I admit it. Before I married The Hubs, I was notorious for falling for wildly inappropriate men based on wildly inappropriate reasons. This explains why I pendulum dated throughout my late teens, 20s, and into my early 30s, vacillating from one extreme to the next. From the asshole bodybuilder to the nerdy Star Wars fanatic to the pothead with money problems to the boy toy with the cool car to the kinky magician who couldn’t commit to… you get the picture.
The truth is I’m not alone. And it got me thinking…
Do women fall for men who are wildly wrong for us out of habit… or because we’re making decisions with the wrong body part?
With my Big Breakup that I wrote about in my first book It’s A Breakup, Not A Breakdown, I fell head over heels in love with an addict with major money problems. I knew this up front and yet I fell anyway. At the time, I acted like I was powerless against some unseen force. Like I didn’t have a choice in loving him.
But I did.
We ALWAYS have a choice in who we give our heart away to.
But here’s the thing.
I wasn’t choosing with my head. I wasn’t even choosing with my heart.
I was choosing first with my vagina. (Rut-roh!)
Mr. Ex was tall, lanky, sexy, funny. One of those life of the party types I’d wanted to date in college and never did. Never mind that I was 30 and ready to settle down while he was 25 and acting like a frat rat.
The sex was great. But outside the bedroom? Train wreck city.
Mr. Ex and I dated and broke up so many times I lost count. Again, he wasn’t the first guy I’d jumped into a relationship with who was wildly inappropriate. He also wasn’t the first man I’d decided to commit to with the wrong body part. My vajayjay was notorious for picking men who rocked my world but made my world rocky.
If you’re letting your vagina lead you into relationships, 99% of the time you will be disappointed. After the hot and heavy sex haze wears off, you’ll wake up, put on your clothes and realize you let your nether regions make an important decision it was never equipped to make.
Same goes for your heart.
Your heart leads you to rescue abandoned puppies. It also makes you eat an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s in an emotional fit when you’re trying to lose those last ten pounds. It also tells you that the lovable loser who has SO. MUCH. POTENTIAL. and is giving you those puppy dog eyes will make a great husband.
Your heart is great at loving. It’s not to great at choosing WHO to love.
Now your head, on the other hand…
Your head knows what’s best for you. Your head’s most likely screwed on straight. Your head is aligned with your goals, life vision, wants, needs, and relationship requirements.
Your head can make an excellent judge of the men you date and wisely choose the right partner for relationship success.
Once I got my head together and broke up with my addiction to bad love, my head led me to my husband.
I’ll be honest. Had my vagina been making the decisions, I would have overlooked this short, cute, NICE guy.
What a shame that would have been.
Had my heart been in charge, I might have mistaken the lack of emotional turmoil as a sign there wasn’t any chemistry.
Again, a low down dirty shame!
But because my head was clear about how I wanted love to look and feel, and I’d ditched my beliefs that I was too old, fat, screwed up to find love, when I met The Hubs, I allowed my head to give my heart – and eventually my vajayjay – the green light.
So how can you tell which body part’s falling in love first? Keep reading.
Signs Your Vajayjay’s Doing The Falling
He’s a great kisser. A single touch sends shivers up your spine. And… you know very little else about the guy you’re dating.
Sure, you may know what he does for a living. Or what kind of car he drives. Or even what part of town he lives in and where he went to college.
But if you deeply desire connection and compatibility, you can’t let your chemistry run the beginning of your dating life.
Think about it. How many times have you let a great kisser slide between your sheets – while overlooking his rudeness towards waiters, his constant checking of his phone while you’re with him, even his wandering eye? (And how did that work out for you?)
Don’t let your desire to know someone Biblically trump your deeper desire for lasting love.
If you’ve chosen to put blinders on while letting your vajayjay run your love life, stop. Take a breath. And put your lady parts on pause. There’s a better body part that can make a better decision – one that won’t lead to heart break but CAN lead to rug burns (in due time).
Signs Your Heart’s Doing The Falling
He’s sweet, funny, charming, and… perfect for you. If only…
If only he wasn’t emotionally unavailable.
If only he wasn’t eyeball deep in debt with no plans to fix his finances.
If only he wanted to commit.
If only… FILL IN THE BLANK.
Repeat after me. A guy’s potential isn’t what makes him a great partner. Who he is right now, in this very moment, is the best indicator of long term compatibility and relationship happiness. Of course, everyone grows, changes, evolves. But if you find yourself perpetually falling for lost causes, men with Peter Pan Syndrome, ones who can’t commit, who can’t be counted on, who can’t be FILL IN THE BLANK, it’s time to have a Heart To Heart with your heart. And to acknowledge that leading with your big heart has often led you to bigger heartbreak.
Signs You’re Falling In Love With Your Head
What I’m about to say isn’t very sexy. AND it may just save your love life. Here goes. Letting your mind manifest Mr. Right is the key to your successful love future. Choosing who you date based on compatibility, common goals, easy communication, a lack of drama, and a mutual desire for a meaningful, monogamous relationship – this is the stuff of happy endings. And… when you build emotional intimacy before physical intimacy, by the time you slide between the sheets, your mind, heart, AND vajayjay will be falling in love together.