Reconnect with the Ex? What You Need To Know Before You Give It Another Go
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on August 4, 2010 - 7:00 am
After a relationship ends, it’s all too easy to second-guess the decision to split up. And while reconsidering doesn’t necessarily mean you should reunite, what happens if you and your ex DO decide you’d like to give the relationship another go? Maybe the time away from one another has shown you the error of your ways. Perhaps you’ve each had time to assess what went wrong and are now committed to a fresh start. Before you make the decision to reunite, review the following important factors. And revisit the benefits of bouncing back after a breakup.
1. Make sure you’re reuniting for the right reasons
Before you and your ex give Your Relationship, Part Two the green light, you’ll want to double check your intentions. Are you interested in getting back together because you love, respect, and genuinely want to make the relationship work, or are you simply lonely, confused, scared, or, worse, you just don’t like the dating prospects you’ve met so far as a savvy single? Worse still, have you discovered that your ex is moving on before you are and instead of letting them go, you now want to hold on for dear life? Before you make a hasty decision the two of you could live to regret, it’s essential that you both identify your reasons for reuniting. Do NOT reunite out of fear, scarcity, or loneliness. Those are natural reactions to a breakup. They are NOT signs you should get back together with your ex, nor are they signs that your ex was The One. Both of you need to believe that the relationship is worth salvaging and that you can make it work. Then – and only then – should you resuscitate your relationship.
2. Understand the odds against you
After the breakup, you may have put your ex on a pedestal, remembering the relationship through rose colored glasses. If you’ve got reuniting on your mind, you should know that the odds are stacked against you. After all, your relationship probably ended for a good reason. Reuniting won’t automatically fix what was wrong in the first place. The reality is, there were issues, problems, and traits your ex possessed that probably drove you nuts. Right about now, you may be in denial about that. But rest assured, once you reunite, those frustrations, annoyances, and/or challenges will come rushing back. And unless you and your ex find new approaches to dealing with old habits and patterns, you could easily end up exactly where you left off — at each other’s throats and ultimately broken up. Having said that, just because the odds aren’t in your favor does not mean you shouldn’t give the relationship another chance. You just need to be aware of the challenges involved — and the odds of success — in reviving a once-dead relationship.
3. Be willing to leave the past behind
Regardless of why you broke up in the past, if you and your ex intend to reunite, you’ve both got to be willing to leave the past behind. That doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting the past, but forgiving is essential. Otherwise, you’re doomed to relationship failure. If somebody cheated, lied, and/or betrayed the other one in any way, both partners have to be willing to forgive and make a fresh start. It’s the only way to make your second chance successful. Before you give the relationship another go, you need to have an honest and open conversation about whether or not the two of you can forgive one another. It may not be a fun conversation, but it’s an essential one to your future relationship success.
4. It takes two to tango (and make it work)
If you’ve assessed the reasons why you want to reunite, have weighed the odds against you, and still want to get back together, you need to make sure your ex is on the same page. This may be a difficult discussion to broach, but it’s a necessary one if you want to have a future together. After all, it takes two to tango, and both partners have to be equally committed to the dance. You won’t know until you sit down and have that honest and open conversation. You may not like the outcome, as the two of you may not see eye to eye about your future together. But it’s better to address the issues now and go your separate ways, than reunite and get your heart broken all over again.
Reviving a relationship with your ex can be tricky, but it’s not impossible. You both need to be equally committed, willing to forgive, and able to reconnect from a place of love and respect. While the odds may seem stacked against you, if you give it your best efforts, you may enjoy a healthier and happier relationship the second time around.
When in doubt, grab a copy of my breakup survival guides It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
And share YOUR stories of how reconnecting with your ex did or didn’t work out.
Signs you’re hung up on “What could have been”
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on August 3, 2010 - 7:36 am
Last week, I announced that I was going to start sharing valuable tips and tools so you could let go of Mr. Wrong and do what it takes to find Mr. Right.
To be honest, I see way too many beautiful, smart, successful women getting and staying hung up on a guy who’s not good for them. And while the occasional run in with Mr. Wrong is normal during a single gal’s journey, getting stuck in a bad relationship or in a never ending loop of loving one Mr. Wrong after another can lead to massive heartbreak, disappointment, loss, and serious financial and emotional debt.
Trust me, I’ve been there.
And I’ve worked with enough women who are starting over yet again after Mr. Wrong wronged them that I want to help you change your fate.
Over the next 3 weeks, I’ll share top 5 traps I see women get stuck in. I’ll also share how you can get un-stuck from these traps so you can find out what it takes to meet Mr. Right.
Even if you’re not quite ready to manifest Mr. Right, you can take at least 1 step today to let go of your love for Mr. Wrong and/or your addiction to bad love.
First, I need you to be honest.
Do you think your ex was The One?
Are you paralyzed by the fear that you don’t have what it takes to get love right?
Do you spend countless nights lying awake, obsessing about how much time you’ve wasted in relationship after relationship that just never worked out?
I get it. I’ve been there. And as someone who once got love wrong every time until she woke up, wised up, and discovered what it takes to find Mr. Right, I want to share with you how being hung up on “What could have been” is sabotaging your chances of finding love.
If you’re haunted by the disappointment you feel at what your future could have looked like but never quite materialized, STOP.
You’re not alone. I’ve been there. And so have so many other smart, successful, amazing women just like you.
As women, we’re biologically and socially wired to want certain things: a home, someone to love, possibly a family. When a relationship ends, it’s like a part of our soul dies. The disappointment in ourselves and our inability to make love work can stifle any hopes of letting go and moving on to a more hopeful future.
But guess what?
It’s time to turn down the volume on that pain and disappointment.
It’s time to accept that for whatever reason, things didn’t work out with Mr. Wrong. You did your very best. In fact, I know you did more than your share to ensure relationship success. You don’t have to know why the relationship ended in order to move on. But you do have to give yourself permission to stop looking over your shoulder, stop obsessing about “What could’ve been,” and instead reacquaint yourself with your present circumstances, freeing yourself up to walk step by step into that magnificent future.
Today, I invite you to ask yourself: How am I hung up on “What could have been?”
And then, give yourself permission to let go of your fantasies about the past and step into the reality that Mr. Wrong wasn’t The One. You are not a failure at love. There’s STILL time for you to get love right.
You just have to get un-stuck first.
Can you see how being stuck in the trap of “What could have been” is holding you back? If so, give yourself permission to set yourself free and move on.
Stay tuned for more tips on how to set yourself free from dating drama and disappointment.
If you’re ready to do what it takes to find Mr. Right, enroll in my FREE 30 Day Get Out There Challenge.
And be sure to pick up my man-ifesto for meeting Mr. Right: If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right, available on Amazon and in bookstores.
For added support, join my Facebook Fan page here:
http://www.facebook.com/LisaSteadmanFans
Breakup Tip of the Week: How to survive the holidays
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on July 29, 2010 - 7:20 am
Back by popular demand…my weekly breakup rx video tips! I’m pulling these out of the archive so you can rock your heartbreak recovery.
Breakup blues got you down? Hung up on how to handle the upcoming holidays solo? Your survival strategy may be to change your plans…
Good luck and happy healing!
Back By Popular Demand: Ask Lisa ANYTHING!
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on July 6, 2010 - 5:42 pm
Back By Popular Demand: Ask Lisa Steadman
FREE call with best selling author, internationally renowned
relationship expert, and CEO of Woohoo, Inc.
Tuesday, July 13 @ 6pm Pacific | 9pm Eastern
If you could ask me anything about where YOU are on the journey away from Mr. Wrong and into the arms of Mr. Right, what would it be?
Join my FREE call where I’ll answer YOUR burning relationship questions on Tuesday, July 13.
Click here to register for the call.
Day 30: Celebrate YOUR success!
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 30, 2010 - 6:00 am
Woohoo! Welcome to Day 30 in my 30 Day Get Out There Challenge!
What was your favorite part of the challenge? What did you find most challenging?
What kind of results did you experience?
I can’t WAIT to here how you did during the challenge.
Even if you only implemented a few of the tips, celebrate your success. Treat yourself to a mani-pedi. A glass of wine. A relaxing massage. And keep rocking these tips moving forward.
And be sure to share your Woohoo!s here on the blog. I can’t wait to hear from you!
For more tips like this, check out http://lisasteadman.com/category/30-day-challenge/
Neva A. Lockhart on why Unconditional Love is a Lie
Submitted by Neva Lockhart on June 29, 2010 - 9:08 am
During Lisa’s 30 Day Get Out There Challenge, I invite you to shift your thinking about what love really looks like so that you can find the kind of love you truly deserve. First, let’s get real about unconditional love.
We all long to find the love of our life, and when we do, we want that love to be all dressed up in “unconditional love.”
We believe having unconditional love is not only what the soul requires, but that it will somehow fortify our relationships and guarantee our unions will last. We believe it to be the greatest expression of love that can be exchanged between individuals and therefore we all want it. So, why is unconditional love so illusive and unattainable?
We all know the term is used time after time in various ceremonies as well as when describing the love parents have for their children. In fact, the term unconditional love is used as the epitome of that kind of love.
So, really then, what does unconditional love mean?
I want to ask you a few questions about unconditional love.
1. Have you been looking for a person who would be willing to love you unconditionally?
2. If so, what does being loved unconditionally mean to you?
3. Do you know how unconditional love should feel?
4. Is the unconditional love you seek physical or emotional?
Please take a minute to think about your answers. Connect with your thoughts and feelings on the term. Doing so will be pertinent to you understanding the truth about unconditional love.
Did you find your truth about unconditional love?
Did you gain clarity on the mate of your dreams by defining what unconditional love is?
If you were able to answer any of those questions, you should know that you just set yourself up for failure.
Shocked? Don’t be.
There is no such thing as unconditional love. The very idea of unconditional love is a lie. The mere statement “I want someone to love me unconditionally” is, in fact, a condition.
Ladies – we need to have conditions on our love! It is misleading and confusing to think we do not. Putting conditions on love is not at all a horrendous gesture. It is an essential element in creating lasting and fulfilling relationships.
Case in point, we want to be loved in a way that makes us feel good about ourselves and the person we love. None of us should allow ourselves by word or action to be disrespected in anyway. We do not want to give love and not receive the love we put out. This, too, is a basic condition of love. Is this a new thought? No. Universally, ALL wedding vows have conditions. Remember this one, “I promise to love you in good times as well as bad;” or how about this one “until death do us part.” Again, these are conditions.
Conversely however, if you say to someone or they say to you, “I love you unconditionally,” what actually is being said is that neither of you are under any obligation to return the love you expect or deserve. Unconditional love means love with no expectations or requirements. To ask for a love with no expectations or requirements is to ask for no love at all.
What we all want is really basic. We want someone to love us they way they would love themselves. No person in their right mind would inflict emotional pain or physical harm on themselves. We want to be respected and honored and not humiliated or treated badly. So, conditional love NOT unconditional love is a requirement. You must love me with respect, honor and dignity. Conditions.
Do not be fooled by this overly dramatic term. Look at it for what it is, deceiving and misleading.
And finally, heard of “tough love?” You hear it in relation to the kind of love parents have to implement with children that have taken a wayward course. Even parents have limits and conditions on their love, as they should.
So when you are out there looking for Mr. Right, know the true Mr. Right will not try to trick you into believing you can love each other unconditionally. If you meet a man who does try to sell you on that lie, run the other way and keep looking!
About The Expert
Day 29: Do you know the difference between Mr. Next and Mr. Right?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 6:00 am
With just two days left in my 30 Day Get Out There Challenge, now’s the time to understand the subtle differences between Mr. Next and Mr. Right. That way, when he shows up, you can recognize the difference.
Mr. Next is any guy you date who’s got potential. You can date Mr. Next as long as you want until you realize that he’s not a suitable match for you and your long-term goals and relationship requirements. Once you recognize that he’s not the guy for you, let him go. That way, you cut down on wasted dating time for both of you.
Mr. Right on the other hand is an elusive but oh so worth the wait guy who meets all of your relationship requirements, is emotionally available for commitment, and shares similar values and long-term goals. It takes time to find Mr. Right, and that’s fantastic! Not just anybody can be your perfect partner. Choose wisely.
For more on the sometimes subtle differences between Mr. Next and Mr.Rright, pick up my book If He’s Not The One, Who Is? What went wrong and what it takes to find Mr. Right.
And be sure to share your Woohoo!s here on the blog.
For more tips like this, check out http://lisasteadman.com/category/30-day-challenge/
Catherine Behan on Before You Try E-Harmony, Get a Dose of ME-Harmony
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 28, 2010 - 7:34 am
Here’s some great advice from my friend Catherine Behan on how to check yourself before you wreck your love life…
“I hate on-line dating!” Maggie sighed. “Everyone lies and posts pictures of themselves from 15 years ago.”
“I know what you mean,” moaned Lisa. “I want a guy over 6 feet and the last three matches were all under 5? 8!”
Can you relate? Have you worked and worked on your online dating profile and still attract people you would never pick for yourself? What’s wrong with the system?
Personally, I have worked with many people who have had excellent results with online dating. Some, though still single, really enjoy the people they have met through these dating resources. So what’s the deal? Why aren’t more people lucky in on-line love?
If you aren’t finding a good match, could it be that YOU are not a good match? Is it possible that you aren’t projecting the whole picture? If you are attracting people that are not even close to your ideals, you just might need to focus on a little ME-Harmony before you go to E-Harmony.
Long time singles like yourself have a Lost Love Legacy that holds your future captive. Each person you have encountered along the way…BFFs included, have left a sort of footprint in your mind and heart. Some past relationships have been good and the breakups mutual. But, the fact is, all past relationships have disappointments and heartbreak that lodge themselves in your heart.
No one is perfect. People hurt each other in relationship when misunderstandings happen, no matter how hard you try not to. When you attract the exact opposite of who it is you want to be with, it is a sure sign that you are coming across with a confusing vibration. The Law of Attraction is relentless and always brings exactly what you are vibrating…not what you are hoping for.
One part of you craves to be loved and adored. Another fears opening deeply to let love in. One part of you wants to co-create a marriage that works. Another part is intimidated by the negotiating it takes to walk it out.
One part of you wants a partner who is open and vulnerable. Another part of you is terrified of being open and vulnerable. See what I mean?
When you focus on ME-Harmony, you learn you can accept your doubts and fears and still move forward. Making peace with the ghosts of relationships past is the fastest way to get there. Each heart break in your past holds the power to make you an amazing partner. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. Finding self compassion and letting go of your hurts and disappointments will bring you to a place of shining self confidence.
When you have ME-Harmony, you may not even return to online dating. There is nothing more irresistible than a happy, confident person. Your luck in love will surely change when you choose that as your primary goal!
Curious about how to bring that harmony to yourself? Take the Soul Mate Quiz right here: http://AttractYourSoulMateNow.com
About The Expert
Catherine Behan is a gifted teacher, author, speaker, seminar leader and coach who has been helping people find True Love for over 30 years. She is the creator of “Seduce Your Saboteur: How To Enchant, Engage and Enlist Your Strongest Ally and Find True Love In 6 Months or Less.”
Day 28: Does the idea of finding Mr. Right freak you out?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 6:00 am
I rarely talk about what to do AFTER you meet a great guy.
And yet I find that this is where most women truly struggle.
We say we want love. We say we’re ready. And then when someone really great shows up who’s interested and available, we freak out. We sabotage. We run the other way.
Sound familiar?
As someone who has been there and done that, I had to break free of my own fears about actually finding love. My fears of being seen, heard, vulnerable, not to mention being in a relationship with an imperfect person. I had been looking for perfection for so long I couldn’t even accept a good man into my life when he showed up.
Until I broke free of my fear of what love actually looks and feels like.
If the idea of being in a relationship, taking risks, being vulnerable, and falling in love with an imperfect person terrifies you, pay attention to that. And works to shift your thinking.
Healthy and happy life is imperfect. You do have to be vulnerable. And that’s okay. That’s fantastic!
Surrender to the imperfectness of love. Give good guys a chance. And be willing to be imperfect yourself.
Got questions? Post them here.
For more tips like this, check out http://lisasteadman.com/category/30-day-challenge/
Lakeshia Ekeigwe on The Truth About Being Single
Submitted by Lakeshia Ekeigwe on June 27, 2010 - 7:20 am
When Lisa invited me to participate in her 30 Day Get Out There Challenge, I gladly accepted. I love sharing the truth about being single with single women everywhere. And the truth is…
You’ve been lied to.
How have you been lied to?
- The lie that you are supposed to love being single, and that something is wrong with you if you do not accept and embrace your single life just the way it is.
- The lie that you are lacking in self-love and self-esteem if you know you would rather be married than single.
- The lie that “the universe” may intend for you to be single so that you can accomplish great things.
- The lie that lust and/or money can replace love.
- The lie that you are “too picky.”
These were just some of the lies I heard when I was single, and I was sick and tired of them.
The circumstance of being single, when you would rather be married, just does not feel good. If it did, a whole lot of reality TV and ALL of the online dating services would cease to exist.
Would you like to know the truth?
The truth is you are inclined to being mated.
The truth is you are inclined to sharing your life with someone.
The truth is you are inclined to love.
The truth is you are not supposed to be single.
The truth is in your biology.
Yes, the truth is in your biology! Every 28 days or so, women are physically, hormonally and emotionally, either preparing to menstruate, menstruating or recovering from menstruation. What is the sole purpose of the menstrual cycle? To reproduce. What does it take to reproduce? A man.
We are instinctively drawn to being mated because the continuation of the human race depends on it. That is it. That is the biological truth about being single. You are not supposed to be.
So, you want a partner for life. You want to be married. Well guess what, that is precisely how you should feel.
Unfortunately, single women have been made to appear bitter, stupid and foolish for even thinking that their lives would be better in a happy, loving marriage. But, take a moment to think about it, does it not make perfect sense that you would prefer to join in the most basic ebb and flow of humanity from the beginning of time — that of having a mate and creating a family.
Want more of the truth? Good, I have more.
It is okay to feel that being single is not how you thought your life would be.
It is okay to feel that you would be happier married.
It is okay to know that you would feel complete – yeah, I said it; “complete” meaning NOTHING is missing – with a partner to share your life with.
It is okay to have very high expectations of the man you will share your life with. In fact, his wonderfulness should mirror yours.
It is okay to refuse to settle for less!
How will this information help you “find Mr. Right”? Well, hopefully you are now liberated from old beliefs that were confusing and self-defeating, eliminating some pressure. You no longer need to defend and justify your singleness! That said, you can now shout from the rooftops – I WANT TO GET MARRIED! - and enjoy the journey to finding your Mr. Right who will shout that out right back to you!
About the Expert
Lakeshia Rivers Ekeigwe is a Personal Development Coach and co-author of the book The Truth About Being Single. She works with individual clients and groups, facilitating classes and webinars designed to help people live the lives they want as they deepen their self-awareness and build greater self-esteem. She can be found at www.thetruthaboutbeingsingle.com and www.coachkesh.com.
