Help! My ex is giving me mixed messages…
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 10, 2009 - 7:09 am
Missy writes: “My boyfriend and I broke up. It came out of the blue. He’d told me he’d loved me for the past 5 years and then went away one weekend and in 4 days was over me. I am heart broken. We had planned a life together. We work together and share the same group of friends so I have to see him everyday. I am able to hold it together (around him) but he is starting to send mixed signals and they get more confusing everyday. For example, telling me how good I look, staring at me constantly, brushing up against me, and now he even offered to drive me to a staff dinner he wasn’t even going to. I’m totally confused. He says he wants to be friends but his actions are saying something different and I keep getting my hopes up that he will come back.”
Lisa says: I feel your pain! As someone who has been there, i.e. trying to stay friends with the ex after a breakup, and having to see him every day at the office, I know how difficult it is. Plus, you’re dealing with disappointment and loss. The key to your survival during this difficult time is that you must create new boundaries with your ex. He is going to test those boundaries constantly (don’t let him – he can flirt with you and still move on. As a woman, it’s trickier!) You have to be strong enough to call him on his inappropriate behavior (brushing up against you, offering you a ride, etc.). That is absolutely unacceptable. Your relationship has changed. He no longer gets to check you out, give you compliments, invade your space, etc. It’s time to change the dynamic. You can remain friendly, but for now, you cannot be friends. That’s an important distinction to make. From now on, only discuss work related matters, and anything else that you have to talk about. Don’t talk about how you’re handling the breakup, if you’re moving on, if you’re dating other people. Your ex may be sending you mixed signals, but it’s up to you to decode them and say Enough!
Good luck and happy healing!
When in doubt, grab a copy of these rockin’ resources:
It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good!
If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right
Change starts with Y-O-U
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 9, 2009 - 7:22 am
I recently received this breakup story from a girl who may have learned her lessons the hard way, but now understands that change starts with her. You know what they say — hindsight is always 2020…
“I started seeing this guy after leaving a very dangerous and rocky relationship. He was the best and it was something that I have never experenced before. After about 4 months, out of the blue he ended things and got with someone else. When we broke up, I tried to understand why and what I did wrong. I eventually had to realize that I didn’t do anything wrong. I did everything I was supposed to do. I loved him with all I had. He kept me strung along for months. We would talk on a normal basis and he felt that he needed to check up on me. Of course when his new girlfriend broke up with him, he came running to me and to my bed. I let him in and continued to do so until one day I woke up and realized that I had to stop. I cut him out of my life completely because it wasn’t worth going through the hurt again. I refused to be the bed warmer and the shoulder to cry on. He came to me because he knew that I had a soft place in my heart for him and he used me and I allowed it to happen but I put an end to it. One day he will realize that he had it all with me and by then it will be too late.”
– A Recovered Heart in the Heartland
Are Bad Love Habits Keeping You from Finding the Love of Your Life?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 7, 2009 - 7:24 am
In the search for love, it’s easy to get sidetracked by bad dates, broken hearts, and bad love habits. And while bad dates and broken hearts are part of the journey toward happily ever after, bad love habits can and should be avoided at all costs.
So what’s a bad love habit? Any dysfunctional, destructive, difficult notion you have about love and relationships is a bad love habit. The following are some common ones:
â–¡ Do you choose potential partners who are incapable of meeting your emotional needs?
â–¡ Do you think love have to be difficult, painful, and/or hard?
â–¡ Do you think your potential partner is going to fix whatever it is that you don’t like about yourself or your life?
â–¡ Do you believe time is running out on your search for love and/or your chance to have children?
The following are some simple and effective ways to kick any bad love habit:
Asess your excess baggage
First, it’s important to get honest with yourself about what you might be lugging around with you on dates. What are you holding onto that no longer serves you? Rejection, disappointment, betrayal? This is from your past, not your present or future. It’s probably time to let go of that excess baggage.
Dump your excess baggage
In order to have a happily ever after future, you have to first believe you deserve one. Gather those painful memories, that chip on your shoulder, any residual anger from past relationship experiences, and tell them they’ve got to go. Thank them for the lessons you’ve learned and tell them that it’s now time for you to stand on your own 2 feet. In your mind’s eye, give them the heave ho!
Stop putting off your life and/or personal happiness
So many of us put off personal happiness waiting for some external result like “I’ll be happy when I lose weight, when I pay off my debts, when I get a better job,” etc. The truth is, you deserve to enjoy your fabulously imperfect life right this very minute! When you stop putting off happiness, you start attracting happy people, healthy relationships, exciting opportunities. Instead of postponing joy until something external happens, celebrate joy in your everyday life.
Embrace a new dating vocabulary
Now that you’re baggage light, it’s time to introduce a new vocabulary to your dating belief system. Every morning and night for 30 days, practice the following exercise: Say to yourself “Love/dating/my ideal relationship is ____.” And then fill in the blank with the appropriate words. (Words like healthy, whole, loving, fun, etc.) By creating a new vocabulary for yourself, you may be surprised at how your outlook on dating and relationships changes too, and as a result, you may start attracting happier and healthier potential partners.
For more info on breaking free of bad love habits, get a copy of my e-book Bad Love No More: How to kick limiting relationship beliefs to the curb and say yes to real and lasting love.
Top 5 Reasons You Must Enlist in Breakup Boot Camp
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 5, 2009 - 6:28 am
Are you struggling to heal your heart and move on with your life? Do you feel haunted by what could have been? Is your ex making your life miserable by either calling all the time or not calling at all? If you’re stuck, obsessing, and in tremendous pain, it’s time to enlist in my 8 Week Breakup Boot Camp. Here are the top five reasons to enlist:
1. If you’re still crying every day, still sleeping on your side of the bed, still wearing your ex’s smelly T-shirt to bed.
2. If you’re cyberstalking your ex on Facebook, My Space, Twitter, etc., unable to disconnect.
3. If you’re hung up on the idea that your ex’s future is destined for greatness and happiness while you’re doomed to be miserable and alone forever.
4. If you’re feeling forced to reinvent yourself and/or your life at an age and time you never expected, and are so overwhelmed by the idea that you’re paralyzed.
5. If you know that life will never be the same again, that you can never be in this much pain again, and yet you feel powerless to pull yourself together, heal your heart, and move on with your life.
If any of the above resonate with you, you need to enlist in my 8 Week Breakup Boot Camp. For all the details, click here. Space is limited, and class begins Wednesday, March 18.
Got Ex Jewelry? Check out Exboyfriendjewelry.com!
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 3, 2009 - 8:03 am
If you’ve recently gone through a breakup and have some ex-boyfriend bling to ditch, check out exboyfriendjewelry.com. I love this site! Basically, if you’ve got jewelry from an ex cluttering up your life and don’t want to get ripped off by a pawn shop, this is the place to go. You can buy/sell/trade your jewelry and blog about your breakup (so therapeutic!). They’ve even got a place for you to donate the money you make from your ex-boyfriend jewelry to breast cancer charities. Breaking free from your ex’s memory AND donating to a good cause? Love that!
Mind you, my ex’s were too cheap to give jewelry. But don’t think that’s going to stop me from perusing the site, picking up some sparkly bling, and helping a fellow breakup survivor move on. This is so pay it forward! I love, love, love it.
Here’s that link again: http://www.exboyfriendjewelry.com/
Enjoy!
