Stop forcing him to be “the one”
Submitted by bridgetloves on January 31, 2008 - 7:44 am
Once again, Bridgetloves mines her dating neurosis for hidden gems, and comes up with some very sound advice…
bridgetloves writes: One would think that with years of dating experience and in the words of Charlotte York, “I am tired!” I have been doing this since I was 15. Well in my case I have been boy crazy since birth and have run the gamut with the whole boy circuit. I AM tired! So I definitely understand the idea that Prince Charming has got to be the next frog I kiss!
Alas, currently I am dating two very eligible bachelors. In fact after doing a “soulmate” workshop with my life coach in 2007 (I live in LA) I have a very specific list of qualities that Mr. XY brings. AND both of these guys qualify. I know! I was so excited and surprised I called my coach as happy as ever! I couldn’t believe it was possible. I mean I visualized it, made myself the “right one” and hell I prayed for it. But suddenly here they are.
So why am I still uber nervous about both of them? I think it is because I have lived my life always hoping the next boy would be Mr. XY. I have made up so many stories over the years that I can’t even remember them. But each guy had his own special qualities. We always had so much in common (and if we didn’t they were gone pretty quickly). They were special because we both liked Dave Matthews Band or our fathers drove the same Cadillacs while we were kids. Sound familiar? We both liked white wine, swoon…
This brings me to my point. Am I just forcing these new prospects to be “The One” all over again? Now that I have fixed all of my own dealbreaker qualities and become a whole happy very eligible bachelorette, am I just diving into my old bad habits? And why do either of them need to be Mr. XY? If I am so lovely and perfect on my own shouldn’t I be able to date uber-carefree?
Aah, and now my point. The answer is no. No, not until I fully accept that I cannot ever MAKE anything happen. I mean in my own life I can certainly control myself and make choices, but I certainly cannot force fate to change the way I think is best. For all I know both of these guys are just two more (much better) options on the way to my true Mr. XY.
I am making the conscious decision to let these old patterns and thought processes die. You don’t want to change the future or your fate do you? No, no you don’t. You don’t know who Mr. XY is and just because you are smitten with a great guy you have to chill out and let life happen.
So no more phone calls in desperation, late nights pondering why he hasn’t called with your girlfriends or sitting there with him hoping and praying he will whisk you away to France to propose at the Eiffel Tower. No, you are a big girl now. So chill out and just have fun. Sound hard? Hey if it were easy everybody would do it.
I am here for you, taking a leap of faith and saying oh yes I like these two men very much, but I am open for what fate shall bring and nobody knows who their Mr. XY is. They just don’t.
xo
b
Upcoming events
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on January 30, 2008 - 1:50 pm
February is shaping up to be a busy month! Next weekend, I’m presenting at two awesome events. Here are the deets…
Saturday, February 9
2:00 p.m.
Book event/author signing
Torrance Public Library
3301 Torrance Blvd.
Torrance, California
310-618-5959
If you live in Los Angeles, come join me at the Torrance Public Library where I’ll be talking about the positive side of breaking up.
Sunday, February 10
1 to 5 p.m.
Chic-Life Presents “Conscious Couples Retreat”
Culver Events Center
11948 West Washington Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90066
I am one of four invited speakers at this amazing conscious couples retreat. CHIC-life.com invites creative couples to explore their relationship through deeper levels of emotional and spiritual intimacy. Join us for a multi-sensory experience, for couples who want to open their hearts and merge their minds through a series of interactive workshops lead by leading personal growth innovators and live performances by international vocalist and dance performances. A fresh, eclectic buffet will be provided by Tender Greens and sampling s of exotic chocolates from Vosges Chocolat. A unique Gift Gallery will offer special sentiments, one of a kind jewelry, books, music cd’s, stationery, scented candles and fragrances. Celebrate the Holiday of Love with activities designed to stimulate the senses and mingle with other like-minded people in a fun, supportive and dignified environment!
For more details, click here.
What to Do When She’s More Successful
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 9:42 am
Being an ambitious and independent woman myself, I happen to know a lot of other super successful women. Truth be told, most of them are single. So is this a problem for guys — dating a successful woman? I recently researched the subject for eHarmony.com. Read on…
Like it or not, when it comes to dating our genders are not operating on a level playing field. While it’s perfectly culturally acceptable for a man to date a woman who is shorter than he is, makes less money than he does, and is generally considered less of a catch than the guy is, society would say that the opposite scenario implies that the woman hasn’t done quite as well as she should have.
But what happens when you meet an amazing woman who just happens to look better on paper than you do? Are you supposed to just walk away? Or should you pursue and woo her regardless of what your pay stubs, bank statements, and portfolio say? In the new millennium, a time when men and women have equal earning power, when more and more husbands are opting to become stay-at-home dads and let their wives bring home the bacon, and when single women are putting off marriage and monogamy longer than previous generations, is dating a woman who makes more money than you still an issue? And if you happen to meet a savvy and successful woman who doesn’t care about who makes more money, is it still an ego-bruising deal-breaker for you, regardless of how amazingly sexy she is? Click here to read the top five tips for dating and mating with a successful woman who just might earn more than you without killing your confidence.
And share your comments on the subject here or on the message board.
Personalized Matchmaker Q&A
Submitted by intersectionsmatch on January 29, 2008 - 10:15 am
I’m very excited to welcome personalized matchmaker Jasbina Ahluwalia to the blog. Enjoy!
Q: I’ve been dating a girl exclusively for the last five months, and am presently on a tight budget–any ideas for Valentine’s Day?
A:  Don’t worry about your budget, and instead focus on personalizing the celebration for her. Instead of going out to dinner, consider making her a candlelight dinner consisting of her favorite foods; or if you have no culinary bent, consider picking up a selection of her favorite foods and having a cozy “picnic” inside. Instead of buying a gift, consider creating a mix of either her favorite music, or music that holds significance for the two of you, or hand-made “personal services certificates” which can be redeemed by her (ie, for a romantic massage to be performed by you, or your performing chores/running errands she dislikes doing herself). Consider bypassing an expensive bouquet of flowers for handfuls of petals strategically sprinkled throughout her place. Forget about the budget, focus on personalization and celebrate having each other.
Q: I generally have a pretty flexible and accomodating nature. So, when asked by dates what restaurant or activity I’d be interested in, I generally let the guys know that “I’m happy with anything.” I’m noticing that instead of appreciating my answer, guys oftentimes appear put off by it. Am I missing something?
A: Being flexible and accomodating will generally serve you well in relationships, and is a great trait to have. However, consider this: generally when a guy you’re dating asks you what you’d be interested in, it’s his way of showing that he cares about you, wants to get to know you better, and would like to provide you with an experience you’d enjoy. When your response to a guy’s inquiry is always “I’m happy with anything”, the (unintentional) effect may be to not only discount his caring, but to deprive him of the opportunity to get to know you and provide for you.  So share your preferences, with appreciation and gratitude.
Q: I think that my live-in boyfriend may be cheating on me, but don’t know for sure. Are there any red-flags I should look for? Thanks!
A: I’m sorry to hear this. There are three signs you may want to consider. First, has your boyfriend started making any otherwise inexplicable recent changes with respect to his physical appearance (i.e. has he suddenly started working out extensively, changed his hairstyle, changed his wardrobe)? Secondly, has your boyfriend’s routine schedule/work hours inexplicably changed (i.e. his previous 9 am-6 pm workday now regularly starts earlier and/or ends later). Thirdly, has your sex-life changed (i.e. he’s suddenly interested in either less or more frequent sex, and/or has changed his sexual positions/adventuresomeness)? Please remember to consider all of these factors collectively, and be open to the possibility that there may be reasons (apart from cheating) for any of the above behaviors.Â
Got a question for Jasbina? Email your dating/relationship questions to Jasbina@IntersectionsMatch.com.
It’s in the details…
Submitted by BeatrixK on January 27, 2008 - 9:00 am
Is 2008 starting off with a breakup? You’re not alone. Contributor BeatrixK shares her personal pain in hopes of exorcising her ex as well is helping others. Read on…
BeatrixK writes: I find it telling that I remember the date, time, day of the week I got divorced. (5/23/2000, 11:15 a.m., Tuesday) Am still fuzzy on exactly when I got married. Pretty sure it was 1996. I know it was July 20 something. It was a Saturday. And I was on way more valium that day than the law should legallly allow for any person to enter into holy matrimony. That’s all you will get from me on this one, tho. Just don’t recall the rest of the details. Speaks volumes that I remember far more about the demise of my first, and up to this point only marriage than I do it’s beginning.
Call me sentimental?
But, 2008 has thrown some curves at me already. It seems my cohabitative/engagement life is at an end. The man who, up until a few days ago, willingly shared our life journey feels that our journey’s are now seperate (or at least his sure as hell is). OK. Fine. Not gonna go into detail badmouthing him. 1)Because I still have to have a place to live until I can evict my tennant. (Thank the God-I-doubt exists that I heeded my parent’s advice and didn’t sell my house right away!) and 2)As hurt and angry as I am, I can’t fault him for being honest with me regarding his change in feelings for me. So, if you are reading this blog looking for great man-bashing zingers, I will dissapoint.
Right now, I am just trying to get through each day with fewer tears than the one before it. I want to end the day a little clearer on what has happened. I want to get a little more direction. I want to find a little more courage to use for tomorrow. I want to not feel like I am the most undesireable woman on the planet. I want to figure out why the hell other people can find a man who means it when he says ‘I want to be with YOU for as long as I can,’ and, where dating is concerned, I may as well be trying to get Britney Spears to a court hearing when it comes to finding a man who loves me…until his issues get worked out. I want to not look at myself in the mirror and criticize me for things I can never be. I want to have hope that love waits for me. I want to avoid playing Alanis Morrisette records until his ears bleed as he sits in the next room. I want to quit thinking Lacuna, Inc., should really exist.
I want to feel like me again. So, this blog will be an attempt to work through my pain without bashing or causing further pain to the man who I once loved and find astonishment how quickly he is becoming ‘human.’ I hope it can help other women who are feeling alone. I hope it can help heal my heartbreak by getting the emotions poisoning my self-image, confidence, and hope out of my head and into a place I can better make sense of them and put them in their rightful place.
I hope I can meet someone who eventually makes me remember the exact moment in time we found each other.
Loosen your grip and let him come to you
Submitted by bridgetloves on January 26, 2008 - 9:33 am
I absolutely love the firsthand advice Bridget offers below. We could all learn a thing or two about loosening up our grip and leaning back…
bridgetloves writes: As I sit down to write this, I am tempted to put on the rap/hip hop song- Lean Back. After reading a million relationship books and drinking cases of wine, I have had my share of relationship advice. One thing I heard recently really resonated in ALL areas of my life.
I was sitting at a dinner with four girls and as each of us took our turn to gripe about the current boy situation. ONE thing was consistent. Each one of us were describing ways we were absolutely clutching onto our man. The best anaology for this is: grabbing onto your man’s shirt and pulling him toward you as hard as possible. How do your hands feel? How does your body feel? What is his expression?
If you have your hands tightly gripping someone by the shirt, chances are you feel stressed, you are leaning toward him and he is probably trying to get you to let go a little bit.
This is exactly what all of us were doing. One was wanting, hoping, praying a new guy would text her back right away. Another was sure that since she didn’t hear from her boyfriend in the past 12 hours he was cheating and she wanted to drive by his house to “check” and make sure he was tucked in safely. I was pondering a guy not following up on a loosely planned date he mentioned a week ago.
It was a group of four beautiful, successful, otherwise rational individuals with our claws out furiously trying to get him to come our way by FORCE.
So try this: LET go. That’s right let go of his shirt. Lean back – like in your shoes just a little bit (don’t tip over). How do you feel? I bet you feel relaxed and a little free. I think he is now leaning toward you to get a little closer, see what you are trying to say, etc.
So which one is better? Forcing him to do something (wishing, hoping, telling him) or chilling out and relaxing, letting him COME to you?
I think the latter sounds fabulous, don’t you?
So my challenge for you – let go and lean back. As John Lennon said, “Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.” So why bother trying to force things to happen?
xo
b
Breakup videos debut
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on January 23, 2008 - 8:30 pm
Recently, I was approached by my friends at Post Haste Media, a small but feisty media company interested in creating a promotional online video campaign for my book It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown. We brainstormed all kinds of fun ideas geared towards promoting and selling my book. And while Rick and Tara are consummate pros, nothing quite gelled. None of the ideas really excited us. Then we came up with this idea — a video confessional chronicling the five stages of breakups based on the five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance. We held a casting session, met tons of great actresses (and a few actors), and realized we were onto something. Each and every actor we met brought something unique, fresh, special to their audition. We recognized they were tapping into their own breakup history as well as the history of friends. It was an honor to witness.
That’s when we realized we didn’t need a script. We’d just let the actors do their thing. We just set up the camera (properly lit by the extraordinary cinematographer Alec D. Boehm), and sat back while the actors rode the wave of the five stages of breaking up. Real or made up, their stories are raw, exposed, beautiful, and emotional. The results are fantastic, thanks not only to the actors but to Tara’s perceptive direction and editing, as well as Rick’s producing and editing.
Without further ado, I present to you the breakup videos.
Picking up the Pieces
Submitted by LJMaggie on January 22, 2008 - 9:15 pm
Contributor LJMaggie shares what she’s learned in the days, weeks, and months following her Big Breakup…
The day he left I cried. I wasn’t even sure why. I had been with him for over 6 months. Some might say that isn’t very long but we had fallen for each other immediately. I had given so much of myself to make it work. He was the one I could see myself with. I thought he was the one. So the day he left I couldn’t believe it was happening. He just walked away like we didn’t have anything at all, there were no feelings or emotions.
It took time for me to realize that there was nothing more I could have done. I gave all of myself and even more to make our relationship work. He was the one that didn’t care enough. And that seemed to hurt even more. It has been 6 months since he walked out of my life, and I finally feel whole again, and ready to take on the world.
Inside the Mind of the Single Guy
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on January 20, 2008 - 8:50 am
To get inside the mind of the single guy for this eHarmony article, I had to do my homework…
Ladies, listen up. If you’re having trouble in the dating trenches — whether it’s meeting a guy, attracting the right kind of guy, or maintaining a guy’s interest — this may just be the article for you. We’re going inside the mind of the single guy to find out what makes him tick. From his dating dos and don’ts to how he feels about monogamy and marriage, you’ll learn all you need to know to successfully snag the attention — and, possibly, affections — of the single guy.
Real guys like real girls (so just be yourself)
If you’re looking to meet a genuinely good guy, the first thing you need to know is that real guys like real girls. You don’t have to have 36-24-36 measurements or play fickle relationship games, and you definitely shouldn’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Guys consider phoniness a huge turnoff, so the next time you meet a single guy, do yourself a favor and just be your fabulous self. Maybe you won’t attract every guy in the room, but the right guy will be intrigued. The rest is up to you!
Click here to read the full article.
Single Rule #1- Forget He’s Not that Into You
Submitted by bridgetloves on January 18, 2008 - 8:23 am
bridgetloves writes: Yes, you read it right. I don’t believe in the most popular book of our time (okay maybe a stretch, but Oprah loved it). So He’s Just not That Into You? Really? That’s it?
I recently turned 30. I am single, successful, and happy. I have gone through the BIG breakup and made a lot of life changes and now I am comfy being me. I have never been better. But one little thing keeps popping up in my head. As my dating pool improves (hey I am learning here) I find that one little voice irks me at every turn. If a call is unreturned, an email goes a day without an answer or a date is cancelled, I immediately revert back to our good friend Greg. I think omg Bridget- don’t waste the pretty! Don’t be stupid, this guy must be seeing other girls, not that attracted to me, a liar, etc.
Unfortunately, while this book did OUT a lot of relationship problems and clearly a lot of very unhealthy relationships and self limiting behavior/beliefs, it went too far. It got into our heads a little too far. Making new relationships that much harder. It is hard enough to be self confident, GET a date that is suitable (i.e. not some freak who is so not a good match for you or you know is still married or something) and start the dance. So why add one more area of complication?
I found this out recently. I met a very eligible bachelor, who more than anything was a GREAT catch. I met him while out at a restaurant and we found out we lived within blocks of each other and just so happened to have everything in common. It was fate. That kind of fate that curls your toes and gives you butterflies. It makes you remember that life is beautiful and random. There is fate and we are really just along for the ride. I also got that Serendipity feeling right away (who doesn’t love that movie with John Cusack and Kate Beckinsdale?). We’ll call him EB (eligible bachelor). He got my number immediately and despite the holiday crush we made time to meet up twice b/f we both headed off for Christmas vacation.Â
When he returned we had a very long, lovely real date. We hung out at his house in the desert (where naturally I also happened to be the days post-Christmas at my family’s house). We listened to music, played with my dog, watched football, drank champagne by the fire, had dinner, and watched a movie. We had fun — easy, good old fashioned PG-rated fun. But then he took off again for New Year’s and now the new year has begun and I am pretty busy with work and the new year. But, um, I haven’t really heard from him. So despite a few emails a week ago I have spent pretty much everyday I have not heard from him thinking one LIMITING thought: What is wrong with me?Â
And then it quickly became easy — Oh, he’s not that into me. Finally today, one week after I last heard from him, I decided to put a stop to this nonsense. The phone rings both ways, he has not indicated he doesn’t care to continue talking or seeing me. So why am I jumping to conclusions? Do I know what is going on in his life or his head? Nope. And for all intents and purposes as much as I can cut him off saying he isn’t into me, I can also give the guy a break and say maybe he’s just busy, depressed, traveling, tired, seeing some other people, etc. I mean isn’t he allowed a life outside of oh he doesn’t like me so I am deleting his number?
And you know what? It was like lightning struck. I am a 30 year old very attractive, positive, successful woman. We had a connection, and it has been not even a month since we met. Why am I rushing this into the garbage bin? Where am I in a rush to get to? Another set of dates just to get out there?  A life slamming the door quickly on anything that isn’t knocking down my door (and we all know if he were I would wonder what his problem is)?
It is 2008, I deserve better than this. Forget the deadlines.Â
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