This week’s advice

Submitted by Lisa Steadman on June 20, 2007 - 2:30 am

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Thanks for your recent emails!  Below, I answer some of your tough breakup questions…

nanrykykelley writes: I was in a 20 year relationship, including 13 years of marriage. I separated three years ago.  We will be divorced August 1. My husband was a nurse and was having a relationship with the obstetrician that delivered my two boys and was an aquaintance. I haven’t pursued any relationships since the separation and frankly, I’m scared to death.  On the other hand, I don’t want to be alone forever. Where do I begin to start life as a single 40something dating in this world?

First things first.  Welcome to your fabulous new life as a 40something single!  The good news is, there are a lot of you out there starting life over in their 40s after a divorce.  You are an excellent company! Second, I understand the pain you must feel from being betrayed by your husband.  Getting cheated on temporarily robs us of our ability to trust in relationships.  Notice I said temporarily.  The truth is, you deserve someone amazing who will never cheat on you.  But in order to find that person, you’re going to have to heal, move on, and open your heart again.  Here’s what I suggest. Pick up a copy of my book and open it to the beginning of part two.  There, I recommend breakup survivors create and accountability contract for themselves.  What’s an accountability contract?  It basically states that you will exercise excellent judgment in choosing who you give your heart to.  Next, I recommend you read Chapter 8 which is all about being a savvy single woman.  I know being single after 20 years of marriage can feel daunting.  But it’s incredibly exciting time in your life.  Take it slow, exercise excellent judgment, and be true to yourself.  Good luck!  Keep you posted on your progress.

cchristie996 writes: Married at 16, was a great wife and mother for 45 years. He’s retired & searching the internet for a sex partner. He found someone, shared ALL the details of previouis affairs for 35 years. We are now divorced but living together. This is sick and I’m stuck in it. I have 3 grown children, eight grandchildren, and when I tried to put time and distance between us, I still had to see him several times a week because of this wonderful family I’ve built. Time and distance? I tried. I’m only 61 and still have a lot of life left. I don’t want to be alone, and I can’t honestly say that if I leave my life will get better. Where do I start? HELP!

Maintaining distance can be tricky when there’s children and grandchildren involved.  I feel for you.  And I applaud you for your attitude and effort.  You are trying, and you are acknowledging that you have plenty of time left to live and love your life.  Love that! My advice is take it one day at a time.  If at all possible, change your living situation. Keep trying for distance.  Attempt to see your kids and grandkids separately.  Create new boundaries with him.  And stay strong!

tracy writes: I was dating a guy 10 years younger than me. We had a great connection and so much in common other than the fact I have two children and he did not have any.  He was very bitter from a previous marriage but after a year and half and a few breakups we decided we wanted to be together and make it work.  He finally told me he was in love with me.  Those were the last words spoken since I have talked to him last.  He will not answer calls or emails.  What does this mean? What do I do from here? I know he has a lot of stress with his job and probably could not handle me and two kids on top of everything else. But did he have to end it without ending it???  How do I move on?

I’m going to tell you the red flags that popped into my head as I read your e-mail.  1.  That you having kids and him having none was even an issue  2. That he brought baggage from a past relationship into your relationship  3.  That the minute he told you he loved you he ran away 

Age may have played a part in this, but it’s more about life experience.  Clearly, this guy is not on your level.  If he can’t handle loving you and sticking around, what’s the point?  You deserve to be with someone who embraces the fact that you have children and who is emotionally equipped to love you unconditionally. You may never get closure from this man.  I suggest you accept that and give yourself permission to move on anyway.  You are fantastic and deserve to find someone who recognizes that!  I wish you luck.  Let me know how things work out.

Got a question?  Need some advice?  Click here.

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