelerate your healing and move on in record time.

For help getting through your Big Breakup, get your copies of It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.

Share your successes and challenges with me here.

After The Breakup: The ABCs of Ex Etiquette

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 9, 2010 - 9:00 am
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Think you can stay friends with your ex and still move on after a breakup? Think again. Most people who try to stay friends with their ex are just doing so in hopes of either rekindling the relationship or using the other person as a crutch until someone better comes along. What happens when it’s the other person who moves on first? Ouch!

As hard as it may be to accept, your relationship is over. It’s now time to EXtract your ex from your life, give yourself time to heal, and create the space to move on. Of course, there are certain circumstances in which you can’t avoid maintaining a relationship with your ex, but for now, the following is a cheat sheet on appropriate ways of communicating with your ex after the Big Breakup:

By Phone
The reasons for talking to your ex on the phone are…wait. There are none. Delete his number from your cell phone. And if he calls and leaves you a message, have a friend listen to it in case it’s important. Then delete, delete, delete!

Via Email, IM, Text Messaging, Social Networking Sites
After you’ve arranged to return each other’s stuff, delete your ex from your email address book, your Facebook and Twitter friends, and your instant messaging contacts. That way when you’re having a fragile moment at three A.M., you’re not tempted to contact him (the repercussions the following day can be both embarrassing and costly to your recovery). And if you were hoping to keep tabs on your ex by tracking his every online move or possible new dating adventures? Don’t do it. It’ll just make you wonder who he’s talking to (or obsess about those hotties who keep posting comments on your ex’s Facebook page), and you don’t need that.

In Person
And because there are just too many emotions swirling around in your post-breakup head, you should avoid seeing your ex in person at all costs. If you see your ex too soon, you run the risk of suffering potentially bad consequences, including any or all of the following:

1. Losing face by crying hysterically
2. Waking up beside your ex the next morning and realizing you just had sex with your ex
3. Getting arrested for assault and battery

Let’s face it. None of these situations are ideal. So if you can, avoid seeing your ex until your emotions are more stable. Only you can determine when that will be (and it’s okay to say never!).

To kick start your healing process, be sure to pick up my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.

Got a question about how to get over your ex? Email ask@lisasteadman.com.

Bad Breakups Revisited: The Broken Hearted Club Weighs In

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 7, 2010 - 9:00 am
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Think your breakup was bad? Curl up with your fellow breakup survivors to find out how other people got the boot…

“My ex broke up with me while I was out serving jury duty. He wrote me a one page letter and left it on my kitchen table so that I could see it when I got home from court. While I was in court serving jury duty, he was packing his things in his suitcase getting ready to go to the airport to fly from NYC to CA (where he is originally from). Later that afternoon I came home to find this one paged letter and an empty apartment. He is such a coward. He never even called me up to at least say sorry. We were in a relationship for over three years! I at least deserve an explanation. What I got was another really long letter via email a day later.”

- Brooke

“I had been in a four year relationship with a guy whom I fell in love with in almost an instant. While I was pregnant with his baby, I found out that he was hiding a serious drug problem from me. I helped him through detox and stuck by him through all of it. About seven months ago he cheated on me and again I forgave him. But in the end I had to break up because he got into harder drugs and I couldn’t have my baby being around all that. I am trying to get over this and be strong but the truth is, no matter how you break up or what it is over it still hurts!”

- Cherry

“Mr. Ex and I dated for almost a year and everything was great! We did everything together and had so much fun. He would shower me with beautiful gifts and I fell deeply in love with him. Then just last month we went to Vegas for vacation. We had the best time! But when we got back, he told me he wanted to explore his options and date other people. I cried for three weeks straight.”

- Carla

“When he can’t tell you everything, when he keeps his phone calls, emails and chats “too private,” when you have that gut feeling in your stomach that something’s not right – more often than not you are right! Trust issues are the worst obstacles. I should know! If you don’t trust your partner, you’ll find yourself too tired of playing Private Investigator all the time. End it while you still have your dignity intact. It’s hard but it’s the only way.”

- Lydia

“I was engaged to be married. We were together 5 years. Everything for the wedding was done and we had bought a house. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who I helped raise from the time she was 7. In June 2004, 2 weeks before my shower, he decided that he didn’t think it was going to work. He just called the whole thing off. Five months after what would have been our wedding day, he married another woman and had a baby six months later. As much as I hurt, I now realize how lucky I am. Marrying that liar would have been my biggest mistake.”

- Rosie

“I was dating this guy for five months and everything was absolutely amazing. We went places and spent almost every waking hour with each other. Then one day he just started acting kind of shady, like he didn’t want to be bothered with me anymore. Come to find out that he has this psycho baby mama that he lives with and when she found out about me, as she demanded he stopped seeing me. What was I supposed to do? They have a kid together. I had to let him go.”

- Delinda

“My ex and I were together for the best year-and-a-half of my life. We broke up because her negative family issues overwhelmed our relationship and hindered us from moving on with our lives together. I would never want to tear her away from them, but I wished she could have stopped being so dangerously co-dependent.”

- Mike

Now that you know you’re not alone, get hands-on help by picking up your very own copies of my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.

Want to share your story with me or ask me a question? Email ask@lisasteadman.com.

Bad Breakups Revisited: The Broken Hearted Club Weighs In

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 8:10 am
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Think your breakup was bad? Curl up with your fellow breakup survivors to find out how other people got the boot…

- Brooke

- Cherry

- Carla

- Lydia

- Rosie

- Delinda

- Mike

Want to share your story with me or ask me a question? Email ask@lisasteadman.com.

Boohoo Crew 101: After A Breakup, Ditch Your Ex And Call In The Professionals!

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 4, 2010 - 7:00 am
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To successfully survive and thrive after a breakup, savvy breakup survivors know that they can’t heal and move on without a little help from their friends. And that’s where the Boohoo Crew comes in. Part cheerleader, part therapist, your Boohoo Crew should be reliable, patient, and consist of at least three friends for round-the-clock supervision and support.

The role of the Boohoo Crew is to provide the following:

A shoulder to cry on
A voice of reason
Damage control (in case you get the urge to contact your ex)
The bright side

Tips for assembling the perfect Boohoo Crew
Not everyone’s cut out to be a Boohoo Crew member. It’s important to recruit only those friends who are up to the challenge. While assembling your crew, keep the following considerations in mind:

Include only those friends who are loving and supportive.
Exclude any so-called friends who might say things like “I told you so,” brag about their own relationship, or ask if they can call your ex (in fact, dump these “friends” immediately!).
Do not include any mutual friends who might report back to your ex on your progress (and/or dish about your setbacks).

The Boohoo Crew code of honor
During your slump, your Boohoo Crew should be available 24/7. It may sound like a tremendous commitment, but that’s what friends are for. You’d do it for them (if you haven’t already). And let’s face it: There are times in life when you have to sleep in shifts. This just happens to be one of those times.

There are also going to be times when you’ll obsess about your ex, times when you’ll want your ex back, and times when all you can think about is picking up the phone and calling your ex. These are the times when you should rely on your Boohoo Crew for support. You’ll want to choose friends who know you well enough to know when you need comfort versus when you need a kick in the pants. Friends who can remind you of the nitpicky negative things you once said about your ex that you’re going to forget when you’re wishing you two were still together. Your Boohoo Crew should always know (and be able to remind you) why your ex wasn’t good for you then, and why he or she is definitely not worth pining over now.

When we’re in post-breakup mode, some of us have trouble reaching out to others. We think asking for help is a sign of weakness, but it’s not. It’s a show of strength. So go out there and recruit the best Boohoo Crew ever! (Right now.)

Got a question about how to get over your ex? Email ask@lisasteadman.com.

Reconnect with the Ex? What You Need To Know Before You Give It Another Go

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 2, 2010 - 7:00 am
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After a relationship ends, it’s all too easy to second-guess the decision to split up. And while reconsidering doesn’t necessarily mean you should reunite, what happens if you and your ex DO decide you’d like to give the relationship another go? Maybe the time away from one another has shown you the error of your ways. Perhaps you’ve each had time to assess what went wrong and are now committed to a fresh start. However, before you rush into reuniting, think about these important factors:

1. Make sure you’re reuniting for the right reasons
Before you and your ex give Your Relationship, Part Two the green light, you’ll want to double check your intentions. Are you interested in getting back together because you love, respect, and genuinely want to make the relationship work, or are you simply lonely, confused, scared, or, worse, you just don’t like the dating prospects you’ve met so far as a savvy single? Worse still, have you discovered that your ex is moving on before you are and instead of letting them go, you now want to hold on for dear life? Before you make a hasty decision the two of you could live to regret, it’s essential that you both identify your reasons for reuniting. Do NOT reunite out of fear, scarcity, or loneliness. Those are natural reactions to a breakup. They are NOT signs you should get back together with your ex, nor are they signs that your ex was The One. Both of you need to believe that the relationship is worth salvaging and that you can make it work. Then – and only then – should you resuscitate your relationship.

2. Understand the odds against you
After the breakup, you may have put your ex on a pedestal, remembering the relationship through rose colored glasses. If you’ve got reuniting on your mind, you should know that the odds are stacked against you. After all, your relationship probably ended for a good reason. Reuniting won’t automatically fix what was wrong in the first place. The reality is, there were issues, problems, and traits your ex possessed that probably drove you nuts. Right about now, you may be in denial about that. But rest assured, once you reunite, those frustrations, annoyances, and/or challenges will come rushing back. And unless you and your ex find new approaches to dealing with old habits and patterns, you could easily end up exactly where you left off — at each other’s throats and ultimately broken up. Having said that, just because the odds aren’t in your favor does not mean you shouldn’t give the relationship another chance. You just need to be aware of the challenges involved — and the odds of success — in reviving a once-dead relationship.

3. Be willing to leave the past behind
Regardless of why you broke up in the past, if you and your ex intend to reunite, you’ve both got to be willing to leave the past behind. That doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting the past, but forgiving is essential. Otherwise, you’re doomed to relationship failure. If somebody cheated, lied, and/or betrayed the other one in any way, both partners have to be willing to forgive and make a fresh start. It’s the only way to make your second chance successful. Before you give the relationship another go, you need to have an honest and open conversation about whether or not the two of you can forgive one another. It may not be a fun conversation, but it’s an essential one to your future relationship success.

4. It takes two to tango (and make it work)
If you’ve assessed the reasons why you want to reunite, have weighed the odds against you, and still want to get back together, you need to make sure your ex is on the same page. This may be a difficult discussion to broach, but it’s a necessary one if you want to have a future together. After all, it takes two to tango, and both partners have to be equally committed to the dance. You won’t know until you sit down and have that honest and open conversation. You may not like the outcome, as the two of you may not see eye to eye about your future together. But it’s better to address the issues now and go your separate ways, than reunite and get your heart broken all over again.

Reviving a relationship with your ex can be tricky, but it’s not impossible. You both need to be equally committed, willing to forgive, and able to reconnect from a place of love and respect. While the odds may seem stacked against you, if you give it your best efforts, you may enjoy a healthier and happier relationship the second time around.

Ready to get over your ex once and for all? Pick up copies of my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him

Got a question about reuniting with your ex? Email ask@lisasteadman.com.

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