Think your breakup was bad? Curl up with your fellow breakup survivors to find out how other people got the boot…
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 27, 2009 - 7:00 am
“My ex broke up with me while I was out serving jury duty. He wrote me a one page letter and left it on my kitchen table so that I could see it when I got home from court. While I was in court serving jury duty, he was packing his things in his suitcase getting ready to go to the airport to fly from NYC to CA (where he is originally from). Later that afternoon I came home to find this one page letter and an empty apartment. He is such a coward. He never even called me up to at least say sorry. We were in a relationship for over three years! I at least deserve an explanation. What I got was another really long letter via email a day later.â€
- Brooke
“I had been in a four year relationship with a guy whom I fell in love with in almost an instant. While I was pregnant with his baby, I found out that he was hiding a serious drug problem from me. I helped him through detox and stuck by him through all of it. About seven months ago he cheated on me and again I forgave him. But in the end I had to break up because he got into harder drugs and I couldn’t have my baby being around all that. I am trying to get over this and be strong but the truth is, no matter how you break up or what it is over it still hurts!â€
- Cherry
“Mr. Ex and I dated for almost a year and everything was great! We did everything together and had so much fun. He would shower me with beautiful gifts and I fell deeply in love with him. Then just last month we went to Vegas for vacation. We had the best time! But when we got back, he told me he wanted to explore his options and date other people. I cried for three weeks straight.â€
- Carla
“When he can’t tell you everything, when he keeps his phone calls, emails and chats “too private,†when you have that gut feeling in your stomach that something’s not right – more often than not you are right! Trust issues are the worst obstacles. I should know! If you don’t trust your partner, you’ll find yourself too tired of playing Private Investigator all the time. End it while you still have your dignity intact. It’s hard but it’s the only way.â€
- Lydia
“I was engaged to be married in September 2008. We were together 5 years. Everything for the wedding was done and we had bought a house. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who I helped raise from the time she was 7. In March 2009, 2 weeks before my shower, he decided that he didn’t think it was going to work. He just called the whole thing off. Five months after what would have been our wedding day, he married another woman and had a baby six months later. As much as I hurt, I now realize how lucky I am. Marrying that liar would have been my biggest mistake.â€
- Jasmine
An Exercise In Exorcism: Delete your ex from your online and offline life
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 25, 2009 - 7:00 am
Struggling to heal your heart? Still connected to your ex? Whether you know it or not, to accelerate the healing process you need to completely remove your ex from your online and off-line life. Here’s how:
Make a list of all the ways you still need to completely delete your ex from your online and offline life. Include things like:
Remove him from my social networking sites
Delete his phone number from my cell phone
Delete his fave programs from TiVo
Replace the photos of us in my computer screen saver to photos of me with friends
Take him off my car insurance policy
One by one, check off every item on the list. Good luck and happy healing!
Heal Your Heart in Just 21 Days, Week #3
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 24, 2009 - 7:00 am
Welcome to Week #3 of your crash course in healing your heart in just 21 days based on my upcoming book IT’S A BREAKUP, NOT A BREAKDOWN WORKBOOK:A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him (available May 19). Now that you’re 2/3 of the way through the program, are you starting to feel the momentum? Let’s jump into week #3…
Day 15: Get a post-breakup makeover
Right about now you just might feel like you’re hitting your saucy post-breakup stride. If so, fabulous! If not, don’t despair. Today’s the day to celebrate your resilience by getting a much-needed movin’ on makeover. Get glam with a new cut, color, & highlights. Stop by your fave boutique and shop til you drop. Make an appointment at the makeup counter and get a new look.
Day 16: Reinvent yourself
Whether you know it or not, a brand-new you is emerging. It’s up to you to make room for her transformation. Today’s the day to let down your hair, shake your inner goddess loose, and let the REAL reinvention begin!
Day 17: Shake up your routine
Even though your ex is long gone, memories of him may still linger. Now’s the time to shake up your routine in hopes of shaking those memories loose. Take a different route to and from work today. Shop at a different grocery store for a day. Get your latte at a new coffee place. It’s time to shake things up as you ease into movin’ on mode!
Day 18: Start a healthy new habit
Since the split, you’ve been getting healthier by the day. Today is no exception. In fact, you’re gonna rock it even harder today by starting a healthy new habit. Whether it’s eating more vegetables, getting back to the gym, quitting smoking, or practicing positive affirmations, today’s the day to introduce a healthy new habit to your daily routine.
Day 19: Enroll in Single U
While it may be too soon to start searching for your next great love, it’s never too soon to embrace successful singledom. Sign up for a singles event. Enlist a friend to take some cute pics of you and then create your online dating profile. Flirt with a cute stranger today. Do whatever it takes to remind yourself that you’re still lovable and desirable.
Day 20: An ex marks the plot
Now that you’ve got a little breakup perspective, are you able to see how life after Mr. Ex is going to be so much sweeter? You have a better idea of what you’re looking for in a future partner, you now know what you won’t put up with, and you’ve probably even thought about new directions you’d like to pursue now that you’re on your own again.
Day 21: Celebrate your success
After 21 days, do you feel lighter, stronger, healthier? Now is the time to celebrate by throwing yourself a fabulous movin’ on party. Invite your Boo-hoo Crew-turned-Woo-hoo Crew and party like it’s 2009!
Online Exorcism: How to remove your ex from your cyber life
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 23, 2009 - 7:00 am
Removing your ex from your online life may not be an easy thing for you to do, but it’s absolutely essential to your happily ever after future. Even if you just start the process today, that’s a step in the right direction. That’s all I ask. The more you do, the better. But if baby steps are necessary, then baby steps it is. And if you need moral support, recruit a friend to sit down with you at the computer and go step-by-step through the process together.
Depending on how intertwined you and your ex’s online lives were, you may or may not need to take every step in the following exorcism. However, I’ve tried to be as thorough as possible. If something doesn’t apply to your situation, skip it and move on.
Step #1: Remove your ex from your friends list on all of your social networking sites
The best way to start your online exorcism is to sign into all of the social networking sites you use (MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, etc.) and remove your ex from your friends/contacts lists. The good news is that you don’t even have to tell your ex you’re deleting him. In fact, don’t. It’s none of his business, and since these sites don’t alert someone when you’ve removed them, he won’t know when – or if – you did it.
Step #2: Delete your ex’s email address from your online address book
Next, log into your email and remove your ex’s address from your contacts. I know this may seem harsh, but you don’t need it anymore. Plus, this will help you avoid the tragic setback of emailing him in a weak moment just say hi, telling him you miss him, or trying to set up a booty call. Right here and now, do yourself a huge favor and delete his email address. Today. (Seriously!)
Step #3: Remove your ex from your instant messaging friends list
The next order of business is to extricate your ex from your instant messaging contacts list. Sign into whatever instant messenger program you use (Yahoo, MSN, AOL, Trillian, etc.), right click on your ex’s username, select Delete, and if the option allows, choose Delete from Address Book, too. That way, you don’t have to obsess every time you see your ex online, wondering what he’s up to and/or who he’s instant messaging with.
Surviving a Breakup
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 21, 2009 - 7:00 am
Women weigh in on their Top 5 essentials for getting over a breakup…
Friends
Boyfriends come and go, but girlfriends are forever! Our girlfriends hold our hands, make us laugh, and see us thru even the toughest heart traumas. Let’s hear it for the ladies!
Comfort Food
Chocolate may top the list, but other must-have comfort foods include pudding, mashed potatoes, ice cream, wine, and cookies. Believe it or not, vegetables do not make the list.
Physical Activity
Maybe we’re just trying to work off all the cookies. Or maybe it’s the revenge factor. But nothing helps us heal quite like an intense workout regimen that kicks up our endorphins and trims our thighs.
TLC
When going thru a breakup, it’s important to treat your tender psyche to a day of pampering. A day at the spa, a relaxing bubble bath, or even just some snuggling with your 4 legged friends will do the trick!
Time
While there are no quick fixes, nothing works like good old fashioned time and space. So allow yourself to wallow, get mad, cry, pout, binge, and eventually, you’ll move on.
The Benefits of Breaking Up
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 20, 2009 - 7:00 am
You know the story about the single girl who never dated, never had a relationship until one day she met the man of her dreams, got married, had children, and lived happily ever after?
Neither do I.
The truth is, dating is a numbers game and you’ve gotta be in it to win it. Which means that along the way, you’re going to experience a breakup or two. So the next time you’re out there in the dating trenches and experience a breakup, remember that in addition to the disappointment, there are plenty of benefits to breaking up.
Benefit #1: Practice Makes Perfect
Once upon a time, breakups were considered a taboo topic. But in 2009, they’re like badges of honor that every savvy single must endure. After all, how are you going to know what you really want in life and love without experiencing a little bit of what you DON’T want? After each breakup, you get the opportunity to evaluate your last relationship for its good and bad qualities and decide how that’s going to shape the type of partner you pursue moving forward. Without the breakup, you’d never get these opportunities.
Benefit #2: The Value Of “Me†Time
Another benefit of breaking up? The opportunity to put the focus of your life back on you – your wants, your needs, your desires. While relationships can be amazing and love can feed your soul, there’s also something incredibly freeing and fabulous about being on your own. By really knowing who you are as an individual, you have the opportunity to create and live an authentic life. In doing so, you’re that much more likely to attract your perfect partner. And along the way, you’re free to celebrate your fabulous self!
Benefit #3: Celebrating Friendship
Over the course of your single and fabulous life, romantic relationships will come and go. But friendships? They stand the test of time. And there’s no better time to celebrate your friendships than between breakups. It’s your friends who help you heal. Your friends who remind you why your ex wasn’t good for you, and why they’re definitely not worth pining over now. While you should never let friendships slide when you’re in a relationship, after a breakup is the perfect time to reconnect, renew, and rejoice in your friends.
Benefit #4: Discovering Your Own Resilience
Oftentimes, in the throes of a bad breakup, you question your ability to survive. Occasionally, you even mistakenly think that your innate fabulousness is somehow tied to our ex and without them, you are nothing. The beauty of going through a breakup or two (or ten) is in discovering your ability to not only survive but thrive on your own two feet. In awakening to your own resilience, you discover how fabulous you really are. And that’s worth a little heartache, don’t you think?
E-venge: What Not To Do Following Your Breakup
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 19, 2009 - 7:00 am
After a breakup, especially a bitter breakup, it may be tempting to defame your ex online by blogging about the breakup, filming a post-breakup rant and putting it on YouTube, or spreading vicious rumors about your ex to everyone you know. DON’T DO IT. While the initial euphoria of redemption may feel fabulous, the resulting repercussions can be detrimental to your recovery. Your ex may retaliate, your friends may turn on you, and/or you may even sabotage a future relationship because the person you’re interested in discovers your online rant and determines that you’re cuckoo for cocoa puffs. Trust me, it’s just not worth it!
Instead, focus on your healing. Practice self nurturing behavior. And let go of your need to get closure, get revenge, or worst of all, get back together.
Recovery Setback Alert: Memories of “Usâ€
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 18, 2009 - 7:00 am
Throughout your recovery, you may feel challenged by moments when memories of your ex come flooding back. You start thinking about all the good times you shared together. You wonder what happened to those good times. And you worry about who might have good times with your ex in the future. It’s only natural. If and when you feel those surges of loss, pain, and sadness, don’t beat yourself up. Instead, take a few deep breaths, let yourself feel whatever emotions arise, and remind yourself that this, too, will pass. If you need a good cry, find the nearest private place (your car, your bed, your office with the door closed) and shed those tears. Then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back to healing your heart. Whether you know it or not, you are making progress. You just have to keep going. When in doubt, ask your Boo-hoo Crew for help.
Heal Your Heart in Just 21 Days, Week #2
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 17, 2009 - 11:00 am
Welcome to Week #2 of your crash course in healing your heart in just 21 days based on my upcoming book IT’S A BREAKUP, NOT A BREAKDOWN WORKBOOK:A 21-Day Action Plan to Plot Your Revenge, Spoil Yourself, and Find Out How Good Your Life Is Without Him (available May 19). Let’s dive in and kick start the healing process…
Day 8: Announce your breakup
Now that you’re in touch with your post-breakup rage, it’s time to tell the world all the dishy details. Call and/or email your friends and vent about your ex and the breakup. Don’t stop there — go online and update your social networking profile(s) with your newly single status. You can even let off some steam by sharing your story on a breakup message board. This is one time when airing your dirty laundry in public is the right thing to do (just don’t name names!).
Day 9: Disappear for a day
Just as you wish your ex would disappear, today’s the day to create your own missing persons report. Call in sick to work, pack a backpack full of goodies, and get lost for the day — without your cell phone. From getting back to nature with a day at the beach, lake, or park to museum or movie hopping, pick an activity that soothes your soul and then get lost.
Day 10: Reclaim your space
Now that you’re getting used to the idea that the breakup actually happened, it’s time to exorcise your ex from your home. You’ll want to make a clean sweep, gathering any remaining evidence of his existence (photos, clothes, shampoo, etc.). Put all his leftover stuff in a box and put the box in your car. You can decide later whether to burn it, donate it, or sell it on eBay. Once the exorcism is complete, it’s time to give your home a much-needed makeover. Paint the walls vibrant colors, rearrange the furniture, celebrate your inner girly girl!
Day 11: The Halfway Hump Slump
Now that you’re halfway through your detox, you may be feeling a little disoriented. Today’s the day to identify any remaining toxins in your system, as well as make a plan for purging the leftover demons.
Day 12: Dump your slump
Channel your inner super heroine and dump that post-breakup slump! Say sayonara to the past and yes to your fab future, sans What’s his name. Whether you know it or not, your reinvention is under way!
Day 13: Take a flying leap
Remember that fabulously fun and fierce girl your ex fell in love with? Now’s the time to reconnect with her. Look in the mirror and just say hi. Ask her how she’s doing. Find out what she feels like doing today and then no matter how self-indulgent it is, do it. It’s time to take that flying leap into your future!
Day 14: Plan a girl getaway
The absolute best thing about going through a breakup is the opportunity to reconnect with old friends. After all, boyfriends come and go but girlfriends are forever. And now’s the time to celebrate your girlfriends with a Girl Getaway or Ladies Night out — you decide. Wherever you end up going, give yourself permission to be a little risqué. Wear something revealing. Flirt with a total stranger. Tip your waiter 25% AND slip him your phone number. Behaving inappropriately for a night can be so liberating!
An Exercise In Exorcism: Write Your Ex a Letter
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 am
Want to accelerate your healing process? In the coming weeks, I’m going to be sharing with you some incredibly valuable exercises for exorcising your ex.
Today, I invite you to write him a letter. Don’t worry, you’re never going to send it. Give yourself permission to be as scathing and vindictive as you like. Be cruel, critical, and crazy. Don’t worry about sparing anyone’s feelings — you’re not sending the letter. So go ahead, channel all that inner angst out onto the page. You’ll feel better once you do.
Need help? Here are some opening lines to get you started…
To the Jerk Formerly Known As INSERT NAME,
Dear Asshole,
Hey Mama’s Boy,
Yo, Shit for Brains,
To the Scumbag Who Broke My Heart,
Again, the point of this exercise is to help you heal. So go ahead, let loose! Engage your rage. And no matter how tempting it seems, don’t send the letter.
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