After the Breakup: Facing Your Fear Factor
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on November 30, 2010 - 7:54 am
Are you facing the holiday season suddenly single? Did your breakup throw you for a loop? Are you struggling to figure out how to pick up the pieces and move on as the new year approaches?
When healing from a breakup and trying to move on, it’s only natural to be afraid to leave behind your old life, however painful, for a new life you know so little about. But what if instead of looking at your new life as unknown and scary, you see it as exciting, full of possibility, and with the opportunity to experience love, happiness, and fulfillment beyond your wildest dreams? What if the unknown future is more joyful, more satisfying, more amazing than your painful past? The truth is, I know your future holds all of those things. But in order for you to achieve it, YOU need to believe it. First, you may need to let go of your future-based fears.
See which of the fears below resonate most with you. By identifying where you’re stuck, you take the first step to healing and moving on.
Fear #1: Fear of Making a Mistake
What if you were to leap away from the life you’ve known and the ex you may still love, only to regret your decision? What if your new life was more miserable than the old one? Or worse, what if you took a flying leap away from your comfort zone and instead of landing on solid ground, you crashed and burned? The truth is, fear of failure can be powerfully paralyzing. If you let them, the what if’s can keep you stuck in your old life that no longer works — FOREVER.
Can I let you in on a little secret? The only mistake you can make at this point in your recovery is to stay stuck. Whether you know it or not, you’ve already taken a huge leap. The breakup happened. You’re still here. You’re well on your way to surviving and thriving. As the saying goes, feel the fear and do it (a.k.a. leap) anyway!
Fear #2: Fear of the Unknown
What will it be like over there? What if I don’t like it? These are common questions when you’re stuck in your fear of the unknown. But guess what? Whether you did the dumping or got dumped, your past no longer works for you. And your present probably feels an awful lot like limbo, a.k.a. being stuck. The only person who gets hurt in this scenario is you. Everyone else, including your ex, is leaping into their blissful futures. Why not feel the fear, take the leap, and join your friends on the other side? You deserve to move on. And I promise you, you will survive and thrive!
Fear #3: Fear of Leaving Your Old Life Behind
Regardless of how happy or unsatisfied you were with your ex, there was probably comfort in knowing what your immediate future looked like. You most likely knew who you had plans with on Friday and Saturday nights, where you were going for the holidays, and who you could count on in a crisis. And now I’m asking you to leave all that behind for a life you know nothing about? You better believe it! As scary as it sounds, it’s the only sane option. Which means that it would be insane to stay stuck.
Let me repeat that. Staying stuck in your old life and old ways is actually kind of insane. After all, that old life doesn’t actually exist anymore. And staying stuck in the past doesn’t honor the amazing individual you are right now and continue to become, thanks to the breakup. Leaping into your bright and beautiful future is the only sane option available at the moment. But before you leap, you may need to dump any excess emotional baggage, ties to your ex, and/or any old behavior and attitudes that no longer work for you. Think of it this way — you now have permission to not only let go of what no longer works in your life, but to reinvent yourself as well. Go for it!
Fear #4: Fear of Losing Control
There’s a little control freak in all of us (maybe even a big one!). And thanks to the breakup, your control freak is probably freaking out right about now. What about all those plans we had with the ex? What happened to our day-to-day routine? This isn’t control. This is chaos! To put it bluntly, your control freak does NOT want to embrace any more change right now, which means that letting go and leaping are out of the question. But guess what? Change is a natural part of life. Losing control happens from time to time. Going through a breakup forces you to lose control AND face your fears about change and the future. Now’s the time to face those fears and release them so that you’re able to let go and leap. I promise you this. You will not fall to your death. Instead, you are going to soar high in the sky — higher than you probably ever dreamed possible! But first, you gotta lose some of that control.
In reviewing the four reasons you might be feeling fearful about your future, were you able to identify which fear(s) currently hold you back? Regardless of which one resonated most with you, it IS possible to release all your fears and take flight. To put it another way, why wait? What else has to happen before you take that leap? Do you need to:
- Sink further into your post-breakup funk?
- Drive all your friends away with your obsessive rants about your ex?
- Get a (GULP) marriage announcement in the mail from your ex, a clear sign he’s moved on while you’re still stuck?
Why not give yourself permission to let go and leap today? Aren’t you worth it? I think so. But what’s really important is that you think so. Yes, change is scary. Yes, old habits die hard. But what’s harder and scarier is holding on to a past that no longer works, a past that has already moved on without you. And whether you know it or not, it has.
Starting today, let go of your fears moment by moment. Before you know it, you’ll be free to move into your brilliant future.
For hands on help getting through your breakup, get your copy of my book It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good!
You can also find comfort in other people’s breakup stories, courtesy of The Breakup Chronicles archive, AND get all the breakup rx advice you’ll need on my blog.
This Holiday Season, Become Your Own Arm Candy
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on November 28, 2010 - 7:00 am
Are you looking at the calendar and dreading the holiday social scene because you hate being minus a plus one at parties?
I get it.
But before you throw in the towel, hide under the covers, and mope until New Year’s, I’ve got a better idea…
Become your own arm candy!
You heard me.
Celebrate your fab single self so that when you walk into your next holiday party, you’re not announcing your breakup by suddenly being a minus plus one. Instead, you’re struting your stuff into that party like you own the room and are the most fabulous single woman there!
This may take some practice to cultivate if you are struggling with your self esteem these days.
Here are some practical tips to help you celebrate your fab single self :
- Get a new do’
- Get new makeup and a makeover
- Get a new wardrobe
Before each party, put on your fave fun girl music. Dance around the house. Put it on the car and rock out on your way to the party.
When you arrive, make your saucy entrance. Work the room. Laugh, have fun, and enjoy the party!
The goal here is not to make a love connection (although if that happens, great!). It’s to reconnect to your fabulous factor, heal your heart, and move on by New Years Eve.
For added support, pick up a copy of It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him and immerse yourself in your very own 21 day recovery program.
You can also follow all my breakup rx advice and single and loving it advice for free on my blog.
Tis the Season to…Celebrate Your Holiday Slump!
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on November 26, 2010 - 7:00 am
With the holidays here, I’ve been giving you tips to help celebrate your single status so you’re not walking around feeling sad, depressed, and mopey.
But let’s be real. Sometimes a girl’s gotta feel sad, depressed and mopey.
Still go ahead – celebrate your slump this holiday season!
Give yourself permission to feel down, disappointed, and lost when the mood strikes you.
Give yourself permission to decline an invitation or two, If you’re not feeling up to being social. Sit on your couch, put on your sweats, watch a sappy movie, listen to tear jerking music, write in your journal, and/or read a good book.
Let yourself feel that slump and grieve.
Let yourself get mad, depressed, and feel every emotion you need to feel! You can’t really move through a breakup until you’ve experienced the 5 stages of grief.
While I don’t want you to live in your slump or spend the entire holiday season moping around, give yourself permission, when the mood strikes, to go to that dark place as long as you have an exit strategy.
For more tips on how to celebrate being single and ready to mingle this holiday season and into 2011, enroll in my 30 Day Get Out There Challenge for Singles.
You can also pick up one of my 3 books, depending on where you are on the journey way from Mr. Wrong and towards Mr. Right:
It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good!
If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right
Minus A Plus One This Holiday Season? Splurge on Yourself?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on November 25, 2010 - 7:00 am
Here’s another great way to celebrate your single status this holiday season. With no expensive gifts to buy for your ex, you can splurge on yourself!
Maybe in the past you splurged a little to much on your ex during the holidays.
Maybe you stuffed his stocking, put a lot of presents under the tree, or bought the electronics you knew he would love.
Guess what? You don’t have to do that this holiday season. That is a HUGE savings on your budget.
And here’s what I want you to do with that cash. I want you to stash it away for something fun next year.
Maybe you put it away for that solo vacation you’ve been dreaming of, that home you want to buy, continuing your education or working with a coach. Or maybe you just want to do something fun and fabulous that in the past you’ve only dreamed of.
START DREAMING BIG!
Instead of overindulging this holiday season, be sure to celebrate your single self and set aside some cash for next year so you can have some fun and step into your fabulous future!
Ready to heal your heart by new years eve? Pick up a copy of It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good!
How to get your ex back
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on November 22, 2010 - 7:00 am
Be honest…
As the holidays approach are you:
- Thinking about going back to your ex?
- Considering forgiving past betrayals, past lies, past deceits, past disappointments, past cheating, because you are afraid of being single and alone?
Don’t do it!
Just because you’re alone doesn’t mean you will be alone forever.
Don’t be fooled into thinking you have to accept less than you deserve from someone in your past because your future relationship hasn’t showed up yet. When someone lies or betrays you, they are showing you a lack of character and also a lack of love and respect for you.
So rather than forgive them and continue moving into a relationship with them, take a step back and ask yourself what you truly deserve.
You don’t have to make it work with somebody because you have a history together.
You also don’t have to make it work with somebody because they were the love of your life.
Sometimes relationships end. Give yourself permission to walk away and move on. You can heal your heart by the holidays but you must stop going backwards. You must stop reconnecting to your ex. Instead, you must do something different to get a different result.
Starting today!
For more tips on how to get over your ex and move on by the new year, enroll in my 30 Day Get Out There Challenge for Singles.
You can also pick up one of my 3 books, depending on where you are on the journey way from Mr. Wrong and towards Mr. Right:
It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good!
If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right
Can you really be friends with your ex?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on November 20, 2010 - 6:00 am
Can we be friends?
After a breakup, this simple question can weigh heavy on your mind. As a heartbreak reinvention coach, I often hear this question from clients. And my answer is always the same — no. Why? Because as hard as it may be to accept, your relationship is over. This person is now your ex. The relationship ended for a reason. It’s now time to EXtract your ex from your life, give yourself time to heal, and find the space to move on. Most people who try to stay friends with their ex are just doing so in hopes of either rekindling the relationship or using the other person as a crutch until someone better comes along. What happens when it’s the other person who moves on first? Ouch!
Of course, there are certain circumstances in which you can’t avoid maintaining a relationship with your ex, but for now, the following is a cheat sheet on appropriate ways of communicating with your ex after the Big Breakup.
By Phone
The reasons for talking to your ex on the phone are…wait. There are none. Delete his number from your cell phone. And if he leaves you a message, listen to it only once in case your million-dollar check from Publishers Clearing House somehow ended up at his address. Then delete immediately and move on.
Via Email, IM, Text Messaging, Facebook
After you’ve arranged to return each other’s stuff, delete your ex from your email address book, your Facebook friends, and your instant messaging contacts. That way when you’re having a fragile moment at three A.M., you’re not tempted to contact him. (The repercussions the following day can be both embarrassing and costly to your recovery). And if you were hoping to keep tabs on your ex by tracking his every online move or possible new dating adventures via his Tweets? Don’t do it. It’ll just make you wonder who he’s talking to (or obsess about those girls who keep leaving him flirty @ replies), and you don’t need that. Delete him from all of your social networking sites immediately.
In Person
And because there are just too many emotions swirling around in your post-breakup head, you should avoid seeing your ex in person at all costs. If you see your ex too soon, you run the risk of suffering potentially bad consequences, like maybe these including any or all of the following:…
1. Losing face by crying hysterically
2. Waking up beside him the next morning and realizing you just had sex with your ex
3. Getting arrested for assault and battery
Let’s face it. None of these situations are is ideal. So if you can, avoid seeing your ex until your emotions are more stable. Only you can determine when that will be (and it’s okay to say never!).
Breaking up is never easy. And staying connected to your ex only makes it more challenging. By following the ex etiquette I’ve outlined above, you accelerate your healing heart and guarantee a happier ending in your future.
Have you stayed friends with your ex? Share your experience by leaving a comment.
And to fully exorcise your ex, start reading It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good!, or embark on your 21 day ex b.f. detox with the workbook It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
How to handle the post-breakup game of 20 questions
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on November 14, 2010 - 7:33 am
After a breakup, you may find yourself inundated with questions, concerns, and issues from friends, family, and in-laws including:
“What went wrong?”
“Why did you leave?”
“Can’t you work it out?”
Instead of feeling the need to explain yourself, put healthy boundaries in place. Honor what’s best for YOU. Don’t worry about how others are handling the breakup. This is your chance to heal and move on. Don’t buy into guilt trips or 20 questions.
And when necessary, give yourself permission to say, “It’s really none of your business.”
For more tips on how to heal your heart in record time, check out all my FREE breakup rx tips on my blog.
You can also pick up one of my 3 books, depending on where you are on the journey way from Mr. Wrong and towards Mr. Right:
It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good!
If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right
Tis the Season to Celebrate the Love IN Your Life!
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on November 11, 2010 - 8:33 am
If you’re going through a breakup or struggling to heal your heart this time of year, you know how challenging that can be…
You walk through a store and see and all the holiday wrapping and decorations everywhere.
You start worrying that you won’t heal your heart by the holidays.
You start obsessing about your ex, what went wrong, and where he is now.
You also start to feel lonely, isolated, and lacking in the love department.
Don’t go there!
Instead of focusing on what’s missing, a.k.a your ex, I want you to put your focus on the love IN your life, i.e. your friends, family, and furry friends. Anyone in your environment who supports and nurtures you deserves to be celebrated.
The key to surviving and thriving after a breakup during the holiday season is to recreate your support system. Celebrate love that is still here. And slowly but surely let go of your ex.
When in doubt, pick up a copy of It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him and immerse yourself in your very own 21 day recovery program.
And report your successes and setbacks to me on my Facebook Fan Page.
Ready to move on and become a man magnet in 2011? Enroll in my 30 Day Get Out There Challenge for Singles.
What if Mr. Right got away?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on November 9, 2010 - 7:00 am
Worried that Mr. Right got away?
Convinced there is no upside to your breakup?
Think I’m full of crap when I say breaking up was the right thing to do?
That’s okay.
While you may not see it yet, there IS an upside to any breakup. Maybe it’s too soon to see yours. Maybe you don’t want to believe it yet.
The sooner you break free from your belief that true love will never again be yours, the sooner you can heal your heart and move on. You may have to trust me on this one. 
Share your thoughts on this topic here on the blog or on my Facebook Fan Page.
For help letting go of Mr. Wrong and making room for Mr. Right, pick up one of my 3 books, depending on where you are on the journey way from Mr. Wrong and towards Mr. Right:
It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good!
If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right
The Breakup Chronicles: When Love Gone Wrong Leads to Lessons Learned
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on November 5, 2010 - 7:05 am
Here’s another story I pulled out of The Breakup Chronicles archives. Enjoy!
I take the cake. I went from one heart break into another!
When I met the first Mr. Ex, I was in a relationship but fell so deeply in love that I had to break it off. As is usual, everything was wonderful. And then he started to stray. For five years I stayed with him, through affairs, disrespect,t baby mama drama. Finally, it was the day that I saw him kissing another woman who was dropping him off to work. Yes, we worked together, that I finally realized that I had to get a hold of myself. I broke it off, and told myself that I would never fall victim to another man’s stories again.
After 10 months of the single life, I met the new Mr. Ex. He seemed to be all that I dreamed of – witty, articulate, and kind. We fell in love and soon enough, started living together. That’s where the trouble started. Since it was really my house, he said that he felt at a disadvantage. Then, he started hanging out with his buddies, and would come home at all hours. Then I discovered his addiction to porn. Things were starting to unravel. The worst was when he told me that he had lost the ‘spark’ in the relationship. Still he remained in my home, sleeping in my bed every night, and barely talking to me. On New Year’s Eve I walked into the house to find all his things gone. He had moved out without a word.
A month later, he called to ask me out on a date. Fool that I was, I went. Of course, we started up again. But this time he treated me like somewhere to go, when he had nowhere to go. He would be in my house almost every weekend, and I would cook and take care of him, do his laundry, almost as if we were still together. Meanwhile, he is saying that it was a ‘transitional’ period, and he was not sure how he felt. In short, he was getting all the milk he could drink, without having to purchase the cow.
One Sunday he remained all day without taking a bath, smelling all funky, and looking like a slob, and by evening I found myself just hoping that he would go. The next morning he left, and I haven’t seen him since. Oh he still calls, but now I answer the phone only when I feel like it. He’s asked me out since, but I turn him down. What helped me to make the change, is when I asked myself Why am I doing this? I realized that as hard as it seemed, in order to save me, I had to let him go. And so I did.
There are people who come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Mr. Ex taught me that I had to fall in love with myself first, before I could fall in love with someone else. It was a lesson well learned.
What’s YOUR breakup story? Post your comments here.
Want help healing your heart? Pick up your copy of It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good!
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