You don't have to be heartbroken to get it.

Mssy writes: “My boyfriend and I broke up. It came out of the blue. He’d told me he’d loved me for the past 5 years and then went away one weekend and in 4 days was over me. I am heart broken. We had planned a life together. We work together and share the same group of friends so I have to see him everyday. I am able to hold it together (around him) but he is starting to send mixed signals and they get more confusing everyday. For example, telling me how good I look, staring at me constantly, brushing up against me, and now he even offered to drive me to a staff dinner he wasn’t even going to. I’m totally confused. He says he wants to be friends but his actions are saying something different and I keep getting my hopes up that he will come back.”

Lisa says: I feel your pain! As someone who has been there, i.e. trying to stay friends with the ex after a breakup, and having to see him every day at the office, I know how difficult it is. Plus, you’re dealing with disappointment and loss. The key to your survival during this difficult time is that you must create new boundaries with your ex. He is going to test those boundaries constantly (don’t let him - he can flirt with you and still move on. As a woman, it’s trickier!) You have to be strong enough to call him on his inappropriate behavior (brushing up against you, offering you a ride, etc.). That is absolutely unacceptable. Your relationship has changed. He no longer gets to check you out, give you compliments, invade your space, etc. It’s time to change the dynamic. You can remain friendly, but for now, you cannot be friends. That’s an important distinction to make. From now on, only discuss work related matters, and anything else that you have to talk about. Don’t talk about how you’re handling the breakup, if you’re moving on, if you’re dating other people. Your ex may be sending you mixed signals, but it’s up to you to decode them and say Enough!

Good luck and happy healing!

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Lisa Steadman, a.k.a. The Relationship Journalist™ is the creator and editor of BreakupChronicles.com. She's also the author of "It's a Breakup, Not a Breakdown."

Pete asks: How do I get back into the dating thing after 6 yrs of estrangment? It’s a tough thing for me. I do have a lot of female friends, all married or attached so that’s no help. They give me advice, and many of my pals say to stay unattached. For me, that’s not an alternative. I want a relationship. What should I do?

Lisa says: The dating scene can be intimidating, especially if you’ve been out of it for awhile. Take your time, taking baby steps easing back into the single life. Online dating might be a good start for you because you can approach potential candidates from the comfort of your own home behind your computer screen (much less scary than the in person meet and greet). Start by joining a site like Match.com, Chemistry.com, eHarmony.com, or Yahoo Personals. Create a profile (be sure to include a photo) and start searching for matches.

Next, when you’re out and about in daily life, get in the habit of making eye contact with the women you encounter. If they make eye contact back, smile. If they smile back, say hello. If they respond, try to continue the conversation. Just be yourself. The right women appreciate a man whose authentic and genuine. The wrong women will easily fall by the wayside. Don’t think of it as rejection, thank them for being honest and not wasting your time.

You might also want to sign up for singles events in your area like speed dating, lock & key, or something more mellow like a singles wine tasting event or a singles Sierra Club hike. Just do something you actually enjoy so you can meet like-minded individuals.

Getting back out into the dating scene after time away can be daunting. Don’t give up. Have faith in yourself, practice patience, and persevere. Good luck and happy dating!

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Lisa Steadman, a.k.a. The Relationship Journalist™ is the creator and editor of BreakupChronicles.com. She's also the author of "It's a Breakup, Not a Breakdown."

“My ex and I broke up after 7 months of dating. We had a pretty good relationship at times. I got so sick of waiting for him to come over my house, and it seemed like his friends and beer were more important. I lost my job and the next day he broke up with me. It was really hard at first but with time I just got over it. I was always very generous and sweet towards him when we dated and he seemed to distance himself. We have been broken up for about 4 months now, and every time he calls (which is about once a week) I am so mean and rude to him, but the more mean I am the more he calls and wants to hang out with me. He seems to still love me and I feel disgusted when I’m around him. Should I not be his friend anymore?”
- Laurie

Friendship with an ex. Is that possible? Sure. Does staying friends make healing and moving on after your breakup easy? Of course not! Which is why I recommend a certain amount of distance from your ex after a breakup. Actually, if you can cut out all contact with your ex immediately following a breakup, the easier time you’ll have moving on. I realize that’s not always possible. After all, some people have children together, the work together, they own property together. If that’s the case, you have to create new boundaries with the ex. Only talk about the children, business, property, etc. do not discuss how you’re handling the breakup, if you’re dating yet, etc. And no, absolutely no booty calls. This is crucial to your recovery!

Previously, I blogged about ways to deal with your ex if he or she tries to get back in your life. Check out those tips for yourself. In the meantime, stay strong, keep those boundaries intact, and give yourself permission to heal and move on.

The truth is, if you’re meant to be friends with your ex, the two of you can come back together as friends after you’ve had some time to heal. But with the breakup so fresh, friendship isn’t a wise decision for most. It’s just too hard to move on while keeping in contact with your ex. Good luck and happy healing!

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Lisa Steadman, a.k.a. The Relationship Journalist™ is the creator and editor of BreakupChronicles.com. She's also the author of "It's a Breakup, Not a Breakdown."

“I’ve been dating this guy for about 3 years, and he would lie to me about a lot of things. I’ve caught him cheating on me various times. But he would always come back to me. He will tell me he loves me, and that he won’t do that stuff again. I’m a person who will always believe what someone says. I love this guy so much, but I don’t know what to do.”
- Anonymous

When we’re in love, our sense of judgment sometimes goes out the window. We want so badly to love and be loved that we put up with things we wouldn’t normally find acceptable. We sometimes let people cheat on us, lie to us, and in general treat us with such disrespect that if it was happening to someone else, we would tell them in no uncertain terms to walk away and never look back. But because it’s happening to us, we lose our sense of reality, putting blinders on to put up with what’s normally unacceptable to us. We’ve all been there, we’ve all done it. It’s human nature.

Here’s the absolute (and sometimes painful to accept) truth. As long as you stay in a relationship like this, as long as you turn a blind eye to the disrespect, you will continue to get disrespected. Like it or not, this is the pattern in your relationship, a pattern you may not like but a pattern you are telling your partner (by staying) that you accept. Maybe your words tell your partner that you don’t like his or her behavior. But your actions speak louder than your words because you continue to stay, or you continue to come back to the same situation. Your partner’s actions are speaking louder than his words, too. He may say he loves you, but cheating and lying are not loving behaviors.

While it’s not impossible, it is incredibly difficult to change the dynamic of a dysfunctional relationship, especially when one partner is getting what they want already. In this particular scenario, your partner is getting his needs met. He gets to cheat, lie, AND keep you in his life. What’s his incentive to change? Ultimatums aren’t going to work because you’ve probably already issued them, walked away, and always let him come back into your life. So what’s left for you to do?

Healthy, loving relationships start with you. You have to love and respect yourself. Your actions and your words should match one another. So should your partner’s. If someone is telling you they love you, but then treating you like garbage, their actions are not loving. Their actions are definitely louder than their words. Your actions needs to match your words. And if your words are “I love and respect myself” then your actions have to match. That means calling people when they treat you unfairly. And if their actions don’t change? It means being strong enough to walkg away, saying no to an unhealthy relationship and yes to yourself.

Learning self love and self respect can be challenging if you’ve never had it. But you owe it to yourself to learn how to love yourself first so that your relationships with others can be more loving and respectful. You can start by looking in the mirror every day and telling yourself how much you love you. It may feel cheesy at first, but it’s going to get easier and you’re going to start believing it. This is the first step on your road to a happier and healthier future.

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Lisa Steadman, a.k.a. The Relationship Journalist™ is the creator and editor of BreakupChronicles.com. She's also the author of "It's a Breakup, Not a Breakdown."

Forbsey writes: My girlfriend of 3 years recently broke up with me. She was my first love, I had been in love with her for a good 6 years as we were best friends at school though she never saw me that way. I helped her through her first serious breakup and 3 months later she realised she wanted me. We have been through alot, a miscarriage, her ex boyfriend always being around trying to get her back but through all of it we stayed strong and loved each other. No cheating ever happened and we had it all. Suddenly she said that she wants to be with me forever but not for now and maybe in a year we will get back. It was so sudden!! I cry all the time and it’s been a month already.

Lisa writes: Avalanche breakups are especially tough because we just don’t see them coming! If you’re still shaking your head and wondering why?, chances are your breakup was an avalanche. And it’s no wonder you sometimes feel like you can’t breathe. You’ve just been emotionally buried! In the case of an avalanche breakup, you may also be feeling betrayed, irrational, devastated, angry.

To add insult to injury, your ex has left the door open for the possibility of a future relationship. Typically, when someone tells us they want to be with us, just not right now, it’s their way of trying to let us down easily. But the truth is, it leaves us hanging because we’re expecting a future with them. It gives us no closure, and no ability to move on.

You deserve to move on! But it’s up to you. Take it day by day. Avoid contact with your ex. And remind yourself that you deserve healthy and happy love in your life. If your ex can’t give it to you, someone else eventually will. But you first have to heal your broken heart and ready yourself for a whole relationship.

If you don’t have a Boo-Hoo Crew, get one. Or join the message board and share your story with other breakup survivors. It’s so important to have a support system right now!

Give it time. It will get easier. And in the meantime, celebrate your slump. It’s okay to cry, mourn, grieve. You’ll know when you’re done celebrating your slump. But for now, embrace the slump!

Good luck and happy healing!

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Lisa Steadman, a.k.a. The Relationship Journalist™ is the creator and editor of BreakupChronicles.com. She's also the author of "It's a Breakup, Not a Breakdown."

Click the play button to listen to the podcast:

According to my fellow relationship professional Evan Mark Katz, the beauty myth is not a myth. What does that mean for the savvy single? You’ve got to make yourself market ready! Now, before you tune me out, hear me out. I’m not saying you have to drastically alter your physical appearance in order to attract members of the opposite sex. All I’m saying is that you should make your existing appearance as pleasant as possible. And by that I mean when you leave your house, try to look your best. For women, put on a little lip gloss & mascara to run your Saturday errands. Instead of running said errands in sweats and a ratty T-shirt? Put on something cute and casual that makes you feel good about yourself. Gentlemen, when you leave the house, make sure there aren’t remnants of the last meal you ate on your face or clothes. Showering is a good thing! And if you’ve got a unibrow, book an appointment with Helga the hot waxer. Even if it’s winter, ladies should shave their legs. You just feel better about yourself when you’re smoothe, don’t you?

If there are physical changes you want to make, i.e. losing weight, getting LASIK eye surgery, revamping your wardrobe, take the necessary steps to achieve those goals. Don’t put off living your best life as your best self for some “later” date. This is your life — right here, right now. Live it up!

Other ways to make yourself market ready include:
- Getting a new haircut, color, style
- Updating your makeup/beauty regimen
- Practicing the art of smiling confidently at cute strangers
- Tackling a toleration or two in your life (organizing your unorganized office, cleaning your messy refrigerator, paying down debt, etc.)

Ultimately, making yourself market ready involves doing whatever it takes to make you feel your best. Good luck and happy dating!

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Lisa Steadman, a.k.a. The Relationship Journalist™ is the creator and editor of BreakupChronicles.com. She's also the author of "It's a Breakup, Not a Breakdown."

Click the play button to listen to the podcast:

After a breakup, you may find yourself with plenty of free time on your hands. Time you used to spend with your ex is now spent in isolation, possibly obsessing about what went wrong and how you can get your ex back. STOP RIGHT NOW. The truth is, rather than obsessing about the past, you deserve to heal and move on. But first, you’ve got to figure out what to do with all that free time on your hands. Make a list of activities you enjoy, things that make you feel good about yourself. They may be things you used to do before you met your ex, but gave up during the course of the relationship. Or there may be new things you want to explore like taking a class or exploring a new hobby. What’s important is to make a list of at least 10 things (20 is better) that you are now footloose and fancy free to do and enjoy on your own. That way, when you find yourself with too much free time on your hands and no one around to keep you company, you can engage in one of these activities.

Possible activities include:
- Get a mani-pedi
- Go for a walk
- Write in your journal
- Take a relaxing bubble bath
- Call your Boo-Hoo Crew
- Bake cookies
- Finally sign up for that salsa dance class

Go ahead, make your list. And the next time you find yourself with too much free time on your hands, pick an activity and enjoy!

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Lisa Steadman, a.k.a. The Relationship Journalist™ is the creator and editor of BreakupChronicles.com. She's also the author of "It's a Breakup, Not a Breakdown."

Calling all savvy singles! This week’s dating tip is all about shaking things up. If your routine goes something like this: home, work, gym, home, then you’ve gotta shake things up. At least once during the next week, break with routine and put yourself in a target rich environment. Suggested activities include:

Stop by the bookstore after work and browse a topic of interest while keeping your eye out for any cuties.
Recruit your gal pals for an afterwork drink at a local hotspot. In addition to enjoying the cocktails, scope out the scene for sexy strangers.
Do some research for a fun singles activity, i.e. speed dating, a networking mixer, or Sierra Club hike and go for it!
Find a cause near and dear to your heart and volunteer on a Saturday or Sunday. You never know who you’ll meet!

These are just some of the suggested activities you should engage in. Remember, the goal is not necessarily to score a date, but really just get you out of your monotonous routine that may be keeping you from meeting anyone. The more you put yourself in target rich environments, the better!

Good luck and let me know how things go!

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Lisa Steadman, a.k.a. The Relationship Journalist™ is the creator and editor of BreakupChronicles.com. She's also the author of "It's a Breakup, Not a Breakdown."

Click the play button to listen to the podcast:

This week’s breakup survival tip is essential to your recovery! If you haven’t already done so, it’s time to remove your ex from your online life. That means taking his or her name and/or profile off of your social networking sites like MySpace, FaceBook, etc. It also means removing them from your instant messaging contacts. And while you’re at it, delete them from your email address book (cell phone, too). It may sound harsh, but for the time being you need to stay very far away from your ex.

Why?

We all know how easy it is to secretly cyberstalk someone without them knowing, i.e. lurking on their MySpace page, etc. Don’t do it. You may think it’s harmless, but it’s actually detrimental to your recovery. It’s all too easy to obsess about who’s leaving them flirty comments, who’s posing with them in the new photos they’ve posted, or who they’re chatting with online.

The best way to heal and move on after a breakup is to create distance between yourself and your ex, starting with your online life. If you don’t think you have the strength to do it, recruit one of your Boo-Hoo Crew to sit with you at your computer and step-by-step delete your ex from your online life. You’ll thank them later!

Once you’ve accomplished this, give yourself a gold star. You’re one step closer to breakup recovery.

Good luck and happy healing!

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Lisa Steadman, a.k.a. The Relationship Journalist™ is the creator and editor of BreakupChronicles.com. She's also the author of "It's a Breakup, Not a Breakdown."

Click the play button for the podcast:

Calling all savvy singles! Ready for your dating tip of the week? Every day for seven days, your goal is to strike up a conversation with a member of the opposite sex whom you’ve never met. They don’t have to be single, and it doesn’t have to lead anywhere, but this is an exercise in getting comfortable approaching and talking to potential partners. Now, it’s important to exercise good judgment. Don’t approach strangers in a dark parking lot or other unsafe area. Instead, think standing in line at the grocery store, in the elevator at work, while waiting for your latte at Starbucks, or any other place where there are members of the opposite sex present.

Remember, this doesn’t have to be rocket science. You don’t have to think of the wittiest conversation starter ever. The goal is to just get the ball rolling. Potential conversation starters include:

Hi, how are you?
Do you know what time it is?
How’s your day going?
I dig your tie/shoes/watch/etc.

Make eye contact, smile, and wait for his or her response. If it invites additional conversation, great! If not, your job is done and you can move on.

Good luck and let me know how things go!

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Lisa Steadman, a.k.a. The Relationship Journalist™ is the creator and editor of BreakupChronicles.com. She's also the author of "It's a Breakup, Not a Breakdown."