Ditch It, Donate It, Destroy It: What to do with all your ex’s stuff
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on August 13, 2010 - 7:00 am
It’s over. Now what? A better question would be what are you going to do with all the memories left behind? Whether you know it or not, the key to surviving and thriving lies in your ability to successfully sever ties with your ex. Not to mention all the stuff he left behind.
Starting today, make a conscious effort to get rid of any evidence that your ex actually existed. Maybe you feel like you’re not ready yet, but I promise this is an important and necessary step to your recovery. So wrap that comfy blanket or quilt around you, keep a handful of tissues in one hand, and in the other grab a sturdy bag or box. Now, go from room to room, putting anything into the box/bag that your ex left behind. This includes his old stuff (socks, toothbrush, Xbox, etc.), items that will only remind you of your ex and therefore torture you (old photos, letters, mementos), or gifts that your ex gave you (including the teddy bear on your bed). Once you’ve done a clean sweep of your home, clearing any visual reminders of your ex, put the bag/box down. You now have a decision to make. Will you:
1. Trash his stuff
2. Donate his belongings
3. Return the items of value, dump the rest
4. Put everything somewhere for safekeeping until you’re over him
While I’m a big believer that time plus distance equals moving on from an ex, I have my sentimental side, too. I recognize that you may want to keep certain mementos from your relationship — old photos, letters, cards, etc. However, for the duration of your recovery, your ex’s things have got to go. And that’s what the box is for. Once you’ve packed up all of his stuff and gotten rid of as much of it as you’re willing to, close the lid on the items you want to hold onto. Put the box in the very top of your hall closet, in a storage area you don’t frequent, or better yet, give it to a friend for safekeeping. Explain that you’ll eventually want the box back but that first, your heart needs to heal. You’ll thank yourself later for performing this necessary exorcism.
For more on how to perform a thorough exorcism, get copies of my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
And to remind yourself that you’re NOT alone, check out The Breakup Chronicles, featuring real stories of how breaking up with the wrong person is always the right thing to do.
Divorce 101: Surefire strategies to rock your recovery
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on August 11, 2010 - 6:45 am
Healing and moving on after breakup is easier when you can cut your ex out of your life completely. However, when you go through divorce, you can’t always do that. Maybe you have kids together, property together, a business together, etc. If this is the case, the first thing to do when going through a divorce is create new boundaries with your ex. Only discuss matters that relate to both of you, i.e. the children, business, property. Don’t try to nurture each other through the divorce or talk about your new social life. That just muddies the water and makes moving on more difficult.
Enlist the help of your Boo-Hoo Crew
No matter how many breakups we go through our life, we never get through them without our friends. Divorce is no exception. It’s important to have a support system in place for those times when you’re sad, depressed, or just have the urge to contact your ex. If you don’t feel comfortable, enlisting the help of friends he made during your marriage, call on old friends or join a divorce support group. And don’t worry — as you ease into Movin’ On Mode, your Boo-Hoo Crew becomes your Woo-Hoo Crew!
Give your bedroom a makeover
It may seem insignificant, but your bedroom holds the key to how quickly and easily you move on after a divorce. That’s why it’s necessary to give your bedroom a bit of a makeover. Buy new sheets or a new comforter, move the bed to another wall (or get a new bed!), invest in a new set of pajamas that your ex never saw you in, invite a new scent into the room with candles or air freshener. Do whatever it takes so that every time you enter the bedroom, you’re not reminded of your divorce and instead are able to focus on celebrating you and your ability to move on!
Give yourself a makeover
Divorce can be tough on your self-esteem. That’s why it’s so important to treat yourself to a makeover. It helps us reconnect with our inner fabulousness. So go ahead — invest in that cut, color, and highlights. Re-vamp your closet. Stop by the makeup counter at your local department store and get a new look. You deserve to celebrate the new you that’s emerging after the divorce. She’s fabulous. And she deserves to be celebrated!
Throw yourself a movin’ on party
Celebrate the new and improved life after your divorce by throwing yourself a movin’ on party. The party is not so much focused on celebrating divorce as it is celebrating the life that’s now waiting for you, a life that promises to be more authentic and inspired now that you’re free to be true to yourself. Only invite friends and family who can celebrate your future and not dwell on the past.
For hands on help getting over your divorce or breakup, pick up copies of my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and the 21 day workbook It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
Happily Ever After…an archive favorite
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on August 9, 2010 - 7:12 am
This happens to be one of my all-time fave stories ever shared with The Breakup Chronicles. Enjoy!
By Lani Voivod
I would start with the image of a semi-crushed can of Keystone Light flying across a seedy motel parking lot in Cody, Wyoming at four in the morning, followed by an impassioned SLAP in the face, but it all sounds like one big freakin’ cliche. So I’ll pick some arbitrary spot on the timeline, label it “The Beginning,” and start there instead.
Mr. Ex arrived at the resort toting nothing but a duffle bag and a crooked smile. I had been working on the outskirts of Nowhere for about two months – two months that felt like a few hard, lonely years at Sing Sing. I had fled my life in our nation’s capital to claim a personal sabbatical in the Wyoming wilderness at the ripe old age of 24. Ironically, heartbreak was the catalyst for that decision, too.
On the national spectrum of good-looking men, Mr. Ex would probably fall in at about a five. On this remote resort’s spectrum of good-looking menMr. Ex leaped to a whopping nine. He had all his teeth, a full head of hair, some rippling muscles, and the flirty confidence of Tom Cruise.
He also had a teardrop tattoo (gang slang for, “Look at me! I’ve murdered a rival gang member!”) and an Indian-inked “ODESTO” tattoo that sprawled across his abdomen. It was supposed to say “MODESTO,” as in Mr. Ex’s hometown, but unfortunately for Mr. Ex, the artist/fellow inmate ran out of ink before he could finish. I guess they were too busy with cockroach races to bother finishing it up over the rest of the six-month sentence Mr. Ex earned for robbing a mini-mart of $40 and a case of beer.
Here are my excuses: I was lonely, drunk, heartbroken, desperate, deluded, stoned, and lacking in self-esteem, self-worth and self-knowledge – not necessarily in that order. I didn’t know what I wanted out of life, thought I had lost my youth, and had gained 40 lbs. in two months. At such times in a woman’s life she sees only one “cure,” however temporary. That cure is SEX.
Mercifully, Mr. Ex was too drunk to notice the sprawling lard that was my ass and my bad perm. He spoiled me with booze and sweet, city-licked poetics, plowing through his meager paycheck in one sitting. We went on hallucinogenic hikes through grizzly-infested woods. We lit bonfires anywhere we pleased and insisted we were “one with nature.” Short, unexpected bursts of intelligence and insight were punctuated with the word “dude” and his air-headed laughter.
Among other things, he begged me to buy him a wallet with a chain attached to it. Lord knows what he intended to put in it, but I acquiesced. I had become some sort of white trash sugar-mama. I was even contemplating a life in a pick-up and cab-trailer with this moral-less, penniless, vision-less moocher, and yet somehow I thought my father was the crazy one when, after a long talk in a phone booth, he suggested I was out of my damn mind.
Â
Which brings me to a certain motel parking lot. After a long day attending to some weird crisis involving evictions, suspended licenses and general mullet-filled drama, I found myself shelling out yet more money for a room in town in which about ten misfits – myself included – would party and crash for the night. Several cases of cheap beer later and I’m standing in a parking lot at four in the morning, REALLY angry, looking Mr. Ex straight in the eyes. My eyes are red and puffy from crying, and we’re fighting over something -definitely something ridiculously stupid.
It is at this degrading point that I throw the semi-crushed can of Keystone Light across the parking lot. I would have said this is the absolute lowest point in my life, but, ever the perfectionist, I had to up the ante by actually slipping further down the hole of humiliation and slapping this guy hard across the face.
I don’t know why he didn’t hit me back. He wanted to – I could see it in his eyes – but he didn’t. The sound of the slap in the pre-dawn Wyoming air woke me up to the absurdity of the scenario. It also summoned three inner truths that had been in hibernation for some time:
I want better than this.
I deserve better than this.
I AM better than this.
I went back inside, crashed on the floor next to a bunch of other lost souls, and woke up again a few hours later to a brand new day.
Thank God.
Mr. Ex left the following week with one of the other female lost souls sitting faithfully by his side. They had found a 1978 pick-up in town for $300 and decided to seek their fortune in Jackson Hole. I stayed on at the resort through winter, left around the first day of spring, and headed south on Rt. 25, eventually bound for Southern California.
Less than six months later I met my husband. My darling, beautiful, intelligent, handsome, law-abiding husband, whose only tattoo is a tattoo of a playing card: the seven of hearts. He surprised me with it about six months after we moved in together. He says it’s his good luck card, and I’ll happily ever after take his word for it.
Funny how life works out. You just can’t make this stuff up. I guess, in the end, it all sounds like one big freakin’ cliche, huh?
What’s YOUR Breakup Chronicles story?
Breakups 101: Letting Go Of Your Old Self
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on August 7, 2010 - 7:00 am
Are you feeling hung up on your ex?
Paralyzed and not sure how to move on?
Wondering if you’ll ever find love again?
Stop.
It’s time to set yourself free.
In order to heal and move on after heartbreak, your first order of business is to ask yourself what aspects of the old you no longer work. Keep in mind that your mission is not to launch a personal attack on your psyche. Rather, this is an opportunity to examine who you used to be and who you’re slowly but surely becoming, along the way identifying any old behaviors, beliefs, and/or personality traits that may be holding you back. Things you may want to leave behind include:
1. Limiting beliefs about love and relationships
2. Low self-esteem that inhibits your personal development
3. Deep seated fears that forecast a bleak future
4. Walls and/or boundaries you put up to keep people out but ultimately leave you isolated and unhappy
By letting go of what no longer works, you take yet another step towards your bright future. So go ahead, ask the question:
What is it about my past self that no longer works?
Make a list of at least ten things. The more thorough you are in this exercise, the better. If you need help getting started, feel free to borrow from the following sample list, as it applies to you.
What is it about my past self that no longer works?
1. I was too needy with my ex (and in every other relationship, too)
2. I didn’t feel like I could be myself around my ex and his friends
3. I have a bad habit of throwing temper tantrums when I don’t get my way
4. Everyone I know is miserable and unhappy, so I’m doomed to be miserable and unhappy, too
5. I’m afraid I’m too screwed up to have a good relationship
Once you’ve made your list, review it. Pay special attention to how many items on the list relate to your ex as well as how many issues you’re still holding onto because of your ex, thinking there’s still value in being defined by them or him. The truth is, it doesn’t matter who you were with what’s his name. What matters is who you want to become now that you’re free to be your most authentic self. That’s one of the gifts your breakup gave you — the opportunity to become the real you.
Look at the list again. How many items on the list relate to low self-esteem or limited beliefs about what you deserve in life and love? There are probably at least one or two. Whether you know it or not, the only thing standing between you and the beautiful/amazing life you deserve is your future belief system. Your past beliefs don’t matter. Your new set of beliefs can be whatever you want and need them to be. You, too, can be whomever you want and need to be. The only thing stopping you is, well, you. Today, get out of your own way and embrace a healthy and happy new belief system.
For help with this exercise, pick up a copy of my book If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right.
Breakup Behavior to Avoid: How to Keep Your Breakup from Becoming a Breakdown
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on August 5, 2010 - 7:00 am
Like the old song says breaking up is hard to do. But you don’t have to have a total breakdown. Instead, adhere to the following post-breakup Do’s and Don’ts and you’ll be healing your broken heart in no time:
Don’t: Call, email, or maintain any other contact with your ex. It’s just not healthy for your recovery. Instead, use this post-breakup time to focus on yourself and your own healing.
Do: Create a support group of friends (a.k.a. your Boo-Hoo Crew) who can help you through your post breakup recovery.
Don’t: Spend too much time obsessing about what went wrong, how things could have been different, or continue to ask yourself Why?
Do: Accept that the breakup has happened, give yourself time to heal, and allow yourself to mourn the loss (a.k.a. celebrate your slump).
Don’t: Engage in risky post-breakup behavior including rebounding and revenge (it will just cloud your vision and/or result in legal action).
Do: Take all that post-breakup rage and channel it into positive, healthy outlets. Join a gym and kickbox your rage away. You’ll look and feel better in no time! Instead of trashing your ex’s stuff, why not donate it to a homeless shelter? He still loses out on his Little League trophies, favorite blue shirt, etc. but someone else – someone in need – benefits!
Don’t: Lose yourself in misery. While it’s okay to celebrate your slump, the time will come when you’ll want to dump your slump, which is why you can’t get caught up in the post-breakup blues. Give yourself time to feel the pain, but then give yourself permission to move on.
Do: See your breakup for what it really is – a chance to learn some important life lessons, celebrate your resilience, and eventually meet someone new (someone better suited for you who would have gone unmet had the breakup never happened).
For hands on help getting through your breakup, grab copies of my survival manifestos It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
For added support, join my Facebook Fan page here:
http://www.facebook.com/LisaSteadmanFans
Reconnect with the Ex? What You Need To Know Before You Give It Another Go
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on August 4, 2010 - 7:00 am
After a relationship ends, it’s all too easy to second-guess the decision to split up. And while reconsidering doesn’t necessarily mean you should reunite, what happens if you and your ex DO decide you’d like to give the relationship another go? Maybe the time away from one another has shown you the error of your ways. Perhaps you’ve each had time to assess what went wrong and are now committed to a fresh start. Before you make the decision to reunite, review the following important factors. And revisit the benefits of bouncing back after a breakup.
1. Make sure you’re reuniting for the right reasons
Before you and your ex give Your Relationship, Part Two the green light, you’ll want to double check your intentions. Are you interested in getting back together because you love, respect, and genuinely want to make the relationship work, or are you simply lonely, confused, scared, or, worse, you just don’t like the dating prospects you’ve met so far as a savvy single? Worse still, have you discovered that your ex is moving on before you are and instead of letting them go, you now want to hold on for dear life? Before you make a hasty decision the two of you could live to regret, it’s essential that you both identify your reasons for reuniting. Do NOT reunite out of fear, scarcity, or loneliness. Those are natural reactions to a breakup. They are NOT signs you should get back together with your ex, nor are they signs that your ex was The One. Both of you need to believe that the relationship is worth salvaging and that you can make it work. Then – and only then – should you resuscitate your relationship.
2. Understand the odds against you
After the breakup, you may have put your ex on a pedestal, remembering the relationship through rose colored glasses. If you’ve got reuniting on your mind, you should know that the odds are stacked against you. After all, your relationship probably ended for a good reason. Reuniting won’t automatically fix what was wrong in the first place. The reality is, there were issues, problems, and traits your ex possessed that probably drove you nuts. Right about now, you may be in denial about that. But rest assured, once you reunite, those frustrations, annoyances, and/or challenges will come rushing back. And unless you and your ex find new approaches to dealing with old habits and patterns, you could easily end up exactly where you left off — at each other’s throats and ultimately broken up. Having said that, just because the odds aren’t in your favor does not mean you shouldn’t give the relationship another chance. You just need to be aware of the challenges involved — and the odds of success — in reviving a once-dead relationship.
3. Be willing to leave the past behind
Regardless of why you broke up in the past, if you and your ex intend to reunite, you’ve both got to be willing to leave the past behind. That doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting the past, but forgiving is essential. Otherwise, you’re doomed to relationship failure. If somebody cheated, lied, and/or betrayed the other one in any way, both partners have to be willing to forgive and make a fresh start. It’s the only way to make your second chance successful. Before you give the relationship another go, you need to have an honest and open conversation about whether or not the two of you can forgive one another. It may not be a fun conversation, but it’s an essential one to your future relationship success.
4. It takes two to tango (and make it work)
If you’ve assessed the reasons why you want to reunite, have weighed the odds against you, and still want to get back together, you need to make sure your ex is on the same page. This may be a difficult discussion to broach, but it’s a necessary one if you want to have a future together. After all, it takes two to tango, and both partners have to be equally committed to the dance. You won’t know until you sit down and have that honest and open conversation. You may not like the outcome, as the two of you may not see eye to eye about your future together. But it’s better to address the issues now and go your separate ways, than reunite and get your heart broken all over again.
Reviving a relationship with your ex can be tricky, but it’s not impossible. You both need to be equally committed, willing to forgive, and able to reconnect from a place of love and respect. While the odds may seem stacked against you, if you give it your best efforts, you may enjoy a healthier and happier relationship the second time around.
When in doubt, grab a copy of my breakup survival guides It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
And share YOUR stories of how reconnecting with your ex did or didn’t work out.
Breakup Tip of the Week: How to survive the holidays
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on July 29, 2010 - 7:20 am
Back by popular demand…my weekly breakup rx video tips! I’m pulling these out of the archive so you can rock your heartbreak recovery.
Breakup blues got you down? Hung up on how to handle the upcoming holidays solo? Your survival strategy may be to change your plans…
Good luck and happy healing!
The Force Wasn’t With Us
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 22, 2010 - 6:31 am
Here’s another one from The Breakup Chronicles archives. Enjoy!
I knew early into the relationship that he was an addict. Although in his circle, they called themselves collectors. Addict, collector, fanatic. Call it what you will. But in my book, anyone who camps outside overnight to see a movie needs help. We met at a party. One of my first since returning to Los Angeles after the breakup in Arizona. I was not looking for love. I didn’t even want to be at the party. But friends had dragged me, so there I was. Through the course of the night, I met his roommates, his friends, and then on my way out the door, I met him. And I just knew. As I walked down the block, I bitched to my friends that the short Hispanic ones always like me.
In the coming months, we’d get together for dinner regularly. His roommates and him, my roommate and me. We became a platonic dinner club, sharing a love of good food, movies, and laughter. And over time, I began to think I would have been lucky had he liked me. He was a good guy. Sweet, funny, sincere. So when he asked me to go out just the two of us six months into our friendship, I agreed. And thus, the beginning of the affair. He was a good man. And I needed someone nice. Which is why I looked past the wall of Star Wars action figures the first time I saw his bedroom. I reasoned with myself, we had a good time, didn’t we? It didn’t matter if he spent all his money on action figures instead of treating me to dinner, right? Maybe nice guys don’t pay for dinner. I could live with that.
But it wasn’t just action figures I was competing with. It was the memory of his ex-wife leaving him, the fact that his college glory days were behind him, his laziness towards his career while mine was just taking off. These were the strikes against us. In the three years we were together, we had many good times. But I knew it wouldn’t last. While other female friends in shorter relationships got engaged and then married, we told each other we didn’t want to ruin what we had by walking down the aisle. The truth was, I didn’t want to marry him. And he was too burned to want to marry again.
Two and a half years into our relationship, we decided to move in together. It was a great apartment. Big kitchen, second bedroom to be used as an office. Killer living space. And it was all decorated with Star Wars stuff. In his defense, I traveled light, and didn’t have much to contribute to the household. Still, being surrounded by memorabilia was like living in a wacky museum. And it wasn’t just the decor. Instead of the two of us coming together to form one cohesive life, it was like two roommates cohabitating in the same space. I’d get home from work, he’d be playing video games. I’d go in the office to write, he’d eventually come in to check on his eBay bids. I’d go watch T.V. He’d play computer games. I’d go to bed. He’d come hours later after I was fast asleep.
We squabbled over the chores. If he had to do laundry more than once in a row, he pouted. I was constantly feeding the cats and scooping the litter box and going to the grocery store alone. The big excitement in our lives? Going to Toys R Us in search of new action figures. Seeing Episode One on opening night. And the following week. And then in Digital. It was an okay life. There was nothing particularly wrong. But nothing particularly right either. I began asking myself, when does today become forever? And if this is forever, can I live with that? More and more often, the answer was no.
And then one day I was done. I can’t explain it any better than that. We were coming up on our three year anniversary and I didn’t feel like celebrating. We were fighting more and more, and the arguments were getting heated. I realized I wanted more than he could give. And whenever I tried to talk to him about it, he’d brush me off with “We’ll talk about it later.”
But later wasn’t cutting it. And so one day when I came home from work, I asked him to turn off the video game. We sat down and talked. And cried. And talked some more. I moved out the next day. I felt bad leaving him, knowing he’d already been down that road with his ex-wife. But if he didn’t change, he’d go down that road again. And that wasn’t my problem. Those were his battles to face. Moving on was easier than I thought. There were sad times, but I never looked back. I knew I’d done the right thing. Since then, I hear he’s gotten way more into his collection. I guess unlike women, those action figures will never leave him. I hope for his sake they’re insured.
As for me, I now live in a condo with a wall of dolls. Okay, maybe he rubbed off on me. But in a good way. While they bring me joy, they’ll never become my life. Or my love. I reserve those feelings for an individual with a life force of his own. And hopefully the force will be with us.
Breaking Up Your Finances: How to Untangle Your Lives After Heartbreak
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 21, 2010 - 7:00 am
Breakups aren’t just about the end of a romantic pairing. There are numerous financial, legal, and business decisions that may need to be addressed. If you and your ex share bank accounts or other assets, you’ll need to come to an agreement about how to divide the money/other assets and then contact the relevant banking/other institution(s) to find out how to legally proceed. Again, it’s important to keep a level head about these things and not act out of anger, spite, or bitterness. These are financial decisions. Respect yourself as well as your ex, and be fair throughout the process (no matter how much you want to punch him in the face!).
You may also need to identify others ways your lives became intertwined. Car insurance, health insurance, retirement plans, credit cards, personal loans, household bills, etc. These are all potential accounts and/or policies that you and your ex may currently share. When you breakup, it’s essential that you remove the other person from each and every one of these items. If you don’t, one or more of the following scenarios could come back to haunt you in the future:
- You get turned down for a home or car loan because your ex, still attached to an account you shared while you were together, negatively affected your credit.
- Because you never removed your name (or your ex’s) from an account, a collection agency comes after you for a debt your ex never paid.
- By not taking your ex off your health insurance policy, you become financially responsible (and ultimately financially drained) for a medical emergency they encounter weeks, months, years down the road.
- If you die in an accident and haven’t changed the beneficiary on your assets (your home, retirement plan, savings account), your ex can possibly claim those assets, leaving a rightful heir with nothing.
As uncomfortable as conversations about money, property, and other assets can be when going through a breakup, you must have these difficult discussions if they apply to you and your ex’s situation. Do your best to broach the subject with fairness and compassion, and insist that your ex does the same. Obviously, the situation becomes stickier if and when one of you uses the unresolved issues as a way to seek revenge, hold on to the other person, or prolong the separation process. If you feel that things are getting out of control, you may need to involve a mediator. Trust your gut about the situation and proceed with the necessary caution.
Need help navigating the tricky terrain of breakups and money? Pick up copies of my books
It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
And leave a comment about how you’re handling the splitting of assets with your ex.
Bouncing Back from a Breakup
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 18, 2010 - 6:55 am
I recently stumbled across this in The Breakup Chronicles archive. It’s one of the first stories I wrote when the idea for The Breakup Chronicles first came to me…
You want to know what I do to get over a nasty breakup? I take a trip. Travel abroad. I’ve racked up so many frequent flyer miles at this point, I could go to the moon and back. And that’s okay. Because I haven’t met The One yet. And rather than settle, I go for the breakup. And then I go far, far away. I cry, I sightsee, I fall in love. With myself, that is. Breakups take their toll on our self esteem. But the truth is, I’m all I’ve got. And rather than beat myself up over the end of a relationship, I cherish the fact that I probably learned something along the way.
With my college crush, I learned to make great ravioli from his mother’s recipe. With the bodybuilder, I learned that I actually liked to workout. With the Star Wars fanatic, I realized that nice guys really do exist. With the 22 year-old, I discovered how exciting I could be to another person. And with The One Who Rocked My World, I learned that unconditional love feels unbelievably amazing.
With each new relationship and subsequent breakup, I discover a little bit more about who I really am and what I want out of life. And that’s the girl I fall in love with every time I travel. The fun-loving, creative, adventure-seeking gal who goes to the Greek Islands in hopes of mending her broken heart, who discovers a sense of connection with the universe in the rhythmic lapping of the Mediterranean sea on the shore, and who delights in how the sun dances off the white-washed buildings in the afternoon. She’s also the spontaneously sassy chick who spends six weeks of her summer in Montana; hiking, writing, and going to a rodeo for the first time in decades. If it weren’t for the breakup, she’d never discover these simple pleasures.
One day I hope to travel with my husband. He’ll be handsome and witty and cultured and totally not neurotic. And he’ll love me for being unconventional, passionate, and a little bit nuts. But in the meantime, I’m not waiting for him to live out my dreams. I’m living them out every day on my own. So when he finally does come along, and his front tooth is crooked, or his spelling sucks, or he’s shorter than I’d imagined, I’ll know that’s okay. Because I haven’t been waiting for my life to begin until Mr. Perfect arrives. I’m just looking for someone who’s brave and bold, ordinary and extraordinary enough to join me on the journey. After all, that’s what life’s about. The journey. The messy, imperfect, magnificent, and virtually invent-able journey. And what would that be without a little heartache here and there to let you know you’re really alive and kicking?
Postscript: I love this story because it illustrates the importance of moving on after a breakup, even in the face of doubt and despair. I also love this story because somehow that last paragraph perfectly describes my husband!
