When actions speak louder than words

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on April 23, 2008 - 11:15 am

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“I’ve been dating this guy for about 3 years, and he would lie to me about a lot of things. I’ve caught him cheating on me various times. But he would always come back to me. He will tell me he loves me, and that he won’t do that stuff again. I’m a person who will always believe what someone says. I love this guy so much, but I don’t know what to do.”
– Anonymous

When we’re in love, our sense of judgment sometimes goes out the window. We want so badly to love and be loved that we put up with things we wouldn’t normally find acceptable. We sometimes let people cheat on us, lie to us, and in general treat us with such disrespect that if it was happening to someone else, we would tell them in no uncertain terms to walk away and never look back. But because it’s happening to us, we lose our sense of reality, putting blinders on to put up with what’s normally unacceptable to us. We’ve all been there, we’ve all done it. It’s human nature.

Here’s the absolute (and sometimes painful to accept) truth. As long as you stay in a relationship like this, as long as you turn a blind eye to the disrespect, you will continue to get disrespected. Like it or not, this is the pattern in your relationship, a pattern you may not like but a pattern you are telling your partner (by staying) that you accept. Maybe your words tell your partner that you don’t like his or her behavior. But your actions speak louder than your words because you continue to stay, or you continue to come back to the same situation. Your partner’s actions are speaking louder than his words, too. He may say he loves you, but cheating and lying are not loving behaviors.

While it’s not impossible, it is incredibly difficult to change the dynamic of a dysfunctional relationship, especially when one partner is getting what they want already. In this particular scenario, your partner is getting his needs met. He gets to cheat, lie, AND keep you in his life. What’s his incentive to change? Ultimatums aren’t going to work because you’ve probably already issued them, walked away, and always let him come back into your life. So what’s left for you to do?

Healthy, loving relationships start with you. You have to love and respect yourself. Your actions and your words should match one another. So should your partner’s. If someone is telling you they love you, but then treating you like garbage, their actions are not loving. Their actions are definitely louder than their words. Your actions needs to match your words. And if your words are “I love and respect myself” then your actions have to match. That means calling people when they treat you unfairly. And if their actions don’t change? It means being strong enough to walkg away, saying no to an unhealthy relationship and yes to yourself.

Learning self love and self respect can be challenging if you’ve never had it. But you owe it to yourself to learn how to love yourself first so that your relationships with others can be more loving and respectful. You can start by looking in the mirror every day and telling yourself how much you love you. It may feel cheesy at first, but it’s going to get easier and you’re going to start believing it. This is the first step on your road to a happier and healthier future.

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