30 Day Woohoo Challenge: Day #2 – Who are you still holding onto?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 11, 2010 - 6:13 am
Today, I want you to start identifying who/what is holding you back on your journey to find love.
First, ask yourself this:
Are you still hung up on your ex?
Whether he’s still in your life or not, your ex may be sabotaging your chances of finding love if:
- you compare every man you meet to your ex and they never measure up
- your ex’s criticical messages are in your head constantly, i.e. “You’re too fat”, “You’re too screwed up”, “You’ll come back – watch!”
- you’re so afraid of getting hurt again that you’re completely shut down when it comes to love
OR, do you live with the story that tells you you’re unworthy of love?
Have you spent a lifetime in silent agreement about what’s possible for you in life and love?
Maybe you cosmically agreed you’d be healthy and successful but alone and lonely, or that you can have love but be poor.
Or who are you afraid of punishing if you’re happy?
“I won’t be more successful or happy than my parents,” is a common silent agreement. So are:
- “My mom told me I didn’t deserve love, so it must be true.”
- “My ex cheated on me so all men are scum.”
- “My parents split up so all relationships are temporary, messy, and miserable.”
Today, start identifying and breaking free of the stories that no longer serve you. Here are some awesome resources:
If you’re still mourning your ex, pick up a copy of It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good!
Ready to BUST THROUGH those old stories and limiting beliefs TODAY? Get my e-book Bad Love No More, available @ http://badlovenomore.com/
Reinventing Happily Ever After
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 10, 2010 - 9:00 am
In his best selling book Think & Grow Rich, author Napoleon Hill writes about how countless entrepreneurs unknowingly stop 3 feet before the vein of gold. Translation: If these ambitious individuals had just kept going a moment longer, tried one more time after experiencing rejection and failure, they would have discovered wealth and abundance beyond their wildest dreams.
In my coaching practice, I have found the same concept to be true for women who believe their chances of meeting Mr. Right are O-V-E-R. After going through a painful breakup or divorce, and finding themselves single at an age they never expect, so many smart, savvy, successful women give up hope of ever finding love again. Convinced their happily ever after is now in the past, they simply accept life as the token single in their social circle, resign themselves to spending Saturday nights alone, and surrender to the idea that all the good men are taken – or out chasing twentysomething bimbos. What these women don’t realize is that they’re stopping just 3 feet short of their vein of gold. Yes, life as they once knew it is dead and gone. But what comes next is far more interesting.
It’s time to reinvent what happily ever after looks like. And while it no longer includes your ex, it can include a handsome, successful, loving man (if that’s what you want). It can also include single gal adventures, including traveling solo, spending time with girlfriends, reinventing your career, redecorating your home, and/or awakening to a new passion.
Now is your time to live out loud, and to reinvent Y-O-U on your terms. Yes, starting over is hard. But now that you’re free to put yourself first for a change, what will you do with your fabulous life? Take a painting class in Paris? Learn the tango in Argentina? Take up sky diving (strapped to a handsome instructor, of course!)?
While plenty of mourning time is necessary to let go of the life that’s no longer available, this is also the time to celebrate the vast unknown, and to reclaim yourself, maybe for the first time in years! So go ahead, give yourself permission to dream B-I-G! After all, this is your reinvention. Why not make the most of it?
Need help reinventing Y-O-U? Post a comment on the blog. And pick up a copy of my ebook Bad Love No More!
Ready to Find Love? Join my 30 Day Woohoo Challenge!
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 5:59 am
The other night, I gave my final FREE call of the year on the subject of “Calling in the One.”
The response was so tremendous — my most popular call of the year — and I’ve received so much e-mail since then with follow-up questions,
comments, etc.
Thanks so much for your participation and questions!
Your feedback got me thinking…
It’s not enough to share these five success strategies that I implemented to call in my husband.
I want you to step in to action.
I want you to start implementing those success strategies, starting yesterday. 
I want to give you a 30 day challenge.
Are you up for it?
Here’s the deal.
The replay of my FREE call can be accessed here:
You can listen to it, enjoy it, and never change a thing.
OR…
You can step into action, join my challenge, and change what’s possible for you in the next 30 days.
It’s your decision.
I hope you’ll decide to join my challenge. Here’s how it’ll work:
Every day I’ll post an exercise or assignment based on the strategies I shared on the free call, PLUS more of the success strategies I share in
my e-book Bad Love No More, available @ http://badlovenomore.com/
I’ll post these videos on my Facebook fan page.
If you want to join the challenge, become my fan today.
Then every day you’ll enjoy my free video with your Woohoo! Action assignment for the day. These assignments may include…
- Talking to one cutie you don’t know that day
- Identify three to five target rich environments and put yourself in one that day
- Figuring out who you need to forgive and forgive them
- Creating your new love vocabulary
- Giving yourself permission to just have fun!
The goal of my 30 day challenge is to get you out of your comfort zone, step into action, and get ready to answer the question, “If he’s not the one, who is?”
By taking part in my 30 day action plan, you’ll be ready to call in love in 2010, and ready to dive into my brand new book If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right which will show you EXACTLY how to do that.
If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right isn’t available until January 18, 2010 so now’s the time to take action to get ready for your fabulous journey!
All you have to do to join my challenges this. Join my Facebook fan page NOW.
You’ll see my first video already posted. And stay tuned for more videos posted every day.
Leave me comments, let me know how you’re doing, and let me know what you think of the challenge.
And if you want a leg up on the challenge, get your copy of my e-book Bad Love No More, available @ http://badlovenomore.com/.
When you do, you’ll get some amazing bonuses from my fellow relationship experts absolutely free!
Here’s to your success!
After The Breakup: The ABCs of Ex Etiquette
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 9, 2010 - 9:00 am
Think you can stay friends with your ex and still move on after a breakup? Think again. Most people who try to stay friends with their ex are just doing so in hopes of either rekindling the relationship or using the other person as a crutch until someone better comes along. What happens when it’s the other person who moves on first? Ouch!
As hard as it may be to accept, your relationship is over. It’s now time to EXtract your ex from your life, give yourself time to heal, and create the space to move on. Of course, there are certain circumstances in which you can’t avoid maintaining a relationship with your ex, but for now, the following is a cheat sheet on appropriate ways of communicating with your ex after the Big Breakup:
By Phone
The reasons for talking to your ex on the phone are…wait. There are none. Delete his number from your cell phone. And if he calls and leaves you a message, have a friend listen to it in case it’s important. Then delete, delete, delete!
Via Email, IM, Text Messaging, Social Networking Sites
After you’ve arranged to return each other’s stuff, delete your ex from your email address book, your Facebook and Twitter friends, and your instant messaging contacts. That way when you’re having a fragile moment at three A.M., you’re not tempted to contact him (the repercussions the following day can be both embarrassing and costly to your recovery). And if you were hoping to keep tabs on your ex by tracking his every online move or possible new dating adventures? Don’t do it. It’ll just make you wonder who he’s talking to (or obsess about those hotties who keep posting comments on your ex’s Facebook page), and you don’t need that.
In Person
And because there are just too many emotions swirling around in your post-breakup head, you should avoid seeing your ex in person at all costs. If you see your ex too soon, you run the risk of suffering potentially bad consequences, including any or all of the following:
1. Losing face by crying hysterically
2. Waking up beside your ex the next morning and realizing you just had sex with your ex
3. Getting arrested for assault and battery
Let’s face it. None of these situations are ideal. So if you can, avoid seeing your ex until your emotions are more stable. Only you can determine when that will be (and it’s okay to say never!).
To kick start your healing process, be sure to pick up my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
Got a question about how to get over your ex? Email ask@lisasteadman.com.
Bad Breakups Revisited: The Broken Hearted Club Weighs In
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 7, 2010 - 9:00 am
Think your breakup was bad? Curl up with your fellow breakup survivors to find out how other people got the boot…
“My ex broke up with me while I was out serving jury duty. He wrote me a one page letter and left it on my kitchen table so that I could see it when I got home from court. While I was in court serving jury duty, he was packing his things in his suitcase getting ready to go to the airport to fly from NYC to CA (where he is originally from). Later that afternoon I came home to find this one paged letter and an empty apartment. He is such a coward. He never even called me up to at least say sorry. We were in a relationship for over three years! I at least deserve an explanation. What I got was another really long letter via email a day later.”
- Brooke
“I had been in a four year relationship with a guy whom I fell in love with in almost an instant. While I was pregnant with his baby, I found out that he was hiding a serious drug problem from me. I helped him through detox and stuck by him through all of it. About seven months ago he cheated on me and again I forgave him. But in the end I had to break up because he got into harder drugs and I couldn’t have my baby being around all that. I am trying to get over this and be strong but the truth is, no matter how you break up or what it is over it still hurts!”
- Cherry
“Mr. Ex and I dated for almost a year and everything was great! We did everything together and had so much fun. He would shower me with beautiful gifts and I fell deeply in love with him. Then just last month we went to Vegas for vacation. We had the best time! But when we got back, he told me he wanted to explore his options and date other people. I cried for three weeks straight.”
- Carla
“When he can’t tell you everything, when he keeps his phone calls, emails and chats “too private,” when you have that gut feeling in your stomach that something’s not right – more often than not you are right! Trust issues are the worst obstacles. I should know! If you don’t trust your partner, you’ll find yourself too tired of playing Private Investigator all the time. End it while you still have your dignity intact. It’s hard but it’s the only way.”
- Lydia
“I was engaged to be married. We were together 5 years. Everything for the wedding was done and we had bought a house. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who I helped raise from the time she was 7. In June 2004, 2 weeks before my shower, he decided that he didn’t think it was going to work. He just called the whole thing off. Five months after what would have been our wedding day, he married another woman and had a baby six months later. As much as I hurt, I now realize how lucky I am. Marrying that liar would have been my biggest mistake.”
- Rosie
“I was dating this guy for five months and everything was absolutely amazing. We went places and spent almost every waking hour with each other. Then one day he just started acting kind of shady, like he didn’t want to be bothered with me anymore. Come to find out that he has this psycho baby mama that he lives with and when she found out about me, as she demanded he stopped seeing me. What was I supposed to do? They have a kid together. I had to let him go.”
- Delinda
“My ex and I were together for the best year-and-a-half of my life. We broke up because her negative family issues overwhelmed our relationship and hindered us from moving on with our lives together. I would never want to tear her away from them, but I wished she could have stopped being so dangerously co-dependent.”
- Mike
Now that you know you’re not alone, get hands-on help by picking up your very own copies of my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
Want to share your story with me or ask me a question? Email ask@lisasteadman.com.
Single and Scared: Debunking the Scarcity Myth
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 6, 2010 - 9:00 am
“There are no good men left.”
Sound familiar? If you’re feeling freaked about being single, you don’t need to give up on your search for Mr. Right. You may just need to debunk your attachment to the scarcity myth. How? By participating in a fun 3 week experiment. All you need is an open mind, a few spare minutes each day, and a desire to change your dating future.
Are you ready?
Week #1: Initiate Contact
Start by making eye contact with one member of the opposite sex (who you don’t know) every day for a week. You can do this in the elevator in your office building, while picking out produce at the grocery store, in line for your morning latte, or in a social setting (bar, party, picnic, etc.). It’s not important where you do this exercise, only that you start getting comfortable making eye contact with the other gender.
Week #2: Smile
The following week, make eye contact and smile at at least one member of the opposite sex every day. Chances are good that you’ll get a smile back. It doesn’t have to go any further than that (don’t expect him to ask for your digits). This is simply an exercise in getting comfortable engaging the opposite sex. Short on time? Suggested locations to smile and make eye contact on the go include the gym, while sitting in traffic, picking up your dry cleaning, or while grabbing a quick bite out of the office.
Week #3: Step It Up
During the third week of this exercise, step it up a notch. Make eye contact, smile, AND make small talk with a least one member of the opposite sex every day. If the idea of small talk gets you tongue-tied, relax. Start simply and slowly. Remember, this doesn’t have to be rocket science. You don’t have to think of the wittiest conversation starter ever. The goal is to just get the ball rolling. Potential conversation starters can be as simple as:
Hi. (Seriously, that counts!)
How’s your day going?
I dig your shoes/tie/suit. Where’d you get them/it?
Once you’ve opened up the conversation, don’t look away. Maintain eye contact, smile, and wait for his response. If he invites additional conversation, great! If not, your job for the day is done and you can move on. If for some reason, the object of your attention is rude or dismissive, don’t take it personally. Rejection is part of the dating process. Chalk it up to experience, let go, and try again tomorrow.
The point of this exercise is to debunk the scarcity myth by showing yourself that there’s actually an abundance of men in your every day life. They may not always be interested (and you may not be interested either), they may not always be available, but by getting into the practice of noticing and acknowledging men, you’re more likely to spot the ones who ARE interested and available when they present themselves to you.
Now, if your routine goes something like this: home, work, gym, home, then you’ve got to shake things up. At least once a week from now on, break with routine and put yourself in a target rich environment. Suggested activities include:
- Stop by the bookstore after work and browse a topic of interest while keeping your eye out for any cuties.
- Recruit your gal pals for an after work drink at a local hotspot. In addition to enjoying the cocktails, scope out the scene for sexy strangers. (Make eye contact and smile!)
- Do some research for a fun singles activity, i.e. speed dating, a networking mixer, or Sierra Club hike and go for it. Enjoy!
- Find a cause near and dear to your heart and volunteer on a Saturday or Sunday. You never know who you’ll meet.
These are just some of the suggested activities you can engage in to mix up your routine. Remember, the goal is not necessarily to score a date, but to get you out of your monotonous routine that may be keeping you from meeting men. The more you put yourself in target rich environments and get comfortable talking to strangers, the better!
Getting outside your comfort zone can feel uncomfortable. Keep at it. Celebrate your successes. Learn from your challenges. And just have fun!
For more on how rocking your love life, pick up my book If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right.
Got questions about rocking your dating life in 2010? Email ask@lisasteadman.com or post a question or comment on the blog.
Boohoo Crew 101: After A Breakup, Ditch Your Ex And Call In The Professionals!
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 4, 2010 - 7:00 am
To successfully survive and thrive after a breakup, savvy breakup survivors know that they can’t heal and move on without a little help from their friends. And that’s where the Boohoo Crew comes in. Part cheerleader, part therapist, your Boohoo Crew should be reliable, patient, and consist of at least three friends for round-the-clock supervision and support.
The role of the Boohoo Crew is to provide the following:
- A shoulder to cry on
- A voice of reason
- Damage control (in case you get the urge to contact your ex)
- The bright side
Tips for assembling the perfect Boohoo Crew
Not everyone’s cut out to be a Boohoo Crew member. It’s important to recruit only those friends who are up to the challenge. While assembling your crew, keep the following considerations in mind:
- Include only those friends who are loving and supportive.
- Exclude any so-called friends who might say things like “I told you so,” brag about their own relationship, or ask if they can call your ex (in fact, dump these “friends” immediately!).
- Do not include any mutual friends who might report back to your ex on your progress (and/or dish about your setbacks).
The Boohoo Crew code of honor
During your slump, your Boohoo Crew should be available 24/7. It may sound like a tremendous commitment, but that’s what friends are for. You’d do it for them (if you haven’t already). And let’s face it: There are times in life when you have to sleep in shifts. This just happens to be one of those times.
There are also going to be times when you’ll obsess about your ex, times when you’ll want your ex back, and times when all you can think about is picking up the phone and calling your ex. These are the times when you should rely on your Boohoo Crew for support. You’ll want to choose friends who know you well enough to know when you need comfort versus when you need a kick in the pants. Friends who can remind you of the nitpicky negative things you once said about your ex that you’re going to forget when you’re wishing you two were still together. Your Boohoo Crew should always know (and be able to remind you) why your ex wasn’t good for you then, and why he or she is definitely not worth pining over now.
When we’re in post-breakup mode, some of us have trouble reaching out to others. We think asking for help is a sign of weakness, but it’s not. It’s a show of strength. So go out there and recruit the best Boohoo Crew ever! (Right now.)
To kick start your healing process, be sure to pick up my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
Got a question about how to get over your ex? Email ask@lisasteadman.com.
Mr. Wrong or Mr. Right? How to tell if it’s time to stay or go
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 3, 2010 - 8:22 am
How do I know if and when it’s time to break up?
There’s a lot of good in the guy I’m dating, but the bad is unacceptable. What do I do?
I keep waiting for the guy I’m seeing to make the changes I need. How long do I wait? And what if he never changes?
Chances are, at some point in your dating past or present one or more of the above questions has weighed heavily on your mind. The truth is, there’s no one size fits all answer to these questions. However, your gut knows what you want and need to do. It’s up to you to tune in, listen, and honor what you know is right — for you! And while it’s admirable to hang in there, try to work it out, and make the best of things, at some point you need to recognize when it’s better to cut your losses and move on rather than stick it out for another day, week, month, year. The following are some tips to help you tune in to what your gut is really saying:
Know what you want
So often I hear from my clients that they feel they stayed too long in the wrong relationship, only to later regret all that wasted time. The best way to guarantee that you don’t waste time in the wrong relationship is to become clear about what you want BEFORE you get into a relationship. That starts with knowing your relationship requirements. Even if you’re already in a relationship, go ahead and make your list of your non-negotiable requirements. If your current partner or person you’re dating doesn’t meet them (and is incapable of meeting them), that may be a clear indication that Mr. Maybe is actually Mr. Wrong.
Become a red flag specialist
When you’re dating someone, they reveal themselves through both words and actions (unless they’re a serious con artist). It’s up to YOU to pay attention. And it’s equally important to become a red flag specialist, a.k.a. someone who can easily and unemotionally identify a relationship red flag when it’s presented to her. Everyone’s red flags are different, and they’re based on your relationship requirements and core values. If your potential cutie is consistently late, that could be a red flag. If your date claims to be smart, together, financially secure, etc., but his actions tell you a different story, your red flag alert system should sound the alarm.
Develop 20/20 vision
Rather than project a fantasy of who you’d like your date to be, it’s essential that you take off any rose colored goggles you’re wearing and see the men you date for the individuals they really and truly are. By being clear about your requirements and honing your ability to identify red flags as they are presented to you, you’ll cut down on wasted dating time and avoid getting into a relationship with someone who doesn’t meet your requirements.
Put a timeline on The Waiting Game
If you’re in a relationship and are waiting for your partner to make some changes (get a job, fix their finances, get out of their funk, etc.) before you decide whether to stay or go, put a deadline on your waiting game. And feel free to communicate the deadline to your partner. Let them know if you don’t see promised changes in a reasonable timeline, you’re not going to just hang around and wait for them to get their act together. You have needs, too, and they don’t involve putting off your life indefinitely while your partner tries to “figure things out.”
1, 2, 3 strikes you’re out
In baseball, there’s a reason you only get three strikes before you’re out. Otherwise, the game would go on and on, strike after strike, with no end in sight. Dating requires a similar rule — the Three Strikes Rule. If you play by the Three Strikes Rule, you give potential dates a margin of error without feeling taken advantage of. If your date is consistently late, doesn’t call when he says he’s going to, behaves inappropriately, or engages in any other unacceptable dating behavior, you reserve the right to call Strike One. And it’s important that you call him on it so that your strike system is clear. If he repeats the same behavior, Strike Two. And again, reiterate your needs, letting him know you’re not messing around. Strike Three? He’s out (regardless of how cute he is). It may sound and/or feel harsh at first, but if you really want to cut down on wasted dating time, you’ll listen to your gut and practice the Three Strikes Rule.
Now that you know how to cut down on wasted dating time, you can continue rocking your dating life by picking up a copy of my book If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right.
Got questions about rocking your dating life in 2010? Email ask@lisasteadman.com or post a question or comment on the blog.
Reconnect with the Ex? What You Need To Know Before You Give It Another Go
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 2, 2010 - 7:00 am
After a relationship ends, it’s all too easy to second-guess the decision to split up. And while reconsidering doesn’t necessarily mean you should reunite, what happens if you and your ex DO decide you’d like to give the relationship another go? Maybe the time away from one another has shown you the error of your ways. Perhaps you’ve each had time to assess what went wrong and are now committed to a fresh start. However, before you rush into reuniting, think about these important factors:
1. Make sure you’re reuniting for the right reasons
Before you and your ex give Your Relationship, Part Two the green light, you’ll want to double check your intentions. Are you interested in getting back together because you love, respect, and genuinely want to make the relationship work, or are you simply lonely, confused, scared, or, worse, you just don’t like the dating prospects you’ve met so far as a savvy single? Worse still, have you discovered that your ex is moving on before you are and instead of letting them go, you now want to hold on for dear life? Before you make a hasty decision the two of you could live to regret, it’s essential that you both identify your reasons for reuniting. Do NOT reunite out of fear, scarcity, or loneliness. Those are natural reactions to a breakup. They are NOT signs you should get back together with your ex, nor are they signs that your ex was The One. Both of you need to believe that the relationship is worth salvaging and that you can make it work. Then – and only then – should you resuscitate your relationship.
2. Understand the odds against you
After the breakup, you may have put your ex on a pedestal, remembering the relationship through rose colored glasses. If you’ve got reuniting on your mind, you should know that the odds are stacked against you. After all, your relationship probably ended for a good reason. Reuniting won’t automatically fix what was wrong in the first place. The reality is, there were issues, problems, and traits your ex possessed that probably drove you nuts. Right about now, you may be in denial about that. But rest assured, once you reunite, those frustrations, annoyances, and/or challenges will come rushing back. And unless you and your ex find new approaches to dealing with old habits and patterns, you could easily end up exactly where you left off — at each other’s throats and ultimately broken up. Having said that, just because the odds aren’t in your favor does not mean you shouldn’t give the relationship another chance. You just need to be aware of the challenges involved — and the odds of success — in reviving a once-dead relationship.
3. Be willing to leave the past behind
Regardless of why you broke up in the past, if you and your ex intend to reunite, you’ve both got to be willing to leave the past behind. That doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting the past, but forgiving is essential. Otherwise, you’re doomed to relationship failure. If somebody cheated, lied, and/or betrayed the other one in any way, both partners have to be willing to forgive and make a fresh start. It’s the only way to make your second chance successful. Before you give the relationship another go, you need to have an honest and open conversation about whether or not the two of you can forgive one another. It may not be a fun conversation, but it’s an essential one to your future relationship success.
4. It takes two to tango (and make it work)
If you’ve assessed the reasons why you want to reunite, have weighed the odds against you, and still want to get back together, you need to make sure your ex is on the same page. This may be a difficult discussion to broach, but it’s a necessary one if you want to have a future together. After all, it takes two to tango, and both partners have to be equally committed to the dance. You won’t know until you sit down and have that honest and open conversation. You may not like the outcome, as the two of you may not see eye to eye about your future together. But it’s better to address the issues now and go your separate ways, than reunite and get your heart broken all over again.
Reviving a relationship with your ex can be tricky, but it’s not impossible. You both need to be equally committed, willing to forgive, and able to reconnect from a place of love and respect. While the odds may seem stacked against you, if you give it your best efforts, you may enjoy a healthier and happier relationship the second time around.
Ready to get over your ex once and for all? Pick up copies of my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him
Got a question about reuniting with your ex? Email ask@lisasteadman.com.
The Do’s and Don’ts of Mastering The First Date
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 1, 2010 - 7:00 am
In 2010, finding someone to date isn’t nearly as tricky as mastering the art of dating. Between online dating, singles events, and the old-fashioned in-person meet and greet, it’s possible to date someone new on a regular basis. But how do you make the most of these chances to meet your perfect partner? How can you ensure that a first date, good or bad, is a learning experience rather than a missed opportunity? The following are the top five dating don’ts, followed by helpful dating do’s:
Don’t: Misrepresent yourself
While online dating is a valuable resource for the savvy single, there are people out there who misrepresent themselves. Don’t be one of them. Just as your online dating profile should accurately represent who you really are, your in-person encounters should be equally authentic. Don’t pretend to be something or someone you’re not to try and impress a potential partner. You’re fabulous just as you are and if somebody else can’t see that, it’s their loss. Besides, a relationship founded on lies and/or insincerities will quickly crumble.
Do: Be clear AND realistic about what you want
The most successful daters are those who not only know exactly what they want, but are realistic about themselves and what they’re looking for. If you’re ready to get started, make a list of the qualities and traits you’re looking for in your perfect partner. Then look at that list and ask yourself how realistic it is. For example, is finding someone who makes great money more important than finding someone who lives within his means? Or if you think you want to meet someone who’s highly educated with multiple degrees, is that as important as finding someone with one degree but amazing life experiences that have helped shape and educate him? Make your list and as you continue dating, tweak the list to make it as clear and realistic as possible.
Don’t: Get stuck in a rut
Getting stuck in a dating rut or dry spell doesn’t have to be part of the single gal’s experience. Taking time away from the dating scene to breathe and reboot is one thing (and oh-so-necessary now and then). But getting stuck in a dating rut where you’re either not meeting anyone or only meeting the same type of guy over and over again is a thing of the past.
Do: Put yourself in target rich environments (often!)
The best way to avoid a dating rut is to get “out there” on a regular basis. And by “out there”, I mean put yourself in target rich environments at least 1-3 times a week. What’s a target rich environment? It’s any location where savvy and successful single men can be found in abundance. For the best results, choose a target rich environment based on your own interests. Don’t think sports bar (unless you’re a die-hard sports fan yourself), but instead think bookstore or singles event or museum fundraiser or political rally. Once you’re in your target rich environment, don’t forget to smile and circulate!
Don’t: Drag excess baggage on dates
Just as you shouldn’t have to date a guy who lugs his emotional baggage wherever he goes, you shouldn’t be That Girl either. Nobody in your present dating life wants or deserves to bear the brunt of your past relationships. Your relationship history — the good, bad, and even the ugly — is just that. History.
Do: Learn your relationship lessons
Instead of obsessing about past relationship failures, look at those experiences as valuable lessons. You can learn from any dating disaster, relationship gone awry, and even a bad breakup. These experiences ultimately teach us about our own resilience, what we’re really looking for in our perfect partner, and how we can do better next time by applying our lessons learned.
Don’t: Be a critic
Raise your hand if the following scenario sounds familiar: You’re on a date with someone new, and instead of being present and actively getting to know the person seated across from you at the coffee house/restaurant/cocktail lounge, you’re stuck in your own head judging your date. He’s too short. He doesn’t drive the right car. I don’t think he makes enough money. Chances are, you’ve been there, done that. And if so, you may have walked away from what could have been a great date because your inner critic got the best of you. While you may think your inner critic is merely pointing out relationship red flags, what it’s really doing is sabotaging your ability to get to know someone new; someone who could be a great guy if you gave yourself a chance to get to know him. You owe it to yourself to turn the volume down on your inner critic, pay attention to the person you’re on a date with, and then decide for yourself if you’d like to see him again. By muting your inner critic, you may just discover you’re a better judge of character.
Do: Have fun
In your quest to meet Mr. Right, you may sometimes lose sight of the fact that dating is supposed to be fun. Yes, it takes a lot of time, energy, and patience. But that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the process. If you’re feeling particularly stressed about dating, maybe it’s time to take a brief break. Focus your energies elsewhere for a while; on work, a hobby, or just on nurturing yourself. When you’re ready, get back out there. But first adopt a more Zen approach to dating. Enjoy getting to know new people without worrying about where it’s going or if he’s The One. By enjoying your dating journey, you’re all the more likely to attract a healthy and happy partner because you yourself are happy and healthy.
Don’t: Look at being single as a bad thing
Be honest — does being single sometimes feel like a life sentence you’re forced to endure? If so, don’t be surprised if you’re attracting like-minded individuals or not attracting anyone at all. This kind of negative thinking is both dangerous and defeating to your dating efforts. After all, would you want to date someone who hated being single?
Do: Become a successful single
The key to enjoying your social life as a savvy single is to relish in the possibilities. You have yet to meet the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with and that’s fantastic! By being footloose and fancy free, you have the opportunity to meet and date and try on different partners until you find the right fit. While not every person you date is going to be right for you, by playing the field you exponentially increase your chances of meeting that perfect person. By becoming a successful single and enjoying the quality of your life in general, you’re bound to attract like-minded healthy and happy partners — maybe even Mr. Right.
If you’re really ready to break free from past patterns and become a man magnet, pick up my book If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right.
Got questions about rocking your dating life in 2010? Email ask@lisasteadman.com or post a question or comment on the blog.
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