After the Breakup: Facing Your Fear Factor

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on November 20, 2009 - 8:54 am

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Are you starting the new year suddenly single? Did your breakup throw you for a loop? Are you struggling to figure out how to pick up the pieces and move on?

When healing from a breakup and trying to move on, it’s only natural to be afraid to leave behind your old life, however painful, for a new life you know so little about. But what if instead of looking at your new life as unknown and scary, you see it as exciting, full of possibility, and with the opportunity to experience love, happiness, and fulfillment beyond your wildest dreams? What if the unknown future is more joyful, more satisfying, more amazing than your painful past? The truth is, I know your future holds all of those things. But in order for you to achieve it, YOU need to believe it. First, you may need to let go of your future-based fears.

See which of the fears below resonate most with you. By identifying where you’re stuck, you take the first step to healing and moving on.

Fear #1: Fear of Making a Mistake
What if you were to leap away from the life you’ve known and the ex you may still love, only to regret your decision? What if your new life was more miserable than the old one? Or worse, what if you took a flying leap away from your comfort zone and instead of landing on solid ground, you crashed and burned? The truth is, fear of failure can be powerfully paralyzing. If you let them, the what if’s can keep you stuck in your old life that no longer works — FOREVER.

Can I let you in on a little secret? The only mistake you can make at this point in your recovery is to stay stuck. Whether you know it or not, you’ve already taken a huge leap. The breakup happened. You’re still here. You’re well on your way to surviving and thriving. As the saying goes, feel the fear and do it (a.k.a. leap) anyway!

Fear #2: Fear of the Unknown
What will it be like over there? What if I don’t like it? These are common questions when you’re stuck in your fear of the unknown. But guess what? Whether you did the dumping or got dumped, your past no longer works for you. And your present probably feels an awful lot like limbo, a.k.a. being stuck. The only person who gets hurt in this scenario is you. Everyone else, including your ex, is leaping into their blissful futures. Why not feel the fear, take the leap, and join your friends on the other side? You deserve to move on. And I promise you, you will survive and thrive!

Fear #3: Fear of Leaving Your Old Life Behind
Regardless of how happy or unsatisfied you were with your ex, there was probably comfort in knowing what your immediate future looked like. You most likely knew who you had plans with on Friday and Saturday nights, where you were going for the holidays, and who you could count on in a crisis. And now I’m asking you to leave all that behind for a life you know nothing about? You better believe it! As scary as it sounds, it’s the only sane option. Which means that it would be insane to stay stuck.

Let me repeat that. Staying stuck in your old life and old ways is actually kind of insane. After all, that old life doesn’t actually exist anymore. And staying stuck in the past doesn’t honor the amazing individual you are right now and continue to become, thanks to the breakup. Leaping into your bright and beautiful future is the only sane option available at the moment. But before you leap, you may need to dump any excess emotional baggage, ties to your ex, and/or any old behavior and attitudes that no longer work for you. Think of it this way — you now have permission to not only let go of what no longer works in your life, but to reinvent yourself as well. Go for it!

Fear #4: Fear of Losing Control
There’s a little control freak in all of us (maybe even a big one!). And thanks to the breakup, your control freak is probably freaking out right about now. What about all those plans we had with the ex? What happened to our day-to-day routine? This isn’t control. This is chaos! To put it bluntly, your control freak does NOT want to embrace any more change right now, which means that letting go and leaping are out of the question. But guess what? Change is a natural part of life. Losing control happens from time to time. Going through a breakup forces you to lose control AND face your fears about change and the future. Now’s the time to face those fears and release them so that you’re able to let go and leap. I promise you this. You will not fall to your death. Instead, you are going to soar high in the sky — higher than you probably ever dreamed possible! But first, you gotta lose some of that control.

In reviewing the four reasons you might be feeling fearful about your future, were you able to identify which fear(s) currently hold you back? Regardless of which one resonated most with you, it IS possible to release all your fears and take flight. To put it another way, why wait? What else has to happen before you take that leap? Do you need to:

- Sink further into your post-breakup funk?
- Drive all your friends away with your obsessive rants about your ex?
- Get a (GULP) marriage announcement in the mail from your ex, a clear sign he’s moved on while you’re still stuck?

Why not give yourself permission to let go and leap today? Aren’t you worth it? I think so. But what’s really important is that you think so. Yes, change is scary. Yes, old habits die hard. But what’s harder and scarier is holding on to a past that no longer works, a past that has already moved on without you. And whether you know it or not, it has.

Starting today, let go of your fears moment by moment. Before you know it, you’ll be free to move into your brilliant future.