Day 30: Celebrate YOUR success!
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 30, 2010 - 6:00 am
Woohoo! Welcome to Day 30 in my 30 Day Get Out There Challenge!
What was your favorite part of the challenge? What did you find most challenging?
What kind of results did you experience?
I can’t WAIT to here how you did during the challenge.
Even if you only implemented a few of the tips, celebrate your success. Treat yourself to a mani-pedi. A glass of wine. A relaxing massage. And keep rocking these tips moving forward.
And be sure to share your Woohoo!s here on the blog. I can’t wait to hear from you!
For more tips like this, check out http://lisasteadman.com/category/30-day-challenge/
Neva A. Lockhart on why Unconditional Love is a Lie
Submitted by Neva Lockhart on June 29, 2010 - 9:08 am
During Lisa’s 30 Day Get Out There Challenge, I invite you to shift your thinking about what love really looks like so that you can find the kind of love you truly deserve. First, let’s get real about unconditional love.
We all long to find the love of our life, and when we do, we want that love to be all dressed up in “unconditional love.”
We believe having unconditional love is not only what the soul requires, but that it will somehow fortify our relationships and guarantee our unions will last. We believe it to be the greatest expression of love that can be exchanged between individuals and therefore we all want it. So, why is unconditional love so illusive and unattainable?
We all know the term is used time after time in various ceremonies as well as when describing the love parents have for their children. In fact, the term unconditional love is used as the epitome of that kind of love.
So, really then, what does unconditional love mean?
I want to ask you a few questions about unconditional love.
1. Have you been looking for a person who would be willing to love you unconditionally?
2. If so, what does being loved unconditionally mean to you?
3. Do you know how unconditional love should feel?
4. Is the unconditional love you seek physical or emotional?
Please take a minute to think about your answers. Connect with your thoughts and feelings on the term. Doing so will be pertinent to you understanding the truth about unconditional love.
Did you find your truth about unconditional love?
Did you gain clarity on the mate of your dreams by defining what unconditional love is?
If you were able to answer any of those questions, you should know that you just set yourself up for failure.
Shocked? Don’t be.
There is no such thing as unconditional love. The very idea of unconditional love is a lie. The mere statement “I want someone to love me unconditionally” is, in fact, a condition.
Ladies – we need to have conditions on our love! It is misleading and confusing to think we do not. Putting conditions on love is not at all a horrendous gesture. It is an essential element in creating lasting and fulfilling relationships.
Case in point, we want to be loved in a way that makes us feel good about ourselves and the person we love. None of us should allow ourselves by word or action to be disrespected in anyway. We do not want to give love and not receive the love we put out. This, too, is a basic condition of love. Is this a new thought? No. Universally, ALL wedding vows have conditions. Remember this one, “I promise to love you in good times as well as bad;” or how about this one “until death do us part.” Again, these are conditions.
Conversely however, if you say to someone or they say to you, “I love you unconditionally,” what actually is being said is that neither of you are under any obligation to return the love you expect or deserve. Unconditional love means love with no expectations or requirements. To ask for a love with no expectations or requirements is to ask for no love at all.
What we all want is really basic. We want someone to love us they way they would love themselves. No person in their right mind would inflict emotional pain or physical harm on themselves. We want to be respected and honored and not humiliated or treated badly. So, conditional love NOT unconditional love is a requirement. You must love me with respect, honor and dignity. Conditions.
Do not be fooled by this overly dramatic term. Look at it for what it is, deceiving and misleading.
And finally, heard of “tough love?” You hear it in relation to the kind of love parents have to implement with children that have taken a wayward course. Even parents have limits and conditions on their love, as they should.
So when you are out there looking for Mr. Right, know the true Mr. Right will not try to trick you into believing you can love each other unconditionally. If you meet a man who does try to sell you on that lie, run the other way and keep looking!
About The Expert
Day 29: Do you know the difference between Mr. Next and Mr. Right?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 6:00 am
With just two days left in my 30 Day Get Out There Challenge, now’s the time to understand the subtle differences between Mr. Next and Mr. Right. That way, when he shows up, you can recognize the difference.
Mr. Next is any guy you date who’s got potential. You can date Mr. Next as long as you want until you realize that he’s not a suitable match for you and your long-term goals and relationship requirements. Once you recognize that he’s not the guy for you, let him go. That way, you cut down on wasted dating time for both of you.
Mr. Right on the other hand is an elusive but oh so worth the wait guy who meets all of your relationship requirements, is emotionally available for commitment, and shares similar values and long-term goals. It takes time to find Mr. Right, and that’s fantastic! Not just anybody can be your perfect partner. Choose wisely.
For more on the sometimes subtle differences between Mr. Next and Mr.Rright, pick up my book If He’s Not The One, Who Is? What went wrong and what it takes to find Mr. Right.
And be sure to share your Woohoo!s here on the blog.
For more tips like this, check out http://lisasteadman.com/category/30-day-challenge/
Catherine Behan on Before You Try E-Harmony, Get a Dose of ME-Harmony
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 28, 2010 - 7:34 am
Here’s some great advice from my friend Catherine Behan on how to check yourself before you wreck your love life…
“I hate on-line dating!” Maggie sighed. “Everyone lies and posts pictures of themselves from 15 years ago.”
“I know what you mean,” moaned Lisa. “I want a guy over 6 feet and the last three matches were all under 5? 8!”
Can you relate? Have you worked and worked on your online dating profile and still attract people you would never pick for yourself? What’s wrong with the system?
Personally, I have worked with many people who have had excellent results with online dating. Some, though still single, really enjoy the people they have met through these dating resources. So what’s the deal? Why aren’t more people lucky in on-line love?
If you aren’t finding a good match, could it be that YOU are not a good match? Is it possible that you aren’t projecting the whole picture? If you are attracting people that are not even close to your ideals, you just might need to focus on a little ME-Harmony before you go to E-Harmony.
Long time singles like yourself have a Lost Love Legacy that holds your future captive. Each person you have encountered along the way…BFFs included, have left a sort of footprint in your mind and heart. Some past relationships have been good and the breakups mutual. But, the fact is, all past relationships have disappointments and heartbreak that lodge themselves in your heart.
No one is perfect. People hurt each other in relationship when misunderstandings happen, no matter how hard you try not to. When you attract the exact opposite of who it is you want to be with, it is a sure sign that you are coming across with a confusing vibration. The Law of Attraction is relentless and always brings exactly what you are vibrating…not what you are hoping for.
One part of you craves to be loved and adored. Another fears opening deeply to let love in. One part of you wants to co-create a marriage that works. Another part is intimidated by the negotiating it takes to walk it out.
One part of you wants a partner who is open and vulnerable. Another part of you is terrified of being open and vulnerable. See what I mean?
When you focus on ME-Harmony, you learn you can accept your doubts and fears and still move forward. Making peace with the ghosts of relationships past is the fastest way to get there. Each heart break in your past holds the power to make you an amazing partner. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. Finding self compassion and letting go of your hurts and disappointments will bring you to a place of shining self confidence.
When you have ME-Harmony, you may not even return to online dating. There is nothing more irresistible than a happy, confident person. Your luck in love will surely change when you choose that as your primary goal!
Curious about how to bring that harmony to yourself? Take the Soul Mate Quiz right here: http://AttractYourSoulMateNow.com
About The Expert
Catherine Behan is a gifted teacher, author, speaker, seminar leader and coach who has been helping people find True Love for over 30 years. She is the creator of “Seduce Your Saboteur: How To Enchant, Engage and Enlist Your Strongest Ally and Find True Love In 6 Months or Less.”
Day 28: Does the idea of finding Mr. Right freak you out?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 6:00 am
I rarely talk about what to do AFTER you meet a great guy.
And yet I find that this is where most women truly struggle.
We say we want love. We say we’re ready. And then when someone really great shows up who’s interested and available, we freak out. We sabotage. We run the other way.
Sound familiar?
As someone who has been there and done that, I had to break free of my own fears about actually finding love. My fears of being seen, heard, vulnerable, not to mention being in a relationship with an imperfect person. I had been looking for perfection for so long I couldn’t even accept a good man into my life when he showed up.
Until I broke free of my fear of what love actually looks and feels like.
If the idea of being in a relationship, taking risks, being vulnerable, and falling in love with an imperfect person terrifies you, pay attention to that. And works to shift your thinking.
Healthy and happy life is imperfect. You do have to be vulnerable. And that’s okay. That’s fantastic!
Surrender to the imperfectness of love. Give good guys a chance. And be willing to be imperfect yourself.
Got questions? Post them here.
For more tips like this, check out http://lisasteadman.com/category/30-day-challenge/
Lakeshia Ekeigwe on The Truth About Being Single
Submitted by Lakeshia Ekeigwe on June 27, 2010 - 7:20 am
When Lisa invited me to participate in her 30 Day Get Out There Challenge, I gladly accepted. I love sharing the truth about being single with single women everywhere. And the truth is…
You’ve been lied to.
How have you been lied to?
- The lie that you are supposed to love being single, and that something is wrong with you if you do not accept and embrace your single life just the way it is.
- The lie that you are lacking in self-love and self-esteem if you know you would rather be married than single.
- The lie that “the universe” may intend for you to be single so that you can accomplish great things.
- The lie that lust and/or money can replace love.
- The lie that you are “too picky.”
These were just some of the lies I heard when I was single, and I was sick and tired of them.
The circumstance of being single, when you would rather be married, just does not feel good. If it did, a whole lot of reality TV and ALL of the online dating services would cease to exist.
Would you like to know the truth?
The truth is you are inclined to being mated.
The truth is you are inclined to sharing your life with someone.
The truth is you are inclined to love.
The truth is you are not supposed to be single.
The truth is in your biology.
Yes, the truth is in your biology! Every 28 days or so, women are physically, hormonally and emotionally, either preparing to menstruate, menstruating or recovering from menstruation. What is the sole purpose of the menstrual cycle? To reproduce. What does it take to reproduce? A man.
We are instinctively drawn to being mated because the continuation of the human race depends on it. That is it. That is the biological truth about being single. You are not supposed to be.
So, you want a partner for life. You want to be married. Well guess what, that is precisely how you should feel.
Unfortunately, single women have been made to appear bitter, stupid and foolish for even thinking that their lives would be better in a happy, loving marriage. But, take a moment to think about it, does it not make perfect sense that you would prefer to join in the most basic ebb and flow of humanity from the beginning of time — that of having a mate and creating a family.
Want more of the truth? Good, I have more.
It is okay to feel that being single is not how you thought your life would be.
It is okay to feel that you would be happier married.
It is okay to know that you would feel complete – yeah, I said it; “complete” meaning NOTHING is missing – with a partner to share your life with.
It is okay to have very high expectations of the man you will share your life with. In fact, his wonderfulness should mirror yours.
It is okay to refuse to settle for less!
How will this information help you “find Mr. Right”? Well, hopefully you are now liberated from old beliefs that were confusing and self-defeating, eliminating some pressure. You no longer need to defend and justify your singleness! That said, you can now shout from the rooftops – I WANT TO GET MARRIED! - and enjoy the journey to finding your Mr. Right who will shout that out right back to you!
About the Expert
Lakeshia Rivers Ekeigwe is a Personal Development Coach and co-author of the book The Truth About Being Single. She works with individual clients and groups, facilitating classes and webinars designed to help people live the lives they want as they deepen their self-awareness and build greater self-esteem. She can be found at www.thetruthaboutbeingsingle.com and www.coachkesh.com.
Day 27: Are you addicted to a man’s potential?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 6:00 am
Be honest. Do you fall over and over again for a man’s potential, only to be devastated and disappointed when he doesn’t measure up?
Stop. This is a vicious cycle you need to break free from.
So many women believe that a man’s potential is who he really is.
They’re wrong.
Who a man is TODAY is who he really is. Trust that. Believe that. And don’t try and change him.
If you cannot accept a man for who he is right this minute, don’t date him. Falling in love with potential will only leave you feeling frustrated. And it will only make your man feel like a huge disappointment.
It doesn’t matter if he’s the most talented artist, the most amazing singer, uber smart with tons of potential. If he’s not living up to that potential today and you can’t accept that, do not date . Period.
Instead, get clear about what you really want. Stop dating in extremes and date in the middle. And love yourself enough to stop sabotaging your love life by falling in love with potential.
Got questions? Post them here. I can’t wait to hear from you!
For more tips like this, check out http://lisasteadman.com/category/30-day-challenge/
Relationship Red Flags: Three things you must know by Jennifer Gauvain, MSW, LCSW
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 26, 2010 - 6:56 am
Earlier in my 30 Day Get Out There Challenge, I introduced you to Jennifer Gauvain, co-author of the fabulous new book How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy: Is He the One or Should You Run? I’m thrilled to share Jennifer’s amazing insight into relationship red flags and how to stop ignoring them.
As you continue dating and meeting men during and after Lisa’s 30 Day Challenge, I want you to keep something in mind. When it comes to relationship red flags, there are three things you must know:
1. You can’t ignore them.
2. They are different for everyone.
3. Your gut feelings help you recognize them.
Let’s be honest. We all know what red flags in relationships are. They are seriously unappealing or problematic actions, attitudes and behaviors exhibited by your partner. We’ve seen countless articles detailing red flag after red flag. The problem is that while we recognize them, we often choose to ignore them.
My friend Jincey dated a guy who was 38 years old and lived with his mother. “I knew that was a red flag, but I ignored it,” she says. “One night, not too long after we started dating, we went back to his mom’s house to watch TV. He stripped down totally naked and sat on the couch. His mom brought us snacks and he just sat there. She cleaned up and ignored the fact he was naked. He must have done it all the time!” So what’s wrong with watching TV naked? Jincey said the real problem was his child-like dependence on his mother. Guess what? She married him anyway and it didn’t end well. “He could barely take care of himself and was terrible with money. He had a hard time keeping a job. He was sweet, but so irresponsible. He didn’t want a wife, he wanted another mommy.”
She would have saved herself a lot of heartache—and money—if she had paid attention to the irresponsibility red flag that was flying from the very beginning. “I just wanted the relationship to work out,” says Jincey. “I was tired of being alone.”
The other often misunderstood fact about red flags is that they are different for everyone. Jealousy, meanness, and avoidance are common red flags. And while it’s important to be aware of these red flags, a one-size-fits-all list doesn’t address your gut feelings. A-life-of the-party-girl may see extreme shyness as a red flag in a potential mate. Or a sports fanatic female may be turned off by a guy who dislikes sports. Or….maybe she won’t. Everyone’s different. So how do you know what a red flag is for you? Your gut will tell you. Or that little voice in your head will start to speak up and point out a potential problem in your relationship.
Katie, a 27 year old teacher, confesses that she is stuck in a relationship with the wrong guy. He’s a nice guy, but there are several red flags that are stirring up her gut feelings. “He sees the world as a sea of options, and has a hard time deciding what he wants to do,” she says. “Then, when he decides on something, he has a hard time sticking with it. That’s a red flag to me. And my gut questions his ability to help any family we might have someday. He also seems to care more about his adventures and his life than he does my own. It makes me think that he won’t be there for the important milestones in my life.”
Katie’s inner wisdom recognizes these red flags. Let’s hope she find the courage to take action. Here are some things to think about to make sure you can recognize red flags, and more importantly, not ignore them:
• When his behavior bothers you, pay attention. Is the little voice in your head trying to warn you about something? Don’t look the other way! Think about the behavior that concerns you and reflect on it.
• Ask yourself if you are changing your behavior in response to your boyfriend or partner’s behavior. Are you walking on egg shells? Are you avoiding difficult conversations? If you do try to talk about something, how does he react?
• Fast forward ten years. How will this particular behavior or attitude play out in the future? Will he be a good dad? A good friend? A solid employee? A reliable husband?
When it comes to red flags, what you see now is what you get later. Once you train yourself to recognize—and act on—the red flags in your relationships, you are on your way to a happier, more satisfying life. The choice is yours!
About The Expert
Jennifer Gauvain is the co-author of How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy: Is He the One or Should You Run? (Broadway/Random House, May 2010). She is a marriage and family therapist with clients around the country. For more information visit her website at coldfeetpress.com.
Day 26: Do you believe love is out of reach?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 6:00 am
Do you believe love is possible for everyone but you?
Are you convinced that you’re somehow the exception to the rule that happily ever after exists?
If so, then this is the REAL reason you’re single.
If our beliefs match our reality — and they do — then whatever you believe shows up for you every day.
Rather than spend another minute in despair about why love isn’t possible for you, why not instead shift your beliefs?
If needed, have amnesia for a day. Surrender to the fact that you have no idea when Mr. Right will show up. And live and love your life anyway. Pretend you have no relationship history bogging you down and TRUST that love is available for you. Tweak your love vocabulary and practice it throughout the day.
Report your progress and setbacks here. Good luck!
For more tips like this, check out http://lisasteadman.com/category/30-day-challenge/
Day 25: Plan a Girls Night Out
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 25, 2010 - 6:00 am
Now that you know how to talk to cuties every day, how to magnetize men, and how to flirt, today is the perfect day to play! So gather your gal pals for a girls’ night out.
Be strategic about where you go and what you do. The goal is to put into practice all of the skills you’ve been learning. So start by inviting three healthy and happy single girlfriends. Identify the ideal target rich environment for all of you. Then get all dolled up, put yourself out there, and have fun.
Make sure you’re approachable and easy going. Men can be intimidated by women in groups.
Practice being each other’s wing women, scoping out cuties and making connections. Laugh, be playful, enjoy yourselves. And above all else, have fun!
I can’t wait to hear where you and your gal pals go on your girls night out!
For more tips like this, check out http://lisasteadman.com/category/30-day-challenge/
