Is Sex with Your Ex a Good Idea?

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on September 29, 2007 - 7:51 pm

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The following blog post was originally created for First Wives World. On Monday, I’ll be joining FWW creator and radio host Debbie Nigro on her show.  Join the fun by tuning in!

As someone who blogs about breakups, I’m often asked the same question… 

Is sex with my ex a good idea? 

The short answer is no.  Hell no!  But because I once had a year-long sexual affair with my ex (the one who inspired my book It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown) following our two – count ‘em, two - breakups, I understand the complexity of the question as well as the desire for the answer to sometimes be yes. 

Yes, you can have sex with your ex.  The benefits are obvious — a history of intimacy, you know each other’s sexual likes and dislikes, and considering you just went through a breakup or divorce, you’re probably looking for a little physical comfort. And let’s face it — once you break up, your ex suddenly becomes sexy again! 

But here’s the downside.  You just had sex with your ex.  Your already fragile emotions are now complicated by the fact that you just slept with the person you recently ended a relationship with.  Confusion can set in.  So can the delusion that maybe you’re getting back together. 

The truth is — and this is based on years and years of feedback from real life stories — women who sleep with their exes generally have trouble moving on.  The exes they just slept with?  Oh, they’re moving on!  In fact, the morning after the night you slept together, they could have a date with another woman already.  Men have that infuriating ability to have sex with one woman while dating another.  Do you really want to go there? 

In my personal and professional experience, sex with your ex is never a good idea.  The fantasy is so much better than the reality that it’s just better to leave it at that — fantasy.