The Worst Idea: Going back
Submitted by katrina on February 28, 2009 - 6:18 am
Contributor Katrina revists a big no-no…
It has been many many months since I have written. Something I should have done much more of. I wrote 2 entries, telling my story and one following some progress back in October last year. I made it 6 months without talking or seeing Mr Ex. 6 months! I thought I was in the clear!!
4 months ago, it was late November, I received a huge, 2 page email spilling out all of the emotion Mr Ex said he had been keeping to himself since we split up. And all my efforts, all my strength crumbled. First I called and we chatted for a bit. Then one night (after a few glasses of wine) I text messaged him which lead to our meeting up. Then for the past 4 months we were back seeing each other again. He said he had changed. He said how much I meant to him and how much he missed me… And I was stupid enough to believe it.
THEN, Only a week ago, I found out when we were together the first time – sure enough he was cheating on me. Now I’m stuck. I love him so much, despite everything he has done, but I know its the worst and most destructive thing for me to stay with him. My new job that I got while we were appart is now at risk because I have been off sick the past 3 days trying to deal with everything. I’m back in the place I was all those months ago when he first left me. If you can give me any help or advice, please do… Even the strongest of us can have our down fall and I need to get back on my feet.
The best message anyone could ever take from any of this is – NEVER GO BACK!!! Turn away with your head high and never, ever, NEVER look back, THEY ARE NOT WORTH IT – no matter WHAT they say!!!! I achieved so much and got so far – and I should have never given that up for him!!
The Dating Troubles: What are you telling yourself?
Submitted by bridgetloves on February 27, 2009 - 8:16 am
Contributor Bridget Loves contemplates a change in her dating life…
For a very long time I sang the song, “He’s not that into You”. Okay it’s not a song, but it is a very popular book, turned Oprah show, turned big time Hollywood movie with A-list stars. A few months ago when I heard the movie was coming out I jokingly was like omg that is the story of my life! One of my aunts, who is of course too kind and can dole out a little bit of tough love said, um let’s shut that program down now! What are you telling yourself?
I believe in The Secret. You know that new age idea that your thoughts mold and form your life. Emotions are everything and I have read enough books, done enough coaching programs and seen enough results to know. I was unintentionally using my unconscious voice to make sure I stayed very single. Oh yes, and only dated very eligible bachelors who were emotionally unavailable. Oops, I guess that is why I was so mysteriously not in love…
So I made a choice. A choice that affected my entire life. I decided to actively work on some conscious thoughts that were very positive about what I DO want. I know this is definitely rocket science! And the funniest thing happened- my thoughts and dreams started becoming reality. Like almost instantly. It was unreal. I had a few things change in my business ventures going exactly the way I had envisioned (and the way I had been hoping for each day). So this stuff works.
I have been dating super cool very cute guy for a few weeks now. Hey I just changed my ju-ju! And I am convinced I attracted this emotionally available super cool man into my life because of my thoughts. And guess what? He is totally into me.
xo
b
Bridget Loves
Breakup Replay, PLUS 3 great ways to heal your heart!
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on February 26, 2009 - 7:47 am
Were you on tonight’s call? I shared 7 valuable tools for healing and moving on following your breakup. You can implement at least 3 of them today!
I also shared 3 amazing ways to coach with me during your recovery, regardless of your budget, starting at just 9.97!
You can listen to the replay here.
Need breakup support on a budget? Click here to join my Boohoo to Woohoo ongoing teleseries for just $9.97 for the first month.
Ready for REAL results in record time? You need to enlist in my 8 Week Breakup Boot Camp!
Want to work with me privately? On the call, I mention a super crazy coupon code, knocking $750 off private coaching with me, making it insanely affordable to work with me one on one. If you’re ready for real results, act fast by going here.
And enter one of two coupon codes during checkout…
If you want to pay just $1500 for 14 private coaching sessions with me, enter this code during checkout:
reinvention
OR, to break your payment into 3 easy installments (and pay only $50 to get started!), enter this code during checkout: privateVIP
Regardless of your budget, you CAN heal and move on from the pain of your past into your blissful future.
But act fast. I’m only taking on a handful of new private clients (just 5 to be exact!) and Boot Camp is filling up fast. Let’s get started!
The Importance of Listening to Your Gut
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:19 am
How do I know if and when it’s time to break up?
There’s a lot of good in my relationship but the bad is unacceptable. What do I do?
I keep waiting for my partner to make the changes I need. How long do I wait? And what if they never change?
Chances are, at some point in your dating past or present one or more of the above questions has weighed heavily on your mind. The truth is, there’s no one size fits all answer for if and when to breakup. However, your gut knows what you want and need to do. It’s up to you to tune in, listen, and honor what you know is right for you. And while it’s admirable to hang in there, try to work it out, and make the best of your relationship, at some point you need to recognize when it’s better to cut your losses and move on rather than stick it out for another day, week, month, year. The following are some tips to help you tune in to what your gut is really saying.
Know what you want
So often I hear from people who feel they stayed too long in the wrong relationship, only to later regret all that wasted time. The best way to guarantee that you don’t waste time in the wrong relationship is to become clear about what you want before you get into a relationship. That starts with knowing your relationship requirements. What are relationship requirements? They are 10 non-negotiable traits, characteristics, and relationship must-haves that you’ve written down and use to screen potential partners. Even if you’re already in a relationship, go ahead and make your list of 10 non-negotiable requirements. If your current partner or person you’re dating doesn’t meet them (and is incapable of meeting them), that may be a clear indication that this is not the right person for you.
Become a red flag specialist
When we’re dating someone, unless they’re a serious con artist they reveal themselves to us through both words and actions. It’s up to us to pay attention. And it’s equally important to become a red flag specialist. What’s a red flag specialist? Someone who can easily and unemotionally identify a relationship red flag when it’s presented to them. Everyone’s red flags are different, and they’re based on your relationship requirements and core values. If your potential partner is consistently late, that could be a red flag. If your date claims to be smart, together, financially secure, etc., but their actions tell you a different story, your red flag alert system should sound the alarm.
Develop 20/20 vision
Rather than project a fantasy of who you’d like your partner to be, it’s essential that you take off any rose colored goggles you’re wearing and see the people you date for the individuals that they really and truly are. By being clear about your requirements and honing your ability to identify red flags as they are presented to you, you will cut down on wasted dating time and avoid getting into a relationship with someone who doesn’t meet your requirements.
Put a deadline on The Waiting Game
If you’re in a relationship and are waiting for your partner to make some changes (get a job, fix their finances, get out of their funk, etc.) before you decide whether to stay or go, put a deadline on your waiting game. And feel free to communicate the deadline to your partner. Let them know if you don’t see promised changes in a reasonable timeline, you’re not going to just hang around and wait for them to get their act together. You have needs, too, and they don’t involve putting off your life indefinitely while your partner tries to “figure things out.â€
1, 2, 3 strikes you’re out
In baseball, there’s a reason you only get three strikes before you’re out. Otherwise, the game would go on and on, strike after strike, with no end in sight. Dating requires a similar rule — the Three Strikes Rule. If you play by the Three Strikes Rule, you give potential dates a margin of error without feeling taken advantage of. If your date is consistently late, doesn’t call when they say they’re going to, behaves inappropriately, or engages in any other unacceptable dating behavior, you reserve the right to call Strike One. And it’s important that you call them on it so that your strike system is clear. If they repeat the same behavior, Strike Two. And again, reiterate your needs, letting them know you’re not messing around. Strike Three? They’re out. It may sound and/or feel harsh at first, but if you really want to cut down on wasted dating time, you’ll listen to your gut and practice the Three Strikes Rule.
So there you have it. Five important tips to help you listen to your gut. By keeping these boundaries firmly intact, you’ll ultimately cut down on wasted time with the wrong person and improve your chances of meeting the right one.
Good luck and happy dating!
Deleting the Ex
Submitted by LJMaggie on February 25, 2009 - 7:14 am
Frequent Contributor LJ Maggie contemplates staying connected to her exes…
One of the number one rules Lisa talks about when getting over a breakup is “Deleting the Ex”. It is hard to do because you want to know what that person is up to, if he/she is thinking about you, and if there is possibility for reconciliation. Recently I have been trying to erase other exes from my life. One is still one of my friends, another one I don’t really talk to a lot but like to catch up with him from time to time.
For me after my big breakup in 2007 it was very hard for me to delete The Ex. He had cheated on me and I was always wondering what the other woman had that I didn’t. What made her special and what did I do to push him into the arms of someone else. So I didn’t delete him from yahoo messenger or my phone. Anytime I saw him online, I saw that she was as well. I would wonder what they were talking about and what they were planning. I was hoping one day he would contact me and want to go out again. Soon we were talking online again, catching up on what the other was doing. It was good to talk to him and he was being nice. Something that shocked me and gave me hope for us getting back together.
Soon we were talking on the phone and meeting up. We had met up twice. Once to get ice cream and the other time he came over to my apartment. After our breakup when I was in bed, I could almost feel his arms around me like they had been so many times before. This particular morning when he came over, feeling him next to me felt so good, even better then it had before. After he left he called and said how good it was to see me again and we even made plans to go on a date in a couple of days. Except he flaked on those plans just like he did many times before when we were dating. That is when I knew he hadn’t changed and if I continued talking to him, I would go through the same pain again. I didn’t want that, so after that I deleted him from my yahoo and phone. I no longer wondered what he was up to or who he was talking to. I didn’t care anymore. It felt good to erase him completely from my life. Yes it might be hard to delete The Ex but it is very essentially in getting over the relationship.
“How do I survive an avalanche breakup?”
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on February 22, 2009 - 7:59 am
Forbsey writes: My girlfriend of 3 years recently broke up with me. She was my first love, I had been in love with her for a good 6 years as we were best friends at school though she never saw me that way. I helped her through her first serious breakup and 3 months later she realised she wanted me. We have been through alot, a miscarriage, her ex boyfriend always being around trying to get her back but through all of it we stayed strong and loved each other. No cheating ever happened and we had it all. Suddenly she said that she wants to be with me forever but not for now and maybe in a year we will get back. It was so sudden!! I cry all the time and it’s been a month already.
Lisa writes: Avalanche breakups are especially tough because we just don’t see them coming! If you’re still shaking your head and wondering why?, chances are your breakup was an avalanche. And it’s no wonder you sometimes feel like you can’t breathe. You’ve just been emotionally buried! In the case of an avalanche breakup, you may also be feeling betrayed, irrational, devastated, angry.
To add insult to injury, your ex has left the door open for the possibility of a future relationship. Typically, when someone tells us they want to be with us, just not right now, it’s their way of trying to let us down easily. But the truth is, it leaves us hanging because we’re expecting a future with them. It gives us no closure, and no ability to move on.
You deserve to move on! But it’s up to you. Take it day by day. Avoid contact with your ex. And remind yourself that you deserve healthy and happy love in your life. If your ex can’t give it to you, someone else eventually will. But you first have to heal your broken heart and ready yourself for a whole relationship.
If you don’t have a Boo-Hoo Crew, get one. Or join the message board and share your story with other breakup survivors. It’s so important to have a support system right now!
Give it time. It will get easier. And in the meantime, celebrate your slump. It’s okay to cry, mourn, grieve. You’ll know when you’re done celebrating your slump. But for now, embrace the slump!
Good luck and happy healing!
Are you cyberstalking your ex?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on February 21, 2009 - 6:40 am
Be honest – are you cyberstalking your ex? Are you lurking on his MySpace and Facebook pages, seeing who his new top friends are what flirty messages he’s exchanging with that cute girl you don’t recognize? Stop it right now.
It may sound harsh, but for the time being you need to stay very far away from your ex.
Why?
We all know how easy it is to secretly cyberstalk someone without them knowing. You may even think it’s harmless, but it’s actually detrimental to your recovery. It’s all too easy to obsess about who’s leaving them flirty comments, who’s posing with them in the new photos they’ve posted, or who they’re chatting with online.
The best way to heal and move on after a breakup is to create distance between yourself and your ex, starting with your online life. If you don’t think you have the strength to do it, recruit one of your Boo-Hoo Crew to sit with you at your computer and step-by-step delete your ex from your online life. You’ll thank them later!
Once you’ve accomplished this, give yourself a gold star. You’re one step closer to breakup recovery.
Good luck and happy healing!
TONIGHT! Luscious Life Coach Lois Barth on Rock Your Love Life
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on February 18, 2009 - 8:47 am
Tonight’s Rock Your Love Life call with guest expert and luscious life coach Lois Barth will take place at 7pm, NOT 6:30 as previously advertised.
Click the Play button below to hear a preview of what Lois will share with us.
Chat soon!
02/19/09: Rock Your Love Life Guest Expert Lois Barth
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on February 15, 2009 - 8:14 pm
Calling all Rock Your Love Life in 2009 participants! Mark your calendar. This Wednesday, guest expert and luscious life coach Lois Barth will share her vision of how to transform your life from caterpillar to butterfly. It’s going to be an awesome call!
Click the Play button below to hear a preview of what Lois will share with us.
And mark your calendar for Wednesday, February 19 @ 6:30 pm Pacific. Dial in deets are posted on the message board.
Chat soon!
Valentine’s Day for the Single Gal: 6 Sweet Celebrations
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on February 14, 2009 - 8:13 am
Nevermind not having a date on Valentine’s Day–there are plenty of things to do with your best gal pals. So call them up and get ready to have one of the best Valentine’s Days ever! Here’s how…
Valentine’s Day may be for lovers, but this year, February 14th is also for those who are single and ready to mingle! It’s time to defy Cupid and indulge in some sassy solo pursuits. That’s right, we’ve got seven sweet celebration ideas that’ll have you and your single gal pals having a ball on February 14th. Let the party begin!
Single Gal Celebration #1: Spa Night
Ask your friends to join you for a posh, pleasure-loving spa party. Bring in a manicurist and masseuse (no worries if money’s tight, just check out the local beauty school’s students-for-hire), and spoil yourselves silly. Add a touch of Valentine love with a chocolate facial. Tell your guests to bring comfy robes and slippers and you’ll provide an array of appetizers, rockin’ music, and scented candles for awesome ambiance. Your gal pals will feel pampered and pleased as they bask in this girl-tastic gathering.
Single Gal Celebration #2: Movie Marathon
If you’re single with no prospects in sight, who says you still can’t be with the man of your dreams? Whether it’s Hugh Jackman, George Clooney, or Brad Pitt, indulge your fantasies by spending the night with your fave film star. Movie munchie of choice? Chocolate kisses, of course! By treating yourself to a movie marathon of endless eye candy, your Valentine’s date is just a Play button away!
Click here to read the full article on eHarmony.
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