Signs you’re hung up on “What could have been”
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on August 3, 2010 - 7:36 am
Last week, I announced that I was going to start sharing valuable tips and tools so you could let go of Mr. Wrong and do what it takes to find Mr. Right.
To be honest, I see way too many beautiful, smart, successful women getting and staying hung up on a guy who’s not good for them. And while the occasional run in with Mr. Wrong is normal during a single gal’s journey, getting stuck in a bad relationship or in a never ending loop of loving one Mr. Wrong after another can lead to massive heartbreak, disappointment, loss, and serious financial and emotional debt.
Trust me, I’ve been there.
And I’ve worked with enough women who are starting over yet again after Mr. Wrong wronged them that I want to help you change your fate.
Over the next 3 weeks, I’ll share top 5 traps I see women get stuck in. I’ll also share how you can get un-stuck from these traps so you can find out what it takes to meet Mr. Right.
Even if you’re not quite ready to manifest Mr. Right, you can take at least 1 step today to let go of your love for Mr. Wrong and/or your addiction to bad love.
First, I need you to be honest.
Do you think your ex was The One?
Are you paralyzed by the fear that you don’t have what it takes to get love right?
Do you spend countless nights lying awake, obsessing about how much time you’ve wasted in relationship after relationship that just never worked out?
I get it. I’ve been there. And as someone who once got love wrong every time until she woke up, wised up, and discovered what it takes to find Mr. Right, I want to share with you how being hung up on “What could have been” is sabotaging your chances of finding love.
If you’re haunted by the disappointment you feel at what your future could have looked like but never quite materialized, STOP.
You’re not alone. I’ve been there. And so have so many other smart, successful, amazing women just like you.
As women, we’re biologically and socially wired to want certain things: a home, someone to love, possibly a family. When a relationship ends, it’s like a part of our soul dies. The disappointment in ourselves and our inability to make love work can stifle any hopes of letting go and moving on to a more hopeful future.
But guess what?
It’s time to turn down the volume on that pain and disappointment.
It’s time to accept that for whatever reason, things didn’t work out with Mr. Wrong. You did your very best. In fact, I know you did more than your share to ensure relationship success. You don’t have to know why the relationship ended in order to move on. But you do have to give yourself permission to stop looking over your shoulder, stop obsessing about “What could’ve been,” and instead reacquaint yourself with your present circumstances, freeing yourself up to walk step by step into that magnificent future.
Today, I invite you to ask yourself: How am I hung up on “What could have been?”
And then, give yourself permission to let go of your fantasies about the past and step into the reality that Mr. Wrong wasn’t The One. You are not a failure at love. There’s STILL time for you to get love right.
You just have to get un-stuck first.
Can you see how being stuck in the trap of “What could have been” is holding you back? If so, give yourself permission to set yourself free and move on.
Stay tuned for more tips on how to set yourself free from dating drama and disappointment.
If you’re ready to do what it takes to find Mr. Right, enroll in my FREE 30 Day Get Out There Challenge.
And be sure to pick up my man-ifesto for meeting Mr. Right: If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right, available on Amazon and in bookstores.
For added support, join my Facebook Fan page here:
http://www.facebook.com/LisaSteadmanFans
Neva A. Lockhart on why Unconditional Love is a Lie
Submitted by Neva Lockhart on June 29, 2010 - 9:08 am
During Lisa’s 30 Day Get Out There Challenge, I invite you to shift your thinking about what love really looks like so that you can find the kind of love you truly deserve. First, let’s get real about unconditional love.
We all long to find the love of our life, and when we do, we want that love to be all dressed up in “unconditional love.”
We believe having unconditional love is not only what the soul requires, but that it will somehow fortify our relationships and guarantee our unions will last. We believe it to be the greatest expression of love that can be exchanged between individuals and therefore we all want it. So, why is unconditional love so illusive and unattainable?
We all know the term is used time after time in various ceremonies as well as when describing the love parents have for their children. In fact, the term unconditional love is used as the epitome of that kind of love.
So, really then, what does unconditional love mean?
I want to ask you a few questions about unconditional love.
1. Have you been looking for a person who would be willing to love you unconditionally?
2. If so, what does being loved unconditionally mean to you?
3. Do you know how unconditional love should feel?
4. Is the unconditional love you seek physical or emotional?
Please take a minute to think about your answers. Connect with your thoughts and feelings on the term. Doing so will be pertinent to you understanding the truth about unconditional love.
Did you find your truth about unconditional love?
Did you gain clarity on the mate of your dreams by defining what unconditional love is?
If you were able to answer any of those questions, you should know that you just set yourself up for failure.
Shocked? Don’t be.
There is no such thing as unconditional love. The very idea of unconditional love is a lie. The mere statement “I want someone to love me unconditionally” is, in fact, a condition.
Ladies – we need to have conditions on our love! It is misleading and confusing to think we do not. Putting conditions on love is not at all a horrendous gesture. It is an essential element in creating lasting and fulfilling relationships.
Case in point, we want to be loved in a way that makes us feel good about ourselves and the person we love. None of us should allow ourselves by word or action to be disrespected in anyway. We do not want to give love and not receive the love we put out. This, too, is a basic condition of love. Is this a new thought? No. Universally, ALL wedding vows have conditions. Remember this one, “I promise to love you in good times as well as bad;” or how about this one “until death do us part.” Again, these are conditions.
Conversely however, if you say to someone or they say to you, “I love you unconditionally,” what actually is being said is that neither of you are under any obligation to return the love you expect or deserve. Unconditional love means love with no expectations or requirements. To ask for a love with no expectations or requirements is to ask for no love at all.
What we all want is really basic. We want someone to love us they way they would love themselves. No person in their right mind would inflict emotional pain or physical harm on themselves. We want to be respected and honored and not humiliated or treated badly. So, conditional love NOT unconditional love is a requirement. You must love me with respect, honor and dignity. Conditions.
Do not be fooled by this overly dramatic term. Look at it for what it is, deceiving and misleading.
And finally, heard of “tough love?” You hear it in relation to the kind of love parents have to implement with children that have taken a wayward course. Even parents have limits and conditions on their love, as they should.
So when you are out there looking for Mr. Right, know the true Mr. Right will not try to trick you into believing you can love each other unconditionally. If you meet a man who does try to sell you on that lie, run the other way and keep looking!
About The Expert
Jennifer Tardy on 1 Simple Way to Prove You’ve Found Mr. Right
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 22, 2010 - 5:02 am
If you haven’t already met Jennifer Tardy, allow me to introduce you. Jennifer has a simple formula for how to know if the guy you’re dating has the potential to be more than Mr. Next and actually be Mr. Right…
During Lisa’s 30 Day Get Out There Challenge, I’ve hope you’ve had fun reclaiming your sparkle, meeting men in every day life, and getting comfortable with your personal flirting style. What comes next is even more fun! It’s time to see if any of these cuties can be Mr. Right.
So, you’ve been out there dating. You’ve walked through downtown for lunch, instead of sitting behind your desk all day. You’ve visited the many festivities offered by your neighborhood—for some much needed networking and socializing. You’ve been open, honest, and optimistic which is everything that your girlfriends have urged you to be. As silly as it sounded at the time, it’s actually worked in your favor! You’ve been dating one special guy for a few months now, and you have this strange feeling that he could, in fact, be—Mr. Right. The only problem is that you are uncertain of how to confirm this. As it stands, you thought the other deadbeats that you fell for previously were all Mr. Rights too.
No worries.
You’re covered.
Here’s a secret: The number one way to confirm that you’ve met YOUR Mr. Right is to ask yourself one simple question, “Has being with him made my life LESS complicated?”
And more importantly, has he ENRICHED your life?
If you say yes to these basic questions, then you are good to go. You already are head over heels for him. Now that he’s helping to balance your life in the simplest way—by making it less complex and MORE enriching, you couldn’t ask for anything more. As a matter of fact, let’s get specific. Here are four ways that you can confirm that he’s truly making your life less complicated and more enriching…
1. He’s compatible. He’s well-matched, like-minded—similar. Both of you have things in common. You don’t have to waste a lot of time arguing over what to do this weekend, or where to go on vacation, or what the terms of your relationship are. You both have similar goals, visions, and you are simply—a good match. Studies show that although opposites attract, couples who have things in common tend to stay together longer.
2. He’s involved. The relationship is not just yours to hold together, it’s both of your responsibilities. He recognizes that. He puts in as much work as you do even if it means late night debates, or early morning apologies. He’s in it—and for the long run. That takes so much of the pressure off of you.
3. He’s a partner. He’s the yin to your yang. You cook the dinner, and he cleans the dishes. He pays the bill, so you leave the tip. You notice your undercooked food, and he’s already complaining to the waiter. You’re buying his groceries as he’s cleaning your car. It just flows—your relationship, that is. It feels so good because you don’t have to do everything by yourself anymore. You truly have a partner in its most genuine sense.
4. He’s responsible. He’s such a man of his word! If he says that it’s going to be, you can consider it already done. You don’t have to check behind him, follow up with him, ask him repeatedly to get something done. He doesn’t behave that way in the relationship—at least not where it matters.
All of these rules of thumb only point to the fact that he makes your life less complicated and more enriching. It’s amazing how the simpler things in life have been carelessly overlooked. We are paying hundreds of dollars for matchmakers to tell us what complex type of relationship we need. In reality aren’t we really seeking peace. Things like peace and simplicity are being shadowed by drama and complexity. You know just how very stressful the average relationship can be. Sometimes it even seems like you are working overtime just to see eye to eye with your partner. It can be difficult to envision a life less complicated. But we all want it. We already know that we can do badly on our own. Why date someone who can make it worse?
Those who may not know the good feeling that I’m referring to, may not really understand just the vigor it emanates. As couples are complicating the philosophy of love, trust, respect and communication, we have to begin seeking simpler ways of really understanding how we feel while dating. Always remember that in any relationship you get involved in (romantic or otherwise), always seek a life, well—less complicated.
About the Expert
Jennifer Tardy (a.k.a. JM Tardy) is a Healthy Relationship Activist™, Post Dating Adjustment Coach™, and author of a series of relationship books under the umbrella of her Forever Tardy, but Never Late collection including Volume I: His Ingredient Label: A Woman’s Guide to Recognizing a Junk Food Man. She’s trained thousands in understanding the behaviors of others and how this can strengthen relationships personally and professionally. You can visit her Relationship Resources site at http://www.JenniferTardy.com/.
Cheri Valentine on “Where all all the good men?”
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 21, 2010 - 10:13 am
Ever wonder where all the good men are? My friend and relationship intuitive Cheri Valentine has some specific examples of where you can start meeting men today. Enjoy!
In searching for Mr. Right, my clients often ask, “Where can I find good men?” Many women do not enjoy going to bars and feel like a fish out of water when they do go. Other people think they are too busy to look.
Since Lisa’s 30 Day Get Out There Challenge is all about getting you out from behind the computer and meeting men in every day life, let’s be clear. You CAN find men anywhere doing what you already do. This works best when you are living your life from a place of presence and joy. When you are happy with yourself, and your life, you will attract and be drawn to others who are also happy with themselves and their life. You connect without even trying by just being open. Of course, you must believe this is possible. However, it is helpful to have a little more guidance, so I offer you the following…
1. Choose venues where you can effectively meet people who can be likely potential partners. The more aligned the venue is with your interests and values, the higher rate of success you will experience.
2. Have an open mind about dating, enjoy the people you meet, and be present when dealing with people.
3. Be yourself. Stay true to yourself. This begins with knowing who you are, what you want, trusting that you will meet the right one for you, and committing to wait until you meet him. Until you do meet Mr. Right, evaluate each experience for the lesson that makes your life and search for your perfect partner richer.
4. Remember to smile. Smiling sends a message that you are open and welcome the opportunity to engage with another. Say hello. Initiate conversation and practice this art often. Don’t wait for someone to approach you. Remember how amazing you are!
5. Be willing to attend venues alone to scout out potential cuties. How romantic to meet Mr. Right in front of your favorite painting at the museum or watching underwater sea life at the aquarium. Open your mind to who looks interesting. You can learn so much from talking to people, so don’t narrow your vista to what you think is “your type.” That hasn’t worked so well for you in the past.
6. Stay open and receptive when in PUBLIC SETTINGS – the grocery store, post office, coffee shop, and work place, at the ball field where your children play sports, or the playground, beach, amusement parks. You can meet people anywhere; so do not discount these public places as a way to meet someone who could have your top requirements.
Beyond meeting men in every day life, you’ll want to put yourself out there in 3 specific venues:
GENERIC SINGLE EVENTS such as singles dances or single gatherings of any kind, personal ads, dating services, internet dating sites. You are getting a bit more specific where you will meet people who are single. If you are using a dating site, remember this is to find potentials and meet them. Get out from behind that computer once you’ve connected and make real contact.
SPECIAL INTEREST ACTIVITIES like ski club, hiking club, chess club or any club that is of interest to you, photography class, art class, etc. Here you can meet people who have more in common with you besides being single. It is also an opportunity to make friends and build a community of support even with people who are not single. Married people have single friends. Single friends have single friends, and so on.
HIGLY ALLIGNED COMMUNITIES that share your values, interests, goals, and passions like church communities, social activist groups, and spiritual organizations. This is also a great place to ask for help in meeting single friends from the members in these communities. By asking for help, and letting people know you are actively looking to find the right person for you, you increase the numbers of men to meet.
Part of finding Mr. Right is being a happy single who is living your life fully. When you are living life, enjoying your present moments and taking in life for the pure pleasure and experience it offers, you are in a far better position to meet your future love partner, one who also is happily living their life while waiting to meet you. Remember the law of attraction is always at work!
About The Expert
As a Relationship Intuitive and Love Strategist, Cheri Valentine has been cooking up recipes for attracting ideal relationships. She has successfully guided men and women through the maze of Relating, Dating & Mating on a transformational journey to love that is perfect for them. She is the creator of 90 Days 2 Love Attraction Collaborative and will be releasing her book, 90 Days 2 Love – Transforming Your Love Life from the Inside Out this fall. She can be found at http://www.cherivalentine.com/
Jennifer Gauvain and Anne Milford on 3 signs you need to call off your wedding
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 20, 2010 - 6:47 am
I often meet single women who are so singularly focused on finding a man they can marry that they lose all sense of reality and common sense. That’s why I’m soo excited to share this next article with you. I met Jennifer and Anne on Twitter, heard about their amazing book How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy, and just HAD to share their genius with you. So before you jump into the wrong relationship with both feet, read on…
As a relationship therapist and researcher, we’ve talked to hundreds of women who married the wrong guy for the wrong reason. What’s even more amazing is that every one of them knew they were making a mistake as they were walking down the aisle. What can we learn from their mistakes? If you hear yourself saying any of the following, it may be a sign that you need to call off your wedding or end your relationship:
“If it doesn’t work out, we can always get a divorce.”
If you are already thinking that divorce may be in your future, it should be a big red flag about the relationship. Divorce is a miserable, messy and expensive. The women we talked to said it was the most painful experience of their life. Even when YOU are the one serving the papers — it will be more stressful than you ever imagined. Don’t walk down the aisle with someone you’re not sure about.
“We’ve dated for so long; I don’t want to waste the time I’ve invested in the relationship.”
Don’t marry a guy just because you’ve dated him for a long time. Length of relationship does not equal healthy relationship. If you’ve been settling for a ho-hum, less than fulfilling romantic relationship, don’t turn it into a boring, unhappy marriage. He doesn’t have to be a liar and a cheater to be wrong for you.
“Things will get better after the wedding.”
What you see is what you get! Your relationship will not instantly change and improve after you get married. An unfaithful fiance will be an unfaithful husband. A short-tempered and dishonest boyfriend will be a short-tempered and dishonest groom. Don’t marry someone thinking they will change. If your groom-to-be has character traits or issues that you don’t like — don’t fool yourself into thinking they will magically disappear after your wedding.
While the women we talked to were very different, their reasons for going through with a mistaken marriage were surprisingly similar. We heard variations of these same three reasons over and over again. If you are telling yourself the same things, or believe that you may be marrying the wrong guy — you need to put the brakes on the wedding planning. Don’t say “I do” when you are thinking “I don’t!” For more reasons why women date and/or marry the wrong guy visit www.coldfeetpress.com.
About The Experts
Jennifer Gauvain, MSW, LCSW and Anne Milford are the authors of How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy: Is He the One or Should You Run? (Broadway/Random House, May 2010).
Day 18: Want to find Mr. Right? Fall madly in love with yourself!
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 18, 2010 - 6:00 am
Psst…Want to know the surest way to have a man fall madly in love with you?
Fall in love with yourself!
The truth is, we teach people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. When you fall madly in love with yourself, warts and all, you show the universe that you have compassion.
You show the people in your life how healthy and happy you are. And that’s attractive to a good man.
Think about it. Would a healthy and happy man really want to get to know someone who was miserable?
No. And since the only kind of man you want to attract is someone who’s healthy and happy on his own, you must become healthy and happy, too. And that starts with falling madly in love with yourself.
Today, make a list of 20 reasons why you’re a fabulous catch. Give yourself permission to gloat with glee. Have fun doing this! The more you can connect to all the fun and fabulous ways you rock, the more you can celebrate yourself.
Again, the surest way to magnetize a man who will love and appreciate you is to love and appreciate yourself. This may feel challenging at first. Don’t give up. Keep at it. Practice makes perfect!
Once you’re madly in love with yourself, revisit your relationship goals. Reconnect to how you want love to look and feel. And then be open to meeting healthy and happy man wherever you go.
Above all else, have FUN!
For hands on help pick up a copy of my e-book Bad Love No More! and my latest book If He’s Not The One, Who Is: What went wrong and what it takes to find Mr. Right.
For more tips like this, check out http://lisasteadman.com/category/30-day-challenge/
Day 11: Do you know any happy couples?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 11, 2010 - 7:01 am
So often I hear from single women that the couples they know aren’t exactly inspiring them to WANT to pair up with someone.
Today, start looking for examples of healthy and happy couples you can model after. Specifically look at:
- How to do they talk to each other?
- How to they treat each other?
- Do they laugh together?
- Are they affectionate?
In looking for inspiration in the couples around you, you start to create a vision for the ideal relationship for YOU.
Then when good guys show up and you recognize them, you know how to talk to men, make educated choices about who you date, and flirt like a pro!
Orna and Matthew on How to Date to Discover
Submitted by OmLove on June 10, 2010 - 6:22 am
Why let too many expectations get in the way of you being authentic when you are on a date. Start Dating to Discover - what you say to yourself about yourself – and stop twisting into a pretzel to be someone you think he’ll like.
See if you can implement this dating to discover technique during Lisa’s 30 Day Challenge.
And don’t forget to share your results with us here on the blog!
About The Experts
Orna and Matthew Walters help people transform their relationships with themselves so that they can feel undeniably loved. Together, they love showing individuals how to have a true soul partnership. They can be found at http://www.CreatingLoveOnPurpose.com
Morgana Rae on Love Magnet Magic
Submitted by morganarae on June 7, 2010 - 6:48 am
There’s nothing more attractive to what you want, especially in realms of romance and love, than feeling good about yourself. And nothing kills your sense of self worth faster than settling for what doesn’t make you happy.
There’s a nasty little trend going around the love advice community, telling women (and men) that they should lower their standards, that they’re wrong to hold out for that special someone they admire, respect, and desire. Can you imagine? In fact there’s a best selling book out there that argues women should settle for whoever will take them. This is a perfect formula for couples who don’t feel worthy of love. (No wonder there are so many unhappy marriages out there!)
Let’s not even go there. Before you step out on your first date, we want to supercharge your love magnet with easy, authentic, happy self-confidence. Nothing to prove and nothing to buy, and you’ll feel the difference immediately. Here’s the secret:
When clients are stuck and not manifesting their desires, I have them take a look at what they’re tolerating in their lives. What do they put up with that drains their energy? Where are they settling?
We all have tolerations: those people, things, or habits that drain our energy, dim our life enjoyment. It could be a messy desk, or a critical relative, or not taking care of your health. We may have become so accustomed to certain tolerations that we feel that’s just the way life is. We don’t think we have a choice. We feel powerless, and that sense of powerlessness bleeds into other areas of our lives.
Every time you settle, you are telling the universe that “this is good enough,” and you are telling yourself, “I don’t deserve better.” If that’s your message, of course you’ll keep getting more of the same! When you’re life is full of settling, you aren’t leaving room for what you really want, especially in love.
Turning this around is easy. Make a list of what you’re tolerating: the things in your life that don’t make you happy. Then pick out ONE toleration to tackle. I recommend starting with the smallest. A little goes a long way. The smallest changes build your energy and confidence, and give you a platform for the next change.
Make it EASY. Try giving old clothes away to Good Will. Or clearing your desk. Or changing lightbulb. Or spending less time with a critical friend. When you clear something up in one area of your life, you’ve created energetic space that will impact the rest of your life. My clients have won awards, lost weight, received money out of the blue, attracted new business and found soul mates when they stopped settling in other areas of their lives. When in doubt, clean your house. It’s all connected.
Saying no to what no longer serves changes how you show up on your dates. You’ll notice that your standards rise naturally, and not from a place of neediness. You’ll find yourself attracting people who want to live up to your desires.
You’ll also catch “red flags” faster and find it easier to let go of the wrong guys quickly.
Hold out for what you really want, in love and in life. You train the universe how to treat you by how you treat yourself. You don’t want to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince. Treat yourself like a queen so you can magnetize your king.
About The Expert
Morgana Rae is an internationally acclaimed life coach, author, and professional speaker, and regarded as the world’s top relationship with money coach. In her quest to bring more love to life, she has shared platforms with major thought leaders like Deepak Chopra, Marianne Williamson, John Gray and T Harv Eker. Check out her life changing books, CDs, interviews and articles at www.abundanceandprosperity.com, and download her award winning money magnet mp3.
Day 6: Play to Win, NOT to NOT Lose
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 6, 2010 - 6:21 am
Today’s 30 Day Get Out There Challenge tip comes from a wise 22 year old.
Are you approaching your dating life with a winner’s attitude?
Or are you playing it safe and hoping to NOT lose?
The truth is, attitude is everything. During my challenge, you’re learning how to flirt, how to be more approachable, and how to get clear about what you want.
But if you don’t approach your dating life with a winning attitude, you may still fail.
What a waste of time!
Starting today, adopt a winning attitude. Go for it! Push your comfort zone. DO NOT settle. And have fun!
And as always, report your progress here.
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