Is Sex with Your Ex a Good Idea?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on September 29, 2007 - 7:51 pm
The following blog post was originally created for First Wives World. On Monday, I’ll be joining FWW creator and radio host Debbie Nigro on her show. Join the fun by tuning in!
As someone who blogs about breakups, I’m often asked the same question…Â
Is sex with my ex a good idea?Â
The short answer is no. Hell no! But because I once had a year-long sexual affair with my ex (the one who inspired my book It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown) following our two – count ‘em, two - breakups, I understand the complexity of the question as well as the desire for the answer to sometimes be yes.Â
Yes, you can have sex with your ex. The benefits are obvious — a history of intimacy, you know each other’s sexual likes and dislikes, and considering you just went through a breakup or divorce, you’re probably looking for a little physical comfort. And let’s face it — once you break up, your ex suddenly becomes sexy again!Â
But here’s the downside. You just had sex with your ex. Your already fragile emotions are now complicated by the fact that you just slept with the person you recently ended a relationship with. Confusion can set in. So can the delusion that maybe you’re getting back together.Â
The truth is — and this is based on years and years of feedback from real life stories — women who sleep with their exes generally have trouble moving on. The exes they just slept with? Oh, they’re moving on! In fact, the morning after the night you slept together, they could have a date with another woman already. Men have that infuriating ability to have sex with one woman while dating another. Do you really want to go there?Â
In my personal and professional experience, sex with your ex is never a good idea. The fantasy is so much better than the reality that it’s just better to leave it at that — fantasy.Â
A Woman’s Right to Shoes (and so much more!)
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:46 pm
One of my all time favorite episodes of Sex and the City was entitled A Woman’s Right to Shoes. In it, the fabulous Carrie Bradshaw made the wise observation that single women do not enjoy the same milestones and celebrations of their life choices that women who marry and have children do. For example, when a woman gets engaged, there’s a party. Followed by a gift registry. Followed by a wedding and honeymoon. And when she decides to have a baby, there is a yet another party thrown in her honor with yet another gift registry.
While there is nothing wrong with celebrating these milestones in a woman’s life, there’s nothing right with NOT celebrating the single woman’s choices and milestones. Where’s the registry for breaking up with the wrong guy? Or taking a solo vacation? Or buying her first house on her own?
Enter The Well-Heeled Society gift registry, an online registry for the single gal. Whether you’ve just landed your dream job, closed on your first home, published your first book, or overcome an obstacle with much success as a single woman, The Well-Heeled Society gift registry celebrates your accomplishments! Founder Felicia Coley created the registry to acknowledge the value and strengths of single women everywhere.
“In this day and age of matchmaking and dating sites, I feel single women are viewing their single status as a diagnosis in need of a cure,” Felicia explained in a recent email. “Instead, they need to view this time as a hiatus; a time to develop and reflect upon their lives. Lives that are prosperous, definitive, and elite, considering the achievements they’ve accomplished (in lieu of a man).”
The online registry includes shops like DKNY, Overstock.com, Linens N Things, and of course several sites devoted to footwear. Now, the single gal really does have the right to shoes!
My Big Breakup Revisited
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on September 27, 2007 - 5:46 pm
I recently got the following email from Marie…
“I’m surprised that your big break-up isn’t posted. It would help to understand your story on how you got where you are now. Please share.”
Since my book has come out, a lot of people have been asking about the man who inspired it. Their questions go something like this…
What does Mr. Ex think of the book?
Does Mr. Ex know about the book?
Did you tell Mr. Ex about the book?
Those are all excellent questions. The truth is, I have no idea if Mr. Ex knows about the book and if he does, how he feels about it. Obviously if he wanted to know what I’m up to these days, all he’d have to do is Google me. But whether or not he’s done that, only he knows. Then again, mutual friends could easily tell him about the book as well. That’s not for me to know or worry about. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter if he knows or what he thinks. The book isn’t really about him. It’s about my own journey following my Big Breakup.
There are two sides to every story. And I’m sure Mr. Ex’s story about our breakup is a little different from mine. But I know he would agree that it was for the best. That we are both in better places and better people because of both our relationship and subsequent breakup.
And for those of you who are curious, click here to read about my Big Breakup.
Hot topics on the message board
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on September 26, 2007 - 5:39 pm
There have been a lot of hot topics on the message board lately. Here’s just a sampling…
bornagnblvr asks Any happy successful singles out there?
lovedbyu asks after almost 2 years should i?
browneyedgirl84 asks Could anything hurt worse?
Do you have any advice? Post it on the message board!
My Dating Advice in Seventeen Magazine
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on September 25, 2007 - 4:45 pm
Check out the October issue of Seventeen Magazine featuring The Hills’ Lauren Conrad on the cover. On page 149, I give advice on how to turn dating drama into Plan B  success. Scenarios include:
- The do’s and don’ts of going to “the big dance” following your big breakup
- How to deal with getting rejected by your crush
- What to do when you and a friend are crushing on the same guy
If you’ve got a story to share about how you survived any of the above scenarios, feel free to comment!
The Target-Rich Report (09/24/07)
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on September 23, 2007 - 5:19 pm
Ladies, listen up. Because I happen to love my lattes, I frequent random coffee houses around the city. In the last couple weeks I’ve noticed a trend. The coffee house clientele is predominantly male. That’s not to say women don’t frequent coffee houses (after all, I’m there), but perhaps women get their caffeine fix to go. The men on the other hand, bring their laptops, iPods, books, etc. and park themselves at the coffee house.
Ladies, the men have the right idea! They know that their odds of meeting someone greatly increase the more time they spend in a target-rich environment. They’re doing their part by showering, throwing on a casual but attractive outfit, going to their local coffee house and spending a few hours there. Now it’s time for you to do your part, i.e. put on your most bootylicious jeans, mascara, and lipgloss and bring your favorite reading material, laptop, or iPod to your local coffee house.Â
The following are a few tips to make the most out of your trip:Â
Don’t get your caffeine to go
Don’t gather a posse of girls (crowds intimidate)Â
Do make this a solo endeavor
Do find a comfortable spot to sit, sip, and stay awhile
Do glance around from time to time (if you make eye contact with a cutie, share a smile)
If all you share is a smile, great. You’ve done your job by putting yourself out there. Or you could be brave and bold and take it to the next level by saying hi. All you’re looking to do is initiate conversation. At this point, you’re just practicing. Have fun with it! Flirt a little if you like. This isn’t rocket science, I promise.
If the eye contact leads to shared smiles leads to shared conversation leads to exchanging numbers, fantastic! But if it goes nowhere, don’t feel like a failure. Pat yourself on the back for making the effort. You’ve done your single gal job for the day, i.e. putting yourself in a target-rich environment. Yay you!
The more you put yourself in target-rich environments, the easier it gets. Remember, practice makes perfect. Dating is a numbers game, and you’ve got to be in it to win it. Besides, the worst that can happen is you get nothing more than a good caffeine buzz. And who doesn’t love that?
Question of the week (09/24/07)
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 4:57 pm
Michelle writes: “I’ve been single (after 16 yrs marriage) for 2 years now, and have dated a lot of men and had a couple short lived boyfriends. At this point I feel like I’m never going to meet The One. Should a person look so hard and does sleeping with someone too early doom any possibility of something good happening?”
Lisa says: First of all, congratulations on getting out of a marriage that wasn’t working! Whether you initiated it or not, you’re very brave to walk away after so much time together. Secondly, I think it’s great that you’ve been dating a lot. After all, practice makes perfect. And how do you really know who’s going to be right for you if you don’t date a sampling of potential partners? Now, to answer your questions. Here’s my advice about looking for love. The truth is, if you look too hard or focus too much of your efforts, chances are you’re going to be really frustrated. It’s kind of like an unwritten rule of the universe - Look too hard and you won’t find anything. That doesn’t mean you should stop searching. It just means that you should look at your life holistically and find meaningful ways to nurture and love your life as it is today. As for sleeping with someone early on, I wouldn’t say that dooms your chances of long-term happiness, because everyone’s experience is different. But if you feel like it’s sabotaging your efforts, try a different approach. Wait and get to know someone before becoming physically intimate. See how that approach works for you.
One last thing. I recently saw a friend of mine who didn’t get married until she was in her 40s. They recently celebrated their fourth wedding anniversary. Here’s what she said to me — and I thought it was very profound. “It just goes to show that you should never give up on love. It’s never what or where you expect it, but it does happen.”
This Week’s Advice, Part Two
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on September 14, 2007 - 12:15 pm
Anonymous writes: “So I have been dating this guy on and off for a little over a year now and at the beginning of the summer he started changing and hanging with a new crowd.  Around the same time, he broke up with me. We’ve been on and off ever since, him breaking up with me and then wanting to get back together. Right now we’re broken up. My question is should I just leave him alone or keep trying things? Even when we aren’t together we are still spending time together because he wants to work thinks out. But then again, I feel like sometimes he doesn’t want me so that he can go out and drink and do what he wants without me getting mad at him. I feel confused and have no idea whether to move on or not.”
The Relationship Journalist says: No wonder you’re confused! This guy is giving you the runaround. But if you’re really honest with yourself, you have to admit that you’re letting him, right? You could put your foot down the next time he tries to get back together and say no. It’s your choice. You can continue to play this seesaw game of on-again off-again, or you can walk away for good and move on to a happier and healthier life. Here’s a tip — healthy and happy love is not confusing and rarely painful. The choice is yours.
Breakup Excuse #27
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on September 13, 2007 - 11:49 am
“I once broke up with a guy by telling him he had to move out because I was letting my mom move in.”
 - Kate
What’s your craziest breakup excuse?Â
The Art of Letting Go Without Closure
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on September 12, 2007 - 11:29 am
Ana writes: “I had a serious relationship with a guy for more than 3 years. We loved each other and had a great relationship. We were happy until both of us finished our studies and landed good jobs. I am an accountant & he is an engineer. At first, we continued to find time for each other though we were both busy with our jobs. As time passed by I noticed that he seemed to have less and less time for me. I tried to understand him, thinking that he was just busy with his job but things continued to spiral downward. He stopped calling, forgot important dates, kind of disappeared from my life. I tried to patch things up but he just continued growing distant.
“In the end I had no choice but to breakup with him. His actions showed me that that’s pretty much what he wanted but was too chicken to do. At first, I thought everything would be okay, that I could live without him. But I was wrong. Letting go has been so hard. After all, we spent three years together! I thought I would eventually get some kind of closure, but it’s never happened. Just like the end of our relationship, his silence speaks louder than his words ever did. Holding on isn’t doing me any good, so I’m learning to let go.”
The theme for this week seems to be how to move on when you don’t get closure. Here are just a few tips on how to let go of those nagging questions and move on without the closure we crave:
Tip #1: Erase “If Only” from Your Vocabulary
After a breakup, especially the Big Breakup, we’re prone to self-defeating thoughts and low self-esteem. It’s only natural for us to look back on our relationship and wonder if there’s anything we could have done differently. But here’s a newsflash that may change how you feel—your ex is most likely not looking back and wondering if he could have done anything differently to salvage the relationship. He’s probably not beating himself up over the breakup. So why should you? What’s done is done, and it’s for the best. You may not know that today, but you will know it very soon. In an effort to get there as quickly as possible, it’s important to erase if only from your vocabulary. So right here and now, let’s take a moment to erase the following sentences:
If only I’d done ________________.
(As in, “If only I’d done more to make the relationship work.”)
If only I’d said ________________.
(As in, “If only I’d said I was sorry and kept trying.”)
If only I wasn’t ________________.
(As in, “If only I wasn’t so confused/needy/etc.”)
If only he’d ________________.
(As in, “If only he’d love me more/pay more attention to me/etc.”)
The truth is that you did everything in your power to make your relationship work. In fact, you probably worked overtime to fix the problems, even if they weren’t your problems to begin with. And things still didn’t work out. That doesn’t mean you failed. It just means that this particular relationship wasn’t meant to be. (It also means there’s someone else out there who’s a better partner for you, and you’re now free to find them!) Second-guessing yourself with all those if only’s will only torture you. So, like his phone number and e-mail address, delete if only from your memory.
Tip #2: Stop Asking “Why?”
Another word to strike from your post-breakup vocabulary: Why? You’ll never get a satisfactory answer. And asking it will inevitably drive you nuts, not to mention slow down your recovery. So stop asking the question. (Right now.)
Tip #3: Don’t Play the Blame Game
Toward the end of your relationship, were you and your ex playing the blame game? You know how it is; everything is either your fault or his fault. And once the breakup actually happens, the blame game gets more competitive. You tell all your friends what he did, and he tells all his friends what you did. You’re hoping everyone takes your side (of course so is he).
Stop for a minute. Think about what you’re doing. What are you getting out of playing this silly game? Sympathy? Maybe. But wouldn’t you rather be the one who walked away and moved on without playing petty games? Don’t you think your friends would be more impressed if you didn’t spread your breakup b.s. around? (The answer is Yes.)
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