Ditch It, Donate It, Destroy It: What to do with all your ex’s stuff
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on August 13, 2010 - 7:00 am
It’s over. Now what? A better question would be what are you going to do with all the memories left behind? Whether you know it or not, the key to surviving and thriving lies in your ability to successfully sever ties with your ex. Not to mention all the stuff he left behind.
Starting today, make a conscious effort to get rid of any evidence that your ex actually existed. Maybe you feel like you’re not ready yet, but I promise this is an important and necessary step to your recovery. So wrap that comfy blanket or quilt around you, keep a handful of tissues in one hand, and in the other grab a sturdy bag or box. Now, go from room to room, putting anything into the box/bag that your ex left behind. This includes his old stuff (socks, toothbrush, Xbox, etc.), items that will only remind you of your ex and therefore torture you (old photos, letters, mementos), or gifts that your ex gave you (including the teddy bear on your bed). Once you’ve done a clean sweep of your home, clearing any visual reminders of your ex, put the bag/box down. You now have a decision to make. Will you:
1. Trash his stuff
2. Donate his belongings
3. Return the items of value, dump the rest
4. Put everything somewhere for safekeeping until you’re over him
While I’m a big believer that time plus distance equals moving on from an ex, I have my sentimental side, too. I recognize that you may want to keep certain mementos from your relationship — old photos, letters, cards, etc. However, for the duration of your recovery, your ex’s things have got to go. And that’s what the box is for. Once you’ve packed up all of his stuff and gotten rid of as much of it as you’re willing to, close the lid on the items you want to hold onto. Put the box in the very top of your hall closet, in a storage area you don’t frequent, or better yet, give it to a friend for safekeeping. Explain that you’ll eventually want the box back but that first, your heart needs to heal. You’ll thank yourself later for performing this necessary exorcism.
For more on how to perform a thorough exorcism, get copies of my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
And to remind yourself that you’re NOT alone, check out The Breakup Chronicles, featuring real stories of how breaking up with the wrong person is always the right thing to do.
Are you scared to be single?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on August 12, 2010 - 7:15 am
When it comes to being single, what scares you the most…
Standing on your own two feet?
Not having a date on Saturday night?
Never dating again?
Never meeting your perfect partner, falling in love, and experiencing your very own version of happily ever after?
All of the above?
The truth is, you ARE worthy of love, warts and all. Your happily ever after still exists. It’s just up to you to redefine it. In the meantime, it’s okay to be scared to be single. It may be new and unfamiliar territory, but guess what? As uncomfortable as it can sometimes feel, being single is also a gift and a blessing. And in time, you may just discover that you actually enjoy being single.
So how do you change how you feel about being single?
First, you admit that you still want to find love. That’s natural, normal, and biological.
Second, you surrender to NOT knowing when it will show up.
Then, you start creating a life YOU love, complete with taking full responsibility for your emotional well being, your financial fitness, and any other baggage that may be weighing you down.
And then you put yourself in target rich environments several times a week.
And celebrate fabulous YOU! In doing so, you’ll ease up on the self-imposed and societal pressure to couple up and instead live and love your life today.
If you’re ready to do what it takes to find Mr. Right, enroll in my FREE 30 Day Get Out There Challenge.
And be sure to pick up my man-ifesto for meeting Mr. Right: If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right, available on Amazon and in bookstores.
For added support, join my Facebook Fan page here:
http://www.facebook.com/LisaSteadmanFans
Divorce 101: Surefire strategies to rock your recovery
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on August 11, 2010 - 6:45 am
Healing and moving on after breakup is easier when you can cut your ex out of your life completely. However, when you go through divorce, you can’t always do that. Maybe you have kids together, property together, a business together, etc. If this is the case, the first thing to do when going through a divorce is create new boundaries with your ex. Only discuss matters that relate to both of you, i.e. the children, business, property. Don’t try to nurture each other through the divorce or talk about your new social life. That just muddies the water and makes moving on more difficult.
Enlist the help of your Boo-Hoo Crew
No matter how many breakups we go through our life, we never get through them without our friends. Divorce is no exception. It’s important to have a support system in place for those times when you’re sad, depressed, or just have the urge to contact your ex. If you don’t feel comfortable, enlisting the help of friends he made during your marriage, call on old friends or join a divorce support group. And don’t worry — as you ease into Movin’ On Mode, your Boo-Hoo Crew becomes your Woo-Hoo Crew!
Give your bedroom a makeover
It may seem insignificant, but your bedroom holds the key to how quickly and easily you move on after a divorce. That’s why it’s necessary to give your bedroom a bit of a makeover. Buy new sheets or a new comforter, move the bed to another wall (or get a new bed!), invest in a new set of pajamas that your ex never saw you in, invite a new scent into the room with candles or air freshener. Do whatever it takes so that every time you enter the bedroom, you’re not reminded of your divorce and instead are able to focus on celebrating you and your ability to move on!
Give yourself a makeover
Divorce can be tough on your self-esteem. That’s why it’s so important to treat yourself to a makeover. It helps us reconnect with our inner fabulousness. So go ahead — invest in that cut, color, and highlights. Re-vamp your closet. Stop by the makeup counter at your local department store and get a new look. You deserve to celebrate the new you that’s emerging after the divorce. She’s fabulous. And she deserves to be celebrated!
Throw yourself a movin’ on party
Celebrate the new and improved life after your divorce by throwing yourself a movin’ on party. The party is not so much focused on celebrating divorce as it is celebrating the life that’s now waiting for you, a life that promises to be more authentic and inspired now that you’re free to be true to yourself. Only invite friends and family who can celebrate your future and not dwell on the past.
For hands on help getting over your divorce or breakup, pick up copies of my books It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and the 21 day workbook It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
Feeling lost when it comes to love?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on August 10, 2010 - 7:03 am
Now that you know the signs you’re hung up on What could have been, how to STOP feeling like a failure at love, and how to END your suffering for wasting too much time with Mr. Wrong, it’s time to get some serious clarity.
It’s time to stop feeling lost when it comes to finding Mr. Right.
Let’s get your internal compass working again!
First, let’s determine where you got lost in the first place.
If you spent most of your last relationship catering to your ex’s every need, don’t beat yourself up for being too accommodating. Celebrate the fact that you’ve got a lot of love to give. Moving forward, why not put all of that amazing love and attention on your own interests, your own needs, your own self nurturing? That way, you’ll never again get lost in a relationship, living solely for the purpose of helping your partner get everything they want and need, all the while feeling suffocated, isolated, and/or under-appreciated.
Truthfully, in a healthy and happy relationship, wants and needs are a two-way street. You take care of yourself AND your partner, and vice versa.
Starting right now, ask yourself what it would FEEL like to get your needs met.
Imagine how your life would improve if Mr. Right was there for you.
It’s possible. First, you have to connect to how healthy and happy love looks and feels. Define it. Meditate on it. Journal about it.
CONNECT to it regularly so you’ll be able to recognize it when it shows up in your life.
Then when it shows up and you recognize it, don’t run the other way. Celebrate the fact that you’re a powerful manifester.
And embrace the fact that you are not lost nor are you a loser at love. You are right on time for YOUR happily ever after.
Stay tuned for more tips on how to set yourself free from dating drama and disappointment.
And if you’re REALLY ready to do what it takes to find Mr. Right, enroll in my FREE 30 Day Get Out There Challenge.
Pick up my man-ifesto for meeting Mr. Right: If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right, available on Amazon and in bookstores.
For added support, join my Facebook Fan page here:
http://www.facebook.com/LisaSteadmanFans
Love that! In the meantime, focus all that love and attention on Y-O-U.
Feel like you wasted years with Mr. Wrong?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on August 8, 2010 - 7:55 am
Be honest…
When you look in the rearview mirror of your last relationship, do you:
A. Kick yourself for staying too long
B. Feel like you wasted weeks, months, years of your life that you’ll never get back
C. Worry that your ex still has time to get everything he wants, but it’s too late for you
D. All of the above
Whether you chose A., B., C., or D., the good news is that it’s never too late to be true to yourself.
Did you stay longer than you should have in the wrong relationship? Maybe. But you probably still had lessons to learn. Can you recoup those so-called wasted weeks, months, years? Not literally, but cosmically, yes.
How?
By learning your lessons, promising to never again repeat patterns and habits that no longer work for you, and by remaining consistently committed to your amazing future. If you commit to your successful future, you will never again waste time on the wrong guy.
First, you must commit to doing the following:
1. Make your list of relationship wants, needs, and requirements so you’re crystal clear about what you do and don’t want
2. Become a red flag specialist who never again ignores all the signs that Mr. Wrong is NOT The One
3. Trust that Mr. Right is out there for you and don’t get unnecessarily sidelined by men who don’t match his description
4. Create a life you love so that you’re not waiting around for some guy to rescue you
5. Let go of unhealthy baggage that’s stifling you and keeping Mr. Right away
Can you see how getting hung up on the time you may have wasted with Mr. Wrong only keeps you stuck? Give yourself permission to set yourself free and move on — for good!
Stay tuned for more tips on how to set yourself free from dating drama and disappointment.
If you’re ready to do what it takes to find Mr. Right, enroll in my FREE 30 Day Get Out There Challenge.
And be sure to pick up my man-ifesto for meeting Mr. Right: If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right, available on Amazon and in bookstores.
For added support, join my Facebook Fan page here:
http://www.facebook.com/LisaSteadmanFans
Breakups 101: Letting Go Of Your Old Self
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on August 7, 2010 - 7:00 am
Are you feeling hung up on your ex?
Paralyzed and not sure how to move on?
Wondering if you’ll ever find love again?
Stop.
It’s time to set yourself free.
In order to heal and move on after heartbreak, your first order of business is to ask yourself what aspects of the old you no longer work. Keep in mind that your mission is not to launch a personal attack on your psyche. Rather, this is an opportunity to examine who you used to be and who you’re slowly but surely becoming, along the way identifying any old behaviors, beliefs, and/or personality traits that may be holding you back. Things you may want to leave behind include:
1. Limiting beliefs about love and relationships
2. Low self-esteem that inhibits your personal development
3. Deep seated fears that forecast a bleak future
4. Walls and/or boundaries you put up to keep people out but ultimately leave you isolated and unhappy
By letting go of what no longer works, you take yet another step towards your bright future. So go ahead, ask the question:
What is it about my past self that no longer works?
Make a list of at least ten things. The more thorough you are in this exercise, the better. If you need help getting started, feel free to borrow from the following sample list, as it applies to you.
What is it about my past self that no longer works?
1. I was too needy with my ex (and in every other relationship, too)
2. I didn’t feel like I could be myself around my ex and his friends
3. I have a bad habit of throwing temper tantrums when I don’t get my way
4. Everyone I know is miserable and unhappy, so I’m doomed to be miserable and unhappy, too
5. I’m afraid I’m too screwed up to have a good relationship
Once you’ve made your list, review it. Pay special attention to how many items on the list relate to your ex as well as how many issues you’re still holding onto because of your ex, thinking there’s still value in being defined by them or him. The truth is, it doesn’t matter who you were with what’s his name. What matters is who you want to become now that you’re free to be your most authentic self. That’s one of the gifts your breakup gave you — the opportunity to become the real you.
Look at the list again. How many items on the list relate to low self-esteem or limited beliefs about what you deserve in life and love? There are probably at least one or two. Whether you know it or not, the only thing standing between you and the beautiful/amazing life you deserve is your future belief system. Your past beliefs don’t matter. Your new set of beliefs can be whatever you want and need them to be. You, too, can be whomever you want and need to be. The only thing stopping you is, well, you. Today, get out of your own way and embrace a healthy and happy new belief system.
For help with this exercise, pick up a copy of my book If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right.
Do you feel like a failure at love?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on August 6, 2010 - 6:47 am
One of the biggest signs that you’re not yet ready to find Mr. Right is that you’re stuck in the trap of “What could have been.” Specifically, you’ve fallen into the nasty trap of believing your ex was The One, and without him, you’re doomed.
Sound familiar?
Here’s another common trap I see women fall into…
They feel like a bit, fat failure at love.
When you look back at past relationships and see that the only two common denominators are you and the fact that the relationship ended, it’s easy to fall into the false assumption that you must be a failure at love. And while it’s true that you participated in each and every one of those past relationships, it’s also true that there was something about each of those relationships that worked for you at the time. On some level (emotionally, spiritually, sexually, etc.), you got something out of it. And you stayed because that need was being fulfilled.
The truth is, you are not a failure at love.
If you apply the lessons you’re learning from past relationships to your future, you’ll never again repeat those same issues, patterns, and mistakes. In fact, if you apply the Goldilocks principle to your next relationship, learning from what did and didn’t work in the past, you may even get it “just right” next time!
The key is to learn from the past, make the decision to stop repeating the same mistakes over and over in relationship after relationship, and choose better next time.
How can you learn from past relationship mistakes and STOP feeling like a failure at love?
Stay tuned for more tips on how to set yourself free from dating drama and disappointment.
And if you’re REALLY ready to do what it takes to find Mr. Right, enroll in my FREE 30 Day Get Out There Challenge.
Pick up my man-ifesto for meeting Mr. Right: If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right, available on Amazon and in bookstores.
For added support, join my Facebook Fan page here:
http://www.facebook.com/LisaSteadmanFans
Breakup Behavior to Avoid: How to Keep Your Breakup from Becoming a Breakdown
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on August 5, 2010 - 7:00 am
Like the old song says breaking up is hard to do. But you don’t have to have a total breakdown. Instead, adhere to the following post-breakup Do’s and Don’ts and you’ll be healing your broken heart in no time:
Don’t: Call, email, or maintain any other contact with your ex. It’s just not healthy for your recovery. Instead, use this post-breakup time to focus on yourself and your own healing.
Do: Create a support group of friends (a.k.a. your Boo-Hoo Crew) who can help you through your post breakup recovery.
Don’t: Spend too much time obsessing about what went wrong, how things could have been different, or continue to ask yourself Why?
Do: Accept that the breakup has happened, give yourself time to heal, and allow yourself to mourn the loss (a.k.a. celebrate your slump).
Don’t: Engage in risky post-breakup behavior including rebounding and revenge (it will just cloud your vision and/or result in legal action).
Do: Take all that post-breakup rage and channel it into positive, healthy outlets. Join a gym and kickbox your rage away. You’ll look and feel better in no time! Instead of trashing your ex’s stuff, why not donate it to a homeless shelter? He still loses out on his Little League trophies, favorite blue shirt, etc. but someone else – someone in need – benefits!
Don’t: Lose yourself in misery. While it’s okay to celebrate your slump, the time will come when you’ll want to dump your slump, which is why you can’t get caught up in the post-breakup blues. Give yourself time to feel the pain, but then give yourself permission to move on.
Do: See your breakup for what it really is – a chance to learn some important life lessons, celebrate your resilience, and eventually meet someone new (someone better suited for you who would have gone unmet had the breakup never happened).
For hands on help getting through your breakup, grab copies of my survival manifestos It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
For added support, join my Facebook Fan page here:
http://www.facebook.com/LisaSteadmanFans
Reconnect with the Ex? What You Need To Know Before You Give It Another Go
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on August 4, 2010 - 7:00 am
After a relationship ends, it’s all too easy to second-guess the decision to split up. And while reconsidering doesn’t necessarily mean you should reunite, what happens if you and your ex DO decide you’d like to give the relationship another go? Maybe the time away from one another has shown you the error of your ways. Perhaps you’ve each had time to assess what went wrong and are now committed to a fresh start. Before you make the decision to reunite, review the following important factors. And revisit the benefits of bouncing back after a breakup.
1. Make sure you’re reuniting for the right reasons
Before you and your ex give Your Relationship, Part Two the green light, you’ll want to double check your intentions. Are you interested in getting back together because you love, respect, and genuinely want to make the relationship work, or are you simply lonely, confused, scared, or, worse, you just don’t like the dating prospects you’ve met so far as a savvy single? Worse still, have you discovered that your ex is moving on before you are and instead of letting them go, you now want to hold on for dear life? Before you make a hasty decision the two of you could live to regret, it’s essential that you both identify your reasons for reuniting. Do NOT reunite out of fear, scarcity, or loneliness. Those are natural reactions to a breakup. They are NOT signs you should get back together with your ex, nor are they signs that your ex was The One. Both of you need to believe that the relationship is worth salvaging and that you can make it work. Then – and only then – should you resuscitate your relationship.
2. Understand the odds against you
After the breakup, you may have put your ex on a pedestal, remembering the relationship through rose colored glasses. If you’ve got reuniting on your mind, you should know that the odds are stacked against you. After all, your relationship probably ended for a good reason. Reuniting won’t automatically fix what was wrong in the first place. The reality is, there were issues, problems, and traits your ex possessed that probably drove you nuts. Right about now, you may be in denial about that. But rest assured, once you reunite, those frustrations, annoyances, and/or challenges will come rushing back. And unless you and your ex find new approaches to dealing with old habits and patterns, you could easily end up exactly where you left off — at each other’s throats and ultimately broken up. Having said that, just because the odds aren’t in your favor does not mean you shouldn’t give the relationship another chance. You just need to be aware of the challenges involved — and the odds of success — in reviving a once-dead relationship.
3. Be willing to leave the past behind
Regardless of why you broke up in the past, if you and your ex intend to reunite, you’ve both got to be willing to leave the past behind. That doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting the past, but forgiving is essential. Otherwise, you’re doomed to relationship failure. If somebody cheated, lied, and/or betrayed the other one in any way, both partners have to be willing to forgive and make a fresh start. It’s the only way to make your second chance successful. Before you give the relationship another go, you need to have an honest and open conversation about whether or not the two of you can forgive one another. It may not be a fun conversation, but it’s an essential one to your future relationship success.
4. It takes two to tango (and make it work)
If you’ve assessed the reasons why you want to reunite, have weighed the odds against you, and still want to get back together, you need to make sure your ex is on the same page. This may be a difficult discussion to broach, but it’s a necessary one if you want to have a future together. After all, it takes two to tango, and both partners have to be equally committed to the dance. You won’t know until you sit down and have that honest and open conversation. You may not like the outcome, as the two of you may not see eye to eye about your future together. But it’s better to address the issues now and go your separate ways, than reunite and get your heart broken all over again.
Reviving a relationship with your ex can be tricky, but it’s not impossible. You both need to be equally committed, willing to forgive, and able to reconnect from a place of love and respect. While the odds may seem stacked against you, if you give it your best efforts, you may enjoy a healthier and happier relationship the second time around.
When in doubt, grab a copy of my breakup survival guides It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good! and It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown Workbook: A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him.
And share YOUR stories of how reconnecting with your ex did or didn’t work out.
Signs you’re hung up on “What could have been”
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on August 3, 2010 - 7:36 am
Last week, I announced that I was going to start sharing valuable tips and tools so you could let go of Mr. Wrong and do what it takes to find Mr. Right.
To be honest, I see way too many beautiful, smart, successful women getting and staying hung up on a guy who’s not good for them. And while the occasional run in with Mr. Wrong is normal during a single gal’s journey, getting stuck in a bad relationship or in a never ending loop of loving one Mr. Wrong after another can lead to massive heartbreak, disappointment, loss, and serious financial and emotional debt.
Trust me, I’ve been there.
And I’ve worked with enough women who are starting over yet again after Mr. Wrong wronged them that I want to help you change your fate.
Over the next 3 weeks, I’ll share top 5 traps I see women get stuck in. I’ll also share how you can get un-stuck from these traps so you can find out what it takes to meet Mr. Right.
Even if you’re not quite ready to manifest Mr. Right, you can take at least 1 step today to let go of your love for Mr. Wrong and/or your addiction to bad love.
First, I need you to be honest.
Do you think your ex was The One?
Are you paralyzed by the fear that you don’t have what it takes to get love right?
Do you spend countless nights lying awake, obsessing about how much time you’ve wasted in relationship after relationship that just never worked out?
I get it. I’ve been there. And as someone who once got love wrong every time until she woke up, wised up, and discovered what it takes to find Mr. Right, I want to share with you how being hung up on “What could have been” is sabotaging your chances of finding love.
If you’re haunted by the disappointment you feel at what your future could have looked like but never quite materialized, STOP.
You’re not alone. I’ve been there. And so have so many other smart, successful, amazing women just like you.
As women, we’re biologically and socially wired to want certain things: a home, someone to love, possibly a family. When a relationship ends, it’s like a part of our soul dies. The disappointment in ourselves and our inability to make love work can stifle any hopes of letting go and moving on to a more hopeful future.
But guess what?
It’s time to turn down the volume on that pain and disappointment.
It’s time to accept that for whatever reason, things didn’t work out with Mr. Wrong. You did your very best. In fact, I know you did more than your share to ensure relationship success. You don’t have to know why the relationship ended in order to move on. But you do have to give yourself permission to stop looking over your shoulder, stop obsessing about “What could’ve been,” and instead reacquaint yourself with your present circumstances, freeing yourself up to walk step by step into that magnificent future.
Today, I invite you to ask yourself: How am I hung up on “What could have been?”
And then, give yourself permission to let go of your fantasies about the past and step into the reality that Mr. Wrong wasn’t The One. You are not a failure at love. There’s STILL time for you to get love right.
You just have to get un-stuck first.
Can you see how being stuck in the trap of “What could have been” is holding you back? If so, give yourself permission to set yourself free and move on.
Stay tuned for more tips on how to set yourself free from dating drama and disappointment.
If you’re ready to do what it takes to find Mr. Right, enroll in my FREE 30 Day Get Out There Challenge.
And be sure to pick up my man-ifesto for meeting Mr. Right: If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right, available on Amazon and in bookstores.
For added support, join my Facebook Fan page here:
http://www.facebook.com/LisaSteadmanFans
