Single and Scared: Debunking the Scarcity Myth
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 6, 2010 - 9:00 am
“There are no good men left.”
Sound familiar? If you’re feeling freaked about being single, you don’t need to give up on your search for Mr. Right. You may just need to debunk your attachment to the scarcity myth. How? By participating in a fun 3 week experiment. All you need is an open mind, a few spare minutes each day, and a desire to change your dating future.
Are you ready?
Week #1: Initiate Contact
Start by making eye contact with one member of the opposite sex (who you don’t know) every day for a week. You can do this in the elevator in your office building, while picking out produce at the grocery store, in line for your morning latte, or in a social setting (bar, party, picnic, etc.). It’s not important where you do this exercise, only that you start getting comfortable making eye contact with the other gender.
Week #2: Smile
The following week, make eye contact and smile at at least one member of the opposite sex every day. Chances are good that you’ll get a smile back. It doesn’t have to go any further than that (don’t expect him to ask for your digits). This is simply an exercise in getting comfortable engaging the opposite sex. Short on time? Suggested locations to smile and make eye contact on the go include the gym, while sitting in traffic, picking up your dry cleaning, or while grabbing a quick bite out of the office.
Week #3: Step It Up
During the third week of this exercise, step it up a notch. Make eye contact, smile, AND make small talk with a least one member of the opposite sex every day. If the idea of small talk gets you tongue-tied, relax. Start simply and slowly. Remember, this doesn’t have to be rocket science. You don’t have to think of the wittiest conversation starter ever. The goal is to just get the ball rolling. Potential conversation starters can be as simple as:
Hi. (Seriously, that counts!)
How’s your day going?
I dig your shoes/tie/suit. Where’d you get them/it?
Once you’ve opened up the conversation, don’t look away. Maintain eye contact, smile, and wait for his response. If he invites additional conversation, great! If not, your job for the day is done and you can move on. If for some reason, the object of your attention is rude or dismissive, don’t take it personally. Rejection is part of the dating process. Chalk it up to experience, let go, and try again tomorrow.
The point of this exercise is to debunk the scarcity myth by showing yourself that there’s actually an abundance of men in your every day life. They may not always be interested (and you may not be interested either), they may not always be available, but by getting into the practice of noticing and acknowledging men, you’re more likely to spot the ones who ARE interested and available when they present themselves to you.
Now, if your routine goes something like this: home, work, gym, home, then you’ve got to shake things up. At least once a week from now on, break with routine and put yourself in a target rich environment. Suggested activities include:
- Stop by the bookstore after work and browse a topic of interest while keeping your eye out for any cuties.
- Recruit your gal pals for an after work drink at a local hotspot. In addition to enjoying the cocktails, scope out the scene for sexy strangers. (Make eye contact and smile!)
- Do some research for a fun singles activity, i.e. speed dating, a networking mixer, or Sierra Club hike and go for it. Enjoy!
- Find a cause near and dear to your heart and volunteer on a Saturday or Sunday. You never know who you’ll meet.
These are just some of the suggested activities you can engage in to mix up your routine. Remember, the goal is not necessarily to score a date, but to get you out of your monotonous routine that may be keeping you from meeting men. The more you put yourself in target rich environments and get comfortable talking to strangers, the better!
Getting outside your comfort zone can feel uncomfortable. Keep at it. Celebrate your successes. Learn from your challenges. And just have fun!
For more on how rocking your love life, pick up my book If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right.
Got questions about rocking your dating life in 2010? Email ask@lisasteadman.com or post a question or comment on the blog.
Mr. Wrong or Mr. Right? How to tell if it’s time to stay or go
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 3, 2010 - 8:22 am
How do I know if and when it’s time to break up?
There’s a lot of good in the guy I’m dating, but the bad is unacceptable. What do I do?
I keep waiting for the guy I’m seeing to make the changes I need. How long do I wait? And what if he never changes?
Chances are, at some point in your dating past or present one or more of the above questions has weighed heavily on your mind. The truth is, there’s no one size fits all answer to these questions. However, your gut knows what you want and need to do. It’s up to you to tune in, listen, and honor what you know is right — for you! And while it’s admirable to hang in there, try to work it out, and make the best of things, at some point you need to recognize when it’s better to cut your losses and move on rather than stick it out for another day, week, month, year. The following are some tips to help you tune in to what your gut is really saying:
Know what you want
So often I hear from my clients that they feel they stayed too long in the wrong relationship, only to later regret all that wasted time. The best way to guarantee that you don’t waste time in the wrong relationship is to become clear about what you want BEFORE you get into a relationship. That starts with knowing your relationship requirements. Even if you’re already in a relationship, go ahead and make your list of your non-negotiable requirements. If your current partner or person you’re dating doesn’t meet them (and is incapable of meeting them), that may be a clear indication that Mr. Maybe is actually Mr. Wrong.
Become a red flag specialist
When you’re dating someone, they reveal themselves through both words and actions (unless they’re a serious con artist). It’s up to YOU to pay attention. And it’s equally important to become a red flag specialist, a.k.a. someone who can easily and unemotionally identify a relationship red flag when it’s presented to her. Everyone’s red flags are different, and they’re based on your relationship requirements and core values. If your potential cutie is consistently late, that could be a red flag. If your date claims to be smart, together, financially secure, etc., but his actions tell you a different story, your red flag alert system should sound the alarm.
Develop 20/20 vision
Rather than project a fantasy of who you’d like your date to be, it’s essential that you take off any rose colored goggles you’re wearing and see the men you date for the individuals they really and truly are. By being clear about your requirements and honing your ability to identify red flags as they are presented to you, you’ll cut down on wasted dating time and avoid getting into a relationship with someone who doesn’t meet your requirements.
Put a timeline on The Waiting Game
If you’re in a relationship and are waiting for your partner to make some changes (get a job, fix their finances, get out of their funk, etc.) before you decide whether to stay or go, put a deadline on your waiting game. And feel free to communicate the deadline to your partner. Let them know if you don’t see promised changes in a reasonable timeline, you’re not going to just hang around and wait for them to get their act together. You have needs, too, and they don’t involve putting off your life indefinitely while your partner tries to “figure things out.”
1, 2, 3 strikes you’re out
In baseball, there’s a reason you only get three strikes before you’re out. Otherwise, the game would go on and on, strike after strike, with no end in sight. Dating requires a similar rule — the Three Strikes Rule. If you play by the Three Strikes Rule, you give potential dates a margin of error without feeling taken advantage of. If your date is consistently late, doesn’t call when he says he’s going to, behaves inappropriately, or engages in any other unacceptable dating behavior, you reserve the right to call Strike One. And it’s important that you call him on it so that your strike system is clear. If he repeats the same behavior, Strike Two. And again, reiterate your needs, letting him know you’re not messing around. Strike Three? He’s out (regardless of how cute he is). It may sound and/or feel harsh at first, but if you really want to cut down on wasted dating time, you’ll listen to your gut and practice the Three Strikes Rule.
Now that you know how to cut down on wasted dating time, you can continue rocking your dating life by picking up a copy of my book If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right.
Got questions about rocking your dating life in 2010? Email ask@lisasteadman.com or post a question or comment on the blog.
The Do’s and Don’ts of Mastering The First Date
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 1, 2010 - 7:00 am
In 2010, finding someone to date isn’t nearly as tricky as mastering the art of dating. Between online dating, singles events, and the old-fashioned in-person meet and greet, it’s possible to date someone new on a regular basis. But how do you make the most of these chances to meet your perfect partner? How can you ensure that a first date, good or bad, is a learning experience rather than a missed opportunity? The following are the top five dating don’ts, followed by helpful dating do’s:
Don’t: Misrepresent yourself
While online dating is a valuable resource for the savvy single, there are people out there who misrepresent themselves. Don’t be one of them. Just as your online dating profile should accurately represent who you really are, your in-person encounters should be equally authentic. Don’t pretend to be something or someone you’re not to try and impress a potential partner. You’re fabulous just as you are and if somebody else can’t see that, it’s their loss. Besides, a relationship founded on lies and/or insincerities will quickly crumble.
Do: Be clear AND realistic about what you want
The most successful daters are those who not only know exactly what they want, but are realistic about themselves and what they’re looking for. If you’re ready to get started, make a list of the qualities and traits you’re looking for in your perfect partner. Then look at that list and ask yourself how realistic it is. For example, is finding someone who makes great money more important than finding someone who lives within his means? Or if you think you want to meet someone who’s highly educated with multiple degrees, is that as important as finding someone with one degree but amazing life experiences that have helped shape and educate him? Make your list and as you continue dating, tweak the list to make it as clear and realistic as possible.
Don’t: Get stuck in a rut
Getting stuck in a dating rut or dry spell doesn’t have to be part of the single gal’s experience. Taking time away from the dating scene to breathe and reboot is one thing (and oh-so-necessary now and then). But getting stuck in a dating rut where you’re either not meeting anyone or only meeting the same type of guy over and over again is a thing of the past.
Do: Put yourself in target rich environments (often!)
The best way to avoid a dating rut is to get “out there” on a regular basis. And by “out there”, I mean put yourself in target rich environments at least 1-3 times a week. What’s a target rich environment? It’s any location where savvy and successful single men can be found in abundance. For the best results, choose a target rich environment based on your own interests. Don’t think sports bar (unless you’re a die-hard sports fan yourself), but instead think bookstore or singles event or museum fundraiser or political rally. Once you’re in your target rich environment, don’t forget to smile and circulate!
Don’t: Drag excess baggage on dates
Just as you shouldn’t have to date a guy who lugs his emotional baggage wherever he goes, you shouldn’t be That Girl either. Nobody in your present dating life wants or deserves to bear the brunt of your past relationships. Your relationship history — the good, bad, and even the ugly — is just that. History.
Do: Learn your relationship lessons
Instead of obsessing about past relationship failures, look at those experiences as valuable lessons. You can learn from any dating disaster, relationship gone awry, and even a bad breakup. These experiences ultimately teach us about our own resilience, what we’re really looking for in our perfect partner, and how we can do better next time by applying our lessons learned.
Don’t: Be a critic
Raise your hand if the following scenario sounds familiar: You’re on a date with someone new, and instead of being present and actively getting to know the person seated across from you at the coffee house/restaurant/cocktail lounge, you’re stuck in your own head judging your date. He’s too short. He doesn’t drive the right car. I don’t think he makes enough money. Chances are, you’ve been there, done that. And if so, you may have walked away from what could have been a great date because your inner critic got the best of you. While you may think your inner critic is merely pointing out relationship red flags, what it’s really doing is sabotaging your ability to get to know someone new; someone who could be a great guy if you gave yourself a chance to get to know him. You owe it to yourself to turn the volume down on your inner critic, pay attention to the person you’re on a date with, and then decide for yourself if you’d like to see him again. By muting your inner critic, you may just discover you’re a better judge of character.
Do: Have fun
In your quest to meet Mr. Right, you may sometimes lose sight of the fact that dating is supposed to be fun. Yes, it takes a lot of time, energy, and patience. But that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the process. If you’re feeling particularly stressed about dating, maybe it’s time to take a brief break. Focus your energies elsewhere for a while; on work, a hobby, or just on nurturing yourself. When you’re ready, get back out there. But first adopt a more Zen approach to dating. Enjoy getting to know new people without worrying about where it’s going or if he’s The One. By enjoying your dating journey, you’re all the more likely to attract a healthy and happy partner because you yourself are happy and healthy.
Don’t: Look at being single as a bad thing
Be honest — does being single sometimes feel like a life sentence you’re forced to endure? If so, don’t be surprised if you’re attracting like-minded individuals or not attracting anyone at all. This kind of negative thinking is both dangerous and defeating to your dating efforts. After all, would you want to date someone who hated being single?
Do: Become a successful single
The key to enjoying your social life as a savvy single is to relish in the possibilities. You have yet to meet the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with and that’s fantastic! By being footloose and fancy free, you have the opportunity to meet and date and try on different partners until you find the right fit. While not every person you date is going to be right for you, by playing the field you exponentially increase your chances of meeting that perfect person. By becoming a successful single and enjoying the quality of your life in general, you’re bound to attract like-minded healthy and happy partners — maybe even Mr. Right.
If you’re really ready to break free from past patterns and become a man magnet, pick up my book If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right.
Got questions about rocking your dating life in 2010? Email ask@lisasteadman.com or post a question or comment on the blog.
Why You’re Still Single (it’s not what you think!)
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on February 24, 2010 - 11:03 am
You’re smart, successful, attractive. And single. So why aren’t you having better luck in the dating department?
Honestly, it’s not about the lack of good men.
It’s not that you’re too old or not pretty enough to meet Mr. Right.
It’s not about the fact that your work environment is filled with married-with-children types.
So what is it?
It’s your past. And not necessarily your ex.
Then again, maybe it IS your ex. Whether he’s still in your life or not, your ex may be sabotaging your chances of finding love if:
1. You compare every man you meet to your ex and they never measure up.
2. Even though he’s long gone, your ex’s critical messages are replaying over and over in your head.
You’ll never find love. You’re too old!
You’re too fat for some guy to want you.
Watch – you’ll be back when you realize I’m the best guy you’ll ever meet.
Sound familiar? The worst part is, you BELIEVE those old, evil voices. And they’re keeping you stuck.
The choice is yours. And I invite you to STOP listening to those voices immediately, change your story, and decide you deserve love right now, regardless of your age, weight, or dating history.
Not hung up on your ex?
Here’s another way the past may be keeping you single. Because of past heartbreak and/or dating disappointment (NOT the same thing), you’re so afraid of getting hurt again that you’ve completely shut down when it comes to love.
Am I getting warmer?
Don’t worry. You’re in excellent company. And yet you’re all alone.
While it’s understandable that past heartbreak has made you a little gun shy, now’s the time to summon your inner strength, apply lessons learned, and get back out there. Yes, risking again can be scary. But what’s scarier is letting past pain keep you alone and unhappy indefinitely.
Don’t go there!
And finally, if your ex and past heartbreak aren’t keeping you stuck, this MAY be what’s keeping you from manifesting Mr. Right…
Are you so focused on your ex’s future, who your ex will date next, what amazing things will happen for him, and if and when he’ll settle down, get married, and have children, that you’ve completely forgotten all about YOUR future?
It happens. Just don’t let it happen any longer.
Instead, now’s the time to move through that stage as quickly as possible so you don’t waste valuable time – and opportunities to meet amazing men – by being hung up on the past.
So how do you put the focus back on Y-O-U?
It starts with shifting your beliefs. And since we choose our beliefs, you can shift yours at any time.
Like right now.
Today is your day to step away from the ex.
Today is your day to stop believing in his hopeful future at the expense of yours. Now is your time to gracefully and effortlessly move on.
If any of the scenarios I mentioned above resonated with you, regardless of HOW you’re holding onto the past, write them down now. Your first step in manifesting Mr. Right is to recognize how your ex and the past are keeping you stuck.
And then it’s about getting un-stuck. In my book If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right I provide a lot of great resources for getting un-stuck. And in my 8 Week If He’s Not The One, Who Is? teleclass, I take a hands-on approach to helping you get un-stuck. If you’ve struggling to get un-stuck, now is a good time to step up and give yourself permission to get un-stuck.
Got questions about getting un-stuck? Email ask@lisasteadman.com or post a question or comment on the blog.
Do you know the difference between Mr. Wrong, Mr. Next, and Mr. Right?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on February 22, 2010 - 8:11 am
Do you know the subtle differences between Mr. Wrong, Mr. Next, and Mr. Right?
Cut down on wasted dating time by learning to spot the signs right away!
Why a Love Doctor Can Help You Get Hitched
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on January 27, 2010 - 7:15 am
My friend Sherri Langburt of SingleEdition.com recently wrote an article on the pros of hiring a love doctor or coach. She was gracious enough to include me in her article. Check it out…
We see doctors for health checkups and accountants to help us get our finances in order. There are also those of us who may even have regular sessions with a fitness instructor, therapist or career coach. Yet somehow, when it comes to matters of the heart, we neglect to get treatment.
While dating may come naturally to some people, there comes a time in every persons’ life when they can use a little refresher, learn new tactics or improve on old ones, and even benefit from a little support to get through a breakup, drought or the emotional vicissitudes one must deal with as they search for Mr. or Ms. Right.
Just take Jake Pavelka, “The Bachelor” du jour who claimed in episode one of this season’s show (subtitled: “Wings of Love” for this series) that, “he had hundreds of first dates but never any second ones.” Were it not for 25 women and a television deal with ABC setting him on a course of scenic dates and courting that leads to the altar, I am willing to wager that Pavelka would have been a prime candidate for a real-life dating coach to help him figure out why he could not land any follow-up dates. In fact, depending how things turn out for the flying ace with the fab abs, the jury may still be out on the matter.
Though help is out there, many singles still balk at the thought of investing in a dating coach, and as a result may date with blinders on. That’s why, “people must learn accountability, action and consistency,” according to Lisa Steadman, author of It’s a Breakup Not a Breakdown. She offers that “a good dating coach will hold a vision for your long and short-term goals, help you see where you might be sabotaging your chances of success and co-create a plan to experience those goals.”
New Year, New You: Success strategies for singles in 2010
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on January 1, 2010 - 6:45 am
Happy New Year! As 2010 unfolds, I hope you’re filled with hope, optimism, and action. If you’re single and looking to either let go of your ex once and for all, become a man magnet, or manifest the love of your life in 2010, you most likely need to cultivate some healthy new habits. The following five tips will get you started on the path of health, happiness, and hot dates in the coming year…
Tip #1: Clear out mental/emotional clutter
Hung up on an ex? Stuck in a negative emotional space? Paralyzed by some kind of fear? Your mission in 2010 is to clear out any residual mental/emotional clutter you may be clinging to. It’s the clutter that may be holding you back from a life you can truly live and love. So do yourself a favor and take an inventory of your emotional baggage. Then repeat after me: I deserve to live and love my life as it is right now!
Tip #2: Keep a gratitude journal
While there will always be something we wish we could change (our bodies, our debt, our job, etc.), it’s important to make peace with our lives as they are right now. That doesn’t mean you can’t strive for change. It just means you need to take time to be grateful for your life right now. Every day, write down five things you are grateful for. You can start with this: I am grateful for my life as it is right now!
Tip #3: Be honest about what you want
Having trouble living and loving your life? The next step in living and loving your life is to be honest about what you truly desire in life. Want to find real and lasting love? Make it a priority! Want to change jobs? Work towards making it happen. Want to pay off debt or go back to school? Make a plan and go for it. And repeat after me: I owe it to myself to go after what I really want!
Tip #4: Break up with limiting relationship beliefs
Take a quick survey of your past relationships. What do they have in common? Aside from the fact that they all ended, the other common denominator is you. No, I’m not saying you’re the problem. But you may have some limiting relationship beliefs that are hindering your ability to have a successful long-term loving relationship. I’ll show you how to break up with these beliefs in the coming months. For now, repeat this: I am ready, willing, and able to kick my limiting relationship beliefs to the curb!
Tip #5: Create a new love/life vocabulary
Are you stuck in relationship limbo because you just can’t visualize healthy, whole love? Then it’s time for you to create a new love vocabulary. Here’s how. Write down a few current beliefs about love. For example, you may believe love is hard. Now, replace that negative vocabulary with positive vocabulary, i.e. love is beautiful. Repeat this exercise every day for 30 days. You’ll be surprised at how your outlook can change in just one month.
Congratulations! You are now five tips closer to living and loving your life as a savvy single. Each month, I’ll bring you additional tips and tools to help you make your quality of life that much more enjoyable. Remember, in creating a life that you love, you masterfully attract the love of your life. Woohoo!
Are Bad Love Habits Keeping You Single?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on November 5, 2009 - 2:56 pm
In the search for love, it’s easy to get sidetracked by bad dates, broken hearts, and bad love habits. And while bad dates and broken hearts are part of the journey toward happily ever after, bad love habits are an unnecessary evil that you can easily break free of once you identify those silent saboteurs.
So what’s a bad love habit? Any dysfunctional, destructive, dramatic belief you have about love, your general worthiness, and what’s possible for you on the dating scene. The following are some common bad love habits:
• Do you secretly fear that the guys you really want to date aren’t into you, while the guys you’re not into can’t get enough of you? (And if so, how’s that working in your dating life?)
• Do you choose potential partners who are incapable of meeting your emotional needs?
• Do you think love and relationships have to be difficult, disappointing, dramatic, and/or depressing?
• Are you convinced that your potential partner is going to fix whatever it is that you don’t like about yourself or your life so you don’t have to do anything right now but sit back and wait for him to show up?
• Are you terrified that time is running out on your search for love and/or your chance to have children?
The good news is, you’re not alone. Millions of women, myself included, have at one time or another fallen prey to bad love habits and limiting relationship beliefs.
The even better news is that there IS a solution!
The following are just a few of the simple and effective tips and techniques that, when practiced over time, will help you kick any bad love habit – for good!
Identify any dating traps you suffer from
Think you’ve got to miraculously solve all your problems before you’ll be deserving of love? Convinced there are no good “ones” left? Or do you believe that a man will one day swoop in and magically save you from your life? If any or all of the above sound familiar, chances are good that you suffer from some common dating traps. In order to become a successful single, you first need to free yourself from these traps. Next, you’ve got to break free of any other limiting or destructive beliefs about love and relationships. To find out how, keep reading.
Assess your excess baggage
Next, it’s important to get honest with yourself about what you might be lugging around with you on dates. What are you holding onto that no longer serves you? Rejection, disappointment, betrayal? This is from your past, not your present or future. If you’ve got negative or destructive beliefs or fears weighing you down, you owe it to yourself to dump that excess baggage!
Dump your excess baggage
In order to have a happily ever after future, you have to first believe you deserve one. Gather those painful memories, that chip on your shoulder, any residual anger from past relationship experiences, and tell them they’ve got to go. Thank them for the lessons you’ve learned and tell them that it’s now time for you to stand on your own 2 feet. In your mind’s eye, give them the heave ho!
Stop putting off your life and/or personal happiness
So many of us put off personal happiness waiting for some external result like “I’ll be happy when I lose weight, when I pay off my debts, when I get a better job,” etc. The truth is, you deserve to enjoy your fabulously imperfect life right this very minute! When you stop putting off happiness, you start attracting happy people, healthy relationships, exciting opportunities. Instead of postponing joy until something external happens, today’s the day to start celebrating the joy in your everyday life.
Embrace a new dating vocabulary
Now that you’re baggage light and dating trap free, it’s time to introduce a new vocabulary to your dating belief system. Every morning and night for 30 days, practice the following exercise: Say to yourself “Love/dating/my ideal relationship is ____.” And then fill in the blank with the appropriate words. (Words like healthy, whole, loving, fun, etc.) By creating a new vocabulary for yourself, you may be surprised at how your outlook on dating and relationships changes too, and as a result, you may start attracting happier and healthier potential partners. Love that!
For more on how to kick your bad love habits and welcome a better dating future, dive into Bad Love No More: How to kick limiting relationship beliefs to the curb and say yes to real and lasting love!
Got questions? Email ask@lisasteadman.com
