This week’s media round up

Submitted by on July 31, 2007 - 11:07 am

I had a great time in San Francisco! Special thanks to Janelle Wang and her fab team at View from the Bay. To view our segment, click here.

Want to talk to me? Join me tonight at 6:30 pm Pacific on KSCN’s ShrinkRap with the super fab Phyllis Chase. We’ll be discussing breakup survival strategies. To call in, dial 818-885-5276.

Need help surviving a breakup? Join me online or via phone for a special event this Thursday at 6pm Pacific. It’s FREE! Here’s what you’ll learn:

  • How to exorcise your ex from your life
  • What’s a Boo-Hoo Crew and why you need one
  • Why it’s important to celebrate your post-breakup slump
  • Why rebounding and revenge don’t help you move on
  • How to dump your slump
  • The ABCs of Movin’ On

For deets, click here. Hope you can make it!

This week’s advice (07/30/07)

Submitted by on July 30, 2007 - 8:48 am

kwheeloc writes:  Okay, so I’m reading your book trying to help me get over this break up. I was the one that initiated it, thought that there was something better out there. Two weeks after we broke up, I told him that I still loved him and I made a mistake and wanted him back. He said he wasn’t ready right now and that he still loved me, but didn’t want to get hurt again. One week after that he got a girlfriend. He still calls me, emails me, etc. and says the same stuff. He still loves me, he is just afraid of change right now and wants to get bach together some day. I really want to wait for him- because I really do love him, but I feel like he is saying all this to me to keep me on the back burner in case something goes wrong with his new girlfriend. He says that that isn’t the case at all.

The Relationship Journalist says: I hate to break it to you, but your gut is probably right on the money. It sounds like you both are young and want to keep your options open for other people but just in case, you want each other to fall back on. That’s not a healthy approach to love and relationships. You broke up with him for a reason. Just because you didn’t immediately find someone else doesn’t mean he was the one for you. The key to finding the love of your life is to LOVE YOUR LIFE on your own terms. Take some time to heal, ask your Boo-Hoo Crew for help, create a life you truly love, and you’ll be surprised at the amazing opportunities that unfold for you. Good luck!

Anonymous writes: I broke up with my partner and I’m just finding it hard to get over them. I know for a fact they don’t want me anymore, but for some reason I tend to go back for more. How can I change this? Because we ended in such a bad manner, it’s holding me back from taking an approach to future relationships. HELP!

The Relationship Journalist says: It sounds like you’ve got some limiting relationship beliefs that are holding you back from finding real and lasting love. We all have them. And until we break up with them, they can wreak havoc on our love lives. I suggest you first create a new set of boundaries with your ex. No calls, emails, booty calls, etc. Then you find a Boo-Hoo Crew to help you thru the initial post-breakup timeline. Then you need to identify your limiting relationship beliefs and break up with them. I know it sounds daunting, but it’s doable! Here is just a sampling of some common limiting relationship beliefs:

  • You believe love is difficult, painful, challenging
  • You believe you are unworthy of healthy love
  • You believe your partner will fix your life
  • You believe you have to settle for less than you deserve

The Gift of Many Breakups

Submitted by on July 29, 2007 - 2:19 pm

This insightful story comes from a very special contributor. Jean Zartner runs the website www.selfnurture.com, a GREAT website dedicated to the upside of being single. Enjoy!

The Gift of Many Breakups
By Jean Zartner

I was the only one. All the rest were going through painful divorces. I’d never been married. I’d never even had a romantic relationship lasting more than two years!

But there I was, in a class called Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends. I wanted help bouncing back from a romantic misadventure. I figured I might as well get good at grieving since I kept having to do it. It was either that or install a zipper in my chest to make it easier to get in there and fix my broken hearts.

My most recent breakup was particularly “ouchful.” As in so many times before – the tears and self doubts were messing up my life. I really needed rebuilding.

Grief was taking too much time and energy. I was fed up with it and didn’t want to become one of those people who are addicted to dramatic, romantic, roller coaster highs and lows.

I was, however, reassured when the class facilitator viewed my “Buckets O’ Tears” as a positive thing. In disbelief, I asked, “How can that be positive?” She explained that it showed I was alive. Well, being alive didn’t seem to me to be much consolation at the time. But in retrospect, I realize that if you don’t cry over a breakup, then you’re not truly living. If you try to negate, ignore, or bury your pain, then it festers and creates health problems. Far better to let yourself feel pain so you can work through it quicker – while making plans to learn from and improve upon the painful experiences.

One of the most powerful exercises in the class was writing a letter to “The Ex.” We were told to write about:
 - What we had gotten from the relationship
 - What we needed from the relationship, but didn’t get

In my case, I didn’t have one letter to write; I was into the double digits! True, my pain wasn’t as deep for each breakup as for my recently-divorced classmates. But a series of smaller losses erodes away at one’s confidence just as one huge loss can. So I wrote several letters and gave the facilitator permission to read them to the class. After hearing them, they commented that I:

Wasn’t bitter about any of my lost relationships
Had dated some great guys
Gained something from each relationship
Seemed to enjoy being single 

“True,” I said.

I wasn’t bitter because after each breakup I had managed to eventually find a new guy who, in his own way, was just as interesting and fun to be with as the one that got away. If I hadn’t lost that one, I’d not have met the next.

At the time this was hard to recognize. It’s a philosophical perspective that comes only through the benefit of many tic-tocs of the clock. Right after the breakup, you have to work through that sinking feeling that you’ll never have another relationship that good.

It’s also true that I have dated some great guys. And, as I get to know myself better and like myself better, I find I’m dating a better quality of man. I’m no longer dating just because society (or estrogen) tells me to.

On occasion, when I feel melancholy about oh-so-many short-term relationships, I mentally list things I learned to appreciate as a result of dating around: jazz, snowshoeing, hiking, Gilbert and Sullivan, art gallery openings, cowboy poetry, drumming, various musical artists, and (mmmmm) massage techniques. My life is richer and spicier thanks to the variety.

And yes, I enjoy being single. At forty-something, I realized that I’d gotten good at being single, and wasn’t so sure how I’d do at being married. My classmates commented, “You make being single sound fun. I’ve been scared of getting back into the singles scene, but now I’m kind of looking forward to it.”

Wow. I’m a role model!

My ability to embrace singlehood with pride and a certain panache encouraged my classmates. It also encouraged me to start a business. That’s why Selfnurture.com was born:  so I could write and teach about the trials and triumphs of single life. I became sort of a modern Jeannie Appleseed, spreading the seeds of singlehood acceptance. I’ve been interviewed by the LA Times and the United Kingdom’s Daily Express. This led to being honored with a request from The Breakup Chronicles to write this article.

So it turned out that being the only lifelong single in that class was a blessing for me, my classmates, and many readers!

The experience with this Rebuilding class made me realize that we do better in life when we each appreciate our own uniqueness and find ways to use it to help others. Remember that you are the only one qualified to be who you are and to give what you have to give!

Copyright 2004 by Jean Zartner, Selfnurture.com

McCartney and Mills agree on divorce settlement

Submitted by on July 23, 2007 - 4:53 pm

According to RollingStone.com, Paul McCartney and Heather Mills have finally reached an agreement on their divorce settlement after months of negotiations.  McCartney will pay Mills a total of $140 million broken up into an initial payment of $30 million, with an additional $7 million every year until their 3-year-old daughter turns 18.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  With so much at stake, why didn’t they sign a prenup? 

What do you think of this divorce settlement?  Does Heather Mills deserve $140 million?

The Iraq Factor

Submitted by on - 10:39 am

jparks001 asks: I have been living with my boyfriend for over a year now. We both have very demanding, stressful jobs. Recently he has said, “I need space.” He claims with all the stress at work and post-traumatic stress from Iraq he loves me but doesn’t want to have to answer to me everyday. Is this him slowly trying to cause my Big Break Up? Or, do I need to try to give him the space….and cut off the sex?

A: This is the first email I’ve gotten someone who’s dealing with a soldier from Iraq. Let me start off by saying that life for soldiers in Iraq must be incredibly challenging and stressful. However, that doesn’t mean that you deserve to be the brunt of that post-traumatic stress. Can you ask him what his intentions for the future are? I think honesty is the best policy here. If he’s able to factor you into his future and it’s a future you want to be a part of, maybe he does just need some space to recoup. But if he can’t give you any solid answers and you need them, maybe it’s time for you to initiate the Big Breakup. Like I said, he’s going through a lot, but that doesn’t mean you have to suffer as a result. Good luck!

Bad Love Habits Webcast Replay Now Available

Submitted by on July 22, 2007 - 6:05 pm

For those of you who missed Sunday night’s Breaking Up With Bad Love Habits webcast, you can check out the replay here. In the webcast, I provided participants with an overview of my 12 step program for breaking up with limiting relationship beliefs and bad love habits. The following are just some of the benefits this program provides:

  • Quickly and easily identify your bad love habits
  • Follow the assigned tasks to free yourself of limiting love beliefs
  • Create a new love vocabulary
  • Change the kind of man you attract
  • Open yourself up to new life experiences
  • Exponentially improve your overall quality of life!

If you’re interested in my Bad Love Habits 12 Step Program, click here to contact me and select Bad Love Habits from the drop down menu. The Bad Love Habits e-book is coming soon! 

Yet another reason not to date a rock star (especially the struggling ones!)

Submitted by on July 20, 2007 - 10:14 am

Q: My boyfriend went out for 3 years.  We had our problems but everything was going fine! One day he sounded really weird on the phone and I asked what was wrong. He said nothing! I kept on and finally he said that we should breakup.  His reasons were that he would be working a lot at work and working on his bands’ CD so he probably wouldn’t see me at all and thought it better if we ended it now.  About two weeks later I found out that he was planning on going to go to England for a holiday.  Only to find out that he would be staying with a girl I’d been suspicious of for awhile but was told “they were just friends!” I believed that.  It is now almost 3 months after the breakup and he is now going out with her.  It looks to me like this breakup was planned and that he was working out all of this in his mind for a while.  I, of course, am still in love with him even though he has done this to me and I’m finding out all this other stuff. It was still a sudden breakup so my heart is still hurting.  I’m just hoping that I’ll get over him soon because it’s obvious that he’s moved on.  Any advice?

A: My obvious advice is this – never date a struggling musician.  But seriously…it sucks that your man wasn’t man enough to be honest with you when he first felt like breaking up.  This breakup does feel very calculated.  But you can learn from this and turn your lessons into positive growth and change.  So first things first.  If you notice a red flag like a girl you’re suspicious about in your man’s life, pay attention.  They’re called red flags for a reason.  Second, allow yourself some grieving time.  You just got blindsided by your breakup.  It’s going to take some time to heal and move on.  And third, don’t blame yourself.  You didn’t see it coming.  Maybe you ignored a red flag or two.  We all do sometimes.  Next time you’ll do better.  In the meantime, stay strong and give yourself time to heal.

Apparently the importance of a prenup eluded Sir Paul…

Submitted by on July 19, 2007 - 1:07 pm

Regardless of how much money you have, I’m a big believer in signing a prenup before you get married. Which is why this story is particularly painful to report on. Because Sir Paul McCartney didn’t have Heather Mills sign a prenup, he may end up shelling out big bucks for her to go away.  His lawyer recently offered Mills $40 million which she promptly turned down, asking for $100 million. Ouch!

Here’s the thing. If you help someone build their empire, possibly putting your career on hold, possibly birthing and/or caring for children while your spouse brings home the bacon, I understand why you’re entitled to a significant portion of that fortune if and when you part ways. But why should Heather Mills be entitled to Beatle money? It’s ludicrous and greedy. ‘Nuf said.

Red Flag City, a.k.a. First Love Gone Horribly Wrong

Submitted by on July 18, 2007 - 9:36 am

Here’s what I love about this story.  Having been through first love, I relate to it.  Plus, it reminds me how much we learn after it during our first breakup.  As you read, count the red flags.  How many do you come up with? 

For the first time in my life a guy actually wanted to be with me. I was 17 and although I’d fallen for guys before, the feelings were never mutual.
 
It all started when this girl I was talking to online sent me the most recent picture of the guy she was interested in.  I was immediately interested in the guy in the picture standing next to her guy.  He was so cute!  I just had to know if he was single.

That’s how Mr. Ex and I met. Over the next month we exchanged multiple emails a day and quickly moved our conversations to the phone as well.  Mr. Ex and I lived over 1000km away, but thankfully his band was just beginning a tour across Canada and my city was one of the stops. We made plans to meet the moment they got into town, hoping that our spark over the net would transfer over into real life. Well, it did and we spent the evening walking along the river, stopping only for him to give me my first real kiss. I was ecstatic and we decided that we wanted to try and make this work. We spent every second of the next few days together, watching movies and later going to the venue to meet/watch the band. The night we said goodbye, we were already making plans for his return two weeks later.
 
Soon we had plans and plane tickets. He would fly down for my graduation, after which we would return back to his city together. During the two-month wait before we could use the tickets, we talked nonstop. During this time, he was also quickly becoming best friends with the girl who’d introduced us. As they got closer I began to worry (slightly) about all the late nights out they were having, especially since she liked to drink. He constantly reassured me how much he loved me and that he wasn’t a cheater anyway. He even went so far as to say he
thought I might be The One. Satisfied (and happy) that I might someday marry this man who was 7 years older than myself, I stopped worrying.  Besides, even if things didn’t work out, I could at least file this away in my “had a lot of fun” file.
 
I could not have been happier when he flew into town and my virginity quickly flew out the window. After graduation, we went back to his home and met his parents. I was excited at the possibility of having them for inlaws. They were the greatest and after an evening of fireworks and sailing around on the ocean, I knew I wanted THIS for the rest of my life. The next day I met the friend from online for the first time.  At first it was awkward.  We’d only talked online, and things fell strange.  Luckily, she left for work and Mr. Ex and I got time alone.

Over the next few days, our mutual friend, called Mr. ex a lot. They always ended their conversations with “Love you.” Convinced that he was as happy and content as I was, I paid no attention to it. Besides, he said he wanted to marry me!

One night she phoned and wanted to go see the fireworks. Not wanting to seem rude, we said we’d go. When we picked her up she was drunk, and greeted Mr. Ex with a big kiss on the lips, ignoring my presence completely. She attempted to keep me away from him the entire night, jealously ripping his hand from mine every opportunity she got. Blaming her actions on her inebriation, I thought nothing of it. On the way home, I mentioned it to Mr. Ex. He
said he was impressed I was so okay with it, and gave me that wonderful smile that always followed with a declaration of his love. Something I’d soon die to receive again.
 
The next two weeks were the best of my entire life. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to be with him and was in disbelief at how wonderfully my life was going these days. We didn’t see much of the friend either, although when we did she often went out of her way to keep us apart and make herself the focus of his attention. I just rolled my eyes, reminding myself that he’s with me for a reason.

A few days before I left to go home however, Mr. Ex started acting a bit odd. When I confronted him about it, he said he didn’t want a long distance relationship, and he felt it was unfair that I had decided to commit to him without ever dating other guys.  In the nutshell, he was breaking up with me.

I practically begged Mr. Ex to reconsider. I was planning on moving, and I didn’t want any other guys. I loved HIM! We ended up crying in each other’s arms for a while before he took it back and told me he was sorry. The next few days, he continued being distant, NOT telling me how much he loved me nearly as often. I just thought things would be alright nonetheless.
 
As we said our goodbyes in the airport I feared it’d be the last time I’d ever see him. To make myself feel better, I tried to convince myself that we loved each other and it’d be fine. In reality, after I got home I barely heard from Mr. Ex.  It would take him a few days to reply to my emails and whenever I phoned he was either miserable and
made for lousy conversation or he just didn’t pick up. I was beginning to get really worried and that only made things worse. Whenever Mr. Ex actually answered his phone I’d fire off a million questions.”

Where are you? Who’re you with? What’re you doing?”

I hated that I was becoming a jealous girlfriend, but he’d stopped telling me things about his day. And he was always with HER. One evening she and I were talking online and she was drunk. She mentioned something about them making out and I flew off the handle. He came online and talked to me for a moment in an attempt to calm me down. He said he’d phone me tomorrow, but never said he loved me until I said it first. The girl apologized, saying she
was only joking before I went off to bed.
 
The next morning the phone rang. He was at work and he let me down as softly as he could, asking me not to cry, telling me he was so sorry, but all the same reasons he mentioned before. He also said he’d started falling for the girl. Instantly my hatred for her intensified 100 times. Where does she get off taking from me the best thing I’d
ever known? About 20 minutes after we got off the phone, she got online and told me they’d been making out while Mr. Ex and I were together, but he’d begged her not to tell me.
 
The months following the breakup were filled with me acting a little off my rocker. The girl decided that she didn’t want to lose our friendship and guilted me into continuing our conversations. We spoke regularly and often she would talk about her and Mr. Ex. Confused and upset, I went along with it, constantly feeling offended and hurt, unwilling to let go of my contact with her for fear that I’d lose contact with him.  In my mind, I wasn’t willing to let go until I knew I might actually find another guy out there that could make me feel the same things I felt with him.
 
I constantly thought about our breakup, angry that it happened and angrier that the distance between us made it impossible for me to defend our relationship or myself. I felt pathetic that not only had my first relationship been long distance, but it only lasted four months and now this girl got to see him everyday and completely take my place and all my happiness with it. Ignoring the advice from all my friends, I refused to do what I knew was best and cut contact, dragging on the healing process for a ridiculous amount of time.
 
I spent more time grieving over the loss of our relationship than our relationship even lasted. It took a long time to finally accept that talking to them was not healthy and that I had to just walk away.  It is ridiculous how confusing a first relationship is, especially in a situation such as this. The deception and constant manipulation from the three of us has left me unsure of almost everything in my life, however, if I gained anything from this mess, it was a bit more self-esteem and the loss of a whole lot of naivete.

Let’s hear it for the boys!

Submitted by on July 17, 2007 - 9:32 am

Thanks to all the men who’ve been sharing their breakup stories with me lately.  Here’s what they had to say…

“Can you believe this? Because we attend different churches and my wife and I do not completely agree on our belief systems, my wife thinks we should breakup.  She refers to the Bible – ‘never yoke with unbelievers.’ We are separated but now she wants me back, complaining that she doesn’t feel loved.  Women can funny sometimes. ” (Yes we can.  Yes we can.)

 - Anonymous

“We had just signed a lease to a new apartment, but before we could move in we were staying with friends.  One night she kept wanting to go to sites like yours and read about breakups.  It was strange, definitely not her style, so i finally asked her why she wanted to keep reading stories about break ups. She responded by saying that she was trying to find the best way to breakup with me!  I left her and the lease (in her name) the next morning after incredible breakup sex.” (Ouch! Thanks for sharing. Talk about breakup karma…)

 - Anonymous

“My girlfriend of three years dumped me for some guy she works with.  Couple months later, they both got laid off.  I hear that was the beginning of the end for them.  Doesn’t matter.  I’m now dating an amazing woman I met online.  Things have a way of working out, don’t they? (Sounds like breakup karma struck again, biting your ex in the butt!)

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