First Decide Whether You Like Him by Bobbi Palmer
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 19, 2010 - 9:55 am
OK, I loved Bobbi Palmer’s advice so much that I asked her to dole out some more nuggets of dating wisdom! This time, she’s putting her own spin on my Become The Chooser video. Enjoy!
It’s pathetic how easily I can find my self acting like the insecure kid I was in high school. These days it doesn’t come up too much, but can happen when I meet someone I especially like and admire, and get the sense they don’t return the feeling. I can get to feeling so hurt and undeserving that I turn into a withdrawn ball of mush.
Sometimes it’s hard to ignore these feelings; real or not. Whether you’re 18 or over 58 rejection feels like crap. Over the years it’s caused me real pain. But there’s a difference between when it happened in high school and when it happens now. Now I’ve learned some life skills that help me through it. I have a conscious conversation with myself that goes something like this:
Stop! You’re acting like a high school girl. That woman has shown no clear signs that she doesn’t like or respect you. It’s all in your head. You’re being insecure. Just be your terrific self. There’s no reason she shouldn’t like you.
I try to drop myself back in reality, and be kind to myself. It almost always works.
This was definitely a pattern for me as I started dating and looking for love. When I’d meet a single man it only took me about 5 minutes to start trying to figure out if he liked me. Until I had that answer — or at least thought I had the answer — I was stuck in my head. The chatter was often overwhelming, and not just during the date. It lasted well after it was over. Looking back, I’m sure it affected how I acted when I met men, and it probably cost me some good dating action.
Once I learned the “be real and be nice to yourself” self-talk tool it helped me a lot when I was dating. It would lower the voice of that chatter. But it wasn’t until I got the following brilliant nugget from my super talented therapist that my dating and love life really changed:
First, decide whether you like him.
What a concept! Do you like him? Is this a man you feel good being with? Does he seem to have the qualities you are looking for in a close companion or potential husband?
I never considered that question because I was so wrapped up in whether he liked me. Do I like him? Once I learned to ask this first, it turned out that I didn’t even need to have that whole other conversation with myself. Because if the answer was “no” the rest didn’t matter.
It took me a lot of time and money to learn this. It’s pretty simple, isn’t it? It honestly changed the way I looked at men and, surprisingly, it changed the way I thought about myself. Asking and answering this first kept me from wasting time and energy wondering if I was liked by someone I didn’t even like. More importantly, it forced me to think of myself first. What do I want? Does this man seem worthy of me? These were questions I hadn’t been asking myself. And they are the most important questions.
During Lisa’s 30 Day Get Out There Challenge, try it. Next time you go on a date or just meet an available man, ask yourself: Do I like him? Let me know if it changes your dating experiences like it did mine.
About The Expert
Bobbi Palmer is a dating and relationship coach, speaker, blogger, and author helping smart, independent women find meaningful love while enjoying the dating along the way. (She should know…she followed her own advice and married the man of her dreams at 47!) You can read her blog and take her Man-O-Meter Test at http://datelikeagrownup.com.
Bobbi Palmer on Setting Your Goals and Being Courageous
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 18, 2010 - 7:34 am
I meet so many amazing women who are over the age of 40 and truly believe time has run out on their chance to find Mr. Right. That’s why I’m THRILLED to share Bobbi Palmer’s advice for smart, savvy, grown up women on how to live and date fearlessly. Enjoy!
One of my father’s favorite sayings is “it’s a good thing to want.” I used to think that was his sarcastic way of brushing off my wishes and dreams as a child. Now I understand that he meant it literally.
It’s our desire for things that propels us to achieve. It’s why we a have a good job or career, good friends, and comfort in our lives.
For me, when it came to finding my life partner, the space between the desire and the achievement seemed monumental. There were so many things in my life that I had “conquered” but I just couldn’t figure the man thing out.
Conversely, there are things I thought I didn’t want, and ultimately realized I did. That was true of my desire to be married. For a long time (into my 30s), I was convinced that marriage wasn’t something I wanted in my life. But I finally admitted that it was something I badly wanted…and I found my spectacular life partner at 47, when I was a first time bride.
Once I truly acknowledged I wanted it – and said it out loud – the scale tipped from fear to desire – and I set out to claim it. Here are some steps I took to get there:
1.Be honest and go for it.
2.Some things are just too important to let get away.
Finding a great guy and lasting love is one of those things. Forgo your fear, overcome your disappointment, and let yourself feel the need and desire to connect with a man who loves and adores you.
Get honest with yourself and if you haven’t already, go do as Lisa says on Day 18. Make your Why I’m a Great Catch list, and fall madly in love with yourself. Make sure it’s your grownup gal making the list; not the insecure 18 year old girl who judged based on what 18 year old boys wanted. Then go out and attract a real man who brings you what you want and need. You won’t let yourself settle for less.
3.Put it out there.
In life, getting what you want often involves making it known that you want it. In dating, that means letting men know when you are interested. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen women lose opportunities to get to know nice men because they didn’t put out the “I’m interested” vibe.
4.The idea that men want to hunt creates all kinds of assumptions and forces all kinds of behavior.
Yes, many men want some challenge and are turned off by women who fawn over them; especially right off. But most men, especially mature and confident men, need to feel they have a chance with you before they really go for it. No one likes rejection. And these men don’t want to waste their time chasing something they can’t catch.
5.When you’re interested, let him know.
Laugh at his jokes, tell him that you enjoy his company, or that he’s much better looking than his picture (if you connected online). Best yet, simply tell him you’d like to see him again. Then, let him make the next move.
6.You shouldn’t feel any fear around this.
Worst case, if it’s not reciprocated, you’ll get over it and you will have helped him feel good about himself. It’s a great kindness to men. (Believe me, you’ll get past the minor rejection of a guy in line at the bank not returning your interest. You’ve overcome way worst things than that, right?) Best case, he’ll feel safe and welcome and go for it. He might end up being the hot man you spend your life with.
7.Doing the same thing you are doing now won’t work.
As you know, most things don’t just come to us. Otherwise, Mr. I Love You would be knocking on your door right now. The fact that you’re reading this tells me that this is challenging to you. Achieving difficult goals like this requires planning and overt effort.
Take what you’ve learned during Lisa’s fantastic 30 Day Get Out There Challenge, do the exercises and action steps; then create a game plan. It may be taking classes and reading books and blogs; calling the man who got away; asking friends to set you up; or making an appointment with a coach or therapist. But doing the same thing you are doing now won’t change anything. It will simply render the same result.
8.Take courageous action.
Having the awareness is only the beginning. Then you need to act on it to actually effect change and get what you want. As you do with other areas of your life, clearly define and vigorously pursue your goals of dating happily and finding your mate. This takes courage!!
Acknowledging that this is missing in your life, and that you really want it, can be incredibly scary and difficult. I lived it, and I don’t take it lightly. But the payoff is remarkable and, I believe, among the most wonderful things you can do for yourself in your lifetime. Because of this, there is a lot of room for disappointment and emotional upheaval. No matter, you want it; now go for it.
About The Expert
Bobbi Palmer is a dating and relationship coach, speaker, blogger, and author helping smart, independent women find meaningful love while enjoying the dating along the way. (She should know…she followed her own advice and married the man of her dreams at 47!) You can read her blog and take her Man-O-Meter Test at http://datelikeagrownup.com.
Sherri Nickols on 7 Steps to Sparkle!
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 17, 2010 - 6:00 am
Are you one of the millions of women who have forgotten who you are? Do you desire to be playful, sensual, enchanting but don’t remember how (or maybe never learned)? Are you stuck in a daily routine that leaves you asking, “ Where did that fun-loving, sexy woman go?”
Face it. You’ve changed. Somewhere along the way, you lost your Self.
During Lisa’s 30 Day Get Out There Challenge, I invite you to rediscover your Self.
Finding the road back to your feminine, sparkling essence is easier than you might think. As women, we need to know how to connect with our “Enchantress” energy, our innate juiciness so we can feel and live fully.
It’s time to acknowledge your inherent beauty; embrace with gratitude your womanhood; honor and respect your divine light; wake up and discover the playful, adventurous woman in you!
When you give yourself permission to live in this radiant state you will be able to attract all the goodies of life. How do you achieve this dazzling state? By retrieving and polishing your sassy sparkle with consistency and conscious actions.
To make it easy for you to get the sludge off your shine, here is a simple 7-step formula that spells out S.P.A.R.K.L.E.
S… Is for Smile
Smiling lights you up from the inside out. No matter what you look like flashing your pearly whites will always make you sparkle and your eyes twinkle. And it’s the quickest way to communicate your joy, happiness, love, friendliness and approachability. On the flirtatious side, a smile is equivalent to a feminine lair—inviting a man into your space.. Smiling is always a win-win.
P… Is for Passion
Passion is that effusive energy that screams, “I’m ALIVE.” It brings vibrancy to your entire being showcasing your gorgeous goddess spirit. Passion seduces everyone in its path with its fiery flames. If you want to captivate your man simply figure out what ignites your soul.
A… Is for Attitude
A positive attitude is more than a cheery disposition—it’s connecting, owning and embracing the fullness of who you are. It’s the brilliant mastery of recognizing the negative aspects that you face, and choosing instead to focus on the hope and opportunity available within every situation.. It’s approaching life with grace and gratitude and living in expansion—trying new things, exploring new thoughts, embarking on new adventures.
R… Is for Rumba
Conjure images from this sexy Cuban dance as you move through your day. Hips swaying and lots of sensual movement. Create a stir girl! The awareness of how you are moving will help you become present to your feminine power. Don’t let this stop with your body—carry the captivation into your clothes, hair and facial expression. It all works together to make you tantalizing.
K… Is for “Know Who You Are and What You Stand For”
Getting back to who you are means living authentically in your truth. You have a beautiful, intimate bond with your inner self. There is no seeking of external approval and you steer clear of people pleasing. Pride and reverence describe how you feel about your values.
L… Is for Laughter
Laughter is the sunshine of your soul and creates instant connection. As a woman you have an innate gift of flirtatiousness, playfulness, softness—this is your feminine power. Make playtime as important as work time and mom time. You wouldn’t blow off a client would you? So why are you blowing off your need for fun and romantic adventure? Put it in your weekly planner and then do it!
E… Is for Embrace Your Enchantress
Living as the enchantress you were born to be requires balancing your softness with your power. Know when to flip from doing to being. Give yourself permission to get in touch with your sensual side, and more importantly, get comfortable with it! Rediscover how to play and flirt, be sassy and sensual, and create the love and romance you dream of.
Follow the S.P.A.R.K.L.E. secrets and you will find your shining authentic Self again, living fully with joie de vivre!
About The Expert
For more than ten years, relationship coach Sherri Nickols has helped career-driven female professionals and “Super Moms” from around the globe get their sparkle on, empowering them to live fully Self-expressed in love and life.
She inspires women to recapture their feminine strengths while re-establishing the love, intimacy, playfulness and connection with their partner, friends and Self via her weekly teleseminar series, “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,” TelePlayshop courses, private coaching and blog at www.UnleashYourself.com.
Eris Huemer on “Are All Men Jerks?”
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 16, 2010 - 6:00 am
Are you at the point in your life where you say to yourself, “All Men Are Jerks!”?
One of the things that I hear my women clients (and gay male friends) say over and over again when they first come to me is:
“Where have all of the good men gone?”
Or, “All of the good guys are taken!”
Do you have a history of dating the same “Mr. Wrongs” over and over again?
Do you seem to repeat the same issues in relationships time and time again?
If so, then it’s easy to believe that ALL MEN ARE JERKS.
The truth is that all men are NOT TAKEN and NOT EVERY ONE IS A JERK.
As you continue rocking Lisa’s 30 Day Get Out There Challenge, I invite you to change your beliefs about men.
Of course there are some situations where the man is not on his “best behavior.” So, why were you with him in the first place? And even more importantly – why did you stay?
The question for you is: what are you doing in your relationships that attract the same men and situations over and over again? What is it in you that you need to heal? See, it’s not all about him and what he is doing or has done.
IT REALLY IS ALL ABOUT YOU.
Thinking that all men are jerks is a limiting belief on love.
More limiting beliefs about love are:
* All men cheat. They can’t be trusted.
* All good men are taken/married.
* I don’t deserve love.
* There is no love for me.
* I am unlovable.
* I don’t deserve to be loved.
* Love doesn’t really exist or last.
* Who would want me? I’m too old, fat, unattractive…
* I’m too busy to date.
* Love is pain, so I don’t want it
I suggest that you change your negative thinking and know that there are great guys (and girls) out there. Shift your Limited Beliefs on love to Unlimited Beliefs about the Abundance of love.
A few common examples are:
* There are faithful and committed men. They can be trusted.
* There are many available men.
* I deserve love.
* I have so much to offer a mate!
* Men are constantly asking me out on a date.
* It’s never too late for love.
* There is such thing as love and I embrace it in my life.
* There is enough time in the day for me to date.
* Love is joyful because I get to grow and become more of my best self.
* I create love in my life everyday.
* I am always connected to a power that is greater than me (whatever it is me) to attract me to the relationship of my highest & best good.
Now it’s your turn.
What are your new Unlimiting Beliefs about the Abundance of love?
So, the answer to the first question is: The good men have gone nowhere.
Its up to you to get yourself out there and find him!
About The Expert
Eris Huemer, M.A., is an internationally sought after relationship counselor and coach, author, speaker and CEO of SIRE Enterprises, who specializes in doing Love Makeovers with singles and couples. She can be found at http://loveeris.com/
Cherry Norris On How to Catch A Cutie’s Eye
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 6, 2010 - 7:00 am
I’m so excited to share with you my friend Cherry Norris’ 3 easy to implement tips for catching a cutie’s attention! It may sound TOO easy, but it’s not. It’s JUST RIGHT. Follow the 3 steps listed below and have fun with the results!
You’re out with your girlfriends. You’re having a great time talking and laughing.
When suddenly, out of the corner of your eye, you spot him. A cutie who quickens your pulse. Could he be your man?
What do you do? How do you know if he’s available to meet you?
You could just go up and ask him. Be brave. Speak first. See if he’s interested.
I wouldn’t advise it.
Why not?
Because when you approach a man and make the first move, you don’t know if he’s YOUR man. He may be someone else’s man and is acting polite.
So how do you meet this cutie?
Catch His Eye
Catch his eye and smile for five seconds. Yes, it’s tough. Yes, it feels like forever and you feel like a slut. Your lip sticks to your teeth because all the saliva is out of your mouth and down to your pits.
But it’s important to do it anyway.
Catch your cutie’s eye and hold the gaze long enough to see if he’s interested, available and safe to meet you.
If he is, he will approach you.
Wait For Him to Speak
When your cutie approaches you, let him speak first. Let him start the conversation. Let him say whatever he wants to say.
It’s tough when your cutie is thinking of what to say to you for the first time. He doesn’t want to look like an idiot. He wants to say something that will impress you or make you laugh. He wants your respect.
So no matter how awkward or clumsy it feels, just sit, smile and wait for him to speak.
Even if he says something stupid like, “Where’d you get your shoes?”, (You’ll laugh about it later) your man is brave. He’s a hero. It takes courage for your cutie to walk across the room and say “hello.”
Follow the Leader
After he speaks, be receptive to whatever he says. Let him talk and lead the conversation. He’ll tell you who he is. He’ll give you a lot of good information.
This is good news for many reasons. You don’t have to be clever. You don’t have to perform. You don’t have to impress him with your accomplishments. You get to relax, listen to his stories and be entertained by them or not.
Hear what he says. Hear what he’s offering. See how he makes you feel.
Your cutie will want you and tell you he does. He will make a plan to see you and care about your feelings.
If he’s not your cutie, he won’t do these things. Instead, he’ll ask you to call him and expect you to want him more. And if he does make a plan, it’s rare he follows through.
As you get out there during Lisa’s challenge, pay attention to the cuties who approach, take risks, and pursue you. And pay attention to those you approach, take risk, and pursue. YOUR cutie will make the effort, follow up, and follow through.
About The Expert
Cherry Norris, “The Hollywood Dating Director” helps single women prepare for the role of a lifetime so they can star in their own love story. She can be found at http://hollywooddatingdirector.com/index.html
Change starts with Y-O-U
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 9, 2009 - 7:22 am
I recently received this breakup story from a girl who may have learned her lessons the hard way, but now understands that change starts with her. You know what they say — hindsight is always 2020…
“I started seeing this guy after leaving a very dangerous and rocky relationship. He was the best and it was something that I have never experenced before. After about 4 months, out of the blue he ended things and got with someone else. When we broke up, I tried to understand why and what I did wrong. I eventually had to realize that I didn’t do anything wrong. I did everything I was supposed to do. I loved him with all I had. He kept me strung along for months. We would talk on a normal basis and he felt that he needed to check up on me. Of course when his new girlfriend broke up with him, he came running to me and to my bed. I let him in and continued to do so until one day I woke up and realized that I had to stop. I cut him out of my life completely because it wasn’t worth going through the hurt again. I refused to be the bed warmer and the shoulder to cry on. He came to me because he knew that I had a soft place in my heart for him and he used me and I allowed it to happen but I put an end to it. One day he will realize that he had it all with me and by then it will be too late.”
– A Recovered Heart in the Heartland
