Day 24: F*** your beliefs
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 24, 2010 - 6:00 am
Ever wish you could have amnesia and wipe the slate clean of your limiting beliefs and bad love habits?
Do it today. Here’s how…
Instead of walking around with the same old tired belief system that says love is out of reach, relationship success is for others, that time has run out on your chance to get love right, change your story today.
Seriously, rewrite it. Get out a pen and paper and write the story you want to have. Get specific.
See yourself falling madly in love with someone who is equally crazy about you.
Picture your dream wedding. Be there. What music is playing? What food are you serving? How does it feel to be this blissfully in love?
No, this is not some cruel joke. By having amnesia for a day and connecting to the love you want and deserve, you give yourself permission to rewrite your story. You create the opportunity to break free of whatever is holding you back from believing it can actually happen for you.
If this exercise seems trivial or pointless, DO IT. Resistance proves that you need to do this exercise. Have fun with it. Play! Get creative! Give yourself the happily ever after ending you truly desire. You deserve it.
Once you’ve rewritten your beliefs, embody them for a day. Walk around strutting your stuff and knowing that your happily ever after future already exists. Mr. Right may not have shown up yet. But he’s here. And he’s doing everything possible to get to you. So why not do everything possible to get to him, including rewriting your story?
Share our stories here on the blog. I can’t wait to hear from you!
For more tips like this, check out http://lisasteadman.com/category/30-day-challenge/
Melanie Gorman on Learning to Let a Toxic Wing-Woman Go
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 5:00 am
I’m a big believer that every single gal needs her Woohoo Crew, aka her group of healthy and happy single gal pals who can celebrate being single AND scout for cuties. Here’s an eye opening article from Melanie Gorman on how to let go of a toxic frenemy.
When I was single, my girlfriends made up the most critical part of my support network. They helped me when I was down and out, they supported me as I met (and vetted) men and they acted as my wingman for all occasions. If I needed a date to a wedding and a good man wasn’t around, I took a girlfriend. If I had a family dinner, holiday party or work event and I wanted a guaranteed good time, frequently, I took a friend. My girlfriends were the people I most trusted in the world; they were the backbone of my social life and without them I would have been truly lost.
Friends act as our mirrors. They tell us when things are good or bad. They have permission to be candid with their advice and are encouraged to tell us when we have a bad hair day, a bad boss and a bad boyfriend. Without them, we make the same mistakes over and over again. With them, we still make mistakes, but with more smiles and less pain as we grow from their support.
So what happens when one of our wing-women stops supporting us? When this happens we have to recognize the importance of their role in our lives and take action. Sometimes that means a coming-to-Jesus with our friend. Other times, the writing is on the wall, and we need to take a break.
When you think about your wing-women and their importance in your life, these are the signs that you’re dealing with a toxic friend:
1.It’s one-sided. All relationships have a natural ebb and flow to them when it comes to giving and receiving support. Here we’re talking about things like listening, making the effort to get together, spending resources on the friendship, you get the idea. The sign that a friendship is becoming unhealthy is when this give and take becomes overly one-sided. Examples include when you’re always the one to make the calls, text, say hello on Facebook/email, ask for the girls-night, do the driving, pay the tab etc.
2.It’s dishonest. Honesty and genuineness are critical to keeping friendships alive. When one or both people begin making excuses, leaving out details or outright lying there is something wrong. Our friends aren’t the home improvement committee, the simply love and like us as we are. When that is missing or we’re masking our true selves to keep the peace, it’s a sign that something deeper is wrong.
3.It’s overly critical. Friends are supposed to support us, if not, why have them? There’s a big difference between constructive criticism and cruelty. People who consistently criticize us hurt our self-esteem. It’s one thing to say that a shade of lipstick doesn’t match your skin tone, it’s another to pick out all the things that are wrong with a person’s appearance. If someone is constantly pointing out the things we’re doing wrong and makes no time to acknowledge the things we’re doing right, this is a sign the relationship is not a healthy one.
4.Your attraction and attachment to the friendship has changed. The truth is that people change. Life events, stress, age and time all affect how we see the world and how we behave. Sometimes our when our values and interests diverge we lose our connection. Change is ok; it’s a part of life. Chances are if your interest has changed that your friend is aware of this change and is feeling it too.
5.Your life feels better without them. Often during times of change, you’ll find that you have less time/interest in being with your friend. Ask yourself if you’re happier without them. Does the love and history they bring to your life make up for the stress and drama they also provide? If the bad outweighs the good, then your answer is clear.
Toxic friendships can truly be harmful to everyone involved. As you consider this list, if the friendship that you have in mind comes up as a net negative, then it’s clear what you need to do. All that’s left is to decide how you want to back away and if a conversation is necessary. There’s no requirement that you have a “big talk”, sometimes simply backing away is enough. But, if you feel the need to have the talk, try to remember points two and three above and be honest yet kind.
About The Expert
Melanie Gorman is the Director of Marketing & Business Development for YourTango.com, an online community offering smart talk about love. Check out her other articles and resources here.
Deborah Kagan on Tapping Into Your Mojo
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 23, 2010 - 6:21 am
Ever feel like you’ve lost your mojo? Wondering how to reclaim your sassy swagger? You’re in luck! My good friend Deborah Kagan is THE mojo recovery specialist. And she’s got some great advice for how to rock your mojo throughout the rest of my 30 Day Get Out There Challenge and BEYOND…
The best way to tap into your mojo — boost your libido and start thinking like a sexual being — is to start living below your neck. Get out of your head and feel your body.
While our brains are crucial to being a fully realized woman, your true brilliance comes when you connect the brain with your “power center.” Your power center has a physical location and specific function. It lives two finger widths below your navel and it stores your mojo. Mojo = fuel. It’s your life force. Think of it as your own personal gas station. You can sidle up to the pump anytime you need to recharge. When a conscious connection is made to the power center, you feel full, alive and juicy.
Here are a few surefire ways to tap into your power center and claim your mojo:
Breathe. Full belly breaths with awareness. Inhale so you can feel it in your pelvis. You can do this anywhere and anytime.
Stomp your feet. For real. Like a kid does when they’re about to have a major tantrum. Increase blood circulation south of your hips!
Bedroom purge. Remove anything and everything from the bedroom that doesn’t fall into the three R’s of Rest, Romance, Rejuvenation. The distractions clog the channels.
Dance party. Turn up the tunes and bee-bop around. Get your booty shakin’… And you might just work a partner in the mix!
About The Expert
Deborah Kagan is an educator/author/mojo recovery specialist. She works with women who have lost their sexual spark and want to find it and feel juicy. Her methods combine over 20 years of information and experience in the fields of holistic health and human sexuality. Connect with her at www.sacredinteriors.com and www.pussypowerposse.com.
Day 23: Talk to a cutie who intimidates you
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 6:00 am
Now that you’ve gotten comfortable making conversation with men you don’t know every day, learned some fabulous flirting skills, and have surrendered to the fact that you have no idea when Mr. Right will show up, I’ve got another comfort zone pushing task for you today.
Approach and talk to a cutie who intimidates you.
You heard me! Now is the time to summon up that inner strength, connect to the catch you really are, and get your flirt on with someone you find exciting and intimidating. This is the next step in your progress during my 30 Day Get Out There Challenge.
By pushing your comfort zone, you’ll blast through any remaining beliefs that say you’re not worthy of love.
Today’s task may feel incredibly uncomfortable. Breathe and do it anyway. And then celebrate yourself, no matter what the results are. You took a risk — woohoo!
Feeling challenged? Share your resistance here. Rocking today’s tip? Share that, too!
For more tips like this, check out http://lisasteadman.com/category/30-day-challenge/
Day 22: Are you trying to keep up with Ms. and Mrs. Jones?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 22, 2010 - 6:00 am
Are you ultra competitive with other women?
Do you believe that there is NOT enough love or happiness to go around and so you need to hoard some for yourself?
Are you living in such scarcity, lack, and fear that you can’t be happy for other people’s success?
Today, break free of your need to keep up with the Ms. and Mrs. Joneses of the world. Learn to celebrate other women’s success and happiness. Be inspired by it. When you do, you’ll realize that there’s room for all of us at the top.
In breaking free from scarcity and lack, your new attitude will be incredibly attractive. Amazing opportunities will come your way — in life, career, success, and love. Woohoo!
For more tips like this, check out http://lisasteadman.com/category/30-day-challenge/
Jennifer Tardy on 1 Simple Way to Prove You’ve Found Mr. Right
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 5:02 am
If you haven’t already met Jennifer Tardy, allow me to introduce you. Jennifer has a simple formula for how to know if the guy you’re dating has the potential to be more than Mr. Next and actually be Mr. Right…
During Lisa’s 30 Day Get Out There Challenge, I’ve hope you’ve had fun reclaiming your sparkle, meeting men in every day life, and getting comfortable with your personal flirting style. What comes next is even more fun! It’s time to see if any of these cuties can be Mr. Right.
So, you’ve been out there dating. You’ve walked through downtown for lunch, instead of sitting behind your desk all day. You’ve visited the many festivities offered by your neighborhood—for some much needed networking and socializing. You’ve been open, honest, and optimistic which is everything that your girlfriends have urged you to be. As silly as it sounded at the time, it’s actually worked in your favor! You’ve been dating one special guy for a few months now, and you have this strange feeling that he could, in fact, be—Mr. Right. The only problem is that you are uncertain of how to confirm this. As it stands, you thought the other deadbeats that you fell for previously were all Mr. Rights too.
No worries.
You’re covered.
Here’s a secret: The number one way to confirm that you’ve met YOUR Mr. Right is to ask yourself one simple question, “Has being with him made my life LESS complicated?”
And more importantly, has he ENRICHED your life?
If you say yes to these basic questions, then you are good to go. You already are head over heels for him. Now that he’s helping to balance your life in the simplest way—by making it less complex and MORE enriching, you couldn’t ask for anything more. As a matter of fact, let’s get specific. Here are four ways that you can confirm that he’s truly making your life less complicated and more enriching…
1. He’s compatible. He’s well-matched, like-minded—similar. Both of you have things in common. You don’t have to waste a lot of time arguing over what to do this weekend, or where to go on vacation, or what the terms of your relationship are. You both have similar goals, visions, and you are simply—a good match. Studies show that although opposites attract, couples who have things in common tend to stay together longer.
2. He’s involved. The relationship is not just yours to hold together, it’s both of your responsibilities. He recognizes that. He puts in as much work as you do even if it means late night debates, or early morning apologies. He’s in it—and for the long run. That takes so much of the pressure off of you.
3. He’s a partner. He’s the yin to your yang. You cook the dinner, and he cleans the dishes. He pays the bill, so you leave the tip. You notice your undercooked food, and he’s already complaining to the waiter. You’re buying his groceries as he’s cleaning your car. It just flows—your relationship, that is. It feels so good because you don’t have to do everything by yourself anymore. You truly have a partner in its most genuine sense.
4. He’s responsible. He’s such a man of his word! If he says that it’s going to be, you can consider it already done. You don’t have to check behind him, follow up with him, ask him repeatedly to get something done. He doesn’t behave that way in the relationship—at least not where it matters.
All of these rules of thumb only point to the fact that he makes your life less complicated and more enriching. It’s amazing how the simpler things in life have been carelessly overlooked. We are paying hundreds of dollars for matchmakers to tell us what complex type of relationship we need. In reality aren’t we really seeking peace. Things like peace and simplicity are being shadowed by drama and complexity. You know just how very stressful the average relationship can be. Sometimes it even seems like you are working overtime just to see eye to eye with your partner. It can be difficult to envision a life less complicated. But we all want it. We already know that we can do badly on our own. Why date someone who can make it worse?
Those who may not know the good feeling that I’m referring to, may not really understand just the vigor it emanates. As couples are complicating the philosophy of love, trust, respect and communication, we have to begin seeking simpler ways of really understanding how we feel while dating. Always remember that in any relationship you get involved in (romantic or otherwise), always seek a life, well—less complicated.
About the Expert
Jennifer Tardy (a.k.a. JM Tardy) is a Healthy Relationship Activist™, Post Dating Adjustment Coach™, and author of a series of relationship books under the umbrella of her Forever Tardy, but Never Late collection including Volume I: His Ingredient Label: A Woman’s Guide to Recognizing a Junk Food Man. She’s trained thousands in understanding the behaviors of others and how this can strengthen relationships personally and professionally. You can visit her Relationship Resources site at http://www.JenniferTardy.com/.
Cheri Valentine on “Where all all the good men?”
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 21, 2010 - 10:13 am
Ever wonder where all the good men are? My friend and relationship intuitive Cheri Valentine has some specific examples of where you can start meeting men today. Enjoy!
In searching for Mr. Right, my clients often ask, “Where can I find good men?” Many women do not enjoy going to bars and feel like a fish out of water when they do go. Other people think they are too busy to look.
Since Lisa’s 30 Day Get Out There Challenge is all about getting you out from behind the computer and meeting men in every day life, let’s be clear. You CAN find men anywhere doing what you already do. This works best when you are living your life from a place of presence and joy. When you are happy with yourself, and your life, you will attract and be drawn to others who are also happy with themselves and their life. You connect without even trying by just being open. Of course, you must believe this is possible. However, it is helpful to have a little more guidance, so I offer you the following…
1. Choose venues where you can effectively meet people who can be likely potential partners. The more aligned the venue is with your interests and values, the higher rate of success you will experience.
2. Have an open mind about dating, enjoy the people you meet, and be present when dealing with people.
3. Be yourself. Stay true to yourself. This begins with knowing who you are, what you want, trusting that you will meet the right one for you, and committing to wait until you meet him. Until you do meet Mr. Right, evaluate each experience for the lesson that makes your life and search for your perfect partner richer.
4. Remember to smile. Smiling sends a message that you are open and welcome the opportunity to engage with another. Say hello. Initiate conversation and practice this art often. Don’t wait for someone to approach you. Remember how amazing you are!
5. Be willing to attend venues alone to scout out potential cuties. How romantic to meet Mr. Right in front of your favorite painting at the museum or watching underwater sea life at the aquarium. Open your mind to who looks interesting. You can learn so much from talking to people, so don’t narrow your vista to what you think is “your type.” That hasn’t worked so well for you in the past.
6. Stay open and receptive when in PUBLIC SETTINGS – the grocery store, post office, coffee shop, and work place, at the ball field where your children play sports, or the playground, beach, amusement parks. You can meet people anywhere; so do not discount these public places as a way to meet someone who could have your top requirements.
Beyond meeting men in every day life, you’ll want to put yourself out there in 3 specific venues:
GENERIC SINGLE EVENTS such as singles dances or single gatherings of any kind, personal ads, dating services, internet dating sites. You are getting a bit more specific where you will meet people who are single. If you are using a dating site, remember this is to find potentials and meet them. Get out from behind that computer once you’ve connected and make real contact.
SPECIAL INTEREST ACTIVITIES like ski club, hiking club, chess club or any club that is of interest to you, photography class, art class, etc. Here you can meet people who have more in common with you besides being single. It is also an opportunity to make friends and build a community of support even with people who are not single. Married people have single friends. Single friends have single friends, and so on.
HIGLY ALLIGNED COMMUNITIES that share your values, interests, goals, and passions like church communities, social activist groups, and spiritual organizations. This is also a great place to ask for help in meeting single friends from the members in these communities. By asking for help, and letting people know you are actively looking to find the right person for you, you increase the numbers of men to meet.
Part of finding Mr. Right is being a happy single who is living your life fully. When you are living life, enjoying your present moments and taking in life for the pure pleasure and experience it offers, you are in a far better position to meet your future love partner, one who also is happily living their life while waiting to meet you. Remember the law of attraction is always at work!
About The Expert
As a Relationship Intuitive and Love Strategist, Cheri Valentine has been cooking up recipes for attracting ideal relationships. She has successfully guided men and women through the maze of Relating, Dating & Mating on a transformational journey to love that is perfect for them. She is the creator of 90 Days 2 Love Attraction Collaborative and will be releasing her book, 90 Days 2 Love – Transforming Your Love Life from the Inside Out this fall. She can be found at http://www.cherivalentine.com/
Day 21: Are you REALLY ready for love?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 6:00 am
I talked to so many single women who think they’re ready for love. And yet when I ask them how they’re making room for it in their lives, or how they’re getting ready for their perfect partner, they just looked at me blankly.
You need to be ready for love in order for it to show up. That means checking your emotional baggage. Clearing any remaining personal clutter from your life. Making space in your home for him. Making space in your heart for him.
Today, make a list of what you need to do to get ready for love. Maybe you need to surrender to not knowing when he’ll show up. Maybe you need to break free of the pain of your past. Maybe you need to de-clutter your home.
Make a list of what you need to do to set the scene for love. One by one, check things off the list.
What do you need to do to get ready for love? Share it here!
And good luck with this tip. If you need help, ask me. I’m here for you!
For more tips like this, check out http://lisasteadman.com/category/30-day-challenge/
Jennifer Gauvain and Anne Milford on 3 signs you need to call off your wedding
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 20, 2010 - 6:47 am
I often meet single women who are so singularly focused on finding a man they can marry that they lose all sense of reality and common sense. That’s why I’m soo excited to share this next article with you. I met Jennifer and Anne on Twitter, heard about their amazing book How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy, and just HAD to share their genius with you. So before you jump into the wrong relationship with both feet, read on…
As a relationship therapist and researcher, we’ve talked to hundreds of women who married the wrong guy for the wrong reason. What’s even more amazing is that every one of them knew they were making a mistake as they were walking down the aisle. What can we learn from their mistakes? If you hear yourself saying any of the following, it may be a sign that you need to call off your wedding or end your relationship:
“If it doesn’t work out, we can always get a divorce.”
If you are already thinking that divorce may be in your future, it should be a big red flag about the relationship. Divorce is a miserable, messy and expensive. The women we talked to said it was the most painful experience of their life. Even when YOU are the one serving the papers — it will be more stressful than you ever imagined. Don’t walk down the aisle with someone you’re not sure about.
“We’ve dated for so long; I don’t want to waste the time I’ve invested in the relationship.”
Don’t marry a guy just because you’ve dated him for a long time. Length of relationship does not equal healthy relationship. If you’ve been settling for a ho-hum, less than fulfilling romantic relationship, don’t turn it into a boring, unhappy marriage. He doesn’t have to be a liar and a cheater to be wrong for you.
“Things will get better after the wedding.”
What you see is what you get! Your relationship will not instantly change and improve after you get married. An unfaithful fiance will be an unfaithful husband. A short-tempered and dishonest boyfriend will be a short-tempered and dishonest groom. Don’t marry someone thinking they will change. If your groom-to-be has character traits or issues that you don’t like — don’t fool yourself into thinking they will magically disappear after your wedding.
While the women we talked to were very different, their reasons for going through with a mistaken marriage were surprisingly similar. We heard variations of these same three reasons over and over again. If you are telling yourself the same things, or believe that you may be marrying the wrong guy — you need to put the brakes on the wedding planning. Don’t say “I do” when you are thinking “I don’t!” For more reasons why women date and/or marry the wrong guy visit www.coldfeetpress.com.
About The Experts
Jennifer Gauvain, MSW, LCSW and Anne Milford are the authors of How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy: Is He the One or Should You Run? (Broadway/Random House, May 2010).
Day 20: Don’t be THAT Girl
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 6:00 am
Are you a bitch? A princess? A damsel in distress? A Shero?
If so, it may be sabotaging your chances of meeting Mr. Right.
Today, get clear about the dangerous personas you carry around with you like a chip on your shoulder.
If you’re an entitled princess who believes that every man should give you everything you want, that’s not very attractive. Good men don’t like dating princesses.
If you walk around waiting to be rescued and not taking responsibility for your life, what man is going to want to date you?
If you lead with your resume and incredibly masculine energy, a man will feel irrelevant around you. He’ll also feel emasculated.
To understand which dating personas you walk through life with, grab a copy of my book If He’s Not The One, Who Is? What went wrong and what it takes to find Mr. Right. There’s a whole chapter on how to break free from these dangerous personas.
Once you break free, surrender to not knowing when Mr. Right will show up. Celebrate yourself and your fabulous life. And make room for someone special.
Good luck! Report your progress here.
For more tips like this, check out http://lisasteadman.com/category/30-day-challenge/
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