Think your breakup was bad? Curl up with your fellow breakup survivors to find out how other people got the boot…

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 27, 2009 - 7:00 am

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“My ex broke up with me while I was out serving jury duty. He wrote me a one page letter and left it on my kitchen table so that I could see it when I got home from court. While I was in court serving jury duty, he was packing his things in his suitcase getting ready to go to the airport to fly from NYC to CA (where he is originally from). Later that afternoon I came home to find this one page letter and an empty apartment. He is such a coward. He never even called me up to at least say sorry. We were in a relationship for over three years! I at least deserve an explanation. What I got was another really long letter via email a day later.”

- Brooke

“I had been in a four year relationship with a guy whom I fell in love with in almost an instant. While I was pregnant with his baby, I found out that he was hiding a serious drug problem from me. I helped him through detox and stuck by him through all of it. About seven months ago he cheated on me and again I forgave him. But in the end I had to break up because he got into harder drugs and I couldn’t have my baby being around all that. I am trying to get over this and be strong but the truth is, no matter how you break up or what it is over it still hurts!”

- Cherry

“Mr. Ex and I dated for almost a year and everything was great! We did everything together and had so much fun. He would shower me with beautiful gifts and I fell deeply in love with him. Then just last month we went to Vegas for vacation. We had the best time! But when we got back, he told me he wanted to explore his options and date other people. I cried for three weeks straight.”

- Carla

“When he can’t tell you everything, when he keeps his phone calls, emails and chats “too private,” when you have that gut feeling in your stomach that something’s not right – more often than not you are right! Trust issues are the worst obstacles. I should know! If you don’t trust your partner, you’ll find yourself too tired of playing Private Investigator all the time. End it while you still have your dignity intact. It’s hard but it’s the only way.”

- Lydia

“I was engaged to be married in September 2008. We were together 5 years. Everything for the wedding was done and we had bought a house. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who I helped raise from the time she was 7. In March 2009, 2 weeks before my shower, he decided that he didn’t think it was going to work. He just called the whole thing off. Five months after what would have been our wedding day, he married another woman and had a baby six months later. As much as I hurt, I now realize how lucky I am. Marrying that liar would have been my biggest mistake.”

- Jasmine

Advice From The Dating Coach: The Do’s and Don’ts of Dating, Part Two

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 26, 2009 - 11:00 am

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Ready to get back out there and date again? You’ll be better prepared when you follow these simple do’s and don’ts:

Don’t: Drag excess baggage on dates

Just as you shouldn’t have to date a guy who lugs his emotional baggage wherever he goes, you shouldn’t be That Girl either. Nobody in your present dating life wants or deserves to bear the brunt of your past relationships. Your relationship history — the good, bad, and even the ugly — is just that. History.

Do: Learn your relationship lessons

Instead of obsessing about past relationship failures, look at those experiences as valuable lessons. You can learn from any dating disaster, relationship gone awry, and even a bad breakup. These experiences ultimately teach us about our own resilience, what we’re really looking for in our perfect partner, and how we can do better next time by applying our lessons learned.

Don’t: Be a critic

Raise your hand if the following scenario sounds familiar: You’re on a date with someone new, and instead of being present and actively getting to know the person seated across from you at the coffee house/restaurant/cocktail lounge, you’re stuck in your own head judging your date. He’s too short. He doesn’t drive the right car. I don’t think he makes enough money. Chances are, you’ve been there, done that. And if so, you may have walked away from what could have been a great date because your inner critic got the best of you. While you may think your inner critic is merely pointing out relationship red flags, what it’s really doing is sabotaging your ability to get to know someone new; someone who could be a great guy if you gave yourself a chance to get to know him. You owe it to yourself to turn the volume down on your inner critic, pay attention to the person you’re on a date with, and then decide for yourself if you’d like to see him again. By muting your inner critic, you may just discover you’re a better judge of character.

Do: Have fun

In your quest to meet your partner, you may sometimes lose sight of the fact that dating is supposed to be fun. Yes, it takes a lot of time, energy, and patience. But that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the process. If you’re feeling particularly stressed about dating, maybe it’s time to take a brief break. Focus your energies elsewhere for a while; on work, a hobby, or just on nurturing yourself. When you’re ready, get back out there. But first adopt a more Zen approach to dating. Enjoy getting to know new people without worrying about where it’s leading or if he’s The One. By enjoying your dating journey, you’re all the more likely to attract a healthy and happy partner because you yourself are happy and healthy.

Don’t: Look at being single as a bad thing

Be honest — does being single sometimes feel like a life sentence you’re forced to endure? If so, don’t be surprised if you’re attracting like-minded individuals or not attracting anyone at all. This kind of negative thinking is both dangerous and defeating to your dating efforts. After all, would you want to date someone who hated being single?

Do: Become a successful single

The key to enjoying your social life as a savvy single is to relish in the possibilities. You have yet to meet the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with and that’s fantastic! By being footloose and fancy free, you have the opportunity to meet and date and try on different partners until you find the right fit. While not every person you date is going to be right for you, by playing the field you exponentially increase your chances of meeting that perfect person. By becoming a successful single and enjoying the quality of your life in general, you’re bound to attract like-minded healthy and happy partners — maybe even Mr. Right.

When Harry Met Sally: Unhappily Ever After

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 am

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Here’s another fun story from The Breakup Chronicles’ archive…

I love the movie When Harry Met Sally. LOVE it. But I don’t buy the ending. Probably because I lived the real ending. The one that didn’t test well with audiences. The one where they don’t end up together. This is my When Harry Met Sally: Unhappily Ever After.

I met Mr. Ex my freshman year of college. I remember our first conversation in English Comp. He was talking to another girl in the class about his girlfriend back East. They were high school sweethearts, and even though she was thousands of miles away, attending college on the alternate coast, they were staying together. I told him it would never work. He looked at me like I was the biggest bitch he’d ever met. Instantly, we became friends.

I was right. The relationship didn’t last until Christmas. But it was just as well. She was sleeping with somebody else. And he was trying to screw everything in a skirt. Despite his horn dog tendencies, I loved him. We were similar in a lot of ways. Creative, driven, insecure, fun-loving, big drinkers. We bonded over beers, one night stands, and the occasional homework assignment. He was a wonderful writer. It was effortless for him. While I would stay up all night, agonizing over two pages of prose, he would whip something up between classes and it would blow my mind.

He went through girlfriends like I went through Snackwell cookies. He was well-known across our college campus for being outgoing, fun, and a total player unwilling or unable to settle down. And while he knew the name of almost every girl on campus, I was one of the elite few he confided in. Only I knew his insecurities about the future, his financial woes, his family issues. Even most of our friends didn’t know these things. We just had that kind of a connection. And thankfully, we weren’t attracted to each other, so there was no sexual tension between us. Until our senior year.

I chalked it up to Senior Mayhem. That frenzy of feelings and fiascos that occur during senior years in colleges across the country when life is so crazy that you just don’t care about tomorrow. One drunken night we kissed. Then another night it happened again. Then he started kissing me every time he saw me. And spending the night. Or vice versa. It was never much more than a good makeout session. I didn’t want to let it go any further. Yet somehow in the fray, I found myself falling in love with him.

Then we slept together.

And just like that, things changed, just as they had for Harry and Sally. But they changed in different ways for both of us. I found myself head over heels in love with him. As for Mr. Ex, he could only obsess about his disappointing performance. I couldn’t see straight, he couldn’t wait to see the girl next door. Or down the street. Or around the corner.

For the first time in our history, he fell in love with someone else. And broke my heart.

I knew it was for the best. A player like that could never settle down. But he wasn’t supposed to stop being my friend just because of one night, right? And yet that’s what was happening. I was losing him. Fast.

The honest ending to When Harry Met Sally is that Harry never goes to the New Years Eve ball to profess his love for Sally. Instead, he tells his brother that he gave Sally a lousy lay, and his brother, who’s in town for Harry and Sally’s graduation, tries to make it up to Sally by hitting on her. And Sally, in typical high maintenance fashion, throws a drunken temper tantrum in the middle of their last college party in front of the one nice guy she’s met in four years. And the next day, hung over or maybe even still drunk, Harry and Sally graduate from college and never see one another again. And that’s too bad. Because they were the only ones in the big bad city who really knew each other.

The End.

Post Script – Harry and Sally go their separate ways. They fall in love with other people. They live their lives. They have fulfilling careers and drive nice cars and maybe even get married and have children. With other people. But let’s face it. That’s not what audiences want to see. We want the Hollywood ending. We need it. Which is why Harry ditched Mallomars and the Knicks on New Years Eve to chase down Sally. Because it tests well.

An Exercise In Exorcism: Delete your ex from your online and offline life

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 25, 2009 - 7:00 am

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Struggling to heal your heart? Still connected to your ex? Whether you know it or not, to accelerate the healing process you need to completely remove your ex from your online and off-line life. Here’s how:

Make a list of all the ways you still need to completely delete your ex from your online and offline life. Include things like:

Remove him from my social networking sites
Delete his phone number from my cell phone
Delete his fave programs from TiVo
Replace the photos of us in my computer screen saver to photos of me with friends
Take him off my car insurance policy

One by one, check off every item on the list. Good luck and happy healing!

Heal Your Heart in Just 21 Days, Week #3

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 24, 2009 - 7:00 am

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Welcome to Week #3 of your crash course in healing your heart in just 21 days based on my upcoming book IT’S A BREAKUP, NOT A BREAKDOWN WORKBOOK:A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him (available May 19). Now that you’re 2/3 of the way through the program, are you starting to feel the momentum? Let’s jump into week #3…

Day 15: Get a post-breakup makeover

Right about now you just might feel like you’re hitting your saucy post-breakup stride. If so, fabulous! If not, don’t despair. Today’s the day to celebrate your resilience by getting a much-needed movin’ on makeover. Get glam with a new cut, color, & highlights. Stop by your fave boutique and shop til you drop. Make an appointment at the makeup counter and get a new look.

Day 16: Reinvent yourself

Whether you know it or not, a brand-new you is emerging. It’s up to you to make room for her transformation. Today’s the day to let down your hair, shake your inner goddess loose, and let the REAL reinvention begin!

Day 17: Shake up your routine

Even though your ex is long gone, memories of him may still linger. Now’s the time to shake up your routine in hopes of shaking those memories loose. Take a different route to and from work today. Shop at a different grocery store for a day. Get your latte at a new coffee place. It’s time to shake things up as you ease into movin’ on mode!

Day 18: Start a healthy new habit

Since the split, you’ve been getting healthier by the day. Today is no exception. In fact, you’re gonna rock it even harder today by starting a healthy new habit. Whether it’s eating more vegetables, getting back to the gym, quitting smoking, or practicing positive affirmations, today’s the day to introduce a healthy new habit to your daily routine.

Day 19: Enroll in Single U

While it may be too soon to start searching for your next great love, it’s never too soon to embrace successful singledom. Sign up for a singles event. Enlist a friend to take some cute pics of you and then create your online dating profile. Flirt with a cute stranger today. Do whatever it takes to remind yourself that you’re still lovable and desirable.

Day 20: An ex marks the plot

Now that you’ve got a little breakup perspective, are you able to see how life after Mr. Ex is going to be so much sweeter? You have a better idea of what you’re looking for in a future partner, you now know what you won’t put up with, and you’ve probably even thought about new directions you’d like to pursue now that you’re on your own again.

Day 21: Celebrate your success

After 21 days, do you feel lighter, stronger, healthier? Now is the time to celebrate by throwing yourself a fabulous movin’ on party. Invite your Boo-hoo Crew-turned-Woo-hoo Crew and party like it’s 2009!

Online Exorcism: How to remove your ex from your cyber life

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 23, 2009 - 7:00 am

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Removing your ex from your online life may not be an easy thing for you to do, but it’s absolutely essential to your happily ever after future. Even if you just start the process today, that’s a step in the right direction. That’s all I ask. The more you do, the better. But if baby steps are necessary, then baby steps it is. And if you need moral support, recruit a friend to sit down with you at the computer and go step-by-step through the process together.

Depending on how intertwined you and your ex’s online lives were, you may or may not need to take every step in the following exorcism. However, I’ve tried to be as thorough as possible. If something doesn’t apply to your situation, skip it and move on.

Step #1: Remove your ex from your friends list on all of your social networking sites

The best way to start your online exorcism is to sign into all of the social networking sites you use (MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, etc.) and remove your ex from your friends/contacts lists. The good news is that you don’t even have to tell your ex you’re deleting him. In fact, don’t. It’s none of his business, and since these sites don’t alert someone when you’ve removed them, he won’t know when – or if – you did it.

Step #2: Delete your ex’s email address from your online address book

Next, log into your email and remove your ex’s address from your contacts. I know this may seem harsh, but you don’t need it anymore. Plus, this will help you avoid the tragic setback of emailing him in a weak moment just say hi, telling him you miss him, or trying to set up a booty call. Right here and now, do yourself a huge favor and delete his email address. Today. (Seriously!)

Step #3: Remove your ex from your instant messaging friends list

The next order of business is to extricate your ex from your instant messaging contacts list. Sign into whatever instant messenger program you use (Yahoo, MSN, AOL, Trillian, etc.), right click on your ex’s username, select Delete, and if the option allows, choose Delete from Address Book, too. That way, you don’t have to obsess every time you see your ex online, wondering what he’s up to and/or who he’s instant messaging with.

Breaking Up Your Finances: How to Untangle Your Lives After Heartbreak

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 22, 2009 - 7:00 am

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Breakups aren’t just about the end of a romantic pairing. There are numerous financial, legal, and business decisions that may need to be addressed. If you and your ex share bank accounts or other assets, you’ll need to come to an agreement about how to divide the money/other assets and then contact the relevant banking/other institution(s) to find out how to legally proceed. Again, it’s important to keep a level head about these things and not act out of anger, spite, or bitterness. These are financial decisions. Respect yourself as well as your ex, and be fair throughout the process (no matter how much you want to punch him in the face!).

You may also need to identify others ways your lives became intertwined. Car insurance, health insurance, retirement plans, credit cards, personal loans, household bills, etc. These are all potential accounts and/or policies that you and your ex may currently share. When you breakup, it’s essential that you remove the other person from each and every one of these items. If you don’t, one or more of the following scenarios could come back to haunt you in the future:

- You get turned down for a home or car loan because your ex, still attached to an account you shared while you were together, negatively affected your credit.

- Because you never removed your name (or your ex’s) from an account, a collection agency comes after you for a debt your ex never paid.

- By not taking your ex off your health insurance policy, you become financially responsible (and ultimately financially drained) for a medical emergency they encounter weeks, months, years down the road.

- If you die in an accident and haven’t changed the beneficiary on your assets (your home, retirement plan, savings account), your ex can possibly claim those assets, leaving a rightful heir with nothing.

As uncomfortable as conversations about money, property, and other assets can be when going through a breakup, you must have these difficult discussions if they apply to you and your ex’s situation. Do your best to broach the subject with fairness and compassion, and insist that your ex does the same. Obviously, the situation becomes stickier if and when one of you uses the unresolved issues as a way to seek revenge, hold on to the other person, or prolong the separation process. If you feel that things are getting out of control, you may need to involve a mediator. Trust your gut about the situation and proceed with the necessary caution.

Surviving a Breakup

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 21, 2009 - 7:00 am

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Women weigh in on their Top 5 essentials for getting over a breakup…

Friends

Boyfriends come and go, but girlfriends are forever! Our girlfriends hold our hands, make us laugh, and see us thru even the toughest heart traumas. Let’s hear it for the ladies!

Comfort Food

Chocolate may top the list, but other must-have comfort foods include pudding, mashed potatoes, ice cream, wine, and cookies. Believe it or not, vegetables do not make the list.

Physical Activity

Maybe we’re just trying to work off all the cookies. Or maybe it’s the revenge factor. But nothing helps us heal quite like an intense workout regimen that kicks up our endorphins and trims our thighs.

TLC

When going thru a breakup, it’s important to treat your tender psyche to a day of pampering. A day at the spa, a relaxing bubble bath, or even just some snuggling with your 4 legged friends will do the trick!

Time

While there are no quick fixes, nothing works like good old fashioned time and space. So allow yourself to wallow, get mad, cry, pout, binge, and eventually, you’ll move on.

The Benefits of Breaking Up

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 20, 2009 - 7:00 am

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You know the story about the single girl who never dated, never had a relationship until one day she met the man of her dreams, got married, had children, and lived happily ever after?

Neither do I.

The truth is, dating is a numbers game and you’ve gotta be in it to win it. Which means that along the way, you’re going to experience a breakup or two. So the next time you’re out there in the dating trenches and experience a breakup, remember that in addition to the disappointment, there are plenty of benefits to breaking up.

Benefit #1: Practice Makes Perfect

Once upon a time, breakups were considered a taboo topic. But in 2009, they’re like badges of honor that every savvy single must endure. After all, how are you going to know what you really want in life and love without experiencing a little bit of what you DON’T want? After each breakup, you get the opportunity to evaluate your last relationship for its good and bad qualities and decide how that’s going to shape the type of partner you pursue moving forward. Without the breakup, you’d never get these opportunities.

Benefit #2: The Value Of “Me” Time

Another benefit of breaking up? The opportunity to put the focus of your life back on you – your wants, your needs, your desires. While relationships can be amazing and love can feed your soul, there’s also something incredibly freeing and fabulous about being on your own. By really knowing who you are as an individual, you have the opportunity to create and live an authentic life. In doing so, you’re that much more likely to attract your perfect partner. And along the way, you’re free to celebrate your fabulous self!

Benefit #3: Celebrating Friendship

Over the course of your single and fabulous life, romantic relationships will come and go. But friendships? They stand the test of time. And there’s no better time to celebrate your friendships than between breakups. It’s your friends who help you heal. Your friends who remind you why your ex wasn’t good for you, and why they’re definitely not worth pining over now. While you should never let friendships slide when you’re in a relationship, after a breakup is the perfect time to reconnect, renew, and rejoice in your friends.

Benefit #4: Discovering Your Own Resilience

Oftentimes, in the throes of a bad breakup, you question your ability to survive. Occasionally, you even mistakenly think that your innate fabulousness is somehow tied to our ex and without them, you are nothing. The beauty of going through a breakup or two (or ten) is in discovering your ability to not only survive but thrive on your own two feet. In awakening to your own resilience, you discover how fabulous you really are. And that’s worth a little heartache, don’t you think?

E-venge: What Not To Do Following Your Breakup

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 19, 2009 - 7:00 am

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After a breakup, especially a bitter breakup, it may be tempting to defame your ex online by blogging about the breakup, filming a post-breakup rant and putting it on YouTube, or spreading vicious rumors about your ex to everyone you know. DON’T DO IT. While the initial euphoria of redemption may feel fabulous, the resulting repercussions can be detrimental to your recovery. Your ex may retaliate, your friends may turn on you, and/or you may even sabotage a future relationship because the person you’re interested in discovers your online rant and determines that you’re cuckoo for cocoa puffs. Trust me, it’s just not worth it!

Instead, focus on your healing. Practice self nurturing behavior. And let go of your need to get closure, get revenge, or worst of all, get back together.