Breakups 101: Letting Go Of Your Old Self

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on August 7, 2010 - 7:00 am

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Are you feeling hung up on your ex?

Paralyzed and not sure how to move on?

Wondering if you’ll ever find love again?

Stop.

It’s time to set yourself free.

In order to heal and move on after heartbreak, your first order of business is to ask yourself what aspects of the old you no longer work. Keep in mind that your mission is not to launch a personal attack on your psyche. Rather, this is an opportunity to examine who you used to be and who you’re slowly but surely becoming, along the way identifying any old behaviors, beliefs, and/or personality traits that may be holding you back. Things you may want to leave behind include:

1. Limiting beliefs about love and relationships

2. Low self-esteem that inhibits your personal development

3. Deep seated fears that forecast a bleak future

4. Walls and/or boundaries you put up to keep people out but ultimately leave you isolated and unhappy

By letting go of what no longer works, you take yet another step towards your bright future. So go ahead, ask the question:

What is it about my past self that no longer works?

Make a list of at least ten things. The more thorough you are in this exercise, the better. If you need help getting started, feel free to borrow from the following sample list, as it applies to you.

What is it about my past self that no longer works?

1. I was too needy with my ex (and in every other relationship, too)

2. I didn’t feel like I could be myself around my ex and his friends

3. I have a bad habit of throwing temper tantrums when I don’t get my way

4. Everyone I know is miserable and unhappy, so I’m doomed to be miserable and unhappy, too

5. I’m afraid I’m too screwed up to have a good relationship

Once you’ve made your list, review it. Pay special attention to how many items on the list relate to your ex as well as how many issues you’re still holding onto because of your ex, thinking there’s still value in being defined by them or him. The truth is, it doesn’t matter who you were with what’s his name. What matters is who you want to become now that you’re free to be your most authentic self. That’s one of the gifts your breakup gave you — the opportunity to become the real you.

Look at the list again. How many items on the list relate to low self-esteem or limited beliefs about what you deserve in life and love? There are probably at least one or two. Whether you know it or not, the only thing standing between you and the beautiful/amazing life you deserve is your future belief system. Your past beliefs don’t matter. Your new set of beliefs can be whatever you want and need them to be. You, too, can be whomever you want and need to be. The only thing stopping you is, well, you. Today, get out of your own way and embrace a healthy and happy new belief system.

For help with this exercise, pick up a copy of my book If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right.