The Gift of Many Breakups

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on July 29, 2007 - 2:19 pm

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This insightful story comes from a very special contributor. Jean Zartner runs the website www.selfnurture.com, a GREAT website dedicated to the upside of being single. Enjoy!

The Gift of Many Breakups
By Jean Zartner

I was the only one. All the rest were going through painful divorces. I’d never been married. I’d never even had a romantic relationship lasting more than two years!

But there I was, in a class called Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends. I wanted help bouncing back from a romantic misadventure. I figured I might as well get good at grieving since I kept having to do it. It was either that or install a zipper in my chest to make it easier to get in there and fix my broken hearts.

My most recent breakup was particularly “ouchful.” As in so many times before – the tears and self doubts were messing up my life. I really needed rebuilding.

Grief was taking too much time and energy. I was fed up with it and didn’t want to become one of those people who are addicted to dramatic, romantic, roller coaster highs and lows.

I was, however, reassured when the class facilitator viewed my “Buckets O’ Tears” as a positive thing. In disbelief, I asked, “How can that be positive?” She explained that it showed I was alive. Well, being alive didn’t seem to me to be much consolation at the time. But in retrospect, I realize that if you don’t cry over a breakup, then you’re not truly living. If you try to negate, ignore, or bury your pain, then it festers and creates health problems. Far better to let yourself feel pain so you can work through it quicker – while making plans to learn from and improve upon the painful experiences.

One of the most powerful exercises in the class was writing a letter to “The Ex.” We were told to write about:
 - What we had gotten from the relationship
 - What we needed from the relationship, but didn’t get

In my case, I didn’t have one letter to write; I was into the double digits! True, my pain wasn’t as deep for each breakup as for my recently-divorced classmates. But a series of smaller losses erodes away at one’s confidence just as one huge loss can. So I wrote several letters and gave the facilitator permission to read them to the class. After hearing them, they commented that I:

Wasn’t bitter about any of my lost relationships
Had dated some great guys
Gained something from each relationship
Seemed to enjoy being single 

“True,” I said.

I wasn’t bitter because after each breakup I had managed to eventually find a new guy who, in his own way, was just as interesting and fun to be with as the one that got away. If I hadn’t lost that one, I’d not have met the next.

At the time this was hard to recognize. It’s a philosophical perspective that comes only through the benefit of many tic-tocs of the clock. Right after the breakup, you have to work through that sinking feeling that you’ll never have another relationship that good.

It’s also true that I have dated some great guys. And, as I get to know myself better and like myself better, I find I’m dating a better quality of man. I’m no longer dating just because society (or estrogen) tells me to.

On occasion, when I feel melancholy about oh-so-many short-term relationships, I mentally list things I learned to appreciate as a result of dating around: jazz, snowshoeing, hiking, Gilbert and Sullivan, art gallery openings, cowboy poetry, drumming, various musical artists, and (mmmmm) massage techniques. My life is richer and spicier thanks to the variety.

And yes, I enjoy being single. At forty-something, I realized that I’d gotten good at being single, and wasn’t so sure how I’d do at being married. My classmates commented, “You make being single sound fun. I’ve been scared of getting back into the singles scene, but now I’m kind of looking forward to it.”

Wow. I’m a role model!

My ability to embrace singlehood with pride and a certain panache encouraged my classmates. It also encouraged me to start a business. That’s why Selfnurture.com was born:  so I could write and teach about the trials and triumphs of single life. I became sort of a modern Jeannie Appleseed, spreading the seeds of singlehood acceptance. I’ve been interviewed by the LA Times and the United Kingdom’s Daily Express. This led to being honored with a request from The Breakup Chronicles to write this article.

So it turned out that being the only lifelong single in that class was a blessing for me, my classmates, and many readers!

The experience with this Rebuilding class made me realize that we do better in life when we each appreciate our own uniqueness and find ways to use it to help others. Remember that you are the only one qualified to be who you are and to give what you have to give!

Copyright 2004 by Jean Zartner, Selfnurture.com

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