Breakup Tip of the Week: Recruit A Boo-Hoo Crew
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 31, 2008 - 8:20 am
Click the play button to listen to the audio blog:
After going through a breakup, a lot of us want nothing more than to retreat under the covers and hide for the next six months. But you’re never going to get through this breakup all by yourself. You need help. A support system. And that’s where your Boo-Hoo Crew comes in.
Chances are, you’ve heard me talk about Boo-Hoo Crews before. If this is your first introduction to the term, keep reading. A Boo-Hoo Crew is your inner circle of support. It should consist of a least two if not three friends who are loving, nurturing, but also know when to give you a kick in the pants. The role of the Boo-Hoo Crew is to provide the following:
Not everyone’s cut out to be a Boo-Hoo Crew member. It’s important to recruit only those friends who are up to the challenge. While assembling your crew, keep the following considerations in mind:
There will be times when you’re going to obsess about your ex, times when you won your ex back, and times when all you can think about is picking up the phone and calling your ex. These are the times when your Boo-Hoo Crew is crucial. They’re the ones you call instead, the ones who will remind you of the nitpicky negative things you use to say about your ex, and why your ex isn’t worth pining over now.
If for some reason you don’t have friends close enough to be part of your Boo-Hoo Crew, then you’re going to have to find a support system elsewhere. Join an online message board where you can share your experiences. Find a support group in your area of people going through transitions. Or get into therapy for a while. You’ve got to be able to get these confusing feelings out in order to move on.
Good luck and happy healing!
Retail Therapy vs. Travel Therapy
Submitted by Kelly Westhoff on March 27, 2008 - 6:10 pm
I love, love, love this recommendation from contributor and travel junkie Kelly Westhoff…
Sooner or later, every woman who goes through a painful break up partakes in a little bit of retail therapy.
Maybe it’s a trendy, spendy purse. Maybe it’s a countertop full of cosmetics. Maybe it’s a new pair of jeans that hug your curves just so. Or maybe those flirty, peep-toe pumps call your name.
While the pretty new things might make you feel better right now, can they actually heal your broken heart? Can retail therapy transform your life?
Probably not. But there’s a good chance travel can. Maybe you should redirect those shopping dollars into a solo, travel adventure.
If the thought appeals to you but you’re not sure how to proceed, seek out Tara Russell. She’s a life coach with a twist. She’s a “Travel Coachâ€.
Tara is the founder of Three Month Visa Coaching and Consulting. She helps her clients change their lives through meaningful international travel experiences. “I will get you off the couch and on the plane!†she said.
“I’m getting more and more women coming to me after a breakup or divorce who are saying, ‘I’m not going to hang my head and cry.’ They realize there are other ways of dealing with a separation and are looking for a healthy, empowering way to navigate a difficult period,†Tara said.
Some of Tara’s clients want to lounge on a beach in Fiji. Others want to volunteer or teach abroad. Some want to be a backpacking nomad for 10 months. The commonality is that they all want to do something for themselves.
Tara acknowledged package travel deals are tempting, but she doesn’t recommend pre-planned trips. “After a breakup,†she explained, “you need to unbraid your life in a way, to separate and let go of what you wanted with your ex and re-discover what you want for yourself. You need to figure out what you need and a planned itinerary doesn’t leave room for you to strike out on your own. If you’re traveling to help yourself over a breakup, it’s important to ask yourself, ‘What do I want from this time away?’â€
Many of her clients have big travel dreams, but are uncertain how to finance their trips. “I help women analyze their spending patterns to see where they can adjust in order to make travel savings effortless,†Tara said.
“I always ask my clients, ‘Do you want a lifestyle or do you want a life?’ The important thing is to keep your eyes on the prize and to remember that when you’re watching the sunset over the beach in Ipanema, you’re not going to miss those cute shoes you never bought,†she said.
Besides, chances are that once you’ve conquered the world on your own, you won’t need some silly sandals to make your heart feel whole. “When you’re away from your routine and everyone you know,†Tara said, “you have the chance to ask yourself whether you really even want your old life back. What if there is something better?â€
Tara’s parting advice to many of her lovelorn clients as they take off for parts unknown is this: “Don’t hold yourself to who you were before you left. If you come home wanting something new, that’s a good thing. The more you travel, the more you realize what you are capable of. You will bring home a new horizon and belief in yourself. Your life will expand to be spacious enough to hold who you are becoming.â€
Check out Three Month Visa for yourself!
Back to the Game
Submitted by LJMaggie on - 8:11 am
Catch up with contributer LJ Maggie’s ongoing dating saga. It’s a familiar tale…
I decided to give Craigslist guy a chance. He seemed sweet and maybe just needed a boost of confidence, besides he was fun to talk to. He picked me up and I was a little shocked. Am I wrong, but shouldn’t you dress up for a first date? I know it was just a movie but I was wearing a dressy tank top, jeans and heels. He could have put on a nice shirt. He was wearing a sweatshirt, jeans and tennis shoes. Am I expecting too much?
It was a fun night though most of it we were watching a movie and not talking. We did talk while he was driving me home but there was no spark.
We went out a second time. This time it was dinner, drinks and a midnight movie. Again he wore the same type of outfit. I cut him some slack though because it was a midnight movie and I was wearing black comfy pants, a sweater and UGGS. I don’t normally wear UGGS unless I am back home in the Midwest but a midnight movie requires being comfy. I had also considered him more of a friend. When he dropped me off he did try to kiss me and I moved my face so he kissed my cheek.
Yes I moved my face so he couldn’t kiss me on the lips. I didn’t feel that way about him and didn’t want to give him a false sense of hope. And I should be straightforward and tell him I just want him as a friend but I have done that before and the guy told me it would be to difficult for him. I also have been on the other end of that conversation and it doesn’t feel good.
The whole night got me thinking about attraction and what qualities people are attracted to. My day job consists of occasionally working in a retail store so I get to people watch a lot. Lately I have noticed the strangest couples. Not so much in them acting weird, though this is LA so there are plenty of those. But when you look at the two people, you wonder what attracted one to the other. One is noticeably hotter, thinner, more attractive, or even has more money than the other. And you think to yourself, “Really?” and “No wonder I can’t find a decent guy, all the supermodels are dating them.” Then you start putting yourself down and wondering what you can do to change to get that guy that you think is gorgeous and makes your friends jealous.
And yes I have had a few of those types of guys, and when we met they hit on me, one of them a soap star and was he gorgeous. But then I remember those gorgeous guys weren’t willing to offer me a relationship. And the nice average guys who wanted to, I didn’t feel that spark with. But then the ones who were both gorgeous and nice I pursued a relationship with and it still didn’t work out.
Can’t I just take qualities from all of the guys I have dated and make a man?
Stay tuned for more…
Dating Tip of the Week: Don’t Fear Rejection
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 25, 2008 - 8:18 am
In today’s world of casual dating, rejection is not a four letter word. It’s just part of the process. After all, you’re not going to be a perfect match with every single person you meet online, at a bar, etc. So instead of letting rejection slow you down and stall your progress, embrace it as part of being a successful single.
The next time you’re on a date and you think everything goes well, only to never hear from that person again or to get a rejection email from them, chalk it up to one less rejection you’ll get later. You’re one step closer to a yes! And give thanks that the person was honest enough not to waste any of your fabulous time if they weren’t interested.
The same goes true for you. If you sense that someone isn’t a match for you, you owe it to yourself and to them to be honest, straightforward, and not waste any of their fabulous time.
By looking at rejection as just part of the dating process, it becomes easier to let people down gracefully and move on without hard feelings.
Good luck and happy dating!
Breakup Tip of the Week: the Importance of New Boundaries
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 24, 2008 - 8:25 am
Click the play button to listen to the podcast:
This week’s breakup tip is your fast pass recovery! If you adhere to it, you’re going to heal and move on much quicker.
How fab is that?
This week, if you haven’t already, you are going to establish firm new boundaries with your ex. If, for example, your ex is still in your life, now’s the time to create new boundaries so you can still heal and move on.
Of course, the quickest way to heal and move on is to have zero contact with your ex. So if you can create that new boundary, excellent! That means no phone calls, no emails, no text messages, no leaving comments on their MySpace page, no driving by their house to see if they’re home, etc. And if they call, email, text you? Don’t answer, respond, pick up. These are new boundaries and they may be hard at first, but they are crucial to your recovery.
Now, there may be times when you can’t create such clear-cut boundaries with your ex. If you have children together, are going through a divorce, share property or work together, putting your ex out of your life entirely will be impossible. But creating new boundaries is a must. Limit your interactions with your ex as much as possible. And only discuss your mutual interest, i.e. the children, business, etc. Do not discuss your personal lives or how you’re getting through the breakup. Exes are notorious for preying on our weaknesses, and it’s up to us not to let them.
Your ex may not like these new boundaries. But you know what? They just have to deal. These boundaries are for you and your recovery. If they can’t respect them, too bad. Stay strong and keep those boundaries firmly intact!
Report your progress here.
Good luck and happy healing!
The Savvy Single’s Guide to Scoring a Second Date
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 8:16 am
In the game of dating, there are many milestones to covet. The first amazing kiss. The first intimate encounter between the sheets. The first time you exchange those three little words I love you. But along the road to these major milestones, you first have to get past the first date. And if you decide you like someone on a first date, even the savviest single sometimes finds him or herself hoping (and praying) the other person feels the same way and secures a second date. While there is no one-size-fits-all formula for scoring a second date, the following are some tried-and-true tips for first date success in hopes of snagging a second:
Tip #1: Be yourself
First and foremost, it’s important to be yourself on a first date. Yes, you should put your best foot forward but you should NOT pretend to be somebody or something you’re not in hopes of impressing your date. In an effort to make your best first impression, wear something that makes you feel comfortable and cute and is activity-appropriate. For example, a short skirt on a rollerblading adventure is a definite no-no and so are Bermuda shorts at the fancy wine bar. When it comes to first date dress codes, follow this general rule: guys, don’t be too sloppy casual and ladies, avoid wearing something too risqué.
Tip #2: Have fun
While first dates can be nerve-racking, they should also be fun. You heard me — fun! By putting the fun back in first dates, you take the pressure off. So instead of worrying about where this might be going, sit back, relax, and give yourself permission to be your most fabulous self. That involves making eye contact, smiling, and engaging your date in casual conversation, not grilling them about their job security, relationship history, and credit report. There will be plenty of time to assess long-term compatibility if and when you decide to continue seeing one another. But on a first date? Flirt a little and just have fun!
Tip #3: Turn down your inner critic
The purpose of going on a first date is not to decide if you want to marry the person seated across from you at the bar, coffee house, or restaurant. It’s to discern if they’re worthy of a second date. So do yourself a favor and instead of obsessing about what went wrong on your last date or worrying about whether or not this particular date is The One, turn down your inner critic and just enjoy getting to know your date. Ask questions, and actually listen to their responses. Share things about yourself that are genuine in hopes of helping your date decide if they would like a second date with you as well. It’s important to remember that dating is a give-and-take and if you spend the entire date stuck in your own head with your inner critic babbling noisily, you’ll never actually enjoy the pleasure of your date’s company nor will you be able to make an educated decision about whether or not to green light a second date.
Tip #4: Leave your date wanting more
Just as you shouldn’t let a first date go too far physically, you should also avoid being emotionally slutty on a first date. There are certain subjects that are appropriate for first date conversations (where you grew up, what you do for a living, what you’re passionate about), while others should be saved for later (How many sexual partners you’ve had, the many ways your ex was a jerk, how your parents really screwed you up, etc. In fact, it’s just better if you permanently bench these baggage-heavy topics.). The purpose of the first date is not to tell your entire life story. Rather, it’s to provide a brief and honest glimpse of the incredible person you are and the amazing life you have so that the other person can decide if they want to know more.
Tip #5: Don’t play games
Just as you should be yourself on a first date, you should be equally genuine with your intentions and actions following it. If you’re interested in a second date, say so. But if you’re not, don’t string the other person along with the promise of a call that you’ll never actually make. And if the other person calls or emails you, practice common courtesy and respond promptly, regardless of whether or not you’d like to see them again. If their invitation for a second date doesn’t appeal to you, don’t play games. Instead, be honest but kind. After all, you never know when you’ll be on the receiving end of a similar call. And if you both agree to a second date? Success!
Ultimately, the key to scoring a second date is to relax and have fun on the first date. By being yourself, allowing yourself to get to know your date, and not participating in unnecessary games, you greatly increase your odds of dating success. At the end of the day remember this: just because one or both of you doesn’t pursue a second date doesn’t mean the experience was a waste of time. After all, practice makes perfect. And in order to eventually experience those major relationship milestones we all covet, it’s important to get plenty of practice in.
Mega Business is sure to be Mega Awesome!
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 21, 2008 - 1:49 pm
After attending Mark Victor Hansen’s Mega Book Marketing University, I’m sold on his hands-on approach to empowering individuals to make the most of their lives. As the owner of a brand-new business WooHoo Inc., I have much to learn. That’s why I’m attending Mega Business.
At Mega Business, you’ll discover how to:
Turn a simple idea into a multi-million dollar business
Make your business completely recession-proof
Uncover the secret to earning more, while working less
Stop simply surviving and start THRIVING
I’ll be there! Will you?
Dating Tip of the Week: Make yourself market ready
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 20, 2008 - 6:49 am
Click the play button to listen to the podcast:
According to my fellow relationship professional Evan Mark Katz, the beauty myth is not a myth. What does that mean for the savvy single? You’ve got to make yourself market ready! Now, before you tune me out, hear me out. I’m not saying you have to drastically alter your physical appearance in order to attract members of the opposite sex. All I’m saying is that you should make your existing appearance as pleasant as possible. And by that I mean when you leave your house, try to look your best. For women, put on a little lip gloss & mascara to run your Saturday errands. Instead of running said errands in sweats and a ratty T-shirt? Put on something cute and casual that makes you feel good about yourself. Gentlemen, when you leave the house, make sure there aren’t remnants of the last meal you ate on your face or clothes. Showering is a good thing! And if you’ve got a unibrow, book an appointment with Helga the hot waxer. Even if it’s winter, ladies should shave their legs. You just feel better about yourself when you’re smoothe, don’t you?
If there are physical changes you want to make, i.e. losing weight, getting LASIK eye surgery, revamping your wardrobe, take the necessary steps to achieve those goals. Don’t put off living your best life as your best self for some “later” date. This is your life — right here, right now. Live it up!
Other ways to make yourself market ready include:
– Getting a new haircut, color, style
– Updating your makeup/beauty regimen
– Practicing the art of smiling confidently at cute strangers
– Tackling a toleration or two in your life (organizing your unorganized office, cleaning your messy refrigerator, paying down debt, etc.)
Ultimately, making yourself market ready involves doing whatever it takes to make you feel your best. Good luck and happy dating!
Tonight’s breakup webinar + April coaching calendar!
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 6:09 am
If you’re healing and moving on after a breakup (or know someone who is), don’t miss out on tonight’s free webinar for breakup survivors. Here are the deets:
Thursday, March 20th at 6:30pm Pacific
Listen online or by phone
Webinar description
Instead of just surviving your breakup, how about thriving? It’s absolutely possible! Join me for this unique webinar where I’ll let you in on 30 tips for surviving and thriving after a breakup, based on tips from my book It’s A Breakup, Not A Breakdown as well as some all-new tips. Here’s a sneak peek what you’ll discover:
- Remove all evidence of your ex (both online and off)
- Get a support system, a.k.a. Your Boo-Hoo Crew
- Give your bedroom a makeover
- Allow yourself time to feel the pain, a.k.a. celebrate your slump
- Create your fabulous factor list to remind yourself of why you’re better off without your ex
I hope you’ll join me for this empowering online event! And feel free to forward to friends who you think might enjoy the event as well.
Got questions? Submit them here. I’ll answer all questions during the webinar. PLUS, I’m offering two more amazing webinars in April. Check the coaching calendar for details.
Breakup Tip of the Week: Find healthy ways to fill your free time
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on March 19, 2008 - 7:46 am
Click the play button to listen to the podcast:
After a breakup, you may find yourself with plenty of free time on your hands. Time you used to spend with your ex is now spent in isolation, possibly obsessing about what went wrong and how you can get your ex back. STOP RIGHT NOW. The truth is, rather than obsessing about the past, you deserve to heal and move on. But first, you’ve got to figure out what to do with all that free time on your hands. Make a list of activities you enjoy, things that make you feel good about yourself. They may be things you used to do before you met your ex, but gave up during the course of the relationship. Or there may be new things you want to explore like taking a class or exploring a new hobby. What’s important is to make a list of at least 10 things (20 is better) that you are now footloose and fancy free to do and enjoy on your own. That way, when you find yourself with too much free time on your hands and no one around to keep you company, you can engage in one of these activities.
Possible activities include:
– Get a mani-pedi
– Go for a walk
– Write in your journal
– Take a relaxing bubble bath
– Call your Boo-Hoo Crew
– Bake cookies
– Finally sign up for that salsa dance class
Go ahead, make your list. And the next time you find yourself with too much free time on your hands, pick an activity and enjoy!
Older Posts »
