What’s the craziest thing you’ve done to get over a breakup?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on November 30, 2007 - 10:49 am
I’ve recently gotten some interesting email about the wild and wacky things people have done to move on after a breakup. Here’s just a slice of what I’ve heard…
Lots of people say they traveled after ending a relationship. “Not only is it therapeutic for the soul,” my friend Nick theorized, “But for me, my boyfriend hated to travel. And when he dumped me, I decided it was time to go to South America – with or without a man.” And good thing he went solo. While he was there, Nick ended up meeting a fabulously handsome and sweet guy from Chile. They’re now happily shacking up in
According to your emails, there’s nothing quite like rebounding to heal a broken heart. “I flirt. Flirt like crazy!” Site visitor Veronica says in her email. “I know I’m not ready for anything beyond that, but it’s great to know that random strangers find you intriguing.” “After a breakup, I feel pretty vulnerable,” agrees site visitor Garrett. “And so I have my ‘between boyfriends’ guy. I call him up, he comes to my rescue. He makes me feel cute and desirable again.”Â
And some of you get downright adventuresome after a breakup!Â
“I’d always wanted to have a threesome,” says site visitor Kari. “But I didn’t want to ruin a relationship by having one. So when my last boyfriend and I broke up, I decided it was time to go for it. I found this cool couple online. We actually dated for about three months. Long enough for me to fulfill a few fantasies and get out before things got too crazy.”Â
So what’s your breakup behavior? What do you do to get over a nasty breakup?
The absolute worst (and tackiest) way to breakup
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on November 27, 2007 - 11:58 am
I recently stumbled across a site called BreakupEmail.com. In a nutshell, the site generates a form letter based on the reasons you’re breaking up that you can then copy into your own email program and send. Here’s why I think this is the absolute worst and tackiest way to breakup with someone:Â
1. First, dumping someone electronically may be the way of the future but I still think it’s cruel and unusual punishment and does not in any way reflect class or respect on the part of the dumper. If you’ve been out with someone more than a handful of times and especially if you’ve been in a significant relationship with them, they deserve to be broken up with using a little more class and dignity than an auto-generated form letter.
2. If you decide to ignore the above and dump someone via text, email, etc. you should at least have the common courtesy to create an original Dear John message. And don’t be cruel — instead, be concise, considerate, and honest.
3. I’ve said it a million times, but breakup karma is a bitch. Dump someone digitally and you have no idea how it’ll come around and bite you in the ass down the road. Do you really want a reputation as someone who does breakups badly? Living down a bad cyber reputation is tough.
To be journalistically fair, I decided to give breakupemail.com a shot, creating a sample Dear John letter. Quite honestly, I was horrified with the results. I would never, ever send such an email nor would I ever want to receive one. Here’s my auto-generated dump…
Dear _____,Â
I’m writing you this email because I think our relationship has run its course. Here’s some food for thought: you’re an a$$hole! It’s not easy to carry on a successful relationship with someone like you. And by that, I mean someone who is downright stupid, you feebleminded dimwit. Oh yeah, I almost forgot to point out that you’re pure evil, a characteristic that most people do NOT appreciate. You might want to work on that.
You don’t live in a soap opera, so quit causing so much drama. Another problem is that you’re irresponsible, and I just don’t want to put up with the consequences of your decisions anymore. What really breaks the deal is your horrible grammar. Srsly d00d, learn 2 rite a sentance!
Sorry, but you’re not even worth keeping as a friend. Give me back my keys, I don’t want you coming around here anymore. It may be a typical line, but it’s true: we just aren’t meant for each other. Why are you so boring? I’ve seen rocks that are more interesting than you. I never want to see you again, jerkface! Stay away from me or I’ll beat you with a frozen salmon. I think you get the idea: this relationship is over.
F*** off for ever,
Lisa
(BTW, I edited the curse words out of the email.)
The next time you’re considering a breakup, I caution you against using this service. It’s cruel and unusual punishment for someone who’s already getting bad news. Remember, breakups are hard. Don’t make them harder by being mean and nasty. For tips on breaking up nicely during the holidays, click here.
Advice of the week (11/26/07)
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on November 26, 2007 - 8:44 am
Megan writes: My boyfriend spends hours on the computer looking at other girls. He’s even contacted girls in the past about hooking up, even though we’re together. I don’t understand why he’s doing this and I don’t know where we stand.
Lisa says: Assuming you’ve talked to him about his behavior and he’s still doing it, what part of this scenario is working for you? He’s obviously getting his needs met, but what about you? You, too, deserve to have the kind of relationship you want. And if this behavior is unacceptable (and it sounds like it is), then maybe it’s time to reevaluate the relationship. Stand up for yourself and be true to what you want and deserve.
I (Heart) The Huffington Post
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on November 20, 2007 - 9:57 am
In this week of giving thanks, I am incredibly thankful for the career momentum I’ve experienced this year. In the last six months alone my first book was published, I appeared on the Today Show, got to meet my idol Candace Bushnell, got engaged to Mr. XY (a personal pinnacle), and most recently walked the picket line of a Writers Guild strike. Holy dreams come true, Batman!
Which brings me to my latest moment of gratitude. Thanks to the amazing networking group I belong to Ladies Who Launch, I recently got the opportunity to blog about breakups for the one and only Huffington Post. You heard me — the Huffington Post! I’m a huge fan of HP founder and all around amazing lady Arianna Huffington so this is a big thrill.
To read about The Hookup on Breakups on the HP Ladies Who Launch blog, click here.
Love hurts (and can cost a fortune, too!)
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 9:40 am
I recently received the following story from a great guy going through a very difficult breakup. Read on and then feel free to offer some advice…
After a 3 year relationship which she ended, I took some time and then got online to meet a girl. I dated some and had a lot of fun and then I connected with “the one”. We started emailing and after a short time she emailed me on a business trip and said “HOW DO YOU MISS SOMEBODY YOU DONT EVEN KNOW?” That got me. From there the emails only got better. Then we spoke and it was great. Then we decided to meet. I met her at this fancy hotel and as she got out of her car and walked towards me ( I was in the lobby waiting) in walked the girl of my dreams. We had a beautiful day. We kissed. I fell for her ( I already had, I think) and she for me. She said it was the best first date she ever had.
What followed was a heated romance. Weeks of hotels and stays at my house (she lived 3 hours away). Talks of the future. We wanted all the same things. We said the 3 words “I love you.” Tons of emails from her back and forth expressing that I was the one she had been looking for all of her life. I told her that I wanted to live together. Since she and I lived quite a distance apart we thought it best to move midway to “get the party started” as she put it. She had a time line for us which I totally embraced. 3 month goal, 6 month goal, 9 month goal, 12 month goal. This included moving in together, engagement, trips, planning for a baby, wedding.
I was madly in love with her so I rented us a beautiful house behind a gate. Nothing was too good for her. I owned my house where I was living so I ended up paying both a mortgage and rent on the new place. It was killing me financially, not to mention that I would buy her anything and everything she ever wanted and anything for the house that we needed. After all, she was going to be my wife, right? She did not make the kind of money I did (no I am NOT rich) and said I could carrry us for awhile until she could contribute ( she was in the process of selling a property and would get cash from the sale). My friends thought I was crazy for moving in with a woman I barely knew but I would have bet my life that she was the one and ignored all there pleas not to.
Almost immediately things went south. The girl that I thought I was going to marry started to become distant. Said that she was feeling a lot of stress with the move. Then it was intimacy issues. She opened boxes that she had packed up one year ago when she left her 8 year relationship and said that she needed space to “process” feelings that she thought she was over. She wanted more space. I tried to give it but felt increasingly needy and scared since I had sacraficed everything to be with her and was now commuting 4 hours a day just to live with her.
We took a trip away. Nothing was too good for her. Balloon ride (her dream), shopping sprees, fancy hotel with upgraded room. Since I wanted to show her that I could be patient with what she was going through, I did not pressure her for sex and, ofcourse she did not give it. Oh I almost forgot, we went engagement ring shopping.
Now ladies, you have to understand that in my last relationship, my ex cut me off totally from sex. This was my biggest fear, that it would happen again and it was happening.
We returned from vacation and nothing seemed to change. She wanted more and more space. Grew more distant. It was killing me. Yet, we went to a fertility clinic because she thought she might have problems getting pregnant and she began testing to see. She put my name as the “daddy” on all her paperwork. So, I had not lost hope. Not yet.
I started to break down. I would cry and wake up every morning with a panic attack. I could not eat and started losing drastic weight. This grew into depression. I did not want to go to work and would call in sick. When I was at work I wouldn’t get things done like before. Things piled up. I had to come clean with my boss that I was in a personal crisis.
I missed my life before, my house, my comfort zone. She was not giving me assurances or comfort. She just kept saying that she felt stifled and now all the plans that she had wanted first (remember the goals list?) were now out the window. I couldn’t get ahold of myself and would cry on the way to work and even broke down in the courtroom ( I am a lawyer). I was losing it completely. My friends were scared and said that it was like watching a train wreck. Hell, I was scared.
We decided to take a weekend away from each other. I went back to my empty house to stay there and as I entered the front door a voice came into my head and said “This is where you need to be…come home.”
That weekend I told her that I was going back “home.” She was not that broken up because she knew things were not going right either. Within a week I had a moving van and was back in my house.
Of course I had to break the lease on our shared home. Of course it cost me a fortune – about 10k. Yes, 10k to get out of it.
I have not seen her since. It’s been about a month. We have talked on the phone about reconciliation. About how we moved in too quickly. About how all the outside stressors contributed to the decline of the relationship. How, according to her, her feelings about her ex “was not that big of a deal and she was already getting over it.” We made plans to see each other. She changed her mind the next day and said that the dust hadn’t settled yet. I said I understood. Then there were texts from her…
“I love you”
“I miss you”
Even sexual ones. I replied in kind. I still loved her after all. Then we got into an argument. I finally got mad and told her everything I had been feeling. She said I had insulted her integrity and character. She didn’t talk to me for days. Then my birthday came. She texted me “Happy birthday.” It was the worst birthday ever.
This week she said she missed me again. We planned to meet next week. The next day she called it off again. Said she needed more time. Then she admitted that she was not sure if there was the same “spark” or “desire” as before. She said she missed me but not enought to see me. She suggested we not talk until she comes to terms with what she wants to do. No emails, no texts, no talk.
THIS IS LIKE QUITTING HEROINE! MY FRIENDS SAY I am hanging on for nothing and am not seeing the writing on the wall. I have lost all dignity. BUT I STILL LOVE THIS WOMAN AND DONT WANT TO LET HER GO! By the way, I am not some troll. I am good looking, fit, successful and there are women who want to date me. BUT ALL I WANT IS HER. Help!
Lisa says: Yes, breaking up can feel like quitting heroine. It’s hard, painful, dramatic, traumatic. But before you fall any further down this hole, do yourself a favor and find a foothold. Find your way out. Be strong. This girl is obviously not right for you. There were red flags along the way — rushing into things, her lack of money, your willingness to overextend yourself financially, her emotional unavailability, the lack of sexual intimacy, etc. These are all lessons you can learn from as you move on. You are a catch who deserves to be loved as much as you give love. She was obviously incapable of being your emotional equal. Let her go.
Advice of the week (11/19/07)
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 9:16 am
mochalips writes: So, it’s been almost 6 months. It seems impossible to get a date. I’ve had one date since the big breakup!! The guy was not interested b/c I didn’t have kids and did not grow up on a farm. Since then, I’ve not come across one person that interests me. It really is lonely nearing the 30s!!! I’m keeping very busy but at the same time trying to keep an eye out. I wish I could at least meet some people to date. What’s going on??!
Lisa says: Going through a dating dry spell after a breakup is perfectly normal. In fact, I think it’s a test from the universe to see how strong you are. Don’t give up or give in just because you haven’t met anyone amazing yet. These things take time. And even though you may think you’re running out of time nearing 30, your life is just beginning. The 30s are an amazing time of transformation and growth! Be patient. Enjoy yourself. Keep up your busy schedule while keeping that eye out for someone special. Date when the opportunity arises, and in the meantime give thanks for being footloose and fancy free of the wrong relationship. It gets easier, I promise.
In Support of the WGA
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on November 19, 2007 - 5:38 pm
Living in
I picked Warner Bros. for two reasons. 1. I happen to love Warner Bros-produced programming and 2. The studio’s near my house.  In the past few weeks, I’ve seen pretty large crowds picketing in front of the major studios.  However, today’s crowd was relatively light — a handful of enthusiastic men and women waving picket signs at oncoming traffic. I was a little nervous about crashing the picket line, but figured it would be okay once I introduced myself.Â
It was more than okay! After introducing myself and passing around my cookies, I was invited to pick up a sign and join the demonstration. I figured Why not? After all, it’s easy to say you support a cause, but it’s not so easy to give your time or to publicly stand up for the cause. And so I picked up a picket sign and started waving it at oncoming cars. The majority of people honked and waved in support. I probably spent an hour on that corner, chatting with the other picketers (some writers, some show crew members, some Teamsters) and waving my sign proudly. It felt really good to stand up for something I believe in, rather than just complain about a problem (like I usually do) without trying to be part of a solution.Â
Passing out cookies to picketers is one thing. Now I’m ready to get involved for real. There’s a Labor Solidarity rally in Hollywood tomorrow at 1 p.m. Mr. XY and I are planning on participating. If you’re in the area and would like to get involved, click here. To support the strike, check out UnitedHollywood.com.
Holiday Breakup Etiquette
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on November 18, 2007 - 11:00 am
Contemplating a breakup this holiday season? You better do it soon. According to breakup etiquette experts, myself included, breaking up during the holidays is a risky proposition. Nobody wants to get dumped with the smell of turkey roasting in the oven (Thanksgiving will be ruined forever). Or get the ax at 30,000 feet on the way to see the in-laws for gift giving and tree trimming (and now ex bashing). But then again, spending yet another season under the mistletoe with that sloppy kisser you’re just not in love with anymore can really suck.Â
If you’re seriously contemplating a breakup, the time is now. Technically, you have until November 22 to make a break. But the truth is, the sooner the better. Yes, you’re breaking someone’s heart, and that’s never easy. But if you know in your heart of hearts that this relationship just isn’t going to last, you need to do yourself and your soon-to-be ex a favor and breakup before the holidays. You’ll save each other both a lot of time, money, and tears. (Think of the cash you’ll save by not buying that plane ticket to see the in-laws, or that expensive sweater she’s been eyeing/the new gadget he’s been hinting about, etc.). But remember. Breaking up is hard to do. So be nice about it. Be honest. And don’t prolong the inevitable. But don’t succumb to guilt and/or tears either. You’ve made up your mind. Be strong, firm, kind. Always keep in mind that breakup karma is a bitch, and what goes around comes around. The better you are at breaking up, the easier your future breakups will be, regardless of whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee. And when in doubt, ask your Boo Hoo Crew for help. Or consult other breakup survivors on The Breakup Chronicles message board. After all, ‘tis the season to be jolly. And ending the wrong relationship at the right time just may be the best gift you give and/or get this holiday season, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. By New Year’s Eve, chances are you’ll both be giving thanks.
Would you rather do the dumping or get dumped?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 10:46 am
The Breakup Chronicles recently polled men and women to find out whether they prefer to get dumped or do the dumping. The majority of women said they would rather breakup with someone than get broken up with. Â
“I would much rather tell someone it’s over than hear it from them,” writes Jenna. “It’s just too humiliating to have the guy tell you he’s no longer into you.”Â
Rachel agrees. “There’s never an easy way to end a relationship. But I’d much rather suck it up and do it than wait for someone else to do it to me.”Â
Some females, however, weren’t as convinced that breaking up is better than getting broken up with.Â
“It really depends on the situation,” my girlfriend Maggie says. “Sometimes you just want the satisfaction of dumping a guy if he’s been a creep. But then there are those nice guys that things just didn’t work out with. And I don’t want any hard feelings. Those are more difficult to initiate.”Â
So how do the men feel? When The Breakup Chronicles asked, we were surprised to learn they were less inclined to initiate the dump than allow the breakup to happen on its own.Â
“Usually, you know when a relationship’s not working. But you don’t always want to be the one to say it,” writes Judd.Â
Chris agrees. “Sometimes it’s just easier to let the girl end it. Even tho you know it’s over.”Â
Neil had this to say. “Unless she was a real witch (not his original word). If she cheated or was in any way rude, mean, or bitchy, then yeah. I’ll be happy to end things. But if she was a good girl and things just didn’t click or work, then I’d much rather she end it. I think girls prefer it that way, too.”
What do you think?
Lessons in Life and Love
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on November 15, 2007 - 8:48 am
Special thanks to Ebony, AKA
