Pitfalls of Post–Breakup Recovery
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 29, 2007 - 3:10 pm
There will be times when you make great strides in your post-breakup recovery. Times when you feel healthy and strong and happy with your new life. But then there will also be times when you backslide. At these times, you will feel lost and alone—like the breakup just happened, even if it was over weeks or months ago. Somewhere between all that free time, your forward motion, and the inevitable backsliding, you may even discover that, gulp, you miss your ex. Breakup Secret #7: It’s perfectly normal to miss your ex.Â
That’s another thing no one tells you before the breakup. Just because your relationship is over doesn’t mean your feelings are. Missing your ex is one thing. Contacting your ex is another (see Chapter 1 for a refresher course in Ex Etiquette if needed). You’re allowed to miss your ex. After all, you loved him. He was a big part of your life—of course you’re going to miss him now that he’s gone! Â
The good news is if you still harbor feelings for your ex or you have moments (or days) when you miss him, you’re perfectly normal. Of course, if you’re completely over your ex, that’s fantastic, too! That’s the thing about breaking up—there’s no one perfect way to handle it. Just as your relationship was unique, your breakup recovery will be unique, too. So when those difficult post-breakup feelings pop up, remember this: As intense as the pain can sometimes feel, as much as you may or may not miss your ex, as challenging as managing all that free time can be, all of it is temporary. As time moves on, so will you. That’s the beauty of a breakup. You do eventually move on. And your life is so much better for having gone through these difficult times. While it’s perfectly natural and normal to miss your ex, I know there are things you’re not gonna miss. I want to turn your attention to those things for a minute. Sure, it’s easy to put your ex on a pedestal after it’s all over and remember all those wonderful qualities he had. But remember all those annoying habits? You know the ones—the things that drove you nuts when you were together. Right here and now, I want you to write down five things in your journal that you are not going to miss about Mr. Ex. Seriously, write them down now. Need some help? Here’s my list:Â
- His mood swings          Â
- His money problems          Â
- His dad
- Football season (and the moodiness after his team lost)
- His workaholic tendenciesÂ
Did you come up with five things? If ten come to mind, write down ten! When you’re done, look at your list for a minute and congratulate yourself. You no longer have to put up with any of those annoying things. And whenever you’re feeling blue or really missing your ex, I want you to look at this list and remember why it’s good he’s gone.  Once again, let me remind you—congratulations on your breakup! You really dodged a bullet there, didn’t you? (Just look at that list, and I think you’ll agree.)
So go ahead and share. What are you NOT going to miss about your ex?
12 Comments»
July 4, 2007 at 9:08 am
tHIS is agood way of helping breakups and good to you lisasteadman .
July 5, 2007 at 4:50 pm
1. He drank too much (and belive me, I like to drink, but his was “gotta have it” drinking…like water.)
2. LAZY (not the Sunday afternoon kind…the kind that with the rare exception would have to be taken care of the rest of his life)
3. NEEDY (he called constantly, emailed, pushed his way into my life 24/7…had to be the center of attention and would act like a baby when he perceived himself not tended to. Ironic that then when I finally let him in…he told me he wasn’t feeling it…)
4. Financially irresponsible (while it is great to be generous, this guy at 46 just kept charging and charging…even taking loans out of his 401K…and then wondered why he had no money)
5. No Follow-Through (he’d say he’d do something, but never follow-through – his word was worthless).
I could go on and on.
What I just don’t get is how a smart girl like me is now putting this guy on a pedestal STILL crying over him after 3 months…instead of realizing that for all of his good, he had a lot of bad issues…and I deserve better.
October 25, 2007 at 3:48 pm
Keep it up (like I do
) Great site – loved the bit about yourselves.
October 27, 2007 at 4:49 pm
Got here and seen your stuff – way to go!
October 27, 2007 at 11:03 pm
Perfect site
I will recommend it to all my friends and fans
November 1, 2007 at 6:58 am
Your site looks great! Best of luck to you.
November 1, 2007 at 1:06 pm
Spent some great time in your site, really enjoyed it
November 16, 2007 at 7:34 pm
My god u kept me entertained.
November 20, 2007 at 2:56 pm
I have admire your unselfishness in taking the time to make this web site.
September 10, 2008 at 8:14 am
I needed to read this today…I was able to walk away after a brief relationship with my dream man, because he was not “ready to have a long term exclusive committed relationship at this time” but still wanted to to be with me and have intimate relations. I and he both are widowed and of a certain age, and thinking that this would be a “second chance” etc., etc…as much as I wanted to let it “play” I was able to take care of myself and know that I would be better served being alone and happy (eventually), then being a “couple under any circumstances”. It was a challenge for me because I am an older woman and I face living the rest of my life solo…but have learned that solo does not mean alone. Thank you again, for your timely newsletter, Lisa.
May 11, 2009 at 11:10 am
Is anyone in my boat .No support group at all,seperated little over 3 years and can’t move on ,I am seeing a counselor ,taking meds but still hopelessly in love with my husband
May 11, 2009 at 11:51 am
Kaylee, a lot of women find themselves in your situation. Don’t give up. Keep the faith! And be sure to join my free call Tuesday night by going here: http://www.asklisasteadman.com/
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