The New & Improved BreakupChronicles.com

Submitted by on April 30, 2007 - 7:21 pm

Notice anything different? My site finally got its much-needed face lift! BreakupChronicles.com is now the blog section of my site LisaSteadman.com. In addition to breakup stories, you can now enjoy coaching services, book tour deets, and more!

You can still submit your breakup stories, share your experiences on the message board, and shop for cute merch in the online shop.

Enjoy!

Greetings from Orlando!

Submitted by on - 7:15 pm

Ah, the glamorous life of a recently-published author. The VIP treatment at swanky hotels, the jet-setting at someone else’s expense, the personal stylist. NOT.

Greetings from Orlando! I’m literally in town for 24 hours for my iVillage Live taping which happened this morning. I think things went really well but haven’t seen the actual broadcast so who knows? In any event, the folks at iVillage Live were fantastic. The crew, hosts, staff were all very welcoming and friendly which made my job – promoting my book in two segments about celebrity divorce and surviving divorce – so much easier.  And yes, they had fab hair and makeup people on set who redid my sorry attempt at made-for-TV glam. (Thanks, Ladies)

While I’m killing time waiting for my return flight, I thought I’d comment on the faux glamour of it all. Yes, I flew to Orlando to tape a tv show. And yes I stayed at the super swank Hard Rock Hotel complete with rock memorabilia at every turn. And yes, my book comes out this week. But that’s where the fabulous glamour ends. Yours truly footed the bill during my stay. This is what nobody tells you when you write a book – how much work and expense there is.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining. I’m just exposing the reality of the sitch. I got up at 6 am this morning to workout (I’m a cranky beast if I don’t), do my own hair and makeup, iron (a first!) my clothes, and wait for the toothpaste the Concierge allegedly sent over last night.  Oh yes, and wait for the 7 am breakfast I ordered yesterday that didn’t arrive until after several phone calls around 7:45.

Have I become a diva overnight? Hardly. But this is hardly the VIP treatment. Maybe they provide a different level of service to guests who get the discounted production rate on their rooms. Who knows?

In any event, this soon-to-be published author knows better than to cop a ‘tude. I’m just grateful for the experience, even if the reality is less shiny than what you see on TV.

Now it’s back to LA and Mr. XY - a reality I can really dig.

24 Hour Bestseller Strategy – ACT NOW!

Submitted by on April 29, 2007 - 7:03 am

As promised, I invite you to participate in a 24 hour exclusive experiment also known as “Make My Book A Bestseller!” Here are the deets…

On Monday, April 30 I will be appearing on iVillage Live in two segments talking about 1. recent celebrity breakups and 2. how to heal and move on after a divorce. The show reaches hundreds of thousands of viewers and I believe it’s the perfect time for the besteller strategy.

Here’s where you come in.

Between 10 a.m. (EST) Monday, April 30 and 10 a.m. (EST) Tuesday, May 1, I invite you to buy my book online or purchase the book at your local bookstore.

By all of us (myself included!) purchasing the book at the same time within a 24 hour period, along with all those iVillage viewers who may be going through a breakup of their very own, we greatly increase my book’s chances of climbing the Amazon sales rank and moving up the bestseller charts. If we break the Top 100 on Amazon, we win. If we don’t, we still win because people are still buying copies of my book, helping my sales rank climb and ultimately lending to my book’s success.

Here’s the God’s honest truth. I love my book. I’m so proud of it. Not just because I wrote it but because of its potential to help those going through a breakup to wake up, heal, and move on. I wrote it because I lived it and the other side of a bad breakup is beautiful, amazing, and so worth the initial pain! We’ve all been there, right? (The answer’s yes)

Are you with me? I hope so! Here are those dates again…
Between 10 a.m. (EST) Monday, April 30 and 10 a.m. (EST) Tuesday, May 1, I invite you to buy my book online or purchase the book at your local bookstore.

And be sure to tune in to iVillage Live on Monday to watch me on the show. It’s going to be lots of fun!

And of course, if you don’t buy the book during the 24 hour window, you may still purchase it at any time.

An Oldie But A Goodie…

Submitted by on - 6:59 am

In honor of the site relaunch, I reached deep into The Breakup Chronicles archive for one of my fave early stories. In it, Nina reminds us just how addicting relationships can be. Find out how she went cold turkey and what she learned from relationship rehab.

Kicking the Habit
By Nina Bargiel

Ex-boyfriends are like black tar heroin.  You can’t have just a little.

Current wisdom tells us that An Addict is always An Addict.  In this case, my addiction was Mr. Ex.  Perfect Boyfriend, I used to call him.  The type who’ll walk your dog when you’re sick and tell you you’re pretty when you’re not.  The type who’ll patch all those nasty self-esteem cracks that have been the foundation of your existence since before you can remember.

But I should back up a bit.  I was a 26-year-old woman who didn’t need a man.  Sure, I had had a few boyfriends in my time, but all in all I found that men were an unnecessary evil.  I had a three-legged dog to keep me company and an impressive selection of vibrators to keep me smiling.  But then I met Mr. Ex. And Everything Changed.  I was thrust into the world of Couplehood, and I found that I liked it.  As weeks turned to months, Mr. Ex and I started talking about the Future.  About marriage.  About babies.  About a future that began with “us” instead of  ”me.”  In fact, we had been discussing that very sentiment one gorgeous Saturday in August, an unseasonably cool late summer day that made me think of my native Midwestern upbringing.  Mr. Ex wanted to know about my 401(k) plan, and we mapped out a savings plan so we could retire by 40.  He told me about his desire to Get Away From It All, how we’d take our brood and open a bookstore in his small hometown.  I nodded, mesmerized.  Me.  Us.  A Future Together.  We had been dating a few weeks shy of a year.  We began discussing when we would announce our engagement.
    
The following Tuesday, he dumped me.

Over the phone.

I went from a love-induced-high to an earth-shattering-low.  Life without Mr. Ex?  But what about Us?  The babies, the bookstore, the boffo bank account that would take us to a Simpler Life?  Gone.  He explained it with an “I-love-you-but-I-don’t-think-I-can-do-this” and suddenly I went from being “us” to being “me” again. But the problem was that I didn’t like me very much.  I needed Mr. Ex.  I needed him to give me that rush, that thrill, that boost to lift me above the pits of self-hatred that marked the landscape of my life. 

I needed Mr. Ex to be happy. 

Those first few days, everywhere I turned, something reminded me of him.  A song, a phrase, a scent was like a Tractor Beam pulling me back to him.  I finally emailed him, asking if we couldn’t just be friends?  He agreed, having missed me as much as I missed him.  Friends.  Good. I could do that.  I was a rational, intelligent adult.
   
But of course, I wasn’t rational or intelligent.  I was a moron.

Each time I saw Mr. Ex, the more miserable I became.  Because I couldn’t handle just a little bit.   But like an addict I kept fooling myself into thinking I was okay, that I could take it.  That I was stronger than the drug.   All along I made excuses about why we broke up, about how his life was stressful and he was depressed and I just needed to Hang In There and he’d get better and come back and we’d live Happily Ever After.

Then I learned he was dating someone else. And I hit rock bottom, spending four hours straight crying on my bathroom floor.

I lay there.  Strung out.  Exhausted.  Embarrassed.

I was better than this.  I was worth more than this. I was a brilliant, funny woman with a great dog and I was weeping over someone who obviously thought “the rest of our life” meant “a couple more days?”

I emailed him, tidied up some last minute details about exchanging our belongings and that was it. 

I went Cold Turkey.
 
I kicked the habit.  I used the time that I had previously spent fretting about Mr. Ex to working on my own issues.  Like why I felt so horrid about myself, and how on earth did I expect Some Guy to fix it. 

Each day without Mr. Ex I got a little better, a little stronger, a little healthier.  Until soon he was just a forgotten word at the tip of my tongue, familiar and yet forgotten.

I call Mr. Ex my near miss.  I was under the influence of a potent drug, a drug that made me think I needed it to Feel Good.  Two years and two boyfriends later, I can’t even remember what I saw in him.   Looking back, I’m both mortified and elated.  Mortified that I was such a needy woman that I almost let a man destroy me, and elated that the experience made me confront and change the miserable human being that I had been for so long.

The person I am now and the person I was while dating Mr. Ex share little in common: a name, a dog, and that impressive vibrator collection.

So maybe An Addict isn’t always An Addict, ‘cause I kicked Mr. Ex for good.

Well, it may be cliché, and as much as we don’t want to admit it in the throes of a bad breakup, it’s true. That which doesn’t kill us, does make us stronger. I’m glad Nina found the strength to kick her habit for good. We all could use a little relationship rehab every now and then. Don’t you think?

Breakup or Makeup? Advice

Submitted by on April 28, 2007 - 12:17 am

Q: I have two boyfriends.  Which one should I go back with — the one who cheated on me or the one who doesn’t want to have kids?

A: If those are your only options, may I suggest you choose to remain single?  Seriously, why would you want to stay with someone who cheats on you?  And if you really want children, why would you stay with someone who doesn’t share your desire?  You deserve a relationship that meets your needs.  Good luck!

Q: I broke up with my boyfriend whom I loved so much. The reason was that he had another girlfriend who I found him with but he could not leave her. Later on, I met and married a man who loved me. Recently I started communicating with my former boyfriend and he told me he broke up with his girlfriend. I started falling in love with him again. He says he still loves me and he cannot love any other woman the same way he loved me. I still love him so much I do not know what to do. My husband loves me but I don’t love him the same way I love my former boyfriend. What do I do? I am very confused.
 - Joli

A: Joli, this is a tough situation. I’m wondering if you really know your ex. It’s easy to think there is still something there but tread very carefully. You have a loving husband and you should not throw that away for someone who carelessly tossed you aside. Think very carefully and search your heart before you act.  

It’s A Breakup, Not A Breakdown first official sighting!

Submitted by on April 27, 2007 - 11:24 pm

bookarrival-011.jpg

On Sunday, one of my girlfriends called to say she’d seen my book at Borders.  It’s not supposed to be there for another week, so Mr. XY and I took a field trip to visit our baby.

Another friend emailed to tell me the copy he ordered from Amazon came in the mail this week.  And I got an email from a gentleman this week who bought my book and says it’s helping him through his divorce.

I’m so excited!  Yes, the book is huge for my career.  But ultimately, I want to help people get through the pain of their breakup and ultimately move on to a better life.

If you have a book sighting, feel free to share it!

Been Dumped?

Submitted by on - 11:01 pm

My bio, book, and article excerpts are now posted on my friend David Ayres site Been-Dumped.com. Like me, David started his site after his own difficult breakup. As you’ll see from the site, he helps so many people thru the pain of breaking up and moving on.

And be sure to tune in to iVillage Live on Monday, April 30. Check your local listings and set your TiVo.  I’ll be doing two segments — 1 on high profile celebrity divorces, and one on how to heal and move on from a divorce. Can’t wait!

Makeup or Breakup?

Submitted by on - 10:58 pm

Q: “My girlfriend and I recently broke up after six years together. For the last 6 months of our relationship, we had made love maybe 2 times. Now she’s with somebody at her work. She tells me that after 2 weeks she loves this guy. What should I do?”

A: First of all, I’m sorry for your loss.  Breakups are tough!  But it doesn’t seem like there’s much you CAN do other than give yourself time to heal and move on.  Your ex is clearly moving on and as painful as that is, it’s probably for the best.  Good luck!

An Ex Marks The Plot

Submitted by on - 10:50 pm

This week saw an influx of email from men. Let’s hear it for guys whose hearts are on the mend!

On Easter, I was having what seemed like the perfect day. Went to church, got home, ate a great lunch and took a nap. Then, when I got up, I noticed I had 1 missed call. It was my girlfriend at the time. I called her back and asked what was up. She said that she didn’t think it was a good time to be dating, given the fact that her parents hate me. Ms. Ex broke up with me over the phone after FOUR MONTHS of a great relationship. It totally shattered me. Now it’s just me, the lonely boy, back to being single.

 - Anonymous

Man on the Mend

Submitted by on - 10:41 pm

Mike W. recently emailed me this breakup story.  It’s unusual to get the guys’ perspective, so I thought it was worth sharing… 

I may be unique in that I haven’t seen many stories from guys on your site, but I am a guy and I am hurting.

The very first moment I saw Ms. Ex, I knew she was “The One.” She was attractive, witty, slightly silly and very independent. She was thirty and I was forty-six. She was divorced with four children, I was divorced but my only child was grown. She scared me. I later realized that knowing love, true love, could be very frightening.

After a few short months of dating, we moved in together. It was not easy from the start. I had to adjust to having a ready made family and she had to adjust to me. Believe me, not an easy thing to do. After awhile, love flourished! And then the problems started. Shortly after starting our life together, she had a breakdown. Her past, and it was not pretty, began to filter back into her mind. It was rough. I had to take care of a new family and a new relationship all at the same time. It was never easy, but some two and a half years later, she was back to her old self. I was so proud.

Along the way, my drinking got out of hand. I would drink daily and stay drunk all weekend. This continued for several years. One day, enough was enough. She came to me very calmly and gave me the greatest quote ever: “You’re an adult. You can drink, you’re just not going to drink in my life”. I realized then I had two choices: the bottle or the love of my life. It was an easy pick. I started in a twelve step program and with her help, haven’t had a drink or desire to drink in eleven years.

Now, this is where the story gets strange. We have been together for almost fifteen years. Ups and downs. Fights and makeups. But this past December, she stopped smoking. We were all excited. She had been enslaved to the smoke for twenty seven years. Once she stopped, things began to change.

Now, I’m skipping over a lot. And I must be honest and say I created a lot of the problems we encountered over the years, but on December 12 of ’06, after an argument (no worse than most), she ended the relationship. I was destroyed. I begged, pleaded, everything; all to no avail. She wanted out. The strangest thing of all, we have two small boys, ages 6 & 7, and all on her own, she left them with me. Even though crushed by the ending of fifteen years, I was very happy to have our children. She did not seem as if she would have been able to take care of them. For some reason, she acts as if she is twenty years old.

It’s been five months now. The pain is like nothing I have ever known. I am having a horrible time letting go. How do you un-love the love of your life? How do you walk away from fifteen years and how does it all change in a flash? Thank the good Lord for our two sons. They are the light of my life and they give me reason to look forward to another day.

Let’s all send warm fuzzies Mike’s way.  He deserves to heal and move on soon.  xoxo, Lisa


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